Fuck this Mother’s Day

I wish I could skip this Mother’s Day. My mom isn’t here any more. She was the most awesome person ever and she’s gone. I have no mom to celebrate anymore so I don’t wanna participate. Leave me out, guys.

But I can’t. Mr C has a mom. I handmade her a nice card. We chose a bouquet of flowers to be delivered to her. Tomorrow we’ll talk to her and wish her a Happy Mother’s Day. And she is the mother of my favorite person so that’s fine. But it feels so wrong. She’s not my mom! She’ll never be close to being my mom. My mom dead. I can’t send my mom flowers. I can’t call my mom. Here I am doing all these things for my mother in law and nothing for my own mother. It feels dirty. Who’s gonna celebrate my mom? Who’s gonna acknowledge that fuck this day, my moms dead! She’s gone! Who’s gonna acknowledge my heartbreak? Fuck this shit. Fuck Mother’s Day. They stole my mom from me.

I did buy some plants in her honor. The other day I was at Home Depot and picked up a Hibiscus for the back stoop. Mom bought two big Hibisus for the front porch last year and I killed them over the winter. So here’s to mom! Then Friday I picked out some flowers for the planter on the stoop. Mom would have long had already planted that stoop full of blooming flowers. The front porch too! Lord she’d probably be putting shit down the front stairs by now. So in honor of mom, I did the back stoop. It looked nice. I posted it on facebook with a nice message about being blessed to have had an amazing mother who is so very missed.

I didn’t do the front because the front is a pain in the ass. I hate having to water the flowers out there. Plus, because of the columns and the path of the sun, one side gets way more sun than the other. But then I was at Ace Hardware and they had ferns. I casually asked how much they were. They were only $12. Momma loved a good fern. I could just hear her telling me how great they’d look on the porch. How can I leave such a beautiful porch bare? Such a shame. She never even asked me before planting it every year — she’d just come home with plants for the front porch and then I had plants to take care of. She’d plant elaborate mixed pots. Multiple pots for layers of flowers. *sigh* Mom would have bought those ferns so so did I.

Now they look like they need plant stands don’t they? I guarantee you mom would have them in plant stands before I wake up tomorrow. I’d wake up and she’d be like “see if you notice anything different!” She’d have to force hint the porch for me cause that’s a broad ask.

I love you, momma. I loved you with all my heart. I miss you so much. And I AM thankful that I got to have the kind of mom that leaves such a big gap in my heart. I’m glad I got to have you. Rest in peace, mom.