Stuck in the splits!

I ordered this doll when the Barbie movie came out. They released a ton of regular Barbies, but only did a preorder for Weird Barbie. The prototype pictures showed her regular in the box. I was afraid they’d actually box her like that. But she just arrived…

IN THE SPLITS. YAAASSSSSSS!

I was going to be so insanely disappointed if she wasn’t in the splits. Kate McKinnon was fucking hilarious as Weird Barbie. She was integral to saving the world, and she was always in the splits.

Part of me does want to open it up and tape her doing the splits against my computer monitor. So she can forever say “what’s up?” But a bigger part of me sees them on eBay for $300 and thinks maybe she should live in her box. So for now, she’s in her box, on my happy shelves in my office.

Hiiiii

I know, I should post. But like, I’m still spiraling out of control with my perimenopause over here. My anxiety is off the charts. So much so that I had a stressful work meeting this morning and had an anxiety attack and took the afternoon off. Work is shitty right now and I’m not in the mind space to handle this clusterfuck. So I laid down around 1:00 and slept till 5:00. DAY GONE. Awesome. But I did need the rest.

So I was going to post about the bedjet that I bought. It’s fucking awesome. But you know what? I’m not cool. And I want to post a really good review of it to help people like me that were trying to get some actual details on that shit. So I need to get some pictures. Also, they’re sending me some more (free) risers because my mattress is taller and I’m using the cloudsheet. So that’s coming.

When, I was trying to research it, I ended up in the Reddit subreddit r/menopause. I read a few threads about it but still had questions. So I asked my questions. And while I was posting, I mentioned the Estroven my doctor recommended and asked if anyone had any experience with that. Well, that was a mistake.

Crazy people can’t make support groups with just other crazy people. That’s how cults happen.

Apparently, r/menopause is a bunch of hormone replacement therapy (HRT) evangelists and anyone who doesn’t immediately give you HRT is a shitty doctor who doesn’t know shit about the “current research.” Well, I mean, I’m 41 — I just got diagnosed, I don’t wanna jump straight into HRT. Maybe I’ll regret that later. Probably. But my doctor said to try a few over the counter things first. And I’m cool with that. I don’t agree with their opinion that you should use a telehealth doc that you can lie to to get it prescribed. Also, the threads about the hell of menopause and all the horrible effects are terrifying. Itchy ears? WTF? that’s a thing!? Like what are we talking, a contestant itch? Outside the ear? Inside? Does scratching help? How common is that?

So basically, it’s just a toxic cesspit and I had to leave that subreddit.

It reminded me of when I joined all the misophonia support groups. I found the constant focus on it and people bitching about it made it much worse.

I still would like info though. So I try googling about it, but there’s just a million differing opinions. And people selling supplements. And doctors have different opinions. It’s a clusterfuck. And I don’t see the point of trying to join anymore groups. The people seeking out these groups are the people like me — we’re spiraling out of control crazy people. And so then it’s a echo chamber of bat shit crazy woman demanding fake hormones and divorces.

I mean think about it. If you, say… worship Trump and feel like you’re being shunned by all your friends who say you’re crazy. You go online looking for solace and similar minded folks. All the sudden your in an insane echo chamber of Q-anon people and you won’t speak to your family cause you’re in some weird crazy Trumper cult now.

Crazy people can’t make support groups with just other crazy people. I’ll say it again for the people in the back. Crazy people can’t make support groups with just other crazy people. That’s how cults happen.

BTW, that’s why I loved my CODA group which I now avoid cause of that crazy guy. Is it a bunch of crazy people getting on zoom every Monday? YES. But we’re led and guided by a retired psychiatrist who points out our crazy.

To be fair, Doctors do fuck up — like a lot.

Though I don’t think a doctor would help these menopause groups because they don’t trust the doctors. Old (read MOST) studies say no HRT because increased bloodclots, heart disease, and cancer risks in some of us. Some studies say that’s not true. Some doctors say the better sleep and restfulness outweighs the risks to your heart because it’s helping you be more healthy in general. You know medicine, it’s always changing on what it says is healthy and what isn’t. Remember the fucking food pyramid? It was a foundation of carbohydrates. Literally. Breakfast cereal was in the FOUNDATION.

Also, I’m the first person to say don’t trust doctors. They tried to murder me when my gallbladder was going bad. The only reason I didn’t die was my underhanded squirrliness. I had a surgeon because of the gastric bypass surgery. So I made an appointment to see him. Sure it took a month or two, but that was gonna pass anyway. In the mean time I went to the ER three times and a specialist who said having my gallbladder removed was stupid. And another doctor that did an ultrasound and said all I had was asymptomatic gallstones. Meanwhile, I’m curled in a ball on the floor in the bathroom at work in pain (gallstone attacks — now we know). In FACT, that exact scenario was one of the ER visits. Work sent me to the ER.

Then I finally see my surgeon and he nearly kills me by poking under my ribs and is like holy fuck — we gotta do a liver biopsy on you ASAP. I agreed to LET HIM do that if he agreed to take my gallbladder out while I was under. Deal — that was Friday, Monday morning I had surgery. And what did they find while in surgery? Oh look, shes got internal gangrene. This gallbladder is literally dead and rotting. I bet if we pop that out she’ll feel better. THANKS GENIUSES. And do you know how risky having surgery with internal gangrene is? For real, I know someone that died from it (exploratory surgery). Because if the organ had ruptured during the surgery — well, now gangrene is all up in your abdominal cavity and you probably won’t be waking up. So even though I got what I want, fucker still almost killed me.

So I get it, don’t trust the doctors to know whats best. Get lots of opinions. But I also can’t listen these insane people.

Don’t come at me.

Also, don’t be insulted — not everyone in menopause and perimenopause will be insane. I understand. Please understand that I’m talking about people like MYSELF. I’m already on two antidepressants and an antianxiety. So anything that causes severe anxiety IS NOT GONNA BE OK.

My mom is dead, my sisters are bitches and all my friends are younger than me. So I HAVE NO ONE. And no one ever told me you’d go through some crazy 10-year reverse puberty BEFORE menopause. I’ve heard of menopause. I didn’t know it was this bad and I’ve never even heard of perimenopause! Fucking middle finger for living past child bearing age.

So that’s my rant. Bedet is fucking awesome though. Gonna review that IN DEPTH for my fellow hot sleepers.

Life: Purpose for the shit show?

Also, it occurs to me that that gastric bypass surgery has always been a big shame for me. Cause you know, I gained it all back. Then lost it with keto — gained like half of it back. So I’m still fat, basically. So it’s SO EMBARRASSING to say I had gastric bypass surgery. BUT BUT BUT

I just realized. Had I not had that, I wouldn’t have had contact and ability to get an appointment directly with surgeon. And had I not took it upon MYSELF (not a referral) to ask that surgeon to cut me open, I would have died whenever the gallbladder ruptured. He said possible two weeks.

So… maybe God had a reason there?

Interesting.

No, probably just still shit show.

Still, fuck hormones. Also, maybe if I didn’t have the surgery, the gallbladder wouldn’t have had issues. So who knows. Life is a shit show.

I’M SO OLD

Sorry for radio silence. I’ve been real fucking depressed and anxious as hell. I believe that I mentioned my night time panic attacks previously? Well, here’s the jist: I’ve been waking up to panic attacks. Most I’ve been really proud of myself for getting under control. Counted breathing and smashing my face in the pillow to simulate a paper bag. Not that it’s as simple as that cause I start counting and I’m just counting cause I’m panicking and just speed running 1 2 3 4 5 6 1 2 3 4 5 6 likes it will summon a peacefulness fairy until I get it going right.

The other night I had a really terrible one. I couldn’t stay in bed. I was prancing around. No, I was not walking, it was more of a prance cause I was in PAIN. I bent myself over the bedroom couch (it’s MY nook) trying so hard to stretch my chest muscles open (can you get a charlie horse of the chest?). Then I was drenched in sweat and totally going to throw up. So I ran to the bathroom and hit the floor by the toilet.

The bathroom tiles were so refreshing and cool and I sat their by the toilet cooling off forever until the vomit feeling passed enough for me to leave.

Then I’ve been getting night sweats. Every. Single. Night. (The panic attacks are not nightly… As of now). Like husband is over there under the comforter burritoed in. Normally, I sleep with my beloved fuzzy blanket because it’s so light and airy. If I get too cool, I’ll pull the top sheet over it. But it doesn’t absorb sweat. So I switched to just the top sheet as needed. Keep in mind, I have a vornado fan on full blast, not 5 feet away, pointed at my chest/back. I’ve done the fan thing since Jack was a kitten. I started it to drown out the sound of him licking his ass while I tried to sleep. Kept it ever since. Though I have replaced it ONE TIME. I even travel with it sometimes when we don’t fly.

So now, every single night, I wake up drenched in sweat. If y’all have ever seen me workout or work in the yard, you know I sweat like a fountain. Once at CrossFit, one of the guys asked If I finally just dumped my nalogene over my head. I had not. So that’s how much sweat. Soaked through the sheets and you could ring out my pj pants. But there’s a fan blowing right on me and I’m soaked, so now I’m fucking FREEZING like I just got out of the pool on a cool cloudy day with high winds.

So I gotta take my pants off, but I can’t do anything about the sheet. One night I tried sleeping on a blanket so I could strip it off and then have a dry spot. I toss and turn too much so it got wadded up and I just had a wet blanket AND sheets.

So our yearly physical was coming up. I was positive I was hyperthyroid. My thyroid levels have NEVER been correct at my yearly. Anxiety, running hot? Hyperthyroid. gotta be. We fix it.

We go to the physical and I’m up first (husband and I do our blood draws and physicals together. We get twice as much time with the doctor!). It’s not my thyroid. My thyroid is perfect. I’m devastated. My doctor was like, yeah I was hoping too. How old are you? 41.

Perimenopause.

AHHHHHHHHH. WHYYYYYYYYYY?

You know the eye doctor said next time I’d probably have to get bifocals. And I’ve been balding for like 15 years and saw the dermatologist last month and he said this is as good as we can do. There’s not a higher dose to put me on. I just stay in this forever and be glad I’m not losing more hair.

Also, coincidentally, the other day I was reminiscing through old photos. Momma, Jack… I miss them. I was at 2019. Before COVID. Before mom died. Before the brain injury and 3 year trial. Before the huge weight gain of absolute despair at moms death. I looked good. I looked insanely younger. That was less than 5 years ago but I’ve aged terribly since then. I mean,sure, we’ve added boobs and a fucking awesome tattoo, but my god. Look at my face. Look at my eyes. I’m so old. And I read that you age faster after menopause. I’m fucked!

So that put me in a funk. I was feeling just so unattractive and fucked up. And now I’m approaching menopause!?

Jesus.

So I haven’t taken it well. I’m not ok with it. I’m hot. I’m not getting enough sleep and now there’s no magical pill to fix how fucking anxious I am! Like WHAT NOW, GOD? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

THIS IS SOME FUCKING BULLSHIT.

THAT’S BULLSHIT, RONNY!

So. That’s my headspace. I fell so ugly and old and anxious as fuck. Like did you know my job sucks? Did you know my husband’s job is even worse and he’s basically clinically depressed at this point and I can’t do shit about it? Did you know his job just announced there will three rounds of layoffs?

Did you know that people on Reddit are wrong and assholes and will down vote you to hell? And that the city what’s happening page (no rules) HAS RULES. Cause I was just defending someone else who posted a bad review complete with pictures. Then the manager made a new thread to attack her and call her a liar. Then we all started going woah woah woah, a lot of people had similar experiences and posted photos in her review too. And she started antagonizing the original girl who left the review and said she faked the picture and then blocked her so she couldn’t defend herself. So that girl started a thread to ask if she was blocked or the thread was gone. So then we all hopped on the new thread joking about the insanity of it. We were having a great time and being jovial. Talking about favorite places to eat, loving crazy people drama, etc. and there were like 3 people I was conversing with and having a hoot. Then they deleted our fun thread and banned the original reviewer from the group. ON THE NO RULES PAGE. All she did was post a review and then defend herself! Bitch managers personal attack of her is still up.

AND BOEING IS ASSASSINATING WHISTLEBLOWERS!

And then I had an anxiety attack and went to bed for more night sweats.

So that’s how it’s going.

The doctor recommended some supplements I forget the name of. Probably gonna buy a $600 bed jet. But I need to buy a new salt cell and pay for the pool opening and I wanted a fancy aidirandack chair for the deck.

IM NOT DOING OK.

Sherlock Booknook: Part 5: The FINALE

Previously:

Sherlock Booknook: Part 1

Sherlock Booknook: Part 2

Sherlock Booknook: Part 3

Sherlock Booknook: Part 4

Let’s wire her up!

The correct touch sensor wire finally arrived from China. With that, I could finally finish my Sherlock Booknook. I was a bit nervous. Sealing it up meant I couldn’t keep tweaking it. It meant I couldn’t pop off walls for good photos. It meant calling it done. Finite. And there were still a few minor tweaks. I needed to fix the trap door. Cover where the battery opening shows in the hall. I could do that with the suitcase by the clock, but then what would I put where that had been to cover the glue spot on the floor?

It took a bit, but I finally dove in.

Why is the wire still barely long enough? I have a whole wad of light cords but this guy has to shortcut behind the staircase to reach. Also, wiring it up first meant that I couldn’t keep laying the top to the side while I worked…

It is FINISHED

Introducing… SHERLOCK THE BOOKNOOK.

Standing at a short 9.1 high x 4.3 wide x 7.1 inches deep, she is tiny. Her upper floor is less than 5 inches of ceiling height. She is tiny but extremely mighty in detail.

Notice all side have been customized to the show. With heavy coats of modpodge sealing everything. Finishing it all off is a lining or fine faux leather trim across all edges. So soft to the touch and nice clean sealed edges. Even a lovely cushioned leather edge to sit on. While the graphics, a show poster on the back and the opening credits scene on both sides, have been printed in black and white, I selected a brown 1/4 inch faux leather bias trim for the edges. This is because it wasn’t available in black. Or for other reasons you may choose to insert here.

A Conversion

As stated in other posts, this kit is a conversion. I don’t have the skill to start from scratch, so I chose a generic “Detective” Booknook (The Rose Detective Agency by Cutebee) to convert to reflect the amazing show: BBC’s Sherlock.

I fucking nailed it. Obviously, it is not Sherlock’s flat from the show. However, I like to think if Sherlock moved, this could be his new place.

Also note my elimination of the very generic “The Detective House” and flowers across the front. Fuck flowers, this is Sherlock. It has been replaced by a hand rolled clay brick facade. Did I need to cut and paint all those bricks individually? No. Would I do it differently if I were to do it again? Perhaps just making one piece and scoring it to look like brick? Yes. I would.

It is slicker and cleaner. I flipped the front plate to have the fancier steampunk bobble at the top. It’s better like this. Also, you’ll note yet another iteration of the chandelier to replace the “Detective” sign above the desk. We’ve had a few iterations, but we ended up somewhere good.

Baker Street

Let us start our tour at Baker Street. The entrance to Sherlock’s new apartment. Er, flat. In this kit, the upstairs is surprisingly sparse, but the alley is pretty full. I basically did what they did, just better.

I got out paint. Some flat wood items were replaced for fake flowers, sculpted broken clay pot pieces, a tiny plastic gun that would fit on a dime. Old wanted posters were replaced with easter eggs for the show and PlayBills. The address and road name were corrected.

There are few changes here from the last iterations. Both from seeing the side-by-sides in my last post. I trimmed the flower bushes by at least half. I also made the color a yellow cast in the alley. This really makes the hallway stand out and gives it a seedy criminal vibe.

For the yellow glow and the chandelier upstairs, I used the same technique. I took a small acrylic ring I had a pack of already laying around. For the chandelier, I printed stained glass and glued that along the ring. For the alley, I placed the ring in the middle of a orange cupcake wrapper and glued the edges up. Both are attached above their LEDs with hot glue.

The Hidden Hall

Changing the alley light to yellow, really makes the inner hall and stairs pop. There are a few easter eggs for fans in here too. I solved my battery door and stray sharpie mistake by placing a suitcase at the bottom of the stairs next to the umbrella stand. Happy Accidents as Bob Ross would say.

The hall table still has the package and letters Mrs Hudson left for Sherlock to retrieve. Including an ominous beige envelope with Moriarty’s red wax seal.

The Upstairs Flat

Here we reach Sherlock’s (new) main room. You’ll see I added a LOT to this booknook. It seems like the original is a bit sparse for a booknook. Also that chair is terrible. So lets look at mine.

The first thing you will notice is the comfy sitting chair for reading newspapers. Also someone’s newest interesting book, “The Mind Palace.” The newspapers are piling up because Sherlock can’t be arsed to clean. The table holds only a tiny hand gun in case Sherlock gets bored and wants to shoot things or needs to quickly call the police.

The next area you’ll notice is the desk in the corner. The pile of mail in front is where it falls as Sherlock enters his flat. It stays there until Mrs Hudson cleans it up, even though she insists she is not his maid. Lots of easter eggs here. It looks like Sherlock has “confiscated” Watson’s laptop again. Of course he has his trusty phone by his side and his skull to talk to (in spirit – I know, it’s just a print).

This iteration sees a much slimmer laptop. It still displays my favorite scene from Season 2 Episode 1 where Sherlock unlocks Irene Adler’s phone. It’s my favorite episode. Now that the box is sealed, a lot of the easter eggs can only be spotted by a vigilant eye from the clock cut-out above.

The secret passage is also fully functional. Where it used to lead to a medieval stone hall and wooden door lit by candle, we now have a city fire escape. You’re welcome.

If we look to our left, we see the dressing table and the entry door. This is where Sherlock chose to draw his new smile (in the yellow paint from the can of evidence in the Blind Banker, season one). Where it used to be on the wall, he still enjoys shooting it on the door when he is bored.

More tiny seed beads beads capping vials and a flask (made from beads) add a bit of depth to the flat shelving by his desk. The purple shirt of sex is represented in scarf form.

Lastly, looking to our right, we see Sherlock’s case board. He’s tracking Irene Adler, Moriarty, and is for some reason concerned about Mycroft.

Watson’s old medical cane is in the umbrella stand. Lots of easter eggs for a few shows here. The taxidermy bat moved from his fireplace to above the clock. I also spent a lot of time adding depth to this flat bookshelf. The bottom shelf I completely cut the books out to add depth I could fill. I capped the bottles with more seed beads to add texture. I also placed a few 3D books to fill the dark holes behind the 2D printed ones on other shelves.

That’s all she wrote!

So there you have it. I’m done. Booknook number 2 is complete! It was such a fun journey. I’m thrilled with the end result. I learned a lot too while doing this one. It was really fun to stretch it out and savor it with customizations and tedious little projects (baking and painting tiny bricks, anyone?).

I’m so proud!

Make sure to check out my previous posts on this build for fun details you might have missed.

Spiffing up the deck

Now that I’ve been gardening, I need to start cleaning up the deck. I mean, that lemongrass has to have somewhere to go!

We built the deck last year. The deck plus a professional paint job was like 8sih K. So, of course I asked how to care for it. I was told to give it a pressure wash every year and I should be solid. So, I need to pressure wash. I want to buy a powerful pressure washer. We have a big house. We have the garage, the pool deck, the wood deck, sidewalk, two stoops. I really want to wash the Juliet balcony and stoop ceiling. I did some research and decided to upgrade my price range to about 3 or 4 hundred, but I just got overwhelmed. So I just asked to borrow K’s pressure washer to get the deck done. I will try to get a good pressure washer during off season.

First, I discovered my deck is like a white car. You don’t realize how dirty it is because it just looks like a different shade of ecru. It was dirty. And I had to clean it like an inch at a time. It was far more tedious than I expected. I didn’t get the good satisfaction either. The red clay is not coming off. So the lighter the deck got, the more noticeable the red clay spots were. Ugh. Also, there’s been a ton of major construction behind us. A whole neighborhood. Right now the house that backs up to us is under construction. This means red clay dust.

I learned about that the first time we opened the pool after construction started. My pool cover is a very heavy thick mesh that lets no light through. But red clay was all over the bottom of the pool. Pool guy explained it was the construction. Well, now I see that that red dust gathered in the piles of leaves that say on the deck for months. So I really should be cleaning it in winter after the leaves fall. Live and learn.

I figured, while I’m out here, I’ll clean the stoop. Oh. My. God. Why is my stoop a whole-ass different color? I knew it was dirty — but jesus! So gross! I was horrified. Now I’m definitely buying a pressure washer! And where I went along the edge of the brick, I accidentally made lines on the concrete. I tried to blend them out and it just looks worse. UGH.

I REALLY want to do the pool deck now. But I want a more powerful washer so I don’t have to do it an inch at a time. Also, I’m not about to out that much wear on a borrowed tool. That’s a lot of concrete to clean.

The steps were not satisfying either. They were just disgusting. The top of the stoop was satisfying. Nice lines I could write in if I wanted. But, see, I thought the top of the stoop was clean. I always have a rug on it. So I thought it was clean. And it was NOT. So now I’m not satisfied or happy I washed stuff — I’m just disturbed. EVERYTHING needs to be power washed now. It’s not OK. But it has to be OK because I’m not buying one right now. I’m about to open the pool and buy a new salt cell to be installed too. And I want an adirondack chair. So it will wait.

Then, I spent half my Saturday dreading putting everything back on the deck. But Husband helped and we got it done. I finally hung the solar lights I was gifted for Chirstmas. Thankfully, I had enough to double over, because these lights were super far apart. So this is actually a doubled over strand. I’m also very happy with the posts I bought to raise them up above the fence. I wish I’d installed them at the top of the board instead of the bottom to get just a little more height, but they’re there now.

Also, I will say: These lights were tangled as fuck. I felt like Russ in Christmas Vacation. They had a garbage tie in the center… and yet, it did nothing. I literally had to walk along the fence and pull each and every bulb from the giant knot. Then when I went to test them, they didn’t come on! So I thought it must have been all the vigorous shaking and tugging of untangling them! So I left them alone and went inside to put pillow cushions on. Then I read the directions for the remote and saw that they won’t come on if there is any light present. They only come on in the dark. This picture was immediately after they finally came on:

Speaking of pillows… I bought pillow covers! My mom has gifted me many outdoor pillows over the years. Walmart always sells them super cheap. They’re $5 right now, actually. And I never had the heart to throw them away. One year was fancy browns with text that I didn’t care for a lot. One year was the flamingo and the watermelon “Sweet Life.” Then the last year was the Blue Flamingos. Those were my favorite but three summers after her death, they were very faded. And the watermelon straight up tore open. I actually considered painting over the flamingos to make them bright again, but I can’t keep every bit of mom.

Then, a thought occurred to me. I don’t need new PILLOWS. I can keep moms pillows. I just need COVERS! So I spent an evening browsing the internet for outdoor pillow covers. I’ve always had the pool in a blue and green theme. Then last year, I replaced the main pool umbrella with an orange one. So I wanted to keep my blue and green but bring in some orange. And here we go!

I got a super cheap 4 pack of the blue and green watercolor. They are actually all 4 different. They’re also not a great material, but they look awesome. Only three needed here. Then I just got a cheap solid orange with white piping. Oh. And the cat. COME ON — I couldn’t not get that dork cat. It’s fucking adorable. I’m sad it’s on yellow because that’s not in my colors, but I had to have that one. I like them so much that I’m getting UV fabric protection spray so hopefully they won’t fade so much.

I’ll also note the difference in everyone’s version of a 16×16 inch pillow case. The orange ones were pretty spot on. The blue and green, the pillow had to be curled over and forced in there. And the Yellow cat was HUGE. I actually stuffed him with pillow fluff to fill it out more. That will be the soft pillow for lounging.

Oh and I ordered bright green spray paint to refresh my faithful 8 year old cheap plastic adirondack chairs for the second time. Problem with those is… I like them on the deck. They’ve been on the deck all winter. In the summer they are across the pool by the tanning ledge. This is so someone (usually husband) can grab them to sit on the tanning ledge and not get wet but have their feet in the water. So I do need them there. However, I’d like to have one on the deck. So I might get a nice(er) one for the deck. Not wood — aint nobody got time to keep up with that. But maybe one of those thicker plastic ones that aren’t all flimsy? I like having somewhere to sit on the deck that isn’t a hammock.

So I spent a lot of time outside today. Mainly waiting on my lights to come on. I refilled the squirrel feeder. As I sat in my hammock chair — desperate squirrels kept coming by to check it. Then the Cardinal couple came. It’s a female and a male and they always come together to watch out for each other. Well, fuck — yall need some black sunflower seeds! So I filled it up and waited on my lights.

The Cardinal couple didn’t come back, but Carlton did! We call the big male cardinal Carl. Now there’s a much smaller male. So I call him Carlton. I left a little pile of black sunflower seeds on the concrete pad in hopes that the couple would come back. Carlton found it!

Excuse how terrible that photo is. It was at FULL zoom. I was trying to move very sneakily so as not to scare him (he didn’t realize I was in the hammock). So I had to slowly sneak the camera over enough to get past the fern.

It’s nice sitting on the deck and watching the wildlife. Carlton is eating seed there, and there’s a squirrel sitting on the feeder having dinner too.

Listen to the SMEs.

So THIS is why people just save lemongrass stalks from year to year and no one grows from seed.

I cut those stalks clean not 48 hours ago. This is only the second time I’ve watered them. I cut all the leaves off so they’d focus on root growth. All 8 stalks have new shoots like a centimeter long! Even the one that had like no roots and just a bulb nub.

Y’all, my seedlings have been under 2 inches for like a month. I’ve got them out there with a grow light and a fan on a timer. Gave them miracle grow under watered for three days now. NO DIFFERENCE.

The experts know what they’re doing. Wish I’d done more research months ago and learned how they propagate them before I jumped in with seeds. These stalks were way more expensive than seed, but far cheaper than a lemongrass plant. From now on, we doing this every year.

No pumpkin sprouts yet.

Gardening and Back Aches

The Squirrel Dilemma

So where were we? Ah yes, I was complaining about the frogs that tried to kill me when I watered my overwintered plants outside for the first time. Yes. I now have three sun ferns and some mandevillas out back plus the same porch plants from last year.

Problem is… squirrels. I love squirrels, don’t get me wrong. But they start digging up all my plants. Every single pot. Look at this motherfucker on my Ring camera:

I couldn’t figure it out. I thought they might be burying the peanuts I feed them. I dug around in the pots and found no nuts. I went to the internet. Apparently, they dig around for stuff that might have been buried last Fall? What the fuck? I just potted these. There’s nothing there, dumbass. Why haven’t I ever seen them dig elsewhere? I hate to jinx myself, but they don’t dig up my flower beds. I don’t see little holes all around my yard.

They weren’t just looking once either. They were digging them up multiple times a day. One day, my Mandevillas had their damn roots exposed! So something had to be done. For what I had out already, I just used the bastard pool rocks. I just put rocks all around the plant in the pot. I’m not sure about this for the ferns though, because they will want to expand. Maybe I can remove them later. We’ll see about those. For the others, it’s a great solution. They haven’t bothered them since.

But what about my lemongrass and pumpkins? Those will be seedlings. I can put rocks around those. So I decided on critter mesh to keep… well… critters away. So I proposed an errand day to my friends. We went to Cat Bird Seat and Lowe’s.

I needed to replace a dying succulent in my table center piece. I needed dirt for my pumpkins and lemongrass. And, of course, critter netting. So I set out with K, K2, and K’s SO.

Don’t shop for plants with friends (AKA “Enablers”)

We went to Cat Bird Seat first. Just a local plant place. They’re super close and also on the way to the big box stores. K2 proposed that they would have a better succulent collection. Unfortunately, they didn’t have a nice colorful one like the one I was replacing. They did, however, have a large selection. I narrowed it down to two little guys. One I chose for the color pop of pink edges. The other for the quirkiness. I presented my two options to my friends to ask which I should go for. They insisted I get both. I told them I only had room for one. They suggested I get another tiny pot and go for “levels.”

Goddammit they were right. I got them both plus a super tiny pot from Lowe’s. A few weeks ago I already added river rocks to this centerpiece because the bottom of the terrarium was showing rust. Now it’s like major upgrade. I already had the main pot on the riser. I just slid it to the side a bit for the little guy. LOOK AT THE LEVELS. It’s so dynamic. And the rocks look great.

PUMPKINS!

So then we headed to Lowe’s. Why Lowe’s? Because Lowe’s and Home Depot are very close together and K was in the left lane which went towards Lowe’s. Highly complex decision making, clearly. It worked out great though. They had a sweet deal on dirt! One cubic foot of fertilized top soil for $2. That’s a steal! I got regular top soil that wasn’t fertilized for $2.99 and thought THAT was a good deal. I need a lot for my 5 pumpkin pots.

Well, they’re aren’t pots, per se. They’re actually nursery bags inside nursery fabric pots. The bags, which won’t break down, are ugly and just for growing, not showing. The fabric pots are nicer, but they are biodegradable. So I combined the two so I can reuse them. Fabric pot on the outside, lined with a bag on the inside. Yes, the bottom of the fabric pot will still be wet, but I hope to get a few seasons out of them. Also, the fabric pots would drain from all areas. With the bag, only the drainage holes will drain.

Anyway, I needed to get these pumpkins out ASAP. I knew they needed to go out in May. After the clusterfuck of lemongrass seeds that wouldn’t sprout, I need to get them out on time. That way if I have bad seeds, I can buy new seeds and still get pumpkins. So I spent the weekend filling my pots. I did NOT buy enough dirt. I figured one bag would be plenty per pot. I was wrong. Each pot took two bags. So yeah, I had to go BACK to Lowe’s on Sunday for even more dirt. (Also, I did look up how big a pot I would need for a pumpkin. 20 gallons. That’s why I couldn’t afford to buy actual pots.)

Now these pots are heavy. Thank god for my garden wagon! I managed to get them all out. I used broken umbrella pieces (not a hoarder) and tennis balls to hold up the critter netting. I used it doubled over and tucked it under the pots on the front and sides. Then I used 3 packs of binder clips to secure the back so I can have access as needed.

Once the vines grow long enough, I will lay out a sunshade over the rocks to keep the weeds out and allow the vines to stay neatly on top. I chose a sunshade because mesh tarps are crazy expensive. I don’t need anything strong, I need something that blocks light but is water permeable. So sunshade! I’ll buy some more critter netting to go over the vines too. Not sure how I’ll hold the netting up as I’m out of umbrella parts.

So may I introduce you to the very first day of my very first pumpkin patch!

But wait, there’s more.

I was researching caring for pumpkins so I can nail this. And everyone kept mentioning planting in July. Why July? I need 120 days to mature on the big ones and 90 on the small — that’s 4 months! Oh… fuck me. October is the TENTH month. So I need to plant them… in the SIXTH month… which is June.

Fuck me.

So if these grow, I’m going to get my small pumpkins in 90 days which is… early August. Yeah… that’s not gonna last till Halloween.

Fuck me.

So I guess this is a tester batch to see if these seeds sprout. Yeah. That’s it. I’ll pluck them when they do and replant at the correct date. Ignore the stupid person.

The Lemongrass Experiment

On to the lemongrass. Well, I fear I planted this one too late. The seedlings are so very tiny. I needed to get the domes off so I moved them to the garage. I’m going to stop top watering and switch to bottom watering with a bit of miracle grow. I also set up a fan to start hardening them up. It will run on its lowest setting for 4 hours on, 4 hours off, rinse and repeat.

Also, I’ve done so much lemongrass research. The reason I had difficulty finding seeds was that no one grows from seed. They grow from last years harvest. At the end of the season, you dig up the stalk and peel away all the leaves. Wash it really good so that there’s no dirt and a little bit of roots. Put all your stalks in a vase with cold water that you change out every week. Then next year, plop the stalk in the ground and your plant comes back. Obviously, I will do this from here on out if my lemongrass is successful.

To give my tiny baby lemongrass a boost, I did buy 8 stalks of wintered lemongrass. I got those planted up today in smaller, more colorful fabric pots. When my seedlings are ready to go, I can put those in there too. Since I want a lot of grass blades, I can plant a lot close together. Each plant will only put out between 10 and 20 blades. I’m growing them for the oils and scent, not for cooking. So I’m not trying to get thick juicy stalks.

They are currently in the garage because I need more critter mesh to cover them before they go outside. Hopefully, I will get them out tomorrow as I do not have another grow light. I should have had enough critter mesh, but I doubled up over the pumpkin patch. So tomorrow, I can add critter mesh and get those out in the sun.

I’ll continue rotating my seedings and hardening them up in the garage until they’re a bit more ready to go outside.

Miniatures: Past, Present, Future.

Where we’ve been:

My first venture into miniature. NOTE: I added a kitty cat that was too big for Sherlock’s alley. He’s by the blue shelf.

Where we are:

Still working on Sherlock. The inside is finished but I cannot assemble until I get the new touch sensor which is coming from China. I’ve done the new outside, but it doesn’t look clean yet. I’m going to finish the edges with faux leather bias tape trim. Then I’ll show off the finished project in all its glory.

Where we’re going:

This was on a big sale on Amazon. I paid 50 for Sherlock, got this one for $30. So yeah, I grabbed that up because I knew this was the next one I wanted to do.

I’m not going to start this one until Sherlock is 100% complete. I have no idea how long that will be. I will probably crochet a penguin with a sun hat in the mean time. I’ve also ordered some stuff for this — like a better witch broom, some little bottles, and MORE CATS.

A future?

Yall, I want to open an online miniature shop. I’ve gotten into this little world and people sell the most awesome shit and it costs SO MUCH MONEY. And people buy it! Also, some stuff you only want like 1 or 2 of, but have to buy a huge pack.

So I want to get a 3D printer and print some of my own things — laptops, TARDIS’s, what have you. Make some stuff — maybe a leather bound River Song’s Journal? Custom books. Whatever I want! Bulk buy shit from China and sell it it smaller amounts for crafters. Maybe get in on third party kits. And shopping for stuff at the craft store that can be converted to mini (like the cameo earrings to wall cameos) — was so fun. Throw in some thrifting of doll house stuff. I think it could be fun. Oh an yeah, I’m gonna sell a TON of rock and crystal chips.

I honestly think that with about $2k I can get the website, a selection of inventory, and a 3D printer to get it started.

Now this is down the line. I have other financial priorities. I COULD do it now. BUT, I’d rather get my savings back squared away and finish my tattoo (which I can’t do until I replace the savings that were spent on the deck and pool repairs last summer). Until then, I can keep doing minis and get a feel for what people want.

I already know custom books and mini nerd things (AKA TARDISs) are in high demand. Someone posted this 1cm TARDIS on a facebook group I follow and the comments BLEW UP with people wanting to buy them. They weren’t selling though — it was just a custom 3D print they made with a scaled down FREE pattern. Etsy is full of shit like sets of super tiny Harry Potter books. Hell, do you know how SWEET I could make River’s journal? I could either do actual embossed leather like her’s — but honestly for it to be so small, I might do the covers in clay and paint them. Could use sewing pins to do the embossed details…

Like I’m serious yall. I think I want to start a fun little side business. And then I can just make fun little things to sell! I can even sell fully finished nooks. Like, they’d cost a ton — but some people DO sell them and there is a market. At least the kits would pay for themselves.

Lord, I Forgot About the Frogs in the Watering Can!

This weekend , I repotted and generally took care of my over-wintered plants. Two Red Banana Trees, eight White Rio Mandevillas, and a giant sun fern. They lived in my master bedroom all winter with a sunlamp. I’ve been wanting to get them out because the Mandevillas are starting to smell very sweet. They’re waking up. So this weekend everyone went outside in big pots with fresh dirt.

So today, Monday, I go water them on my lunch break. Another advantage to working from home! So I grab my water can from the front porch (oh sorry, STANLEY’S STOOP). I water the plants there and go inside to get more water from the kitchen on my way to the back deck. I set my watering can in the sink and start filling.

FROG.

Now, y’all, my house gets a lot of frogs. My pool has the bubblers that sound like a running river. We live next to apartments with little retention ponds with fountains. We got frogs. These guys:

In the summer they cling to our windows to catch bugs attracted to the lights. During the day they sleep in my pool umbrellas and hide under the pillows. (Always check the pillows and umbrellas before sitting and opening because you will be attacked otherwise.)

So. These things scare me. I can’t explain it because I know they absolutely will not hurt me. But my god they are so quick and jumpy and they will JUMP ON YOUR FACE. Yes, it HAS HAPPENED TO ME. So, if I’m looking for them, I’m cool. Like I might have a jump scare if one moves when I find it, but it’s fine. If I’m not expecting to see one, my god, I will scream. Not like a long scream but an extremely loud full on scream.

Like when husband comes to bed with out loudly stating his presence when I’m “sleeping”. That kinda scream. Like the instinct of “I’m about to die” with the quick realization of “I’m ok”.

And in the summer, these motherfuckers love my umbrellas and my watering cans. Big two gallons of shade. Fuck yeah. Personal frog grotto, bitches. I get it. But I forgot. And you can’t see them in there because there’s only a small filling hole. Like this. Great watering can. Totally recommend.

So when I turn on the water, Big Bertha comes up to the fill hole. I scream. Husband is in work meeting. He usually handles the frogs. It’s ok, it’s in the can still… I get solo cup. I got this.

I get solo cup and quickly pounce over the hole while the waters still running. Got you, bitch! Then I scream bloody murder because there was a baby Bertha in there too and now it’s on my window sill!

So I get the solo cup covered can outside and set it down. Will worry about Big Bertha later. Gotta catch baby. There was much screaming. I get baby Bertha in the cup and run outside to release it. It jumps out of the cup and I scream. Cause that’s what I do. And THEN I have to call out “IM FINE! JUST A FROG!” Cause all the neighbors can here me.

Oy. I forgot about those fuckers in my watering cans. Last year Louie had a field day when I brought the watering can inside so frogs wouldn’t get in it… Not knowing there was a frog in it.

Anyway, I watered the plants with the solo cup over the hole so. Big Bertha wouldn’t attack me and then dumped her out. Now the can is INSIDE.

Why don’t these things come with a lid or a plug? I usually just have to water my deck plants with one hanging out on the can like this the whole time:

Yeah, that motherfucker sat there while I watered every single plant.

Life Hack

Also, I know I’m 41 and the daughter of a gardener extraordinair. I’m also lazy as fuck. So I’ve never over wintered my plants before. Holy shit, FREE PLANTS! I’ve got, like, $200+ worth of plants out there!

The Red Banana Trees with Mandevillas are back on the front porch. They thrived last year. This year, I removed one of the 4 Mandevillas from each pot. I also put them in much bigger pots and made a taller trellis on the side against the columns for the vines to grow up. Last year it was a hot mess and I kept wadding them up in a tomatoe-cage-like structure around the Banana Tree and they were barely contained and the Banana Tree suffered from lack of light.

The small sun fern I bought last year is HUMONGOUS. I knew I’d have to divide it, but I ended up dividing it into three! Three sun ferns the same size as this one was when I bought it.

Also, have you ever devided a fern? For fucks sake, I did not expect that difficulty. I tried to just dive in with a trowel. Nope. So I grabbed my machete. Nope. So I used the saw blade side of the machete. Nope. I ended up sawing the rootball easily enough, but damn, getting through the matted top layer was like WTF? I’ve trimmed hedges easier than that.

They’re fine. Still plenty of roots and green stems for each third. And little bulb things… Are those fern bulbs? Do ferns make bulbs?

I also have the two Mandevillas I thinned out in another pot. I’m going to let them grow over the back stair railing. See: FREE PLANTS.

If my lemongrass works out, I probably won’t buy anymore plants this year.

Overwintering sucks though. I have a cat. Plants a big and heavy. The garage is freezing. So this winter, I have a plan! I’m going to buy a popup green house (basically a popup tent) and put it where my gardening table is. Plenty of room. Stick some grow lights in there and buy a little greenhouse heater. Should only cost $200 all together and it already saved me that much this year!

Probably gonna start a compost heap for dirt too. I got an acre so I can put it way back in the corner of the property.

I watched a lemongrass tutorial and I think I found why the seeds are so hard to get. No one grows it from seed. They pull up the main stalk with barely any roots, trim it down to a few inches, strip off the outer layers, wash off the dirt, and stick them in cold water to over winter. Change the water out once a week and come spring, stick ’em back in the ground. So I’ll be doing that this year if I’m successful.

They also taught me how to weave little grass bundles for cooking and tea. So if anyone wants those, I should have a ton come fall!

The Death of OJ

This morning we were idly chatting about Saturday morning type things. Husband asked me if I had heard that OJ died. I said no, but I saw this meme and I knew:

It’s so true. Let him go out in style. We were like the key age to remember this shit. I remember the trial VERY VIVIDLY. This was way bigger than Depp vs Heard.

Anyone who is sad about this shit can kick rocks. Motherfucker wrote a book called “If I Did It.” They had even filmed an interview for Fox called “O.J. Simpson: If I Did It, Here’s How It Happened.”

What a piece of shit. Also that Fox tried to pull that shit shows all their integrity. They did eventually air that interview anyway — so they never actually found any morals.