I just paid $125 to be exposed as a giant dumbass and have a box gotten down from a tall pantry shelf. And that last bit was just a “while you’re here, you look tall…”
That I’m a dumbass is not some revelatory news. But paying money to find out hurts my soul.
When we redid the floors and they moved the appliances back in, the stove stopped working correctly. It’s a gas stove. Some burners were getting way too much gas and had huge flames, some wouldn’t light. So we finally had someone out to look at it.
Turns out, when they put the stove back, they didn’t put the burner covers on in the right order. They switched the smaller ones around. And to my great surprise, that really makes a difference.
So I showed Mr Appliance what was wrong. He stared at it for a second. Switched the covers around and BAM.
Jesus fucking Christ, that hurt my soul.
Welp. Now I have a personal example to use when I tell smug engineers they’re not as smart as they think they are. We’re fucking worthless outside of our jobs.
Yesterday, I had an email thread I fucked up so very badly, that I’ve been sharing it with people to cheer them up. Because hey, I fucked that up like three ways — you should get a laugh and realize we all fuck up and look like dumbasses sometimes. Enjoy.
First, if you’re not someone who has known me long enough to realize it — I get words mixed up. I meet a Kevin or a Keith? Fuck no, they’re both 5 letters that start with a K — it’s not happening. My brain cannot process this. This happens a lot where I mix up words based on what they start with — sometimes going so far as to be the phonetic start and no the actual letter. My husband has become an excellent mind reader when I do this. Context clues, people! So with that in your head:
Wednesday, we had half of a team flying in to tour and meet up with the other half of the team. So I’m tagging along to tag up with my other half. This is an all day event. I’ve told everyone I’m busy all day and my status shows as busy. But I still have my good old leash. It’s a fucking iphone and I hate it because I’m an android person – CAN I GET A PIXEL? It’s half the fucking price! That has nothing to do with this though.
So where was I? So I get a TEAMS message asking me to email Shelby about the A1111 program funding. OK, I can do that. First, I ask for a last name and they’re like “it’s in your email.” Well, outlook on the iphone doesn’t have a goddamn search feature so is it SO HARD for you to type the damn name? It literally takes less strokes than writing out “It’s in your email.” So I’m thinking ShelbyA but this is a different Shelby. Also, note that I do more budget shit that anything else. I’m a configuration manager with experience as a software engineer and a computer science degree — why am I pushing contract money? So keep in mind also that I’m pushing money for shit I have nothing to do with. I don’t work these programs, I’m just submitting the contracts for the people who do.
So I email Shelby and ask about funding for the A2222 program real quick during my lunch break. They reply:
“Ma’am, I’m the POC [Point of contact] for the A1111 program.” Fuck.
So I’m flustered, embarrassed, and still don’t have a lot of time here to deal with emails so I reply with something close to:
“Ma’am, I sincerely apologize. I intended to ask about funding for A1111.”
They reply with the fact that they’re not continuing funding, they told my boss this last week, and….
“ALSO, I’m a man. Shelby is a unisex name.“
Fuck me.
How much dumber can I look to this person? Also, I didn’t even KNOW Shelby was a unisex name. In fact, I didn’t believe it so I googled that shit. Apparently it’s Norse and it means “from estate by the willow.” Ok, Viking name, badass. But how much did you get made fun of in school?
I’m southern — so when I hear Shelby, it’s Shelby from “Steel Magnolias” played by Julia Roberts. It’s a fucking fantastic, classic movie. If you live in the South, you know this movie by heart. Highly recommend. Look at the cast!
(I copied this from wikipedia and the links came along. You’re welcome, I guess?)
Also, the red velvet armadillo grooms cake? That shit is fucking GOLD.
Anyway, ShelbyA is also a female. I’ve never known a male Shelby. But then my husband points out some fancy sports car named after a Shelby and I’m like “but have you seen Steel Magnolias?” He has not.
