Category: Family

Eight Day Migraine

Posted on | by cursingcats.com | Leave a Comment on Eight Day Migraine

Family Catch-up

Yall know I’ve been stressed. I haven’t been posting a ton, but you remember the family drama, right? My (low contact) dad died and my sisters be crazy and I got tossed back into the turmoil I needed therapy to escape.

Actually, I just looked it up to backlink and I haven’t posted about it since the day he died. That’s how you know its stressful. You stop trying your stress relief and asking for help because it’s just fucked.

Hmm. Wow. How do we update this without a thesis? Dad died, obviously. I don’t get bereavement leave and took unpaid time to be there when he died. So lame. It’s not relevant, but I’m bitter.

So, my sister, the caretaker is kinda of taking charge of everything. Cause My father had a will that left the house to her but he never signed it because OF COURSE. And while he was with his GF for 16 years, they weren’t married and she had her own house closer to her work so they can’t establish common law marriage. So that leaves us with having to get an attorney to settle the estate and all 5 children have to agree to everything and/or get an equal cut.

So caretaker sister was doing that. She had already been doing a bunch of it and keeping everyone totally up to date. Then she went to pick up the death certificates and someone already had. Turns out secret family step brother had picked them up. He claimed it was to be helpful. But really he was getting his own attorney to get power of the estate — which doesn’t matter because the law would still be the same, but some people are stupid. Well, I actually saved the day by telling them that she could just go print a new one for $15 and she did so she beat him to it. But I still got yelled at a ton.

Why? Cause evil secret family step brother is trying to thwart everyone on every single fucking thing. First it was the death certificates. Then he filmed everything in the house to document it so nothing would be lost. Then fighing over what real estate agent to use. Refusing to let movers be paid for by the estate (my solution to “im not helping”) or help himself. And all through all of this shit he lying his teeth off about how he’s doing it to protect caregiver sister. Whatever.

Oh wait — so antifreeze sister and secret family step brother think there is money to be had. Cause dad lived like he had money. And they’re stupid. Dad owed years of back taxes and had a reverse mortgage. So no. I was on team — just let them reposes everything. But my siblings wanted to sell the house because even with the reverse mortgage there was/is money to be made. So I was like sure, I vote to sell too. So then they had to fix shit and pack up the house and move the packed up shit (cause dad was kind of a hoarder about buying ALL THE SHIT). And I got a fuck ton of flack for not being there helping. EVEN FROM MY SISTER IN LAW.

Yall, I wanted to let it get repossessed. I don’t want any of his shit. I’m not the one stealing death certificates and getting my own attorney. Yet I’m getting yelled at over text way too much. And secret family step brother is a total piece of shit. His attorney sent a letter of his demands which was everything with VIN plus everything of any value — plus dads retirement axe and medals. Like everything. Which I find especially scummy because he demanded the only two things the girl friend of 16 year wanted. Fucking piece of shit. I get that both of his parents had personality disorders so he surely does as well — but he has a wife. How is she justifying her husband acting like this? Someone dies and you just run in and try to take it all? I’m told they DID actually try to get the house too. They wanted to take out a reverse mortgage of their own to pay off dads reverse mortgage and they get the house. Yeah… the law don’t work like that.

So we’re selling dads house and vehicles and, now everything. And now that secret family step brother is fighting us in court, we’re going to have to sell EVERYTHING. Yeah, like even the personal shit. If you want it, you gotta buy it from the estate. Which, I don’t want any of it – but that’s harsh, man. Also, all the money we’re spending to fight his attorney will come out of the estate at the end. He’s gonna get 1/5th of the money no matter what — that’s the law. So why is he making it so difficult? Also, he still has one of the vehicles (illegally) and won’t give caretaker sister the millage to estimate it’s value for sell. Last I heard (over a week ago), she was going to have the attorney demand it be returned or report it missing if he doesn’t. Cause… you can’t have a car that’s not yours. Like what are you even thinking? It’s not in your name. How would you even renew the tags? What is happening?

And yes, I DO have all of these text messages muted. But I still see them. And it’s very stressful. And I’m tried of getting shat on by my family. Also, YALL ARE INSANE. This is a fucking soap opera. The step brother from dads secret family is suing us for everything after his death That’s a bad tv plot.

Work Catch-up

I haven’t posted at all about work. Because it’s a cluster fuck. I don’t know if you follow the news, but the US is kinda going up in flames at the moment. I’m a federal employee. So yadda yadda yadda, we gotta get rid of 2000 people. DRP, DRP2, VERA/VSIP — only half there, guys! So they cut all the probationary people. Not enough. Until recently, I didn’t have to worry too much, cause I’m a term. Meaning I was hired for a term. For the past few years, my company has only been letting people hire on as terms and not “perms” (permanent employees). They just extend the terms forever. So until recently, it didn’t affect me. They had to cut perms. My job wouldn’t affect anything. Well, then they decided that you could only have 10% overage as well — overage is the term employees. We have way too many. So until we get down to our goal staff, we can’t renew terms. My term is up January 17, 2026.

Well, they really need some of us. (LISTEN — there is government fat that needs cutting. You know who it is? The lifers that don’t do work and you can’t fire them. But this isn’t touching those people). So they were extending some terms to get us out of the cut window. But then FRAGO23 hit and they wouldn’t let them extend terms anymore. So I get called into a meeting with 3 up my chain of command to inform me my extension had not been processed yet. FUCK. They extended me and then reneged it!

So now I gotta find a job. Husband got laid off in April and so is in his gap year. SO I HAVE OUR HEALTH INSURANCE. We have savings and no debt so we are so awesome. Like everyone else is fucked and we are crazy blessed. But, I still need insurance. We can’t not have insurance. So I gotta find a job. With insurance. Now. And it’s more stressful job hunting when it’s just you with the insurance. I can’t go on husbands insurance — HES ON MINE.

So I’m job hunting! I’ve been to a symposium, a hiring event, and today I had an interview. Fun. Fun times. Not like everyone else isn’t looking for a job too. I fucking hate new jobs.

Migraine

So suffice to say, I’m fucking stressed to hell. I had my regular followup with my neurologist last month and they were like “how are your headaches?” And I was like really fucking bad. Cause anxiety and stress makes migraines worse. I know this. So I’m like — I’m stressed to fuck and my neck is jank. But they were like — well… we’re gonna do an MRI and more physical therapy for your neck anyway. Awesome.

Then last Monday, I started getting a bad headache. Mostly sound sensitive. PT on Tuesday and it started to become light sensitive. Wednesday we had a meeting with my new division at work.

— Wait — more background — were doing a whole new reorg and it is a CLUSTERFUCK. Like I am on the Titanic. So really, I think God is just forcing me out of this shitty job that he knew I wouldn’t leave due to inertia. —

New division is such an epic clusterfuck that you just can’t even say anything. You just have to go — yep. Ok. You wanna die, fine — lets go play music while the ship sinks. Great plan, AMERICA. So combine that with the Migraine and I left early.

Tuesday I had tried one rescue med. Wednesday I decided to try another. I can’t drive on that one so It meant taking Thursday off too. Yeah, neither worked. So Thursday, I call the neurologist twice. Then again once on Friday. And Friday at close, I get a call that they’re calling in a different rescue med.

Well, insurance doesn’t cover it. And their office is closed now for the weekend. The no cost help-pay option only works if insurance covers part of it — then the drug company pays the rest. So that’s no help. GoodRx price was $1,200. FOR HOW MANY? 10 pills. Can I get less? Hold. We can do 3 pills for $400. How much is a fucking dose? 1 pill. How much is one pill? $140. Fucking fill it.

Two days missed work, three rescue meds — one of which cost $140 — didn’t fix the migraine. So Monday I’m at work and my stomach is just going “im gonna barf im gonna barf im gonna barf.” I can wok through pain, but working through “im gonna barf” is significantly more difficult. So I call the neurologist again — I’ve missed 2 days of work and spent over $150 and you haven’t fixed it. And they’re like — yo you gotta go to the hospital or urgent care then. Wait WHAT? What the fuck can urgent care do?

So I call Urgent Care. They can give me two shots. Then if that doesn’t work, the next day, they can hook me up to some IVs. Holy shit, why didn’t anyone tell me this last week? I’m on my way.

So I go and they’re like rate your pain. I fucking hate rating my pain. I have a high pain tolerance and I really think that a 10 should be “I’ve cut my hand off but I can still talk and answer this question.” So I learned that you don’t give them a number, you tell them how it is affecting your life. So I was like driving makes me want to cry, I feel like I ate ecoli tainted mexican food, I’ve missed 2 days of work, and I paid $150 for a PILL. ONE PILL. Do you know how much ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS IS? And now I’m here even though this means I have to work late to make it up. “So 8 then?” Sure. Oh and, obviously, my head feels like it’s in a vice grip, but we discussed that’s easier to sit through than the barf thing.

So they gave me a shot in each side of my ass on Monday.

It’s Wednesday and I think we’re finally over the hump. I did think it was totally gone but I do admit that typing this, I have a bit of a headache.

It’s stress. Stress is going to kill me.

Palate Cleanser

Posted on | by cursingcats.com | Leave a Comment on Palate Cleanser

So things have in fact gotten even worse since my last post — but fuck that. This post isn’t about that. This post is about some new wonderful developments.

Third Day

Third Day is doing a 30th anniversary REUNION TOUR!

Third Day broke up back in like 2018.

Roll it back. So in 1998 or 1999, I was in Highschool. A girl in my class had been gifted a cassette of “Time” for Christmas and she hated it. (Yes a cassette — I’m old.) I was a very much bubble Christian (ugh, I know, I hate me too) so she gave it to me. I fucking loved it.

I became a huge fan. Remember message boards? I was on the Third Day message boards. I started traveling to my current city every year to see them live at Big Spring Jam (yall remember when concerts were super cheap and highschoolers could afford to drive 2 hours to see their favorite bands at big outdoor concerts with lots of stages?). I went down the Third Day rabbit hole, my friends. Any time I could see them, I saw them. I had a lot of shit going on in my life having moved in with my dad and antifreeze sister being abusive and bat shit crazy — Third Day got me through that shit.

Then, sometime around 2000 or maybe 2001, an AMAZING THING HAPPENED. I won a sweepstakes to go see them on tour! I got go to Phoenix Arizona. I met the band saw them there. Then we went to California and saw them there! I even got a prize package and spending money. It was fucking awesome! I took mom with me. They lost my luggage so I wore this shirt for like the whole time:

Obviously, the trip was amazing. We got to see new places and meet lots of cool people. And of course, see my favorite band of all time, TWICE. I mean they were probably creeped out that I had seen them double digits of times — but considering the second winner was a couple who didn’t even know any of their music, I think they were at least glad a fan won. Also a fan who was prolific on their message boards so every night I got online and gave all the fans a recap of the days events. I remember Tai Anderson even asked which one of us was the one posting on the message boards — yeah, that’s me. I got to dip my toes in the Pacific at the beach too!

After that, mom became a die hard fan. I think it was what really bonded mom and I. We hadn’t been close before that. But that coinciding with me moving away and getting a fuck ton of therapy years later helped us become great friends. So after that trip, we’d go to all their concerts together. Yes, I have everything they’ve ever put out — including the rare stuff from before they became known. I was that kind of fan. Mom had all of their CDs and played them constantly.

So imagine our heartbreak when they announced their farewell tour in 2018. Of course we went though. I had actual job money by then so we went to see them at the Fox Theater in Atlanta. And I treated us to a swanky swank hotel room directly across the street with a view of the theater. You might recognize this photo from her service and as the one I have framed in our bedroom. That’s her looking out at the theater:

And then here’s pictures of us before the show and during the show. Last time we got to see them ever 🙁

RIP, Mom. We played Third Day music at her funeral. She was a bigger fan than I was. I loved their early more rock music and she loved their later more worship music. We just loved going to see them whenever we could though.

So then this week it pops up that they’re doing a tour? It’s not until next year but the presale started today. Well, I don’t know who I’m going with, but I got two tickets:

They have a Birmingham show and a Nashville show. With all the clusterfuck in Birmingham this week, I was like — um, Nashville please. Don’t know the plan or even who I’ll go with, but I got tickets just in case. The thought of seeing them without mom is super sad — but again, just in case. I got the tickets.

Birthday Trip!

I haven’t seen my bestie M in forever! And I’ve never visited him since he moved away to work in DC. I’ve kept saying I want to, but haven’t made it happen. I never have PTO and money. I’ve also never been to DC. So this year, we’re taking a birthday trip to see him! I’m so excited! Something to look forward to!

Husband and I want to start taking trips being that we’ve been on a single trip alone in our 13 year of marriage. Also since my family fell apart and doesn’t do holidays, maybe take trips those years we would have done Christmas with them. You know, give me some shit to live for and look forward to.

So we were discussing when my long weekends are and I was like lets make something happen this year. So we’re looking at visiting M this year — maybe for Veterans Day because M and I are both November babies. Then maybe Banff Canada next winter. (Husband found Banff and thought I’d like it cause it looks like a castle. And you can see the Northern Lights from there and that’s a bucket list for me). And then maybe finally take our damn honeymoon for a 15th anniversary in 2027.

So… BIRTHDAY TRIP! I get to see M’s cats and meet his new half feral friend, Ivar. And see his house! I hope Fenrir will come sleep in the bed with me. Fenrir is snuggly.

Husband wants to drive up so we might take 2 days for travel both ways with a solid three in the middle for time with M and museums. He wants to see the space and flight museum and I want to go to the Smithsonian and the Art Museum. With this fucking government mess, I do NOT care to see any of that shit right now.

So this is what’s happening with me.

Posted on | by cursingcats.com | 2 Comments on So this is what’s happening with me.

I wanted to text my friends to let them know my drama cause I know it’s unhealthy to just bottle shit up and die. 

I also wanted to send my brother in law and sister in law a very abridged version so everyone can keep my mother in law from asking me about it. 

Then I thought, I’ll just post my trauma! Link the friends and cut it down for the in laws.  I’m so smart!

First we gotta background this shit. 

So like two years ago (maybe less?) my dad almost died from an infected ball hair.  He’s super diabetic cause he doesn’t take care of himself.  And then when his doctor was like, “you a diabetic.” He literally told us all “you’re not really a diabetic until you’re on insulin.” So naturally, he ended up needing insulin.  But he still never took care of himself.  And diabetics don’t handle infections well.  So he ends up hospitalized for an unknown infection.  It took days to find because I guess no one looked at his balls.  Which, fair,  makes sense, really. 

Anyway, he almost died.  And my family was insistent that someone needed to be with him 24 hours a day.  So shifts were arranged via group texts. 

I live 90 miles away with a full time job.   Not to mention I don’t even like that bastard, so I’m not taking a shift. 

Then after, I think, 2 months in the hospital he was sent to a super posh rehab.  Like live music in the cafeteria and golf having rehab.  But apparently, he needed multiple visitors per day because he thinks we’ve abandoned him.

Did I mention I hate this bastard?

So for months, I’m getting multiple texts PER DAY making arrangements to baby him (his dogs even visited every day).  And my mental health is suffering and I’m just becoming enraged at the lengths everyone has to go through for this son of a bitch. 

So I vent to my brother’s wife.  She tells me, they (my siblings) fully expect me to help so if I’m not going to, I need to let them know and to be asked to be removed from the chats.  That’s reasonable. 

NOTE: While venting about this my brother yells at me that SOMEONE’S IN THE HOSPITAL!  Keep that in mind for later. 

So that’s when my family disowned me.  It was very hard but I accepted this was the price of mental health.  Later, I made up with my brother because I like him.  He was more chill once things settled down.  Also, he’s hosted the last two Thanksgiving’s and I’m the only one in my family who showed up.  Well, one sister was at the last one.  But considering they live within sight of his house on the same block, fuck that. 

So now we’re up to this year.  My father still won’t take care of his health.  He won’t do stretches or try to be more mobile. So he can’t put on socks.  So he just wears his old shoes without socks.  And gets a blister.  His girlfriend notices it when she’s taking care of him and cleans it up.  Then goes to work.  Comes back the next day and it’s clearly red.  Yep, infection.  So he goes to the hospital.  Infection went to the bone so they amputated half his foot. 

Now remember how I said note my brother’s anger at me bowing out last time?  Well my brother’s family wouldn’t be involved this time.  They haven’t seen him in over a year because he disowned THEM.  Yep.  Even though they took care of him when he was dying.  And my brother’s wife is venting about how angry my sister is that they aren’t helping and I was just like “welcome to my side.  The side of the evil assholes.” You give everything and it’s not going to be good enough.  This man won’t even talk to MY NEPHEWS. 

Ok, you are mostly caught up. 

Last month, so less than a month ago, husband and I go down there for my nephews highschool graduation.  My sister and dads girlfriend are the only ones taking care of him because literally everyone else on earth hates him.  You see any friends?  I don’t. 

Sister says he’s doing really bad mentally so I begrudgingly go by to say hello.  He was very weak and frail.  Can’t get up or down by himself.  They have to take him to the toilet.  Really nursing home territory, but you tell my miserable sister that.  Anyway we did our due diligence.  Which oddly enough, means we had seen him more recently than my bro or my other sister. 

Semi relevant – last week was OTHER sisters birthday.  So I called.  Good God, what a mistake.  Stuck on the phone for two hours and just sent me into a complete mental spiral downward.  SHE LOST HER JOB! She finally had a job and an apartment and she lost it and can’t afford her rent and IM THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS THIS SHIT STORM IS COMING.

Very dark place mentally.  Husband is my rock though.  It’s not my business.  Stay out of it.  Maybe just never talk to your sisters. Reasonable suggestion.

Back to dad. Now we’ve known that he needs 24 hours care and my sister and the girlfriend have been doing it.  If they can’t, they have to hire a nurse or sitter. Sister has posted this drama all over social media.  But she never asked for help or money.  My brother’s wife even offered to go clean her house or dog-sit for my sister.  But she wouldn’t help with dad because dad kinda hates her whole family. 

Then last week (I just checked my phone, so not even a week ago), sister texts that she’s hiring hospice to help with dad.  Good.  They need some help.  Everyone texts that their condolences blah blah. 

BTW, no one even knows other sister is unemployed and should probably be helping out…

Then she sends a very long text about how heartbroken and beaten down she is that all of this has been on her shoulders and we’re all pieces of shit and she’s spent her savings on dad and blah blah. 

I mean, fair for me, but you never asked for help much less money from anyone.  Also, you don’t have to be the one taking care of him.  Let his girlfriend do it.  Or better yet, a nice nursing home! Somehow you are the entire codependent triangle AT THE SAME TIME.  Rescuer – Victim – Prosecutor.  Like I’ve been in therapy 20 years trying to break this triangle and you just like made it your triforce.  Well done. 

Well, my brother’s wife shot back that she’s reached out to help numerous times, just not willing to help directly with dad.  That was that. 

So this whole time sister has been slapping this drama on social media and how she’s all alone in this.  Hell, my fucking mother in law even asked about it last weekend. 

Like I’ve tried to explain “disowned” to her for two years but she just doesn’t get it. 

Then yesterday, I happen to hop on Facebook.  I don’t do that daily anymore.  (Note, my brother isn’t even on Facebook.)    There’s a post there by my sister tagging my father announcing that he is dying.  She’s tagging him in it so his friends that wish to say goodbye can come do so.

What the fuck?  You just not gonna tell anyone? 

So I screenshot it and send it to my brother’s wife cause I ain’t calling my crazy sister.  She’s in jury duty so she sends it to my brother and tells him to go over there and see what is going on.  (They haven’t seen Dad in over a year as were dads wishes).  So I call my brother and I tell him about how I knew he’d been in decline but when we saw him he was perfectly lucid and to let me know what’s going on. 

So they (brother and his wife) call me last night.  Yep, he dying.  Well, maybe? 

Apparently, this weekend he just started to decline rapidly and they don’t know why.  But he’s on hospice so it’s not like he’s going to the doctor.  They have him in a hospital bed and he can’t get up or move.  You can barely understand him.  They think he’s got days.  His girlfriend says it’s like he just doesn’t want to live anymore.  He won’t eat.  They’re having to change his diapers.  He’s in tons of pain.  Apparently, he’s confused and asking for people who aren’t there. 

So…

Um…

What do I do here, exactly?

They invited me to stay at their place if I want to come down this weekend which I suppose I kinda have to.  Like not for that asshole, dad.  But for my siblings.  I love my brother. 

My sister will hate me no matter what and she needs someone to hate so OK. 

They said I should call my sister (I’m the one who told THEM but I didn’t call my sister who told Facebook he’s dying but not his family).  I called.  She didn’t answer.  I texted.  No text back.  Actually, last week I texted her after her text rant that I wanted to send her some diamond art coasters that is a very mindless zen art project she could easily pick up and put down.  Never got a reply.   I’m telling y’all, hates me.  I told her I’d try to call again today.  I’ll do that when I get home and have husband support. 

As for visiting, I don’t know?  I mean… I guess?  Husband thinks the best thing to do is follow brothers lead.  Husband also points out that we don’t even know what things will look like this weekend (as in how fast is he declining?).  He could also just be like this for years, who the hell knows? 

Brother thinks it will be soon though.  So like I guess go down and take his favorite cake (since he apparently won’t eat).  But like we’re just gonna be there awkwardly standing around?  Will he even recognize us?  And hate will be oozing from my sister. 

I just don’t know.  What a cluster fuck. 

I asked them if we should call other sister (WHO NO ONE KNOWS DOESN’T HAVE A JOB) and none of us wanted to do that.  Even brother was like “she’ll see it on Facebook.”

Oh what a fucked up family situation. 

IM IN METAL DISTRESS.  TELL MY MOTHER IN LAW I DON’T WANT TO BE ASKED ABOUT IT.  This is not the time to try to explain these crazy ass dynamics to someone who hasn’t figured out what a carb is for 8 years and doesn’t understand that they hate me. 

So this is 85% of my brain capacity right now.  I’ve got stress tummy.  I’m just trying to get through my day.  Do I call? Do I visit?  I DON’T KNOW.  What gets me judged as least evil, I guess?

And everyone always says I’ll regret not forgiving my father but even if I were capable of that, it’s kinda too late. And I ain’t anywhere near that.  His chances died with my mother. 

…Or maybe when he killed my dog, Smokey, and laughed about it,  there was just no coming back. 

But he can never make amends to my mother and I hate him more for that than anything else. 

UPDATE:  Oh fuck me.  Ok. 

*C is the miserable sister taking care of dad. 

*J is the loser sister who doesn’t have a job. 

*H is my brother’s wife.

I just talked to H.  C texted J to ask why she wasn’t visiting. (Also, somehow they know she doesn’t have a job).  J asked why she needed to.  C says he’s dying.  J says she might come tomorrow. 

H calls J.  J says she doesn’t have a job and doesn’t have gas money.  H says she’ll pay for her gas, she needs to see dad.  Then…

J goes on a rant about how C’s stress is more important HER stress (it is).  And says she might as well just drink antifreeze and let us smell her body. 

H was like, I just didn’t even respond. 

How do you even begin to explain this shit to anyone?

UPDATE 2: Welp.  I’m here.  Brother called at 3am and said the end is nigh.  So I came down. 

Unfortunately, J is here too.  She won’t talk to anyone but I guess the antifreeze thing didn’t pan out.  Which , really?  You live in an apartment and don’t take care of your car.  You don’t have antifreeze.  You’re too lazy to go get it and too broke to buy it.  What a stupid suicide threat.  And also, you live in an apartment, we would just get a phone call after they cleaned up your biohazard ass. 

Oh my lord, how could you even begin to explain these dynamics to anyone?

I came for my brother.  Also, no one can say I didn’t come. 

Fox News is on the TVs.  So that’s fun. 

I activated my support network this morning.  I’m not sad, but I God I gotta keep the crazy out. 

Fucking Life BS

Posted on | by cursingcats.com | Leave a Comment on Fucking Life BS

First, I would like to start off with a fuck you to Facebook who wants me to update this fun frivolous photo of my dead mother laughing with a funny pool float she bought during her last summer on this Earth. 

Fuck youuuuuuuuu

Also, work sucks.  You know, status quo, now.  We’ve met about half of our “must eliminate ” quota from this fine government regime.  Only 323 more positions to eliminate.  They’ll all take the buy out, right?  Right? Even though literally no one is hiring right now?  It’s totally gonna be fine. 

Also, I called my sister for her birthday.  Man that put me in a dark place.  Like just threw me back into that born-and-raised Codependent Life.  I resisted any urge to reach out to any other family.  To try and hedge against the tsunami coming.  To warn them.  To yell OH MY GOD WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN?  To gossip. 

I do feel that codependency guilt.  Like a lot.  I’m not OK.  But my husband is giving me strength to keep my mouth shut and stay out of that business.  Not my business. 

But like isn’t it?  Now I’m just feeling even more guilty about all the BS shoved on my family.  But like, they don’t HAVE to pick up the bullshit.  If anything, my brother and his family proved that this year.  They were shunning my cold heartedness last time dad almost died and babysitting him 24/7.  They have completely abstained this time.  So like, it can be done by not JUST me.  SIL is talking about how sister is mad at her for not helping.  Yeah, welcome to my world.  Y’all sure judged me last time.  See how it is?

Ugh.  Family trauma.  Dead mom.  POS dad keeps almost dying and now needs 24/7 care but only his girl friend and one sister are taking care of him and they’re drowning.  And of course very resentful of the rest of us.

And now the rest of this other sister bullshit is coming at them and they don’t even know it’s coming.  ONLY I KNOW. 

I mean at least no one’s gonna ask us for money.  Husband got laid off and the entire US wants me to lose my job and y’all voted for it.  So nope, we poor.  Keep off the lawn. 

Speaking of lawn, there was a turtle in the yard today. 

That is all.

OMFG BEES!

Posted on | by cursingcats.com | Leave a Comment on OMFG BEES!

I’ve been super busy with the end of telework and my in-laws are visiting. 

Return to work is kicking my ass hard.  Also, my soul.  It’s just so sad.  And it feels so infinite.  Like welp, this is life now.  Cause it is. 

So with in-laws visiting, I don’t get to stare at the wall.  We went the Botanical Gardens today and they had this book. 

Oh my fucking god, bees!

Rough First Month

Posted on | by cursingcats.com | Leave a Comment on Rough First Month

I don’t know if yall noticed, but this has been a really rough first month of the presidency for a lot of us. Like REAL rough. It’s been hard. Real hard. One very high high and a fuck ton of really low lows. Mr C and I have the privilege of both being in the middle of this hot mess. I don’t have the ability to look away.

BUT. I cleaned my garage yesterday. Fuck yeah I did. I was gonna clean the back yard. But then we finally bagged up the upstairs Christmas Tree so I needed to put things away in the garage and then it just started. Shit started moving and it was on.

I’m not completely done. I ordered a big pressure washer that will need a home. So I’m going to take my bike which currently hangs horizontally and put it on a vertical hanging rack (ordered from vine). That will give me some space. I’m also gonna use that pressure washer to clean out the moldy broken freezer and move it to the not-accessable-without-a-ladder shelf. I’m also going to decide to either put the ladders where that new space is, or over by husbands car. Then I’m gonna put a tool holder where those are (for the composting tools and the brooms — organizer also from vine).

Why am I keeping an old moldy broken freezer? Because one day, I’m going to make it into a free tiny library on the corner of the property by the city greenway. It’s already water tight! I’m gonna build a box around it to make it cute (it might well be a small TARDIS complete with solar light top). Then I’m going to put a basket on the bottom for sticks and dog toys — a free dog stick library! It’s gonna be adorable. Give me some years to get around to that. It’s a plan.

Like two weeks ago, I hung out with K and K2 and did a vine craft. I ordered Easter Eggs filled with generic lego flowers (click here for that link). Each egg had a flower.

I got the dozen, so four for each of us. I did not think this would be a long activity or a hard one. It was just to get together and chat. Lord we had way too much fun though. First, why were these so much harder than we expected? It was pretty hilarious. The best part was the total silence in concentration that would be broken by little tinkering of small pieces falling to the table and muttering.

I started out on a low point. My first flower was terribly ugly. In fact, it was the ugliest flower by unanimous vote. It looked like someone tried to disguise a anti-aircraft gun. K had just put together what was my choice for the prettiest one. But we had more picks, right?

Well somehow my next two picks were also purple flowers. Ugly ones, I might add. So I was getting frustrated because I kept pulling shitty flowers. So on the last turn, I told them to pick their eggs first and I’d take the last one. Nope, K2 had to see if the trend would keep going. FUCKING PURPLE FLOWER. So, as this is a childs activity and I was frustrated, K stepped up and traded her red flower for my purple. And I got to make a red rose bud that K2 says is a tomato BUT IT’S NOT. And then K put together the second prettiest flower of all, in my opinion, with the set I just traded. Fuck.

So that last photo is all the flowers arranged from my picks for best to worst starting in the bottom left and ending in the top right (so closest (bottom row) to furthest and left to right). I put together flowers ranking #5 (the tomato I traded rank #2 for), #8 (the weird geometric thing), and then ranks #11 and #12. So not my best picking.

Ten out of ten, five star activity though! I do not think a child could put these together but we had great fun. It would be fun as an activity like we did to sit around and joke and put them together. Or like an Easter Advent type thing for a teenager+. They came out to about $1.50 per egg. We all agreed that we would rather find this in an Easter Egg hunt than $1.50. But not as much as we’d want the golden egg which is always at least $5 and maybe $20 if you’re at some rich people egg hunt.

And I don’t know about the others, but I’m from Alabama, I know my egg hunts. Easter was always a grand occasion. You got to get a shiny new Easter dress for church — with a HAT. The only time you can wear a fancy hat to church! Gotta look good for Jesus. Eggs were dyed for the Easter Bunny to hide. And all the egg hunts! I was in egg hunts from as young as I remember. So from the three-and-under class where they just throw some eggs on flat grass and the parents try to convince the stumbling children to put it in their basket — all the way up to the teenagers looking in dead tree trunks for that golden egg.

I found the golden egg once. But I’m pretty sure it was just because my moms friend called me over to the bench where she was sitting with my momma and heavily hinted that I should look *cough cough* behind it. You were a real one, Ms Jackie!

Also, to end on a tragic note — Easter was when I found out that I was too old to believe in the Easter Bunny and Santa. We had gone to Fashion Bug (a plus sized clothing store) to pick out my Easter dress. And they had the SOFTEST stuffed bunny. I begged for it. BEGGED. When we got back to the car I asked mom is maybe the Easter Bunny could bring it to me? And she told me I was too old to believe in that stuff. So I got the bunny on Easter but I never liked it because it was depressing and sad and we didn’t have the money for it.

2024 Christmas Gingerbread House

Posted on | by cursingcats.com | 1 Comment on 2024 Christmas Gingerbread House

Do you just want a recipe? I mean this isn’t a recipe POST, but fuck it, click here to skip it all.

We Doin’ It

Last year, K2 and I did more elaborate gingerbread houses than usual. We stepped up our game. We still did kits, but we were more elaborate with decorations. Then, for Halloween, K2, K, and I went all in on Halloween houses. We made them FROM SCRATCH. I just went to grab you a link and I did not post it. I suck. Probably because deciding which pictures to use (meaning: not posting all 30 angles and combining some in photoshop) and writing it up takes a while. I’ve been working on this post for 3 days. But DAMN. That one was epic so it’s coming. I’ve looked at my media files three times to make sure but — nope, there’s no photos of that uploaded. WTF?

UPDATE! I posted about the Halloween House! I highly recommend you view it — especially if you feel like my skills are beyond yours because that was a CLUSTERFUCK. A true story in thriving in difficulty and overcoming adversity. I mean it was a hot fucking mess but came out better than this one!

Anyway, so for Christmas, we REALLY wanted to step it up. I went all out on Halloween because that is my favorite. K and K2 just did regular house shapes. But I went ALL IN. We did it all from scratch and they were great. So we decided to do it again for Christmas, obviously. This time K and K2 upped their game and I’m reeling mine in a bit. I decided to simplify from the Halloween elaboration. I wanted to do a church with a steeple. Nice, but not the complexity of the Adams Family House. Plus I’ve done this before. Big house shape plus tiny house shape for steeple. Bam.

So here we go:

Day 1: The Bakening

Since these are from scratch, we had one day scheduled just to get them baked. For the Halloween houses, we made three batches of dough but didn’t use it all up by far. So this time we started with three batches. I also died it brown to get some color. I had far fewer (so so so fewer) pieces to make on mine, but K and K2 scaled up a lot, so that wasn’t enough. So we made another two batches (we might have made a third too). Pretty sure K2 had to go to the store for more eggs, but we had no choice — no way were we gonna get close. We didn’t have brown dye left, so from there, the gingerbread pieces all had a very cool swirl effect as we combined batches. I liked it.

I think K2 came over at 4pm and I was done at 2am. Yeah. Lot of baking. I mean it took us a damn long time to get it all rolled and cut and spread all over my kitchen — but you can only fit so much on one cookie sheet and there’s only three racks in the oven. So yeah, my oven was going all night with me rotating stuff in and out. The key is a fuck ton of parchment paper and counter space.

We do paper templates and follow that for the pieces (I also keep the labeled templates to match up the pieces later when assembling). This “gingerbread” recipe has no fat in it so it doesn’t spread at all which is nice. It’s also basically concrete. It’s a pain to baby sit because it wants to curl as it cooks and dries, but it is solid as fuck. If you need to cut apart your pieces (if you have two pieces adjoining on the sheet), recut it halfway through baking because this is solid.

We learned some things from the Halloween Houses:

  • 1) This shit is so solid it does not need to be as thick as you think to be sturdy. When I tossed my Halloween house in the trash, I tried to break it apart and was unsuccessful. So I just tipped it off my counter into a bag. It hit the floor tower roof first and didn’t crack. SOLID.
  • 2) Cutting windows by hand sucks. My house Halloween house had a lot of windows. Cutting them out by hand sucked a lot. So this time, I bought a bunch of geometric shape cutters. Oh my lord, thank you. Clean, perfect cuts. I combined the tear drop and rectangle for gothic windows on mine. Circle and rectangle for arched windows on Ks. We did big and small combos for wreath shapes. K2 went fucking nuts with circles for snowmen and stars and diamond/parallelograms. Just yes, buy cookie cutters.
  • 3) Royal Icing is also concrete. We do hot-glue our houses together (cause aint nobody eating this shit). You only need to glue to hold it until the icing dries. So this time I only used a bit of glue because the icing is going to do all the holding – as evidenced by my trashing of the Halloween House.
  • 4) Caramels can be structural. My Halloween house had a fuck ton of pieces because I did a porch with stairs. I had to use caramels to fix the sides of the stairs and it occurred to me that I could have just used caramels for the stairs. It’s basically clay. It won’t hold up on its own — but you only need it to hold up until your icing dries it solid. So THIS TIME, my stairs are totally caramels. In FACT, we forgot to cut two sides for me front off-shoot so I used caramels. (One got cut, but somehow not a second one.) That’s why I had to ice over those walls when I assembled it.

So here is 2am that night before I finally went to bed! My church is the greyish one on the island (I didn’t paint the roof pieces) and K and K2s are on the counter. I also meant to have a window on the front but there was a lot of cutting happening and it just got missed. Do you see all the pieces we made?

I “painted” the Halloween House purple and loved the results so much that I had to do this one as well. I always do an over-the-top red and green candy house for Christmas houses. So I wanted to go a bit more elegant this year. I wanted an icy blue-grey for the church. I nailed it, but when I was painting it, it felt like a huge fail. It was much darker than I wanted. This dough soaks up liquid like a desert so keep that in mind. And when it dried and the white sugar came through it was perfect.

This is basically just an extremely watered down royal icing that I paint on with a brush. The Halloween House had one or two layers and this has 3 or 4. What I adore about this finish is that it takes the ugly parts and makes them shine. The marbled lighter bits are the grooves and dents and cracks and imperfections. Since more icing settles in those places, it looks lighter/closer to the icing color when it dries. So it is a gorgeous way to keep the character of real baked pieces. The key is that it is a wash, not actual icing. You aren’t icing over the pieces, just washing them with a little bit of sugar (well, royal icing with a ton of water). It should be very drippy and painted on with a paint brush. You’re basting the gingerbread. It should soak into the gingerbread. I also loves that when it dries, there is a very subtle sparkle from the sugar crystals. I just adore this method.

Making Windows

If you’ve never done windows on gingerbread houses — you are missing out! They’re so easy! Throw in some battery powered LED lights while assembling and it’s fucking magic! You just cut them out when baking. They’re filled with melted hard candy. We used jolly ranchers. Separate by colors and bang them up a bit. They don’t have to be pulverized, but break them up a bit. Pretty sure any hard candy can work. butterscotches can do a nice cabin glow.

  • Cut the windows out and then bake.
  • After the ginger bread is done (cool or hot, doesn’t matter), put it on baking paper and fill the holes with candy. Put a lot in there. When it melts it will lose a lot of the volume of the bits you just sprinkled in plus some might seep around the window on the back side. Do NOT do this with the raw dough. The candy will melt very fast and will burn long before your dough finishes cooking. Do this with finished cookie pieces only.
  • To get the stained glass effect seen here, clump colors together in piles. Watch it because it won’t take long to melt. Once they are a uniform puddle with no lines between colors, pull them out and let cool before removing from the pan. If you are quick, you could swirl the colors with a toothpick before they cool.
  • NOTE: White sugar will not even come close to melting before the candy, they don’t work together.

Day 2: Decorating and Assembling

This is a minimum two day process since you have to bake everything. Day two is assembly and decorating. It’s easiest to decorate the sides before assembling. You have a nice flat surface to work on and stick stuff to.

I used black icing to outline my windows and do the stained glass lines. I used a darker grey/blue for decorating. I did a foundation of edible ball bearings (cake pearls?). I also did some swirls to add detail. Then, I assembled with hot glue and covered all my edges, joins, and caramel walls/stairs with the grey/blue icing. By this time, K2 was done with hers, so we have a photo of Louie watching me ice a roof edge.

After she left, I worked many more hours. Silver pearl things got added around some windows to brighten up the black and in a few details to sparkle. It was also looking a bit too generic and non-Christmas. So I made a wreath to glue on later and some garland on the windows. The green bits are sour gummies cut into pieces. The red bits are from a Christmas sprinkles pack we bought last year (save your candy from year to year — no one is eating this shit).

Day 3: Roofing

I needed another day to work on mine. I had assembled the church. It was iced. So Day Three, I started with trees. They are ice cream cones wrapped with sour gummy strips. Then I decided to tackle the roof. It is cinnamon toast crunch. It took 3+ hours. Louie watched TV with me though.

I decided that was a LOT of cereal roof visually, so I added some snow drifts of shredded coconut. I love them! Were they perfect? Hell no. But you know what? You can just pull off whole sections of cereal you fucked up with too many snow drifts and redo it and no one will ever know. You got a whole box of cereal.

To finish off Day Three, I used the rest of the white icing and covered a big area on my base and sprinkled it with the shredded coconut for snow.

BTW, our bases are cardboard wrapped in craft paper. We used doubled up boxes (so 4 layers of cardboard total). Put the boxes in different directions to each other so the creases for the flaps don’t’ line up. I wanted to use solid green wrapping paper but I couldn’t find any. Last Christmas, I used a green gift bag that had a glitter border and it was pretty awesome. I bet scrap fabric would work. Anything you have around to cover the cardboard.

Day 4: The Finishing

Yeah, I needed another day to work on it. Day three was a work night so I couldn’t stay up late. Day four was mostly finishing touches. I glued the wreath on the front of the church with hot glue. I decided the back needed a wreath but I didn’t have any more circle shapes, so I glued a bunch of K2s parallelograms together and glued them to the house. It was fat and I glued it on before decorating so I thought it would be a disaster but I kinda love how huge it is. It took a ton of chopped up gummies to cover.

I topped all of the trees with extra sour gummie cuts to cover the ice cream cone tops. I made little gum drop tiny trees by the church doors topped with some of our star cutouts. I added “bushes” of gum drops. I really committed to that.

I used more of the red sprinkles to decorate the tree in front of the church. And two more star cookies of different sizes for the tree topper. That’s their grand Christmas tree. I couldn’t use the red icing because it just wasn’t red enough even though we used the entire jar of red color. There are some red M&Ms on the tree and wreaths too.

Then, as my final touch… I added a little gingerbread man sprinkle by one of the door trees. I like to think a little girl left her teddy bear there by the tree.

SHE’S DONE! Light her up!

Detail shots:

Front and back:

Side A and Side B:

Holy fuck, I am so damn proud of this one! EVERYONE LOOK AT MY CHURCH! The little star Christmas tree toppers! The trees! THE WINDOWS! Look at my snow drifts!

I like to really throw my all into some projects just so I can be proud of myself and show them off. Remind myself I still “got it.”

You know whats so weird? This “elegant” gingerbread house was far cheaper than a traditional one with all the candy. Sure, it takes longer because the details are all icing. But it required hardly any actual candy. Green gummies, green gummy strips, sprinkles and jolly ranchers (plus the cereal and coconut). Usually you have to have a huge host of different candies for variety. That means it’s actually a lot cheaper to make this fancy style.

Sentimental Throw Backs

This house is a bit of a throw back to the second real gingerbread house I made with my mom back when I live in a shitty apartment in college. We did a church with steeple then too. It also had the cinnamon toast crunch roof. It even had a hershys chocolate door too! So this pleases me greatly. Momma would love it and want to keep it forever.

Here’s a post I did of gingerbread houses through the years. There’s two mom and I did at the apartment from scratch.

Another throw back — the cat destruction. It was a well known “secret” that Jack would sneak onto the counter every night and lick the icing off the gingerbread house. It was hilarious seeing bald spots appear. He never did it in front of us. But every morning there would be missing icing spots or M&Ms with the colorful shell licked off. It was part of the tradition for me.

Well, I noticed the coconut around the Halloween house was disturbed a lot and I just prayed to GOD it wasn’t a mouse. I never saw Louie do it, but I did suspect he might be the culprit. Lo and behold it is him. Louie don’t give a fuck so he got right up on the counter and started eating it right in front of me. Little fucker! And I will 100% allow it because it’s tradition.

Recipes

Concrete AKA “Gingerbread”

Modified with original credit to: The Craft Crib

Ingredients  

  • 2 C granulated sugar
  • 1/2 C corn syrup (the recipe says honey, you could use molasses. Corn syrup is cheapest)
  • 1 TBS warm water
  • 4 eggs
  • (Fuck spices, no one’s eating this)
  • 6 C flour
  • Optional: Food coloring if you want that gingerbread look you would have gotten from the molasses, spices, and brown sugar. This is gonna be sugar cookie pale so maybe add some brown food coloring if that’s your thing. On this Christmas house bake, we did add all my brown to the first batch. Then we made more and didn’t have food coloring so we just combined them and got an awesome swirl effect.

Instructions 

  • Preheat oven to 325 degrees F
  • Bake that shit until it’s dry. I’ve done it twice and it varied a lot. Just make sure it’s dry but don’t over cook it.
  • BABYSIT IT — this might bubble and it certainly likes to curl. We’ve used it twice and it varied so much.
  • The original recipe says: Bake the pieces at 325 degrees F for 15-20 minutes, rolling the dough once after 10 minutes. I don’t know if we used too much water, but this took a LOT longer. Just look and tap it. If it’s shiny and soft, it’s not done. I actually flipped these pieces so they’d just hurry up and cook. Maybe I just cooked them too long? No one’s eating it, it’s fine.
  • The original recipe also says to put a pan on it while it cools to prevent curling. Probably not a bad idea. IT CURLS. Babysit it.

Royal Icing

Modified with original credit to: Hanielas

  • 3 egg whites, (90-100grams)
  • 5 cups powdered sugar (650grams)
  • 1/2 tsp cream of tartar (no, I do not measure this shit. I’ve also forgot it in some colors and didn’t notice a difference. I just sprinkle it in there. It’s cheap)
  • (Fuck flavoring, no one’s eating this)
  • Food Coloring

Trauma Dump

Posted on | by cursingcats.com | 2 Comments on Trauma Dump

ISSUES Are Troubling Me

OK. I got issues. I keep having family nightmares — or I don’t know — bad dreams. Every night lately and yesterday even in my damn afternoon nap. I’d say Gods telling me to contact my family, but I feel like if that were the case, he’d send me a happy memory and not just a lot of fucking trash. Also, they all got my number and they all have my address. I did try to reach out about doing lunch on moms birthday, but my bro said he’d check their schedules and never got back to me. But they had a dinner with my sisters in moms memory. Which I get it, my sisters are right there and I’m 90 miles away but COME ON.

I’m Too Poor for a Therapist

I could probably work this out with a therapist, but I don’t have a therapist. I do have a psychiatrist and it’s $130 to see him. Why? Because we have a lack of every type of medical professional here, including mental health and none of them accept insurance because they don’t have to — they’re overloaded with patients as is. And he only does like 10 minutes to talk about meds — not problems. Psychologists are for THAT. So do I want to pay a hundred-plus dollars to talk to someone? Not really. I want to work on my tattoo.

But I can’t work on my tattoo until I pay back my savings I took out to build the deck (which I have HEAVILY enjoyed for two summers now, BTW — totally worth the cost). That was the deal. I’ll stop throwing boat loads of money at my tattoo until I payback my savings I took out for the deck. And I have paid back the deck — but then I also ended up need to replumb some pool pipes. And then get a whole ass new pool pump last year. And then a new salt cell this year. And next summer I’m gonna need a pool robot. And do I want to replace the pool lights? They haven’t worked for like 3 summers — which I’m told they don’t last very long (they’re actually small LED lights, not the big old pool lights that I used to fear were secretly doors that they could open for the sharks to come out and swim at night). Supposedly a super easy replacement that doesn’t require draining any water — so I might depending on the cost. BUT COST. Yeah I paid back the deck, but thousands went into the other shit. I could have finished the whole damn sleeve by now!

I mean to be fair, the pool is nine summers old. So it’s not that the pool is a clusterfuck, it’s just the age that these things fail. The pipes were in full blast sun and the PVC broke down enough to burst. Repiped — but when they burst, the pool got low enough to run dry and burn out the pump. Of course they don’t make my pump anymore so I couldn’t replace just the electronics, I had to replace the whole damn thing. And salt cells usually only last 5 years, I’m told so ours held in pretty long. So has Clarence the pool robot. He’s about 3 years past usual life expectancy but I did have his under carriage replaced a few years back so that might be why he made it so long.

Therapists Suck

Also, it would take like 5 sessions to catch a therapist up on my problems before we could get anywhere. And of course a TON of time is going to be wasted focusing on me being fat being all of my problems. BECAUSE THAT’S ALWAYS THE CASE. I tried therapy back in like 2000 cause I was suicidal and self harming and the motherfucker thought it was all about me being fat and “socially unacceptable” and that was his plan to go forward. Not to fix generational trauma and abuse — I’m just fat.

By the way, the only time i ever lose weight or maintain weight is when I’m happy. Weight is a symptom not the problem at all. Even when I got skinny after Gastric Bypass I was still miserable. And of course that was just an embarrassing failure. And now I’ve gained 7 pounds because perimenopause is kicking my ass so fucking hard and I’m anxious and I’m depressed and I’m being fucking haunted.

That’s right, I said haunted. Yesterday I had to get out of bed at 6 fucking AM with a panic attack. And it’s just all nightmares. I tried to take an afternoon nap to be happy on my long weekend and catch up on sleep and I woke up in another sweaty nightmare.

Like I have an anxiety disorder. “General Anxiety” I think is the technical term? But I don’t think they mean like “oh she’s generally anxious.” I think they mean we can’t put this in a category of “social anxiety” or anything specific — shes just got a lot of anxiety about fucking everything. And now my GYN is like yeah you have menopausal anxiety. THANKS, LIFE.

Now You’re My Therapist. Be Warned, Shits About to Get Real

So my nightmares have generally been family mess. It’s always family fights. Surprisingly usually set in Florida. So Florida was always our summer vacation. Timeshare. It was moms favorite place and I loved the beach too — but like with my family there’s always gonna be some drama so it’s not like that didn’t just take place in new locations. So yeah, when I was very young and stupid, I looked forward to Florida like crazy. But then it stated just becoming a clusterfuck. And I don’t get why mom loved it so much. I mean maybe she was like yall are a hot mess anyway so we might as well be a hot mess at the beach. But I actually felt horrible the last few years of her life because I felt like I was contributing to the drama. By refusing to just not rock the boat and not let shit go, I’m the bitch. I was the bitch complaing about my sisters so just as bad as them on everyone mental health.

My brother always called me and my sisters “the Golden Girls” — he knew it got under my skin at least like no other. Any fight and “oh they’re the golden girls.” Mother fucker, I’m not the crazy ass one here! I’m just trying to have actual healthy boundaries and not let them get away with their shit! Which let’s start there. I adore my brother. But he’s not blameless. He always lumped me in with my sisters which UGH. And my length of college was a huge running joke in my family — mainly instigated by him. He’d always ask when I was going to finally graduate. There’s a Christmas ornament of a graduate on my dads Christmas tree dated 2009. Did I graduate in 2009? No. They just didn’t have any other personality trait to choose for my ornament. Bro was a nurse, Sister1 was a nurse, Sister2 had a paint set, and I had a graduation outfit. Cause I was in college for 10 years. Not because I’m stupid but because I was trying to get through a lot of shit, okay? Did anyone wanna ask about that? No. It’s funnier not to.

That was part of one of the dreams last night. Like I was getting ready for a party — like a nice dress up party like homecoming or something. But we were in Florida so I only had a few things to choose from and I had gained weight so my best options were too tight. And Sister2 for some reason was supposed to take me or go with me or something (a reoccurring of her always stealing the spotlight in my dreams). I think brother was going to take us because he was mad that we weren’t ready. But I was ready! Sister2 was in the bathtub crying for hours and yelled at me when I went in to get my toothbrush. And in her/moms room there were pills everywhere. Like piles of pills laid out — prescription drug-problem shit. So I show brother and he just gets mad. And why do I want to go to this dance anyway? Because it’s my last year of highschool so I want to go to at least one. But wait, I’m 27 (in the dream) and don’t most people graduate high school at 18? Why am I so late? Did mom hold me back some grades and not tell me? What happened?

Yesterday I was napping and we were in Florida and I had a nice room and Sister2 demanded it and I was super sad because it had windows and views and mine now didn’t. And the windows were open with tons of fresh air and beautiful flowers and scents drifting in… And I go shit all.

And the night before last, we were preparing a party for my nephew. They were making cookies for the party and I really wanted to make some too. But I had to clean so I was vacuuming. And Sister1 was acting like I just didn’t want to make cookies and it was my fault I didn’t get to participate. And then brother was yelling about how dirty everything was. And then I finally went to make a cookie but all the sprinkles were gone — but I was like whatever, I’ll use this icing and then bro got mad and started jerking around the vacuum cleaner cause everythings so filthy and none of us will ever clean anything and he gets the cords all in the icing and it ends up all over the carpet and now we can’t have the party cause I ruined it. And now everyone’s mad at me. Also, I thought Sister1 was teaching nephew how to cook burgers in the kitchen but it was my dad. Which might be my subconscious acknowledging that he’s pretty much a feeble old man now.

Most of the time Florida is over and we have to pack up the cars but Sister2 brought like 3 fucking suitcases and hasn’t packed anything so I gotta do it and clean everything up.

So yeah, are these spooky monster dreams? No. I’m not saying they are. But they are clearly my brain ruminating on something it wants out.

Sister2 was always a problem in Florida. She would always bring way too much clothes that brother and sister1 always bitched about because they took up too much space in the car and on the dolly up to the room and in the room. and Sister2 never went to the beach or wanted to do anything. So they were always mad about that. And as we got older, the problems were worse. She was always a binge eater, so she’d eat all the groceries and everyone would be mad because now there’s no food when we had bought food for the week.

She’s been an alcoholic since I can remember. But can my family just maybe NOT have alcohol? Of course not. So she’d just drink it all and get sloppy drunk and piss herself. She always drunk to get black out drunk. Like that was the goal. And we’d all go down to the beach to enjoy the day and she’d steal money from someone and go across the street to get alcohol to do it again. Once she locked herself in a closet with a 24 pack of beer and there was much screaming and ranting and brother threatening to break down the door. Once she got drunk and left to “go kill herself” — so of course mom was freaking out and we had to go find her. There were quite a few times we had to go find her while she was drunk out of her mind. This was before cellphones. I’m old.

She’s always smoked too. And everyone ALWAYS bitches about it. But it was particularly annoying because she had to inconvenience mom the most. Like in Florida, she wouldn’t go through the living room to get to the balcony to smoke — she had to go into moms room and use that balcony door. And in the house we lost to the second bankruptcy, she couldn’t go through the garage to go outside to smoke, she had to go through moms tiny room which had a sliding door to get out. And even as adults, people bitch about “she’s over there in the corner smoking” or something. When we lived in the apartments, shed toss her cigarettes out the window and the maintenance people got mad and gathered them all up and piled them outside our door in moms flowers. Pretty sure I had to clean that up.

And my brother and sister1 always hated her. So I always had to deal with it. She pissed herself and passed out in the living room? Mom wants me to get her to her room. Then I gotta clean the damn area rug and I’m covered in piss. Once she passed out on the lawn and I had to go get her immediately before the neighbors saw. Why am I always the one taking care of this shit? Cause brother and sister moved out and I’m the youngest. But even in our first house we lost to bankruptcy, I was cleaning her messes. Like she was bulimic. But for some reason she threw up in a 5 gallon bucket in her closet instead of the bathroom. Who the fuck knows why. So do you know how bad a 5 gallon bucket of vomit smells? Real bad. And do you know it’s too heavy for mom to get? Yeah, so I gotta do it. Get it downstairs and across the yard to dump it. Like am I the vomit bucket fairy? It’s like people think trash and recycling just disappears if you leave it long enough. THAT’S BECAUSE I’M THE VOMIT AND PISS FAIRY.

This might be why I’m so anal about my house not smelling bad, BTW.

And brother was always just angry and disgusted with us. We had far too many pets because dad dumped his dogs at our place. So we had like 10 Beagles to breed and train. Oh and who had to go hose the dog shit out of the kennels? Yeah, ME. So much dog shit. Wet stinky dog shit being hosed off concrete. By me. And I never did it enough so I felt bad for the dogs. I was the only one who cared to go pet them.

And the cats just used the dining room as a litter box. Just shit everywhere. And mom worked 4 jobs so the only one ever cleaning anything up was me and I wasn’t good at it or did it enough so of course the house is always filthy and it’s always me getting yelled at for it (not by mom — she was just broken and trying to survive). Cause I’m one of the disgusting worthless golden girls.

You know, I cleaned up a lot of shit and vomit and piss was growing up, now that I think of it.

Anyway, Sister2 was also insane and abusive. I couldn’t sleep cause she’d wake me up by hitting me and yelling and shit. Usually because my TV was on. I liked to fall asleep to QVC and I was allowed to. But no matter how low the volume was, it was too loud for her. And after school she’d be mean and yell and throw shit at me. Like hard core throwing shit at my head. Once I flipped the recliner ducking something. She was like a harpy.

That’s why my dog hated her. He wasn’t a bad dog, he was defensive of me. The only being to ever give a shit about my child self. I slept in moms bed a lot cause I had this intense fear mom would die. And she had a california king bed and I was scared of the dark… and sister2. So the dog would sleep at the end of the bed. And sister2 would walk all the damn way across the house past their bathroom to use moms bathroom in the middle of the night (seriously, WHY WAS SHE ALWAYS HARASSING MOM) — but if me and dog were in there he’d just growl and not let her in the room. He was just protecting me. But she couldn’t do anything when mom was home. But after school she could trick the dog by baiting him and wrapping him in blankets to throw in the closet — only to let him out right before mom got off work so she wouldn’t know.

Bitch be crazy. So dog hated her and attacked her. So dog had to go. Mom says she gave dog away but dad said he tied dog up and drug him out in the woods to shoot him. He told me that after school when I got home and dog wasn’t there. Why are these people so fucking insane?

I mean, I know the answer. Sister2 has been diagnosed with antisocial personality behavioral disorder. I’m sure that’s dads problem too. And dad is for sure a narcissist to rule them all. I didn’t know that when I was little so I idealized him. Everyone else hated dad, but I loved him. When I visited his apartment, he’d buy men CANNED COKE. We were too poor to have that shit — so like awesome. He’d only come over to the house to work in the garage on wood projects — but I’d go down there and watch. His friend would sometimes give me scrap blocks to play with and help me put together little creations I made with the scraps. The friend, not dad.

Those weren’t the only dog problems. We had a newfoundland in fucking Alabama that we just tied up in the backyard when I was really little. She was pretty neglected. I did take care of her food and water, but she was so big and drooly and matted and smelly that I didn’t really like doing it. Not that I was ever mean to the dog — no I petted her, and we played in the backyard together. But I was the only one to take care of her and when she died dad went on a rant about how I was the only one to give a shit about that dog and I felt existentially terrible because I didn’t like taking care of her and knew she was neglected.

Then we got the dog that hated my sister that dad may or may not have killed. I liked that one. But I couldn’t save him or protect him either so I swore to never let down another dog. I couldn’t even get him out of the closet.

We DID try family therapy once. It was a group session with us all in the room. And like yall expect me to talk about my abusers — WHILE THEY’RE IN HERE? Yeah fuck you, I’m fine. I’m great even.

But when I was little, I actually did believe that. I didn’t know I had problems or was unhappy. I didn’t know I lived in an abusive codependent household. In FACT, I was so jealous of the mentally depressed girl and troubled girls at school cause they go so much extra attention. I tried to hide in church and being a bubble Christian. Gotta be crazy to be interesting, I thought. Then like 5 years later I busted and went bat shit insane. So there’s that.

I used to think my sister was haunted by a demon. I’m not sure I don’t still think that. I do know she is highly troubled. I remember once she was crazy drunk and I was trying to get away and go to my room but she was taunting me. I was studying my Bible and she asked me to read the Bible to her. I passed, ’cause hey Satan, not today. And it was just this creepy horror movie taunt about why didn’t I love her enough to read the Bible to her. Now that I’m older – I’m not throwing out the demon thing – but I do know she had multiple abortions. Maybe she was trying to drown that out. She was obsessed with this asshole for years and YEARS — like a decade. Fucking Ryan. But he never loved her back.

It’s pitiable, really. Truly. But does that negate all of my suffering at her hand?

As far as Dad, everyone hated him when I was little, but then it flipped. I had a mental breakdown and realized hey — Dad is a son of a bitch. He’s been trying to ruin moms life for 40 years. So much of our family is insanely fucked up and this motherfucker is why. He sprung a secret ass family on me when my step brother was 16 and moving in the next week. Then yelled at me for not being accepting. Not that I was unaccepting, I was emotionless as I had been trained to be from a very young age. I didn’t say shit. But dad projected that I was angry and was furious.

Oh yeah, after the first bankruptcy, I moved in with dad. See, he had moved back into our house (not as like being with mom, just like — hey I live downstairs now). And we lost the house. So we had to get apartments so we got two two bedrooms and sister2 lived with mom and I lived with dad — because this was before I knew dad was an evil son of a bitch. And that’s when I found out secret step brother was moving in. (Looking back, 30 years later — this is why I wasn’t allowed to keep anything in “MY” room at dads — makes sense, it was really his room). It was a cluster fuck cause I was in high school and people were like wait, you live with your dad? Cause mom was everyone’s beloved teacher (rightfully so) and I came to school with her. And even from my youngest age we always centered holidays around dad. They were at his apartment or his house. No presents could be opened until the video recorder was set up for dad to watch later.

I was just dead inside when I lived with dad. Like emotion-wise. Not ailment wise. The stress was killing me I just didn’t know it. I was on smooth muscle relaxers for the constant stomach cramping pain and vomiting. But I was so broken, I didn’t even think I had problems. Anyway, after a year of that, my brother and his wife were like “Mrs C can’t live with dad anymore” and we got a three bedroom so I could move in with mom and sister2. Yay! More abusive, psychological warfare, and piss!

Then we got the second house we lost to bankruptcy (fun FACT! This is where moms flamingos are from). Then I moved to college. And started getting therapy. And started hating dad. But like, now everyone loves dad or at least sees him as worthy of living in his delusion. So last year when he almost died because he refuses to control his diabetes and got an infected hair on his balls and went septic, I didn’t wanna baby sit. And somehow I’M THE BAD GUY?

So they like disowned me for the year, right? My sisters still haven’t opened the christmas gifts I sent them. They didn’t come to Thanksgiving at my brothers. But Sister1 weirdly stayed here when she was in town and needed a free bed. It was awkward.

I finally talked to SIL the other day — after like 9 months of unreturned calls. I mentioned my banishment and she was like naw, they just don’t communicate. She says she never talks to them either but thats not true cause I have facebook and see photos. I wasn’t invited to the family vacation but they’re playing the “everyone is always invited” card. And my sisters have started commenting on my posts sometimes. Like WTF? Last week there was a post by dads girlfriends that mentioned Sister2s cats were leaving at the end of the year. I was curious but didn’t know what was up. Cause I was disowned and no one talks to me anymore.

Background on Sister2s cats. When we lost the second house, mom moved in with my brother and his wife and Sister2 moved into my brothers old house. She was supposed to pay rent but hardly ever did. Eventually SIL got super self conscious that mom was running her house way better than her so they kicked mom out to live with Sister1. Well, the only way to get Sister2 out of their house was to sell it. So they did and mom convinced Sister1 to take in Sister2 for 4 months. So Sister2s cats went to live with Dads girlfriend. But Dads girlfriend doesn’t even live at her house. She kinda lives between that house and dads. And Sister2s cats don’t get along with her pets so they’ve been confined to a single bedroom for… oh 10 years now. Sister2 never visits them.

Yes, Sister2 has tried to move in with me. No. Yes, Sister2 did try to get me to take her cats for “just a month.” Then they wanted me to take them again after Jack died (hence my keeping Louie a secret at first).

Sister1 is just a completely bitter bitch now. So hateful. BY THE WAY — mom was afraid to move in with my husband and I because she said she’d destroy us like she did with my brother and SIL (getting kicked out) and turning Sister1 into a little dad. So sad. It wasn’t mom, it was that fucking leach.

Sister1 hates Sister2 and is so angry that she’s been stuck with her since mom died. But like, kick that bitch out, I’m not taking her. And there’s resentment from Brother and Sister1 that I lead this great life 90 miles away and they still have to take care of Dad and I refuse to help cause fuck that asshole. I’m polite and cordial. But no, fuck them.

And it’s so weird cause Sister1 has this facebook persona of the sweetest most hilarious person ever. Even my inlaws like her. But she’s not that person. But everyone buys it and adores her. I think husband would buy it if he wasn’t there witnessing her interacting with me. It’s really weird. I like her facebook persona. But she’s a wretched bitch.

My whole family has always had this weird two faced ability to be loved by people. Like I worked at Target for 5 years. Got sister2 a job there and people would be like “OH MY GOD, YOU’RE SISTER2’s SISTER?” Like bitch no, I’ve been here 5 years — she’s my sister. And Dad manages to get affair partners and wives and now a girlfriend. And Sister1 is beloved on social media.

IS IT ME? This might be one of my biggest reasons to absolutely refuse to have two faces. It’s fucking disgusting. But like, am I the problem? Because we could just have a fake holiday with the fake personas but like I cant do it. I hate you. I can’t let it go.

Maybe it me.

Is it me?

Yesterday, I was on a family group chat — the first in almost a YEAR. Sister2 has a new job with business cards (holy fuck, she only ever had a job like twice in her 50ish years). Everyone’s congratulating her (yes, I did too). And Dads girlfriend says she’ll tell her cats. Sister2 replies that she hopes to have an apartment by February. So that’s new.

But this dream haunting was already going on before that. Every night — fights with my sisters, sometimes my brother. Sister2 getting wasted and destroying everyone’s lives. Me getting fucked over so Sister2 can have what she wants. Me being blamed for everything.

The holidays are coming. what the fuck is happening for the holidays? Last year brother hosted Thanksgiving but I was the only family that went. He said hes not doing it again but SIL says they are. I thought about saying I’d do it — but like, that means I have to invite them all and have one of those fake persona parties. And pretend like yall haven’t ignored me for a year. I just want my brother’s family to come.

Works been a shit show too. I got into with my bosses (rightfully so). After one meeting, I was discussing it with two colleagues and my coworker-friend said she didn’t listen cause once me and x start going at it, she tunes out. I was like fuck me — I’m AW. He’s a guy who does no work and talks an ungodly amount. So at every meeting he talks for like 30 minutes and fucking everyone hates him and just doesn’t listen because it makes no sense so we just ignore it until it stops. AM I AW NOW?

AM I THE PROBLEM HERE?

This brings back a lot of childhood trauma. Sister2 is batshit (verified with paperwork) but she doesn’t KNOW she’s batshit cause the crazy. So when I was little I used to cry about it to mom and ask if I was like her. And mom would tell me no, of course not. But I was like — she doesn’t know she’s like her so HOW WOULD I KNOW?

And now I’m having an existential crisis as I type this — HOW WOULD I KNOW?

It could be me. I could just be a human piece of garbage. Maybe I am and I just don’t know it. What the difference between I have therapy and healthy boundaries and I’m just a bitch? I’m the only one who has to go to a psychiatrist to function.

I mean I do hate everybody.

Holy fuck I think it’s me.

Would the world be better without me? Cause I’m gonna be honest — it might be without dad and Sister2. Like I’m sorry I’m being honest. Mom would have been better. Sister1 would be better. I’d not have needed 20+ years of therapy.

Maybe I’m just a despicable fat blob of a toxicity like my uncle in law said. Well, he didn’t say the FAT part — I’m adding that on. I honestly have no idea right now. Wheres the ice cream? I need ice cream.

How do I make the nightmares stop? I can’t even fucking take a nap and pretend I’m dead because they’ll be there.

I’m literally going to cry with ice cream now. This is why I’m fat.

I suck.

Jack’s Offerings (and Mom)

Posted on | by cursingcats.com | Leave a Comment on Jack’s Offerings (and Mom)

So tonight is All Hallows Eve, AKA Halloween. The Eve of All Hallows or All Saints Day in the Christian tradition. A time to celebrate and remember those who have passed and visit their graves.

There’s also the theory that it’s just a Christianized version of the Gaelic festival Samhain. To be fair, the church did realize that people didn’t want to give up their holidays so they made a lot of them Christian holidays; so probably true. Samhain (the end of harvest season) is a transitional festival. It marks the end of the light and the transition to the darker part of the year (when the days are shortest). Therefore, it is believed to be when the veil between this realm and the next is the thinnest. Parties are held with offerings to appease the Fairies who would fuck you up. Disguises to trick them. And places set at the table for past family members to visit.

All Hallows, or All Saints Day is tomorrow. Then All Soul’s Day on Saturday, November 2nd, wraps up the three days of Allhallowtide. There used to be 8 days, according to the Catholic tradition, but in 1955 they were like “fuck that, it’s 3.” Catholics make it up as they go along. However, some faithful still believe you earn plenary indulgences for visiting cemeteries and praying for the dead during the octave of Allhallowtide. And what is an Indulgence? No, not a Reeses pumpkin — according to the Catholic church, an Indulgence is “a way to reduce the amount of punishment one has to undergo for (forgiven) sins.” Totally makes sense.

Sorry, I got distracted. Allhallowtide, and particularly All Soul’s day also coincides with… wait for it… Día de (los) Muertos! AKA the Day of the Dead in English. And how do we celebrate this holiday? Leaving favorite treats, images, and items of our loved ones out in remembrance of them.

So basically, if the dead are gonna visit, it’s now according to multiple cultures.

So you know how some people get the warm and fuzzy feelings that their dead loved ones are with them? Yeah no, I’ve never gotten that. So WE’RE GOING ALL OUT, BITCHES.

That’s right, we have an ofrenda. No, those are not Mexican marigolds (AKA the Flower of the Dead), but I did grow these merigolds myself from seed!

Mom, I got out one of those cute heart plates I used to leave your coffee on. And the very used cutting board you gave me from that Pioneer Woman set. If you visit and know where the yellow measuring cup/dish from that set is, let us know.

I tried to get you one of those amazing apple streusel muffins you loved from Panera, but the lady said they haven’t sold those in years. The world has gone to absolute shit so I’m not surprised. I did, however, get the blueberry streusel and I’m pretty sure you’d like it too.

I grew these marigolds in my pumpkin patch! You’d have loved my pumpkin patch. And I know you are so proud of me. Have you seen my new body? Like the stomach and the boobs? I look good! You’d be amazed. Also, I’m pretty sure you’d love the art of the tattoo I’m still working on. I did the red poppies for you.

And Jack — you sweet sweet adorable biggun — my precious — my fuzzy — my spirit animal — my soulmate — WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? I’m dying here. I miss you much more than is rational. I still cry that you are gone. My snuggle buddy! Oh how I miss you. And your polka dotted belly. I fear I am forgetting you. It sounds stupid, but having a new cat — sometimes I’m afraid I will forget you and how you were. Sometimes I wonder if you were as snuggly and lap cat as I remember and then I look at photos and yep, you were always in my lap. My precious. And I remember when I came home, I’d pick you up at the door and you’d stretch out full length and stretch out your back legs as long as possible and look over at husband and purr like “yeah, she’s mine.” And what I miss the most, your good night wishes. Bedtime is when I miss you the most. You always followed me to bed and waited until I got settled to smash your paws into my breast bone and purr while I petted you and wished you goodnight. Then, when you knew I was settled and not going anywhere, you’d go downstairs and hop on the counter to see what noms were to be had. Oh we heard you, you never fooled us.

Speaking of, not only do you have your favorite banana toy — I made icing JUST FOR YOU. Husband asked why there was cream cheese and butter on the counter and I said it was for you and I’m pretty sure he thinks I’ve lost it. Half cream cheese icing, half butter cream. Your favorite. I already ate some so I know it’s delicious. Yes, I made a little extra for me to have on toast or something. And fuck it, eat the merigolds and pumpkins if you want. You’ve earned it. And the gingerbread house! It’s absolutely covered in icing. Have at it, buddy.

Seriously though, sometimes the only way I can cope with the absence is to think of you and mom sitting together sharing a biscuit or an apple streusel muffin together while you wait on me. We know she shared her breakfast with you every morning and you loved her for that. And I never minded. I thought it was adorable and sweet. Oh how you loved when mom visited. BREAKFAST! Well, here’s yalls muffin. Enjoy.

And Jack, come give me some purrs, please. Just a little snuggle.

If husband had an ask, he’d probably ask you to tell Louie to stop biting him so much. It’s kinda hilarious, but I know it hurts too cause teeth are sharp. *sigh* Louie can never replace you. Yall are nothing alike. Maybe that’s good. I don’t know.

May the scent of the merigolds and the love from my heart bring you home for just a little bit. I miss you.

Oh! One more thing! Mom, YOUR COFFEE! How can you an Jack have breakfast without coffee!? I’ve got pumpkin spice coffee too! I’ll make you a cup right now before I head off to bed. Dang, I might have to dig out the Keurig. It’s cool, it’s yalls ofrenda.

Sweet dreams and Happy Halloween. I love you.

Mom, take care of Jack for me.

UPDATE: I did add mom’s coffee after I posted this:

A St Patty’s Day Miracle!

Posted on | by cursingcats.com | Leave a Comment on A St Patty’s Day Miracle!

So I found myself looking for four-leaf clovers today. I needed to wait outside, and I like to find them. Plus, Saint Patrick’s Day! I did well. Once I found five, I was like well, fuck, I gotta make it seven for the holiday. So I scoured. Number seven was elusive. I had left number one on the steps and was sure it would have blown away before I got the seventh.

I was in my PJs in the front yard on a main road. So I wasn’t comfortable leaving my yard to be the crazy lady on the side of a four-lane main road in her pajamas looking creepily at the ground. I mean, my own yard is enough already. I’m still the insanely weird lady — but like, on a leash. “She’s keeping to her own yard” – ya know? Even though there are MASSIVE patches of huge clovers over there. So like, my hunting area was limited.

I was thinking to myself how I can only do this because I’m really good at patterns. I think others could if they cared to. It’s like those picture puzzles online with a ton of 8’s or something and you have to find the 9. People love those, but they don’t apply it to real life. Don’t look at the clover patch as plants. They’re all equilateral triangles. They’re all perfect 120 angles between the leaves. Just a bunch of triangles. Now find the square. It’s quite simple. I’ve spotted them from the second story of a building before, no lie. Find the 90 degree angles. With practice, they stand out as abominations.

I’m quite good with patterns. I’ve always been focused on pinning the repeats in wall paper, fabrics, carpets. How small is the repeat. It’s quite elegant how some of them work the repeats. Very interesting to break it down to the square they are repeating. You have to break images across the square to hide it well. I’ve never created my own patterns, so there’s still a bit of mystery in how they do it. Anyway, it interests me. And after a few decades of practice, you get very good. Hence my magic power of four-leaf clover spotting.

I was about to give up with my six clovers. I was thinking how I could never find any of the more elusive clovers. The fives, the sixes, the seven leaves — they wouldn’t be as obvious in the way I find them. No squares, no 90 degree angles. And then…

There she was. My seventh. With five leaves.

Amazing. In my 41 years I’ve never found one above four. Ever. And I look. This one met my pattern — it looks like a four leaf from the top — but there’s a little baby runt leaf sticking straight out of the top. I had husband come look immediately. How special! I took a video to capture it. These are actually stills from the video.

You know, it was a bit sentimental. I haven’t done a lot since mom died. I mean, I’ve done a TON – but there are things I didn’t care to do. I used to decorate for EVERY holiday — I haven’t decorated for Easter in 4 years. Back in 2020, I actually bought a very cute leather journal to keep my four leaf clovers in. I put Jack’s foot print in it. I kept my clovers in it. There’s butterfly wings. There’s even one clover that mom found after searching with me. I made her sign it. I didn’t stop right after her death. There are clovers from 2021. But nothing from 2022 or 2023. Well, I had found a few and stuck them in my little tiny notepad to dry, but I hadn’t bothered to mark the dates or put them in the leather bound journal. It wasn’t fun anymore. My happy book wasn’t happy anymore.

This year I went out and found four a week or two ago. That’s when I noticed the lack of two years in my leather book. I put the clovers I had pressed in, but obviously I could not date them. I think what caused the resurgence was Louie’s one year adopt-aversary coming up. It’s time to add his foot print. It made me think of the leather bound journal. It inspired me to go find some clovers. And today I had thought about it but wasn’t going to. But then K needed to pick up something she’d loaned me. So I was out in the yard waiting as to give it back quickly. No need for them to have to come in and get it — they did loan it to me back in October and I hadn’t returned it yet. So I decided — why not — I’ll look while I’m waiting. Then I got to the must-find-seven.

And I did. But there’s more than JUST the five leaf. I needed a new book to press them. I’ve been using a tiny 3-inch composition notebook I got for free at some convention or training or something. The pages are too marked with dates and wrinkly now. They did a horrible job of pressing the four I found earlier this month. So I thought of a journal. I’ve had it for almost 4 years. I’ve kept it as it was sentimental, but never had a use for it. I knew it was a gift from my aunt-in-law. But I’d forgotten the circumstances. Just that it was thoughtful of her to buy it for me because it’s Star Trek and she knows I like Star Trek. Well, it’s hard backed and I needed a journal to press clovers so I grabbed it.

The card she included was tucked inside. Ahhh. It was a gift from when mom died. She had been thinking about me and saw this journal and thought I could use it. That’s why I’d kept it. It was so sweet and thoughtful of her to buy it and mail it. She wanted me to know I was in her thoughts. The time wasn’t right to use it when I got it. But now the time is right. I think of moms clover when I hunt now. She was so proud to find one. And today I was so proud to find my first five-leaf.

There’s a warmth there. A time to move on a little bit more. Kinda like a sign, if you believe in those things as I do. Louie has been helping to heal my heart of my loss of Jack. And now he’s brought back my clovers and a sweet memory of my mom. And the cherry on the cake is the journal given to me to try to ease my grief a bit making a simultaneous appearance.

Maybe it’s God. Maybe it’s mom being impressed with my overwintering of last summers plants, rescuing plants I normally would have let die to nurse them back to health, and now seeding my own plants for this summer.

I’m stepping into my destiny. Not some awesome destiny where I get a sword and a birth right. Just a tedious one where I stop letting plants die every year only to replace them. One where I nurture the sick plants back to health. One that has me out in my yard in my PJs looking for plants. Maybe one were I grow my own Halloween pumpkins.

I’d kinda rather have a sword.