Friday I had to see my dermatologist. I’ve been on medication to thicken up my hair for about a year now. Last summer, I had a ton of growth around my head, but not up top where it shows most. Comparison of photos from last year confirms this. So he thought we could do even better and put me on a different stronger medication. He doesn’t start people on it because it long lasting, which means it takes a long time to get out of your system if it fucks you up. But since I’ve not had any side effects from the others, he was ok with it. It’s another “For Men ONLY.” one. So he verified with me, again, that I can’t get pregnant. Cause it fucks up the babies.
So having just acquired a cat, I’m getting all his records and shit, right? And this doctor is just taking me at my word that I’ve been “fixed.” So hear me out here. We’re already walking around with vaccine cards from Covid now, right? We’re half way there. Give me a little metal tag to put on my key chain that says I’ve been fixed. So when I go to the doctor and they’re like “pee in this cup,” I can jiggle my key chain and go no thank you!
Cause the doctors always think you’re pregnant. I get that it’s probably a big lawsuit thing, but no matter what you’re at the doctor for — you’re peeing in that cup. I could have my arm ripped off and be holding it in my other arm and they’d want to make sure I wasn’t pregnant. When I had my gallbladder out, I couldn’t pee because they hadn’t let me have fluids for 24 hours (thank GOD they’re updating those rules) and the doctor got mad and asked the nurses why I wasn’t ready. “She can’t pee.” So they did a cath FOR A PREGNANCY TEST. Give me the keychain. Hell, use the cute red hearts like the rabies tags.
‘Cause any ailment on a female is because they’re pregnant or fat. Both of these things must be ruled out before you are considered for any treatments. Who gives a fuck if you’re dying. Have you considered losing weight? ALL the doctors ask that. “Have you considered losing weight?” Like no, that never occurred to me, actually, why do you bring it up? My dermatologist asked this Friday and I was like “I used to be 400lbs.” And he was stunned. Then I was like “I’ve lost 15lbs in the last year.” So then he shut up. But man if it isn’t always babies or you’re just fat.
Oh and while we’re handing out official medical tags (not those bracelets you can lie on cause you buy them yourself — I want official issued tags), I want a “high pain tolerance” one. Like I’ve decided for minor shit, I’m probably going to go to urgent care rather than my real doctor. We have a doctor shortage right now, so all the doctors are swamped. And the urgent care isn’t bad. But if something hurts, I gotta see my doc. ‘Cause he’s treated me for 20 years and he knows if I say it hurts, I aint lying. He’s seen me in states where he’s like “I don’t know how you’re just walking around right now.” New doctors think you want pain meds if you say it hurts. And I’m like listen, you don’t have to give me pain meds, I’m telling you it hurts because it motherfucking hurts and I feel this is vital to your diagnosis.
So yes, I’d like an official “fixed” tag (which should also net me discounts like it does for pets) and a “high pain tolerance” tag, please. Thank you.