Dear Mom,

This photo was in my memories yesterday. Just one year ago. Wow. How could it just be one year? Look at my innocent little self. We have pool hair because it wasn’t so cool last year. We were painting modpodge pumpkins from a coloring book. One of us found the coloring book and I cut them out and stuck them on canvases for us to paint. The other canvases are still leaning against the wall behind the curtain where you put them. Look at us just having fun doing nonsense. And I was fresh and new in my job so I didn’t realize what a shit show it was yet! Ah, innocence.

It seems like years ago. Has the world turned over so much in just a single year? Nay, just 9 months. Damn.

I can’t stop looking at this photo. Just a year ago… Man I miss you. I put up Norbert yesterday and I couldn’t quite figure out where to put him just right. Last year we argued that I wanted him closer to the road and you wanted him closer to the house. So of course he had to go exactly where you said he should go again this year. But where was it exactly? A little more that way? It was a struggle. Today I found the Casper the Ghost Halloween mask you sewed me. Heh. It some how was in my normal non-holiday mask pile that I just washed and ironed.

I miss you so much.

There’s so much to tell you! Isn’t this weather crazy? So cool. I hope we have a long Fall. I got an appointment to get my goomba tattoo! You knew I wanted a sleeve but you didn’t know about the goomba. I know you’re not a fan of tattoos, But I also know you’d have blessed the goomba. I can just hear you saying that its so ME. It is, isn’t it? I’m super excited. Wish you could come along and you and K could take a picture of me getting it and then explore Nashville while they finish it up.

We’re gonna consult about the sleeve I want too. I really want Megan Massacre to do the portrait part and then have Devon Greig do the whole rest of the sleeve. They’re both amazing with color – I did my research. Jack is the center piece. Of course. My precious Jack. You didn’t know it, but he’s in stage 3 or 4 kidney failure. Terminal diagnosis, not reversible. Sucks. I feel like if you were here, it wouldn’t be so upsetting losing him. After you died I just couldn’t handle the thought of losing my precious so I actually took him to the vet. I know! He hated it! And it cost like $600. I know! But I had them run him for everything to make sure he was solid. Well, he’s not solid.

Hey while I’m typing this, someone not part of the family, is giving sis1 shit for posting about Covid vaccines. Apparently, we know this person who thinks it’s romantic that their BF came to take care of them with Covid and now they’re in the hospital holding hands and getting treatment together. How romantic! Fucking dumbasses. No one takes this shit seriously and it’s so infuriating. Yeah it only kills a few people. Like you. It killed you. The only death out of the — how many are we up to? $600k yet? Yeah but you.

I get so mad at these anti-vaxxer morons. You’d tell me to shut up. I’m over here stirring the pot and you’d certainly call me and tell me to stop. But you know what, CODA and my therapist tell me that it’s not my responsibility how people hear what I say and how they choose to respond.

Anyway, there’s a whole shit pile of bad I could catch you up on. I mean the world’s gone to shit, Mom! Like absolute shit show dumpster fire over here. But there’s so much good on the horizon that I wish I could talk to you about!

Like the tattoo, so exciting. When better than when I’m coming up on 40? Oh oh oh oh — OH MY GOD. You don’t know WHY I’m finally getting my tattoos! Mom, I’m getting my arms fixed! Mr. C’s totally cool with it. I’m taking all of December off because I’m having my stomach and arms done! It’s going to be amazing. I don’t know how I’ll do it without you here, but I’ll do it. You’d be so excited for me. I’m sure you’d talk down all my worries. Because this is something I’ve wished for and worked so hard for.

And I’m doing CODA every Monday and crossfit three time a week! Can you believe it? I know you can. You’d tell me as you’ve told me before. When I want something, I go at it and I get it. As far as the surgery, I can see you telling me I’m prepared for everything. Like when I surprised you with a shit ton of Aldi bags. Or not surprised you, because as you said then — you know I prepare for everything. Though you still doubt me sometimes. Like you’d have 100% supported me taking today off over my hurting knee. You’d tell me I’m going too hard. But dude, crossfits expensive. I can’t pay that much and not get my moneys worth. And the more fit I am, the better I’ll recover from surgery 🙂 Just two more months.

Miss you, Momma. More than you can imagine.