Making progress on my epic Halloween diamond painting. Five of the 8 panels are complete!
I’m taking a short break to swap to my small diamond painting for Drills and Chills. It’s a Halloween event where you can win prizes! This painting wouldn’t count because you couldn’t start until September. So I’m doing this small one from Michael’s:
You might think I’ll never finish both before Halloween, but I have some time off coming up. Possibly. Very likely.
I might have found a job! It will be as a contract to the government. I’ll be doing hardware configuration management in aviation. It’s working for a temporary boss I had.
The benefits aren’t as good, but they’re better than unemployment! And I love my boss. She won’t be my boss boss cause I’ll be a contractor again. But my boss only cares that I make her happy, so SCORE.
Problem is less PTO and not fronting me ANY. So starting late October with 0 PTO. Awesome.
HOWEVER, it is just in time for me to leave my job with a payout incentive to quit. Right in the nick of time! I have to choose by Tuesday. They wanted to try to get me the offer Friday, but it didn’t come so hopefully tomorrow.
This week, my pool will be closed. It’s been too cold to swim in for like a month. Sad times. However, that means — TATTOO SEASON. I don’t work on my tattoo in the summer because I’m not gonna not swim for weeks. And last year, I was still building my savings back up after building the deck. But this year — it’s ON!
Side note — yes, we are having severe job issues at the moment. HOWEVER, I have saved over double my savings goal and Devon books month in advance and I’m finishing my tattoo, dammit. In fact, If I save another 2k, I’m getting a new phone. But uh yeah — if you know anyone hiring configuration managers — please hit me up. I need health insurance. Now with that depressing bit out of the way…
So I knew what I wanted. Kinda. So with the leaves and stuff, it’s already kinda busy. I feel like my pumpkins are already totally lost in the detail. So we either need to switch color palettes or style or something. But it still needs to look cohesive. So I’ve been racking my brain for months over what to do. Well, I love geometric tattoos but that won’t mesh. I love statues tattoos and she’s already highlighted Jack with some teals — we could get some marble statue look in there. Marble statue… WEEPING ANGELS!
OK, I’m 100% serious that I loved creepy-ass distraught angels in graveyards way before Doctor Who. Back in the day, when I wanted to be buried in a cemetery, I wanted some angel just dramatically thrown over my gravestone a ‘la this Italian one:
Angel of Grief
I mean look at that drama! That’s full on Disney Princess angst. I want someone to be that sad I died. But then I grew up and realized that after a single generation, no one will remember me. So like don’t stick me in a depressing grave no one will visit. Fuck that. Bury me and Jack in the woods with pretty Fall foliage and if we can spring for it — creepy angel statue in the woods on top of me.
But we all know about the Weeping Angels. When Doctor Who was AWESOME AS FUCK. And listen, Eccleston was my first Doctor, but he sucks. Don’t agree? Fight me. Has he even come back for a single cameo or special like EVERY OTHER DOCTOR? Nope. Asshole. Then we got DAVID FUCKING TENNANT! The best Doctor of the modern era! I fucking love David Tennant. I would only love him more if he had done it in his real Scottish accent — *swoon*
Anyway, David Tennant was busy so they had to do a very Doctor-lite episode one-off and the Weeping Angels were created in the episode “Blink.” And they were amazing and terrifying. They should have probably died there because the more they bring them back the more it fucks them up — cause like, you can’t really think about them too hard — but they’re fucking awesome. So combine that with the love I already had for them and YES.
So what if we did a Weeping Angel!? Well, that has to go on the back cause I cant be scaring myself in the mirror. Front? Rose window. Play up the stone work between the glass panels. I fucking love stained glass, so that’s a no brainer. Here’s a quick and dirty “like this:”
No notes. So onto the angel. Like should it just be half the face? Cause you can’t fit a whole statue back there. I had husband take these pictures of me posing so beautifully so I could play with stuff in Photoshop. I talked to lots of people. One of my old coworkers (who I occasionally see at my current job) lent me an ear. He didn’t like just the face idea. He thought it needed more of a transition from my current work so maybe a bare tree limb in front of a full angel statue. But that’s like too small? So I emailed Devon. Devon Grieg, the amazing tattoo artist know as theswiftstorm who has done everything I have. Cause this tattoo session is coming up fast.
She didn’t have any clue what I was talking about in my email. So she scheduled a video call consultation. Cause she rocks. And I’m an overachiever, so I made a whole google album of reference pictures and pictures of my tattoo from all angles (thank you, husband) and some mock-ups of the positioning I was talking about.
So during our video call, she mocked up this:
Obviously, her hands will be covering her eyes cause she’s a Weeping Angel, but this was just a great reference image she found while we were chatting. She was 100% in agreement with old coworker that a bare branch would be the perfect transition to her. And we could fill out around the bottom with leaves like the rest of my arm — but not as sharp and detailed.
She’s an artist who does this shit so I’m so glad I called her in before I went down the panic rabbit hole and just asked her what she thought. She didn’t like coworkers full statue — but she didn’t like mine really either. I gotta say — the composition she’s come up with in like 10 minutes of a video call is AMAZING. I didn’t think of the angled face and I fucking love it. It’s going to be fucking AMAZING. I already said that. But it is.
I’m also super pleased that she is excited about this direction. Originally, there was some miscommunication about me wanting it to be a full sleeve wrap look (it wont actually wrap around, but it will look like it does — there will just be some skin under my arm not tatted). So she never designed it to be full wrap. But that’s what I always wanted. Plus, Jack is centered on my arm — but the back of my arm is so much fatter than the front of my arm so I just need more back there. Like I always wanted a full on covered arm. That’s why I did the shoulder joint — because if you had like a prosthetic arm, it would encompass the shoulder joint. And I wanted my arm to look fully different from the rest of my body. So I was hesitant of what she would think.
But she loves it. Since it’s a memorial tattoo with my precious Jack, she loves the graveyard imagery. Which, it does work. I just like stained glass and Weeping Angels — but having it be a cohesive art piece is also important. Even more important is that my artist is psyched about it so she’ll do amazing work.
The lower part of the arm won’t wrap and will taper down. We’ll free hand some ideas with sharpie in person. I’m thinking kinda mirror the top — the flowers at the elbow and the vines like my back tapering down towards my wrist.
This week, my dumbass job decided that sending me to offsite Agile (the work process) training (which I’ve had three times already) was more valuable than me doing work. It sucked cause I had to get up an hour earlier than usual all week. Then I saw this on Thursday:
You done fucked up A-aron!
NOT. COOL. This is wrong on so so many levels.
First and foremost, one of the rolls is backwards.
Second, there is no consistency here. They are not facing the same way. This is the kind of quality of work you do? Be wrong or right, but be consistent.
Third, the roll placed the correct way will run out first. Because, see, people use that roll more. Because it’s the right way to put the toilet paper. So people who know the correct way it is supposed to be installed (hung? placed?) will be punished and forced to use the cursed roll.
With people hopping on trends and “overconsumption,” a new trendy video is “decluttering” or “Things You Don’t Need to Buy.” I watch these. It’s how I found out about the Stanley thing and now the Weck jars. I just watched one and realized, I have some really stupid, insanely frivolous purchases that make me stupid happy.
Bat Straw Cap
Preface: I never wanted to become the basic bitch with the dramatically overpriced cups. But I did. I hate it. There’s a reason basic people love some shit. I’m so goddamn basic. Give me all the pumpkin spice! But the $40 cup thing is a bit shameful. But I also love my fucking Swigs. Fuck my sister in law for gifting me one (then 2 — especially the cheerleader one cause damn, that’s just NOT ME but it hold 40ozs). Then I bought 3 more. I KNOW! They’re so fucking fabulous. But I try to not take them out of the house due to shame.
The thing I love: So with the Stanley crazy came straw toppers. Now that’s some cute shit. I think I saw a buzzfeed or some list of shit you need (I get a lot of gift ideas from those) that had a fucking ADORABLE ghost walking a ghost dog. It was from a 3D printer on Etsy but they only made them for Stanley’s. I even contacted them to ask if they could make me one to glue to my Swig and they wouldn’t. So the ghost was on the cup lid and his little ghost dog was the straw topper! So fucking cute.
Well, I couldn’t have that one, but I could still have a cute topper, I guess. I know, I was just wasting money at this point. So ghosts led me to Halloween. Then I was gonna get this ghost topper and a bat topper. And you could add an initial! So basic! Then, at the last minute I went double bat cause I’m more of a bat person. Why did I get two? Cause I was already committed to the ghost and the bat and had two in my cart. See how I waste money sometimes?
Turns out, excellent purchase. I fucking love these bats. It’s been about a year and I have used them all year round. ESPECIALLY on that cheerleader Swig. Jesus, it needs the bat.
I fucking love them. And since I have two, I toss them in the dishwasher with the Swig and get a new one when I switch swigs (about once a week — I just drink water at home with them). I never even use them to cover my cap, yall. I just fucking love the bat hanging there upside down on my cup. It’s basically a cup decoration on my shameful $40 cups. AND HE’S ADORABLE.
No regret. (No regret on this Swig cup pattern either, as an aside.) I tried to find the Etsy link but it’s no longer there. I paid $18 for two a year ago.
Bat Straw Cap
Gregory
Gregory is a yard statue. He wasn’t quite an impulse purchase, but I did feel really guilty spending so much on him. At the beginning of this summer, I was searching everywhere for a birdbath I liked. I had been watching market place all winter — I was going places and looking at them trying to find something I liked. That took me to the stone section of Cat Bird Seat (my favorite plant nursery). I saw Gregory. I wanted Gregory and I said NO. I will not. I’m shopping for bird baths, not statues.
Then when I found a bird bath I loved for half the price of used ones on market place, I was so thrilled with my savings that I went back to grab Gregory. And he wasn’t where he thought he had been! That’s when my heart sank in my stomach and I realized I had really wanted the fucking gargoyle. But I was wrong about where he had been and I found him!
He’s not unique. He’s not mass produced, but pretty easy to find online. He’s a stone cast so he’s like 40 or 60lbs (I forget which). After I bought him and researched him, turns out I got a great deal. A lady at the store told me he was a replica of one on Notre-Dame. He’s not. He’s just an art piece. But he’s twice as much online! AND I FUCKING LOVE HIM.
He was going to go outside. But I wanted to enjoy him a bit more first. So I put him by the fireplace. And fuck it, he lives there now. I spend most of my time in here so I get to see him all the time. I love himb. I think I love that 1) He’s a fucking gargoyle. I need more gargoyles in my life and especially my house. 2) He’s not a mean gargoyle. He just looks bored? Perturbed? 3) He looks that that super cheesy cherub painting that was huge in the 90s but he’s a fucking gargoyle with bat wings.
You will pry Gregory from my fireplace over my cold dead hands.
Gregory
Sir Bastian
You all know Sir Bastian. No notes. He’s fucking fabulous. One day, I will find his mate that I still regret not buying. He holds a sword.
Oh! And after having the automatic candles in the windows at Christmas the past two years, I had an idea! See, I have 2 extra candles that I put in the basket that Sir Bastian holds (he gets seasonal decorations sometimes. At Christmas, his flail rests in a basket filled with ornaments and candles). So last year I realized — Sir Bastian is hollow. WHY HAVEN’T I PUT A CANDLE IN HIS HEAD FOR HALLOWEEN? How fucking creepy would that be!? So that’s happening this year.
Sir Bastian
Honorable Mention From 20 Years Ago:
I saw this when I moved it to take the bat straw cap picture. And I realized — it’s one. I’ve had this since my very first apartment. So around 20 years. I remember it came from Kirklands. There was a set of these for a kitchen. I’m pretty sure there was a “coffee” and I forget what else. I had no interest in the set. Just toast. I don’t know what humors me about a framed picture that says “toast” but it still humors me 20 years later. It think it might be partially because without the companions, it’s just kinda funny to me. I like the typeface. It’s really nicely framed. It seems somewhat Irreverent. I wouldn’t say I LOVE it, but I’ve had it in every kitchen for all these years because something about it tickles me.
Toast. Circa 2007?
Conclusion
So yeah, don’t buy shit just because it’s trendy. But maybe spend the extra bucks when you really want something. Was Gregory worth $100? In hindsight — fuck yes, he was. I fucking love him. Same with Sir Bastian. Be you. Buy shit that makes you happy even if you “know” it’s a waste of money. Be weird.
Are you telling me that the new trendy drinking vessel (AKA Stanley) is weck canning jars?
Bitch, if I handed you a jar to drink out of two months ago, you’d have snubbed me! WTF? JARS? You got plenty of jars. Or just mugs. Like remember mugs? But I guess mugs aren’t clear. But you got jars. You got marinara jars, pickle jars, salsa jars. Look here’s me seasoning my compost with a salsa jar just yesterday:
I threw that jar away because I’ve got a whole box of glass to recycle already cause there isn’t a glass recycling that’s convenient to me.
This is the SOUTH. We’ve been drinking out of jars our whole lives. We grew up with the OG of drink jars: Bama Jelly jars. That’s right. These bitches:
They came with Jelly in them in the 80s and then they became glasses. You know how many of these we had growing up? My momma’s whole fucking kitchen was goose themed and these jars are my childhood. The kitchen also had a yellow linoleum floor. Because it was the 80s.
Yall are insane. INSANE. People can’t even get their hands on fucking jars right now because they’re a trend.
Some peoples whole drinking glass collections are just jars and you’d have treated them like white trash last month. Go to the thrift store! Go to the grocery store and get a jar with something good in it and then rinse it out.
Also. Labubu’s are fucking ugly. Why does it look like it’s about to wield a knife?
Hi! I just need to.. get this out of my chest. I’ve been passing for a very bad time of my life this year. I had no job since December. I had two painful losses and… idk my mind was in a very dark place plus I was depending completely on my stash because without a job I cannot make any purchases. So… this beauty… “Princess and the pea kitty” is out of stock. I am from Mexico so I’m not able to buy it in the destash group. So… it was on Amazon and every day I was pending on the stock. Today I finally receive my first paycheck since I got a job last week and with my card ready to buy it… I entered to Amazon site and… sold out. Nothing… I’m so sad. I cried like a baby I swear. Idk why I wanted it so bad and idk why I felt it like the biggest disappointment but trust me… I’m heart broken.
I sent an email to DAC just to know if maybe by any chance they had 1 left but…
So Diamond Art Club kits are huge and like over $75. But they have some small ones on Amazon. This one was like $25 at full price. I know because it’s the only square drill one Amazon had (their website only sells big ones) and I wanted to practice with the squares before I start my behemoth one. But I didn’t like the style.
The point is, this is a luxury that is not needed, 100%. But it’s an affordable one. She wasn’t aiming for a $100 kit.
So let’s start with spoiler: Like 5 people offered to get it to her (Amazon just had Prime Day deals on these kits, hence it being gone now. So a lot of people probably just bought it cause it was super cheap). So in the end, she’s getting it. She’s very happy. The art community was like fuck me, we got a get her that cat picture. FIND THE CAT PICTURE.
Except for one person.
One comment didn’t understand what the big deal is.
So my question is: are you stupid, have no empathy, or really that blessed?
Listen, I’ve been upside down a few times in life. Like multiple. I’ve been negative money many many times. I got laid off back in 2010 and weren’t no job to be had. So if you’ve never been in this situation, I want to tell you this.
Sometimes you focus on one little thing. Nothing big. You wouldn’t dare hope for something unachievable because your heart can’t handle it if you don’t get there. Maybe you’re gonna eat out with your first paycheck. Maybe you’re gonna get the good milk. Just something that is your focus. And when you get real sad you think about how you’re totally gonna get the good milk soon. That thought gets you through. It’s stupid and little, but it’s also the world.
So for 7 months this girl has been saying, I’m getting that cat picture. And fucking Prime Day puts it on sale the weekend before her first paycheck and now it’s gone forever. And she’s distraught and crying because that was her THING. And now she’ll never have the thing! But she went through so much for the thing!
How can you NOT empathize with that? Fuck me, I’ll pay the shipping.
Like is this an internet troll or what? Literally everyone else in the comments is trying to find a copy and offering to help pay to get it to her. And one dumbass doesn’t understand.
I’ve been numbing out my life stress with Diamond Painting. Have you heard of this? Diamond Panting? I kept seeing Diamond Paintings in Amazon Vine. On amazon they can them “5D” which is just so cringe. I don’t know what the hell dimensions they think the 4th and 5th are, but it bothers me. Not my point.
It’s Paint-By-Numbers meets Bedazzling. So no actual artistic skill required. Like less skill than paint by numbers because you have to stay in the lines on that. You’re just sticking the bling on the spots with the numbers. I felt kinda bad about the whole no-skill required thing. Like I’m too good for that, because apparently, I’m an artistic craft snob. But yall, I get why it’s taken off. It’s so fucking zen and satisfying. It’s like when “zen tangles” took off.
Is that two words? “zen tangles?” Or is it like “zentangles?” “zen-tangles?” You remember – when everyone was doing those line patterns we all did back in school on the sides of our notebook pages? But it became like a legit adult art form? Anyway, that didn’t last long. Moving on.
So from what I can tell, Diamond Painting started getting really big around COVID because in lockdown people needed shit to do. We needed tedious shit that was going to take days of work. So it became a thing. Now chinese drop-shippers are on that shit. So that’s how it entered my sphere. So fuck it, I ordered one. Well, I ordered a set of six plant designs. I knew they’d be shit quality but I figured I could use three or four for my office. I say office, but yall know I work in a cubicle so don’t think I’m fancy.
After over a month of waiting, one arrived. Yeah, just one. They changed the listing from the set of six to a single one. And I still have to pay taxes on these Vine items so it was listed at $20 — So I’ll pay like $7 and this piece of shit is NOT WORTH $7. I gave it a 2 star review. Really, that was generous. I gave it an extra star because it had an “AB” diamond. I’m getting ahead of myself.
I had this canvas and like that’s a fuck ton of bedazzling. I was very intimidated. Combine this with the fact that the “tools” kit arrive broken and was absolute SHIT, I couldn’t start here. I know from everything in life that quality is better. This is really true for any art form as well. Talk to a master of any art – seriously like blacksmithing, glass bowling, stained glass, wood working — whatever skill. They will tell you — those expensive tools are nice, but they’re better for the beginners who can’t afford them. If you’re good, you can do your skill with shit tools. They wish they had the good tools when they started because life would be so much easier. So I wanted to get started on a good foot. Something quality.
From youtube videos, I found that they all worship this company called “Diamond Art Club.” Well, lucky for me, Diamond Art Club sells shit on Amazon. So I ordered up a set of non-intimidating coasters. I also ordered some dirt cheap accessory kits. This was an excellent plan. If you want to get started in Diamond Painting, I recommend these things:
Diamond Art Club Coasters (this link is to their website, but they’re cheaper on Amazon in price and shipping — but the section won’t be as great). They’re like $15 on Amazon.
This kit of supplies from Art Dot. It’s got a comfortable pen, diamond trays I like better that then fancy Diamond Art Club ones and a GAZILLION times better than the shit green “boats” that you get with cheap kits (which was broken in mine anyway). It’s also got release papers for when you advance to canvases — must have. It’s got DAC color code label stickers for storage. We got a good roller to smush those diamonds down, a straightener to make it look like you don’t suck, and sealer for a finished project. Yeah — all that under $15. BUY IT.
So then I made this:
IT’S SO SHINY! Not intimidating either. I did this in two evenings, but I’ve done others in a single evening after work. I love that they’re on wood so I can sit on the couch and do them. They even come with cork bottoms. And the Diamond Art Club kits comes with really nice tool kits. A nice pen, better wax, and a nice tray. I still prefer the fat Art Dot pen from that kit I linked though. Also those trays. So soon I did all the coasters in the kit:
I told my Sister-In-Law about this new Diamond Painting thing I was doing. Turns out, my brother gave her a painting for Christmas! She’s been working on it but its very tedious and she wasn’t enjoying it much. So I sent her all the shit to do the coasters. The coasters, the kit, plus extra trays. (Note — that coaster kit comes with great tools so you don’t need the additional tools kit or anything else. The extra tools kit is if you plan to do more stuff like canvases). You can buy 15 Art Dot trays super cheap ($7) but I don’t think you need that many anymore so I’m not going to bother suggesting them. Anyway, all of that sent to her via Amazon was $36. So excellent gift idea there. She did her set of coasters faster than I did! She had one done the night she got the package. They’re very satisfying, yall. Like do it.
At this point I’ve started diamond painting to drown out the family and work stress. So I was ready to conquer the shitty plant canvas. I paid for it, I was going to do it. Here you can see what I’m talking about by Paint-By-Numbers. There are symbols (in this particular canvas numbers) that have a key to tell you which gem color goes there. The canvas is covered in glue. You stick the diamond/gem/drill on the dot. They call them “drills” in Diamond Painting. I don’t know why, they just do.
So it took a long time but I go that canvas done. I used the release papers to section it off. So I think they best method for conquering the canvases is a section at a time. The newer canvases even come with covers that are perforated for you to tear off just a square at a time. So to use the release papers, you just remove the cover all together. Then you place the release papers on small sections so that you can remove just one paper to work on that section. I split this canvas into 12 sections. Some nights I did 2 sections.
This was a BIG learning experience. It was a super cheap kit. So it arrive folded. Yeah. Even after I put the drills on it, there was still a big fold across it. So I knew I’d need to mount it to a canvas board. I had also watched a lot of youtube videos and had too much information for my experience level. I had seen a tip about covering any gaps in the canvas with mica powder. Your girl is a craft queen, I have that! Also, the background had so much white and there was pink wax stuck in there. I wanted to clean it up before the mica powder. I had seen a tip to clean your trays with hand sanitizer because it works amazing at getting any wax out. So I dumped hand sanitizer on it and used a tooth brush. TERRIBLE idea. I don’t know if it’s because these drills were so cheap, but I think I took the shine off.
I pushed forward with the mica powder anyway — we’re in it now. White all over the background. Then I went too far — green on the leaves. Fuck. The green took away the darker colors on the canvas that had shown through and now it looked lighter. So I got black to darken up the dark edges of the leaves. Then FUCK ME, some dripped in the white. God, what a cluterfuck. OK, no way in hell that dark smudge is going anywhere now. So I gotta embrace a color. What would work for the background… purple. The smudge was at the bottom so I started there. I wasn’t loving it. So I decided to just do the bottom. Then I had ruined it like 3 times and should have never fucked with this shit so I sealed it and mounted on the canvas and declared it done. TA-DA!
It looks good in my office anyway.
Then I moved on to a big girl canvas! The leaves had 9 colors. This one had 33!
Look at how fucking beautiful that is! And it’s the good brand, not a chinese drop ship and it really does make a difference. This kit had special drills too! AB means aurora borealis. They have an iridescent coating on top. Also Fairy Dust which have a very fine glitter on top. This one deserve beauty shots:
Here you can see what I mean by working a section at a time. See how I was working a rectangle and doing each color just in that rectangle:
By this time I had discovered Facebook “destash” groups. Even though the big Diamond Art Club canvases are super expensive – they play on FOMO and some people just buy a hundred. So I had seen a kit I loved but was out of stock. I put up and ISO (in seek of) post. Someone offered it to me at cheaper than cost with shipping included. Fuck yeah bitches.
Now this canvas is 40 inches. So a lot. I’m cutting it into 8 smaller sections. Apparently this is sacrilegious. But it also has some people curious. So I might finally dive into youtube craft videos and do a video of how I do it. It’s on the maybe back burner.
I know this will be a huge undertaking and if I try to just power through it, it won’t happen. So I picked up some stuff to do in between sections of the big kit. I got another set of coasters. I ordered some “Mini Dazzles” (link goes to the website, but again they can be purchased on Amazon). I got the 80’s set and already made this cute cassette tape:
I also picked up the most ADORABLE Otter from the good site and a chinese drop ship polar bear. The polar bear has sunglasses and lots of neon colors so it just looks like it would be a fun one to do.
So if you haven’t heard from me in a few weeks, I’ve been under a lot of stress and self-medicating by sticking dots to canvases so I won’t think about what a fucking clusterfuck everything is. The world, my job, my family. It’s all going to HELL. So shiny dots it is.
Listen, the economy is in the shitter, so I’ve started ordering a bunch of groceries through Walmart. Specifically, Walmart Plus AKA Walmart+.
When I do grocery delivery, I’ve been pretty happy. The drivers are always nice — they like their jobs. If something is missing, it’s super easy to hop online and get a refund. Then I got to Publix to get my meats and whatever Walmart didn’t have. The only extra cost is the tip to the driver. They also do free shipping.
Well, I did a huge order this weekend. But I split it in two. Stuff I needed for Monday and perishables, I got deliverered from store. Everything else I did shipping. That way it wouldn’t be a massive total to tip on and I didn’t care if the other stuff sat on the porch.
So for shipping, I ordered:
Four big bags of prepopped popcorn (don’t judge, husband doesn’t like the fresh made as much).
Five bags of keto chips (four smaller bags per bag).
Four boxes of keto poptarts.
A bargained size box of garbage bags.
Six bags of keto cereal.
FOUR CASES OF CANNED DRINKS.
Now, I assumed all of this would come from a local store. Usually, they just have their drivers drop off “shipping” deliveries that are just in grocery bags. I have ordered the case of drinks before and it did ship FedEx (in this same clusterfuck fashion) with some other stuff, but I thought it was because my store didn’t have that flavor.
So I get a notice that it will come in two shipments Monday and Tuesday or I could pick one shipment on Wednesday. Fuck you, being my shit quicker. They didn’t get that memo because Monday, I get a notification that it has shipped via FedEx from TEXAS. States away. It will be here Wednesday. I didn’t think more of it though because I didn’t have anything I’d run out of before then so whatever.
Today, Wednesday, I get my delivery. An enormous box that is already torn open with all my shit just thrown in it. It’s torn open because nothing is actually holding any of this shit in place — it’s just a bunch of shit thrown in a box and shipped.
So I dragged the box in because it was huge and heavy and here it is:
I haven’t touched anything in that box for this photo. That’s how I got it. Cases of cans with no padding except for my other groceries. Hell, look — even the case of cans have come open and spilled cans out. Crushed boxes, crushed chips, and one popcorn even just gave up the ghost and exploded to fill the air with a lovely toasty scent and get all over my floor. There’s six bags of expensive ass cereal in there too — under on of those cases of drinks. And this is over $200 of groceries in here. All just in this one big giant box.
Even if you wanted to ship it out in one absurd box, couldn’t you package the crushables in a box and the drinks in a box and put those side by side in here? Even the damn drink boxes are banged up by each other.
Hang on, are you getting the scale of this box? Like boxes this big aren’t for shipping individual things. They’re for appliances. Or bodies.
See? That’s my fat ass IN THIS BOX. And I can’t even do anything about it. Because it shipped, if I want to do any returns they have to be SHIPPED VIA FEDEX back. Yeah, usually when you need to return something, Walmart+ drivers just come pick it up. Cause they delivered it. I fucking love that. BUT NOT IN THIS CLUSTER FUCK.
Also, like I said — this isn’t a one off. I had a case of cans mixed with a bunch of groceries once before — they just weren’t quite as crushable as these. Nor was the order as large. So there wasn’t as much box for the CASE OF CANNED DRINKS to party in.
Does anyone know how the fuck to complain about this? Yes, I called. I filed a complaint. But it’s with a call center in India so you know it won’t get seen.
If you ship anything — make sure to order heavy things BY THEMSELVES. Separate orders. Wait for the heavy shit to ship out — then order the rest. Cause good god. $200 doesn’t even buy you packaging or two boxes.
When you find a nice thing and you have to show it to everyone because we stopped having show ‘n tell after kindergarten. Which, BTW, we need to bring back. You know how we have fucking bullshit Lunch ‘n Learn topics every Thursday? And fucking Wellness Wednesday lunches? Well I want a TEAMS call show ‘n tell! I wanna eat my lunch and watch my coworkers show me fancy things. Or their pets. Or their favorite new pen. Whatever they want. I’d tune into that every god damn week AND participate. So here is my latest Amazon review:
This box is so fantastic, that I’m skipping right over the fact that normal tissue boxes are ugly and obnoxious. Do I need a rainforest print in my living room? No. Do you sell solid colors? Also, no. We’re skipping that.
What is this box even made of? I can’t bend it. And it is actually rather weighty. My cat can’t even knock this off the table – and he’s gonna try. There’s a magnetic closure on the bottom (some tissue box covers don’t even HAVE bottoms) and when it closes, there is a very satisfying thunk sound. And yall, it’s LINED. Not just with paper – it’s lined with the velour type felt that jewelry boxes are lined with.
I say again to you, good sir, why is this box so nice?
I tried to take some close-up pictures to show you the craftsmanship. Look at those straight lines and seams. Look at that lining. Look how perfectly square the lining is cut and applied to in the inside of the bottom of the tissue box cover that no one will ever see. Look at the hole! The PU leather isn’t just cut out at the hole, it’s finished and sewn. Oh and whatever non-trivial material this thing is made of has been covered in another layer of matching PU leather very well folded over and then sealed with the way-too-nice liner. I’m actually holding this in my hands flipping it around wondering how they got this perfect curve so nicely covered without a seam going down the hole – wait! I picked it up again, after typing that, to examine this sorcery again – there is a seam, it’s just nearly invisible. I only noticed it by feel. Thank you, because I’m a crafter and I was confused by that impossibility.
The only downside it that the “silver grey” is metallic. I’m putting this in my living room so I’d have preferred a matte finish. However, if it weren’t so dang nice, I could just put it in the bathroom and it’d look great in there.
I’m going to start showing guests the tissue box, aren’t I? Being old is so weird.
