Tag: dad

So this is what’s happening with me.

Posted on | by cursingcats.com | 2 Comments on So this is what’s happening with me.

I wanted to text my friends to let them know my drama cause I know it’s unhealthy to just bottle shit up and die. 

I also wanted to send my brother in law and sister in law a very abridged version so everyone can keep my mother in law from asking me about it. 

Then I thought, I’ll just post my trauma! Link the friends and cut it down for the in laws.  I’m so smart!

First we gotta background this shit. 

So like two years ago (maybe less?) my dad almost died from an infected ball hair.  He’s super diabetic cause he doesn’t take care of himself.  And then when his doctor was like, “you a diabetic.” He literally told us all “you’re not really a diabetic until you’re on insulin.” So naturally, he ended up needing insulin.  But he still never took care of himself.  And diabetics don’t handle infections well.  So he ends up hospitalized for an unknown infection.  It took days to find because I guess no one looked at his balls.  Which, fair,  makes sense, really. 

Anyway, he almost died.  And my family was insistent that someone needed to be with him 24 hours a day.  So shifts were arranged via group texts. 

I live 90 miles away with a full time job.   Not to mention I don’t even like that bastard, so I’m not taking a shift. 

Then after, I think, 2 months in the hospital he was sent to a super posh rehab.  Like live music in the cafeteria and golf having rehab.  But apparently, he needed multiple visitors per day because he thinks we’ve abandoned him.

Did I mention I hate this bastard?

So for months, I’m getting multiple texts PER DAY making arrangements to baby him (his dogs even visited every day).  And my mental health is suffering and I’m just becoming enraged at the lengths everyone has to go through for this son of a bitch. 

So I vent to my brother’s wife.  She tells me, they (my siblings) fully expect me to help so if I’m not going to, I need to let them know and to be asked to be removed from the chats.  That’s reasonable. 

NOTE: While venting about this my brother yells at me that SOMEONE’S IN THE HOSPITAL!  Keep that in mind for later. 

So that’s when my family disowned me.  It was very hard but I accepted this was the price of mental health.  Later, I made up with my brother because I like him.  He was more chill once things settled down.  Also, he’s hosted the last two Thanksgiving’s and I’m the only one in my family who showed up.  Well, one sister was at the last one.  But considering they live within sight of his house on the same block, fuck that. 

So now we’re up to this year.  My father still won’t take care of his health.  He won’t do stretches or try to be more mobile. So he can’t put on socks.  So he just wears his old shoes without socks.  And gets a blister.  His girlfriend notices it when she’s taking care of him and cleans it up.  Then goes to work.  Comes back the next day and it’s clearly red.  Yep, infection.  So he goes to the hospital.  Infection went to the bone so they amputated half his foot. 

Now remember how I said note my brother’s anger at me bowing out last time?  Well my brother’s family wouldn’t be involved this time.  They haven’t seen him in over a year because he disowned THEM.  Yep.  Even though they took care of him when he was dying.  And my brother’s wife is venting about how angry my sister is that they aren’t helping and I was just like “welcome to my side.  The side of the evil assholes.” You give everything and it’s not going to be good enough.  This man won’t even talk to MY NEPHEWS. 

Ok, you are mostly caught up. 

Last month, so less than a month ago, husband and I go down there for my nephews highschool graduation.  My sister and dads girlfriend are the only ones taking care of him because literally everyone else on earth hates him.  You see any friends?  I don’t. 

Sister says he’s doing really bad mentally so I begrudgingly go by to say hello.  He was very weak and frail.  Can’t get up or down by himself.  They have to take him to the toilet.  Really nursing home territory, but you tell my miserable sister that.  Anyway we did our due diligence.  Which oddly enough, means we had seen him more recently than my bro or my other sister. 

Semi relevant – last week was OTHER sisters birthday.  So I called.  Good God, what a mistake.  Stuck on the phone for two hours and just sent me into a complete mental spiral downward.  SHE LOST HER JOB! She finally had a job and an apartment and she lost it and can’t afford her rent and IM THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS THIS SHIT STORM IS COMING.

Very dark place mentally.  Husband is my rock though.  It’s not my business.  Stay out of it.  Maybe just never talk to your sisters. Reasonable suggestion.

Back to dad. Now we’ve known that he needs 24 hours care and my sister and the girlfriend have been doing it.  If they can’t, they have to hire a nurse or sitter. Sister has posted this drama all over social media.  But she never asked for help or money.  My brother’s wife even offered to go clean her house or dog-sit for my sister.  But she wouldn’t help with dad because dad kinda hates her whole family. 

Then last week (I just checked my phone, so not even a week ago), sister texts that she’s hiring hospice to help with dad.  Good.  They need some help.  Everyone texts that their condolences blah blah. 

BTW, no one even knows other sister is unemployed and should probably be helping out…

Then she sends a very long text about how heartbroken and beaten down she is that all of this has been on her shoulders and we’re all pieces of shit and she’s spent her savings on dad and blah blah. 

I mean, fair for me, but you never asked for help much less money from anyone.  Also, you don’t have to be the one taking care of him.  Let his girlfriend do it.  Or better yet, a nice nursing home! Somehow you are the entire codependent triangle AT THE SAME TIME.  Rescuer – Victim – Prosecutor.  Like I’ve been in therapy 20 years trying to break this triangle and you just like made it your triforce.  Well done. 

Well, my brother’s wife shot back that she’s reached out to help numerous times, just not willing to help directly with dad.  That was that. 

So this whole time sister has been slapping this drama on social media and how she’s all alone in this.  Hell, my fucking mother in law even asked about it last weekend. 

Like I’ve tried to explain “disowned” to her for two years but she just doesn’t get it. 

Then yesterday, I happen to hop on Facebook.  I don’t do that daily anymore.  (Note, my brother isn’t even on Facebook.)    There’s a post there by my sister tagging my father announcing that he is dying.  She’s tagging him in it so his friends that wish to say goodbye can come do so.

What the fuck?  You just not gonna tell anyone? 

So I screenshot it and send it to my brother’s wife cause I ain’t calling my crazy sister.  She’s in jury duty so she sends it to my brother and tells him to go over there and see what is going on.  (They haven’t seen Dad in over a year as were dads wishes).  So I call my brother and I tell him about how I knew he’d been in decline but when we saw him he was perfectly lucid and to let me know what’s going on. 

So they (brother and his wife) call me last night.  Yep, he dying.  Well, maybe? 

Apparently, this weekend he just started to decline rapidly and they don’t know why.  But he’s on hospice so it’s not like he’s going to the doctor.  They have him in a hospital bed and he can’t get up or move.  You can barely understand him.  They think he’s got days.  His girlfriend says it’s like he just doesn’t want to live anymore.  He won’t eat.  They’re having to change his diapers.  He’s in tons of pain.  Apparently, he’s confused and asking for people who aren’t there. 

So…

Um…

What do I do here, exactly?

They invited me to stay at their place if I want to come down this weekend which I suppose I kinda have to.  Like not for that asshole, dad.  But for my siblings.  I love my brother. 

My sister will hate me no matter what and she needs someone to hate so OK. 

They said I should call my sister (I’m the one who told THEM but I didn’t call my sister who told Facebook he’s dying but not his family).  I called.  She didn’t answer.  I texted.  No text back.  Actually, last week I texted her after her text rant that I wanted to send her some diamond art coasters that is a very mindless zen art project she could easily pick up and put down.  Never got a reply.   I’m telling y’all, hates me.  I told her I’d try to call again today.  I’ll do that when I get home and have husband support. 

As for visiting, I don’t know?  I mean… I guess?  Husband thinks the best thing to do is follow brothers lead.  Husband also points out that we don’t even know what things will look like this weekend (as in how fast is he declining?).  He could also just be like this for years, who the hell knows? 

Brother thinks it will be soon though.  So like I guess go down and take his favorite cake (since he apparently won’t eat).  But like we’re just gonna be there awkwardly standing around?  Will he even recognize us?  And hate will be oozing from my sister. 

I just don’t know.  What a cluster fuck. 

I asked them if we should call other sister (WHO NO ONE KNOWS DOESN’T HAVE A JOB) and none of us wanted to do that.  Even brother was like “she’ll see it on Facebook.”

Oh what a fucked up family situation. 

IM IN METAL DISTRESS.  TELL MY MOTHER IN LAW I DON’T WANT TO BE ASKED ABOUT IT.  This is not the time to try to explain these crazy ass dynamics to someone who hasn’t figured out what a carb is for 8 years and doesn’t understand that they hate me. 

So this is 85% of my brain capacity right now.  I’ve got stress tummy.  I’m just trying to get through my day.  Do I call? Do I visit?  I DON’T KNOW.  What gets me judged as least evil, I guess?

And everyone always says I’ll regret not forgiving my father but even if I were capable of that, it’s kinda too late. And I ain’t anywhere near that.  His chances died with my mother. 

…Or maybe when he killed my dog, Smokey, and laughed about it,  there was just no coming back. 

But he can never make amends to my mother and I hate him more for that than anything else. 

UPDATE:  Oh fuck me.  Ok. 

*C is the miserable sister taking care of dad. 

*J is the loser sister who doesn’t have a job. 

*H is my brother’s wife.

I just talked to H.  C texted J to ask why she wasn’t visiting. (Also, somehow they know she doesn’t have a job).  J asked why she needed to.  C says he’s dying.  J says she might come tomorrow. 

H calls J.  J says she doesn’t have a job and doesn’t have gas money.  H says she’ll pay for her gas, she needs to see dad.  Then…

J goes on a rant about how C’s stress is more important HER stress (it is).  And says she might as well just drink antifreeze and let us smell her body. 

H was like, I just didn’t even respond. 

How do you even begin to explain this shit to anyone?

UPDATE 2: Welp.  I’m here.  Brother called at 3am and said the end is nigh.  So I came down. 

Unfortunately, J is here too.  She won’t talk to anyone but I guess the antifreeze thing didn’t pan out.  Which , really?  You live in an apartment and don’t take care of your car.  You don’t have antifreeze.  You’re too lazy to go get it and too broke to buy it.  What a stupid suicide threat.  And also, you live in an apartment, we would just get a phone call after they cleaned up your biohazard ass. 

Oh my lord, how could you even begin to explain these dynamics to anyone?

I came for my brother.  Also, no one can say I didn’t come. 

Fox News is on the TVs.  So that’s fun. 

I activated my support network this morning.  I’m not sad, but I God I gotta keep the crazy out. 

A Passive Aggressive Christmas

Posted on | by cursingcats.com | Leave a Comment on A Passive Aggressive Christmas

So this year, Mr C and I spent Christmas with my family. It’s only 90 miles away but we planned to spend the night. My family does their big celebration on Christmas Eve so as to not have to fight for everyone’s time. Everyone’s free on Christmas Eve. So we went down on Christmas Eve and planned to sleep over at Sister1’s house, have Christmas brunch and head home on Christmas. Really just a formality as I feel bad that we spend a week with my in laws but only spend 24 hours with my own family. So we could at least do that.

We’d usually sleep at my brothers house, but they were full for the night. They had to take custody of SIL’s niece. Her mom was a drug addict. She’s supposed to be better now though so they’re working with her and bio-mom was sleeping over for Christmas. So they had a full house — but also a damn full plate of drama of their own. So we’d sleep at Sister1’s house — where Sister2 also lives. Plan. Not ideal because Sister1 has a big dog, but whatever – it’s one night. (Brother has 2 big dogs, but unlike the rest of my family, he trains them. His dogs are insanely well behaved.)

So dinner is at Dad’s at 5. He has forbidden present exchanges so we got to my bros house at 4 to exchange gifts. Well, Sister1 decided not to come cause she didn’t feel good. That’s fine, she has RA really bad and it really brings down her quality of life. Understood. However, since Sister1 wasn’t going to come, Sister2 decided not to either. This pissed SIL off very much because they’re having a feud right now. But whatever. We gave the nephews and kinda-now-niece their presents.

SIL explains that Sister1 is sick with a cold so that’s why she’s not feeling good. Wait, what? No one told us anyone was sick. She explains that Sister1 has had a cough for about a week now. Two things: Mr C is a germaphobe who didn’t want to be there anyway. Also, I have no PTO so I can’t get sick. It’s not an option. I gotta work. So we decide not to spend the night at Sister1’s house.

Sounds simple? Not simple. I about had a panic attack over this decision because this was gonna piss Sister1 off and I knew this would be a nuclear bomb. But Mr C is very supportive and said he’d go with whatever decision I made. So I texted them that we wouldn’t be spending then night. Then I had a mini panic attack but Mr C was very nice and let me sit in the car and calm down. Then we got out of the car at Dads. Sisters had just pulled up.

Sister1 immediately laid into me something fierce. She was furious. She said she wasn’t sick that it was just her RA and she can’t help it. So I’m being an asshole over something she can’t help. I tried to explain it was over the cough but she said she’d taken multiple covid tests and she wasn’t sick. (Which, if you weren’t sick, why did you take covid tests? Someone’s lying.) After screaming at me in the driveway in front of my husband, Bro and SIL arrive. I try to explain to SIL what is going on but she’s having major neice baby-momma drama of her own and needs a xanax and a couple of drinks. Fair. Merry Christmas.

So we go in and pretend to be a happy family, cause that’s what we do on holidays. But Sister1 is still furious. She won’t speak to me or look at me. If I move towards her, she leaves the room. At one point, she had to walk past me and went all the way around all the furniture so as to avoid me. It was really obvious. I pointed it out to my husband who reassured me, I’m not crazy — she’s crazy. But I felt like SHIT. Absolute trash.

So dinner was OK. Affair child and his family came. Dad loves to coo over affair child’s child. He was never nice to any of us or even my nephews. So it kinda just makes me sick. Like, I know he’s kinda probably got a bit of dementia, he’s bonafide insane, and is now on psychiatric medications. So like he’s different. Logical me knows this. But emotional me sees him as an evil bastard who ruined pretty much everyone’s lives just for shits and giggles. HE SHOT MY DOG.

Ok, breathe.

So I walk in the kitchen where SIL is and — just to make sure I’m not insane — I clarify that he never treated her kids so nicely and isn’t that kinda gross? She agrees. Ok, I’m not crazy. But by this point in the night she was taking shots and so was Dad’s girlfriend cause — family holidays, am I right? Oh yeah and Dad has 2 huge untrained dogs and Sister1 brought her dog, so in the background and all around you are 3 huge dogs play fighting. Also a sad little blind, deaf, and incontinent little dog but I mean, you can’t fault him. He just wants the other dogs to leave him alone.

Then girl friend actually starts talking about making him (Dad) go back to a psychologist — not just a psychiatrist who gives meds, but an actual therapist because of how bad he’s been the past two years. She’s actually started to have heart troubles because of the stress of this bastard. So I’m like girlfriend, it’s not just two years. I know for a fact he’s been an asshole for 40 years minimum, and thats just what I can actually verify first hand. Why does she stay? IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE.

So after dinner we go to the Sister’s house and give them their gifts (because again, Dad had banned gift giving at his house). I was surprised she let us in at all. It wasn’t bad. But we did go home that night. I mean after the way she had treated me all night, there was no winning. Like you want to bully me into sleeping over because you’re angry? WTF?

So we slept in our own bed which was nice. Wouldn’t have had a good nights sleep on her air mattress. And we didn’t have to drive home or do anything so we got to sleep late and chill. We opened gifts. I had eggnog and Mr C had cookies. I took pictures. Later that evening, Mr C took me to look at the Tinsel Trail Christmas lights. But Christmas was kinda ruined.

Sister1 is still so angry she won’t talk to me or respond to texts. She’s acting like I’m being ableist against her RA when I just didn’t want to catch her COUGH. But she denies ever having a cough so it’s moot. So yeah, she hates me now. She’ll hate me for a few months and then maybe get over it a little bit. We’ll see. I feel REALLY bad. So it kinda spoiled my Christmas.

Yay, family!

Normal

Posted on | by cursingcats.com | 3 Comments on Normal

So my dad called last night to talk to me about my upcoming surgery. I’m pretty surprised he remembered I was having surgery, but still. He thinks it’s too much surgery. He also keeps referring to when I had gastric bypass and gained my weight back as “before.” As in, “that’s what bothered you so much before.” “Maybe if you had this last time you wouldn’t have gained the weight back.” Which is irritating because he doesn’t know me. He’s never known me. Then I realized later that he probably “knew” me through facebook. So ok pass. I still don’t like it though. It’s cringey.

Any who, he thinks I’m doing too much. Like I would ever take this guy’s advice. Even if it is too much, I won’t admit it out of spite now. (To family, that is. I’d tell yall if I done fucked up LOL). That’s how I roll with assholes. He also asked me if it would make me look “normal.” I had no idea how to take that so I just said “naw, I’m still gonna be fat.”

“Normal.” Ugh this bugged me. My family has always been on me to wear makeup and do my hair and look “better.” Mom, bless her soul, did too. Why has my normal never been good enough? It got especially worse when my brother married a beautician. “Why can’t you be more like her?” My brother and my father wanted me to go all out. I’m not one to go all out. Perhaps as the men in my life, they though I’d be a spinster as ugly as I am. Well fuck you, I’m not. I’ve got a great career, I’ve been happily married for over nine years. And I’m still balding and only wear makeup for special occasions. I thought we had moved past this? “will it make you look normal?” DIE, MOTHERFUCKER.

I’m doing this for ME. Not to look “normal” for my family. I wanna feel good in my less saggy skin. And rock a sleeve tattoo. And do power cleans without hitting my belly pudge. I did 50 95lb dead lifts Wednesday. My husband thinks I’m hot. He loves my huge ass and thighs and soon he’ll love my new-and-improved boobs too. And I’ve lost a ton of weight. Oh and I make a lot of money for your shallow asses. My normal is just fine. My normal is just about ot get a hell of a lot finer.