Codependents Anonymous

I’m going to attended a virtual (zoom) CODA meeting tonight.  That’s Codependents Anonymous.  So this started as me wanting to help a friend attend CODA.  You know, I’d be her support on the way to her support group (Opus and Bill reference, anyone?  Anyone? Eh?).  However, it has turned into, no, Mrs C needs some CODA herself.  I went codependent triangle on Mr C last week and I didn’t even realize that’s what it was.  R > V > P.  Rescuer > Victim > Persecutor > and round and round we go. 

I decided he needed a new bathing suit (because he does).  So I bought him one (which looked better than his) – so yay, I’m a “rescuer.”  Note he never ASKED for a bathing suit nor did he want one ‘cause Mr C is cheap.  I have rescued him and saved him from himself by buying it for him.  Yay me!  But Mr C doesn’t want bathing suit.  Bathing suit is waste of money and he doesn’t even like it.  He’ll never wear it.  Why’s he being an asshole about this? Oh look, I’m the “victim” now.  I bought you a gift, you fucker – and it looks better than your old one, why won’t you just LISTEN TO ME? And now I’m the “persecutor.”  This is how we codependents live our lives.  It’s messed up.  How is it a triangle, you ask?  Well I’m pretty sure later I took him a peace offering of food because I felt like we had a big fight (we didn’t) so back to “rescuer,” baby!  Then, if I was still a codependent mess, I’d have gotten mad that he never does such things for me “victim” and be salty about it “persecutor” – it’s called mental illness, yall. 

I’m sorry, Mr C.  I still think you need a new suit FWIW.  However, there was no winning that situation ‘cause my crazy was already rearing its head.  There was no way for you to politely decline the bathing suit.  I’m sorry.   That was my bad 100%. I realize where I was wrong and that it’s my fault.

Also, I’m trying to forge new relationships with my family since mom died.  She kept us all connected.  Now I have to keep myself connected, because I’m the one who lives out of town.  So I have to make these connections that weren’t there.  I have to call them.  I have to make small talk.  I have to be involved.  And my family is a bunch of codependent crazies (except for my brother).  Like it’s a freaking field of land mines down there.  It’s a clusterfuck.  So I could use a little psychological support to form healthy relationships with good boundaries.  It’s good timing. 

But what if it’s just my codependency that’s making me want to help her?  I thought/think it’s a God thing.  I had written this friend out of my life.  She’s a taker.  But then Mr C had reason to have her drop by.  All the sudden she’s talking about therapy.  So later I feel like I should reach out via text and tell her about the wonder of support groups and how happy I am for her that she’s seeking help.  Now we’re going to CODA together tonight.  Did God make this happen or did my need to rescue people make this happen?  Is that just my self doubt trying to sabotage a God thing?  HOLY SHIT it’s a whole mind fuck. 

Anyway, so that’s happening.