I gotta get this written out before I forget everything that happened Wednesday. Thankfully, I texted my husband a lot so I have notes.
So Wednesday did not start out great. I fell asleep after turning off my alarms. I was having a semi-bad dream. I say semi-bad because it’s pretty norm. For some reason a big ongoing thing in my dreams is always my car brakes not working. Not necessarily a complete failure but being where I’m standing on the brake pedal trying to come to a complete stop but still having a slow roll and can’t stop on point. So I was giving a new coworker a ride home. She had a downward slopped drive and I couldn’t stop soon enough and just barely bumped her bros car. No damage, but I feel like shit so I agree to at least get them dinner. So I’m going to order them pizza. Oddly I remember that one of the pizzas was a dessert pizza that had Andes Mints and sesame seeds. My husband loves Andes Mints.
So I drive away and decide to pull over to order the pizzas. I pull over at Bass Pro Shops — but it was a tiny one. Then I hear a meow in the back seat.
JACK!?
I literally woke up and screamed “Jack!?”
OK, it wasn’t Jack. Louie was being a good boy and pissed that I was obviously sleeping too late for his favor. So he was meowing at me. Thanks, boy. So I was late to work.
My Wednesdays are oddly slow because it’s the only day I don’t have any set meetings. So work was pretty chill. I decided to argue with Amazon. First, Louie’s treats didn’t arrive. I know it was a lie that they were delivered because it said left on porch by door when they would have fit in my mailbox. Liars. I hope whoever stole my package doesn’t even have a cat! They were cool though and agree to just replace it and sent out some more. They got here today, actually — and IN THE MAILBOX. Thanks Amazon. (BTW, I can only find these treats at Walmart and even then only in Chicken. I can get a variety of three flavors online).
While I was on a roll, I decide to argue my meat sticks case. Listen, I’m not a huge jerky person but I’m keto. So I have found that I like the Jacks Links Pepperoni Beef Sticks. They’re expensive so I order them online as well by the case to save some money. So no surprise that Amazon recommended Jacks Links in Spicy Pepperoni to me. They were half the size so half the price so I used the “buy now” button. I like spicy things.
A week later I get an email that my package is delayed at customs. Wait, what? So I look up my orders and the beef sticks are coming from CANADA. With the hefty shipping fee of $29.00! WTF? I never saw the shipping fee because I used the buy now button. Why would Amazon recommend something from Canada where the shipping is as much as the item? I buy all my shit on Prime shipping for “free.” So I decide to bring it up. I use the chat online feature. Super nice lady Shreya says, it’s cool, they’ll refund the shipping cost. I make sure it’s not on the seller, because it’s Amazons fault — not theirs. I got the product. The problem is it should never have been recommended to me. I was happy for the refund but im skeptical so I screenshot the convo before it went away.
Shreya calms my concerns about the seller suffering by telling me that she “understand[s my] concern. Please do not worry. You’ve my word. You can definitely put your trust in me.” Maybe that’s why I screenshot it. That’s a lot of comfort there, Shreya.
Then I get an email from the seller asking why I want a refund. I look at our conversation history and Customer Service just sent and email that I wanted a refund. He offers me a $15 refund (half shipping). I explain to the seller what happened and that I did not want a refund from them in anyway. This is Amazons fault and they should fix it. I share the screenshot with him as proof and turn down his offer of $15. If Bezos can fly to space with William Shatner in a metal penis, he can damn well honor when his algorithm makes a mistake. Not put it on some poor small business.
So I chat up Customer Service again. This time I have to use a different option to get an agent because I already used “problem with order.” So this time I used “Found cheaper somewhere else” (LIKE AMERICA) and then clicked “other.” I explained the problem to the new chat guy. He gives me a copy paste about how Amazon doesn’t price match. I told him yeah, OK, did you read the messages I sent just now? Motherfucker ENDS CHAT. Hell no.
So I use another option of complaint. This time I request a call. I was on the phone with some Indian guy for a good while. He was nice. Just a lot of putting me on hold, really. I assume he was getting permission to credit me. He said they would credit me $30 to cover the shipping. Awesome. We’ll see if that happens. I emailed the guy and told him what happened and that he should not be asked for any refund for my purchase and to let me know immediately if Amazon tried to pull some shady shit. He thanked me and wished me a good weekend.
During all this I was also fielding calls with my doctors office because my thyroids out of whack. So last appointment we knew it was too high. But like barely too high. So he said, see how you feel. 2 months later and I feel insanely hungry when I shouldn’t and my heart feels funny. One, I don’t like when my heart feels funny. It seems like a bad thing in general. Also my stomach is like EAT, BITCH. And I’m like dude, we had lunch 30 minutes ago! And my stomachs like FUCK YOU! So it’s not even an “I want to eat” — it’s my stomach grumbling for food. So yall need to fix this shit.
This should be simple. I’ve been with my doctor for 20 years. I know the nurse. He told me if I feel off, call and he’ll adjust the dosage. So I call and request A, his nurse. Only the receptionist wants to know EVERY FUCKING DETAIL including drugs and dosages. And she couldn’t spell the drugs either, I had to google them and spell them out for her. You know why? Cause she’s not a nurse, shes a fucking receptionist! So she tells me I’ll have to come in for labs. No, bitch. Have A call me.
So the A calls me and says the idiot didn’t even look over to see that she was just sitting there and could have taken the phone. She tells me that lady is a bit special. I think I might complain that that bitch doesn’t need my private medical history when I call. But anyway, A is on it. New dosage incoming. Gotta pick it up after work. That’s cool cause I need deli meat for my work lunches anyway.
So About an hour before I leave work, I order ahead on the Publix app for my deli meat. I ask my husband if he wants anything so I order him a sub too. They should be ready at 5:30. Sweet. So I get to the store around 6. Oh look whats not ready! I don’t know why they offer order ahead — it’s literally NEVER READY. There wasn’t even a single person in line. They just hadn’t done my order yet. That’s cool. It’s not like this doesn’t always happen. I wait about 5 minutes and then I’m like “hey, can I go get the rest of my groceries and swing back?” They’re cool with that. Awesome.
So I go over to the pharmacy. I had already prepaid and signed for my pills in the app. So I hop over to the “prepaid pickup” area. Does anyone in the pharmacy give a fuck? No. They take care of the entire 3 person line of other customers before they even acknowledge me. ALL I NEED IS YOU TO HAND ME MY BAG. This is why I started texting husband that Publix was trying kill me. Anyway, I get my new thyroid hormones and grab my groceries and head back to the deli.
Husbands sandwich is in the case but not my deli meat. So I ask them about it. “Are you Mrs C?” “Yes” “We’re out of that ham.” I admit I did say “Well, you could have told me that two hours ago” — he replied with “I just got off break maam.” Touche.
Seriously, these people have my phone number. They just had me standing there for over 5 minutes earlier. Then they also had the store speaker but no one tells me they can’t fulfill my order. Now I’m texting husband even more because dammit, I’m not gonna break. So I request a DIFFERENT ham. Wait around and break guy hands me some turkey. I look at it and –seriously very politely – say “Oh hey, this isn’t mine.” He asks again if I’m Mrs C. I say yes. He says this is what I ordered on the app and proceeds to read me the label. I apologize and think maybe I did click the wrong thing on the app so I ask him to give me a minute to pull up my email and see what I ordered (cause if I ordered then wrong thing, fine, I’ll pay for it). But I didn’t.
“Yeah no, I ordered the Boars Head Peppenero Ham and a sub.” “I already told you we’re out of that ham.”
Motherfucker.
I literally texted my husband that I think I’m on a prank show and they’re trying to see how much shit I can take. I tell him I know, that’s why I asked for the Boars Head Garlic Parmesan instead. This is TURKEY. It takes a woman coming out of the cooler to tell him that that’s not mine before he proceeds to actually get me what I’m asking for. Like I’m not even looking at them at this point because I’m texting furiously with my husband trying to keep my cool. I don’t want to yell or become a “Karen.”
So then I head to the registers. There’s two “10 items or less” lanes and one regular lane open. So I head for the regular lane. I’m not gonna be that person with the full cart in the 10 items lane. It’s blocked by a stock trolley full of stock. But the cashier and bagger are sitting there like dumbasses waiting for someone to come up – even though the other lanes have massive lines. There’s actually a lot of workers around so I ask a passing worker if lane two is closed. She looks at the light and the cashier eagerly awaiting customers and cheerily says “no! it’s open!” I’m nearing breaking point so I say, in as fake a positive voice as I can, “then can you have someone move all this SHIT?”
So she goes and gets someone to move it. Here’s how crowded the other lines are. Even though I’m right there and the one who asked for assistance, an old man ducks in there before I can. He looks at me all exasperated and comments how all these workers are just standing around and no one thinks to move that thing!
MOTHERFUCKER, WHY DIDN’T YOU MENTION IT THEN?
By then I had called my husband for emotional support. I told him if the car doesn’t start then I’m just walking home and he can come get this shit. Thankfully the car started, but someone speeding through the parking lot did try to kill me on the way out.
What a long ass week.