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String of Bananas (Curio Radicans) and Hanging Plants from a Closet Rod Tip

Posted on | by cursingcats.com | 1 Comment on String of Bananas (Curio Radicans) and Hanging Plants from a Closet Rod Tip

String of Bananas Repot, Chop, and Prop

Isn’t it funny all the trailing plant names? String of Pearls, Bananas, Fish hooks, Dolphins, Turtles — just to name a few! Today, I repotted my something and decided to use Google Image search to identify it. Turns out it is a String of Bananas Plant. Well isn’t that cute? Now that I’ve found out what it is — everyone has all these very fussy instructions on how to care for it.

Listen. If you’ve been to my house in 5, maybe more years — you’ve seen the terrarium on my kitchen table. It’s where my succulents live. They’re in a terrarium because Jack was a plant eater. Louie gives no fucks (typical Louie).

I just buy the little 2 inch pots at the nursery. I’m not good with succulents so when they die, I just pop them out and replace them like a kids goldfish. Nothing to see here. But the String of Bananas was one of the OG succulents in here. It might be the only OG I have.

When I started this terrarium of succulents (before that it had other plants rotated in – including a bonsai which died leaving that square pot), I bought a variety. I wanted different textures and colors. So the String of Bananas would add a little hanging accent. Mom always said you need a Spiller, a Filler, and a Thriller. These would be my spiller.

Well, that damn thing just kept growing. It was like maybe 2-3 inches long when I bought it. It just started to fill the terrarium. Eventually I took it out and folded it nicely and put it back in. Still, it had to come out at some point. So when I did my home office and added hanging plants in the window, I put it in a hanging basket. When it got too long, I’d just fold and swing the trails over the pot to grow down the other side. When I moved it to the bedroom, it looked like this:

A few weeks ago, I noticed little roots growing out of the bottom of the inner pot. Time to get a bigger pot! So tonight, I repotted from that 6 inch to an 8.5 inch. But first, I had to untangle it…

Holy shit, the trails are over 5 feet long, easily! It’s pretty thin though. So rather than wad it all up again, I went chop and prop. I cut it into three sections and rooted the lower two sections back into the main pot. I used rooting hormone and this thing has grown like a weed, so I hope they take. Apparently, it will split in two where it was cut, so I hope to get a fuller plant this way. Then when it’s full and long, I can drape the length over the rod like a window swag. I’m so fancy.

Go go, little Banana Strings.

Hanging Plants Tip: CLOSET ROD

Also, when I went to grab that picture, I saw I didn’t post about hanging plants in my bedroom. WTF? I’ve just been so damn tired and fucking depressed and anxious and all over the place lately. Sorry!

So back in June, we had the floors redone. Everything had to be moved out of the downstairs. I’ll link that post here. So all of my plants went to the Master Bedroom. I made myself a little nook to live in since we had to live upstairs for a month. And you know what? I really liked having plants in the bedroom.

(NOTE: Fuck me, I haven’t posted about my MONSTERA? WHAT? I gotta post that.)

So I decided I need some plants to keep in the bedroom. Only problem was how. That card table was only there temporarily so I could put the plants in there. It was also too far from the window to get great light. I wanted to do hanging plants! Like in my office!

As you can see, I just hung the plants in my office from the curtain rod. The String of Bananas was in here with the Creeping Jenny, but I moved it to the bedroom. Now the Creeping Jenny can shine.

Problem: There’s nowhere to put a center support in the bedroom window. It’s a curved window. It’s over six feet wide. A six foot curtain rod would sag without a center support even without the weight of plants on it. So I brainstormed on it for a while. I pondered. Obviously, if I had tools and resources, I could buy a nice solid curtain rod, cut it to length, and make nice brackets. But we’re trying to do this on the cheap here. I need COTS parts.

CLOSET ROD!

Thin closet rods are rated at 30 and 40lbs. And I can get one the right length from Lowes or Home Depot! So I went to Home Depot to look at my options. I chose a seven foot clothes/closet rod and the least intrusive brackets I could find.

BAM! Hanging plants. I LOVE THEM! And this picture is a month old. The big leaf thing has new leaves, the Christmas Cactus of Friendship was trimmed for propagation (to continue the friendship train) and already has three new leaves coming in. The pot of nothing on the far right is the free zig zag cactus cuttings I got from the plant swap. They haven’t done SHIT. They also haven’t rotted or dried out, though. So I’m waiting it out on that.

I’m super happy with it. My joy was a bit (a lot) dampened by the fact that husband thinks it’s ugly. He’s not against the plants, but he hates how far it sticks out from the window. He wishes I would have just got a table or something. But like, that wouldn’t have worked. I can’t just go find a nice two foot tall skinny couch/entry table that looks nice on a $30 budget. Husband is unreasonable on some things. We can make it better in the future — but I can have SOMETHING now.

I don’t love that it’s so far from the window — but I love having my hanging plants in the bedroom! And I think it was a damn clever solution. I even hung some mementos on the ends. He didn’t even recognize the blue heart necklace pendant he gave me 14 years ago that was pinned under my skirt as my “something blue” at our wedding 12 years ago. Now it’s catching the light in our window. With my plants.

Maybe in the future, I’ll hang a nice rod from the ceiling — or do custom brackets. But for NOW, closet rod was genius. It’s not even sagging at all — even with the new larger pot for the String of Bananas. So if you need a dirt cheap way to hang some plants — closet rod.

I’m really enjoying having indoor plants now that my cat doesn’t give a fuck about destroying them.

IKEA Quest: Attach Bookcases Together

Posted on | by cursingcats.com | 1 Comment on IKEA Quest: Attach Bookcases Together

Are you looking for a way to attach your IKEA Billy Bookcases to each other? Are you looking for how to screw them together? Glue? What do other people do?

As the youths say: I got you, fam’

Have you discovered the IKEA Barrel and Bolt Spare Parts 100402 & 100644? Are you searching the breadth of the internet for what goddamn bit size you need for your drill?

I got you, motherfucker.

You see, I am redoing my hallway. I am decluttering it with a beautiful array of IKEA Billy Bookcases. It’s fabulous. After I ordered all my cases and doors, I knew I’d need a way to attach them together. I figured I would screw them together. But I didn’t have them yet so I didn’t know how wide the sides were and therefore what screw size to buy. So I took to the great internet wasteland. I found a better way.

IKEA actually has a FAQ about this. “How do I link my BILLY bookcases?”

You’re home free, baby! But wait, the link takes you to a place to order spare parts. They want a postcode, but you keep getting an error. Why have the gods forsaken thee? Fear not friend, you are on the IKEA site for the Netherlands. Are spare parts only available to the Dutch? Do they get legal weed and free IKEA parts while the rest of us are relegated to IKEA Billy Bookcase Hacks?

Nay. You just need to find the same page on the US (or your relevant country) site. Go to your home IKEA site and find “Customer Service.” Then find the link to order “Spare Parts.” From there, click “Order Small Spare Parts” Bam, motherfucker. Free parts unlocked!

Barrel Bolt & Screw

So you want to attach your IKEA furniture together? You need a barrel bolt and screw. You can buy these at any hardware store or online. But did you know that IKEA has them for the IKEA PAX system? And you can use them for your IKEA Billy system? Oh hell yeah you can!

Yes, You just need a few spare parts. You need the pair: IKEA part 100402 and IKEA part 100644. You will need a pair for each join. I chose to join my short IKEA Billy Bookshelves with two near the top and two near the bottom of each join. For the taller ones, I added two in the middle as well. Order extra. You’re going to wait a while for them so make sure you don’t need to order more. Also, they’re free!

That’s right, bitches: FREE. Straight from IKEA. You can google these part numbers and find them on eBay and Amazon. But those people probably just got them free and are scamming you. Yeah. Just get free ones from IKEA. I got 16 of each. They arrived about a week after the shelves themselves (even though they were ordered the same day). You’re welcome.

What size drill bit do you need?

This is where I hit a road block. I scoured the internet. I looked at Reddit’s r/IKEA. I looked on IKEA’s own site. I looked at the Amazon and eBay listings. NO ONE said what size drill bit I needed. What the actual fuck? So I had to go to Walmart to hold the damn barrel bolt up to drill bits and try to figure it out. I figured it was a 3/16 inch by eye. Thankfully, they had a super cheap set of drillbits though so I got that instead of the single bit I THOUGHT I needed. Look, it has a tool for this shit!

Perfect fit for… the 13/64 Inches hole.

Why doesn’t America use metric again? What the fuck is this Imperial shit? 13/64s? Really? Anyway, no, I do not know what it is in metric. I only have this little tool that came with my cheap drill bits from Walmart. I’m sorry. Google it. Or better yet, I saw that IKEA sells a set of drill bits and a drill. Why the fuck didn’t they try to up-sale me that? I’d have totally bought it! And I’m sure it has the right size. Every order of furniture on the IKEA site should suggest you buy those tools. I’d have bought them, IKEA.

Thinking you can sneak by with that 3/16? You can’t. I tried. I mean, you can hammer it in with enough gusto. I just ended up using the 1/4 bit because that was the next size up I had. Good thing too because I was trying to line up the holes perfectly, and surprise, I don’t drill perfectly straight and parallel holes! So I needed the wiggle room. Even then, I was jamming screw drivers through to find the matching holes.

The videos I have seen have you drill straight through the two sides and attach. I wanted to be a bit more exact. So I separated the cases and drilled through a matching shelf support hole on each case. This way, I knew I wouldn’t screw it up and have a lopsided set of shelves. Cattywampus as we say in the South. But when I lined the cases back up, I discovered: I suck at drilling straight. So good thing I had a little extra wiggle room. I used a screwdriver to find the other hole and determination got me through. Jam that barrel bolt through any way you can and screw in the screw. TA DA!

You will need a screwdriver for each side. One to hold the bolt from spinning and the other to turn tighten up the screw. You’ll also need a vacuum for the saw dust.

Oh and DON’T PANIC — your hole is gonna look like shit. This is MDF with a paper overlay. The drill is not gonna leave a clean hole. It’s ok! Don’t panic. Just shove all the edges back in the hole before you put the fasteners in. See how clean it looks?

NOTES:

  • Drilling holes in things means you can’t return them.
  • If you ever disconnect these shelves, now they have random holes in the sides.
  • Do not use the two top and bottom sets of holes that are for door hinges. You might want to add those later.
  • Know where your shelves are going to go because the screw now takes up that hole so you can’t place a shelf at that level.
  • Do this before you install the doors. It will be a bit difficult for one person to reach both sides of the shelves around a door.

So there you go. The info I couldn’t find ANYWHERE. Go forth and assemble custom shelving solutions on the cheap. If you are going to build IKEA Billy case’s, shout out to this man:

That’s PP FlatPack on YouTube fucking pwning the assembly. Look at how he spreads the panels like a fucking deck of cards. His way is far superior to the IKEA way. Look how fucking fast and efficient he is! You know that instruction book/guide doesn’t even have words. Just watch this. I had watched it before mine arrived, took one look at the book, and did it his way. I had them together in no time.

And yes, I will totally show you the hall transformation in another post. I haven’t put the tall doors on yet.

I did put the two short doors on and that was a breeze! I thought it would be hard. I couldn’t find any particularly good youtube videos for it so I just used the book. Super easy.

Spiffing up the deck

Posted on | by cursingcats.com | Leave a Comment on Spiffing up the deck

Now that I’ve been gardening, I need to start cleaning up the deck. I mean, that lemongrass has to have somewhere to go!

We built the deck last year. The deck plus a professional paint job was like 8sih K. So, of course I asked how to care for it. I was told to give it a pressure wash every year and I should be solid. So, I need to pressure wash. I want to buy a powerful pressure washer. We have a big house. We have the garage, the pool deck, the wood deck, sidewalk, two stoops. I really want to wash the Juliet balcony and stoop ceiling. I did some research and decided to upgrade my price range to about 3 or 4 hundred, but I just got overwhelmed. So I just asked to borrow K’s pressure washer to get the deck done. I will try to get a good pressure washer during off season.

First, I discovered my deck is like a white car. You don’t realize how dirty it is because it just looks like a different shade of ecru. It was dirty. And I had to clean it like an inch at a time. It was far more tedious than I expected. I didn’t get the good satisfaction either. The red clay is not coming off. So the lighter the deck got, the more noticeable the red clay spots were. Ugh. Also, there’s been a ton of major construction behind us. A whole neighborhood. Right now the house that backs up to us is under construction. This means red clay dust.

I learned about that the first time we opened the pool after construction started. My pool cover is a very heavy thick mesh that lets no light through. But red clay was all over the bottom of the pool. Pool guy explained it was the construction. Well, now I see that that red dust gathered in the piles of leaves that say on the deck for months. So I really should be cleaning it in winter after the leaves fall. Live and learn.

I figured, while I’m out here, I’ll clean the stoop. Oh. My. God. Why is my stoop a whole-ass different color? I knew it was dirty — but jesus! So gross! I was horrified. Now I’m definitely buying a pressure washer! And where I went along the edge of the brick, I accidentally made lines on the concrete. I tried to blend them out and it just looks worse. UGH.

I REALLY want to do the pool deck now. But I want a more powerful washer so I don’t have to do it an inch at a time. Also, I’m not about to out that much wear on a borrowed tool. That’s a lot of concrete to clean.

The steps were not satisfying either. They were just disgusting. The top of the stoop was satisfying. Nice lines I could write in if I wanted. But, see, I thought the top of the stoop was clean. I always have a rug on it. So I thought it was clean. And it was NOT. So now I’m not satisfied or happy I washed stuff — I’m just disturbed. EVERYTHING needs to be power washed now. It’s not OK. But it has to be OK because I’m not buying one right now. I’m about to open the pool and buy a new salt cell to be installed too. And I want an adirondack chair. So it will wait.

Then, I spent half my Saturday dreading putting everything back on the deck. But Husband helped and we got it done. I finally hung the solar lights I was gifted for Chirstmas. Thankfully, I had enough to double over, because these lights were super far apart. So this is actually a doubled over strand. I’m also very happy with the posts I bought to raise them up above the fence. I wish I’d installed them at the top of the board instead of the bottom to get just a little more height, but they’re there now.

Also, I will say: These lights were tangled as fuck. I felt like Russ in Christmas Vacation. They had a garbage tie in the center… and yet, it did nothing. I literally had to walk along the fence and pull each and every bulb from the giant knot. Then when I went to test them, they didn’t come on! So I thought it must have been all the vigorous shaking and tugging of untangling them! So I left them alone and went inside to put pillow cushions on. Then I read the directions for the remote and saw that they won’t come on if there is any light present. They only come on in the dark. This picture was immediately after they finally came on:

Speaking of pillows… I bought pillow covers! My mom has gifted me many outdoor pillows over the years. Walmart always sells them super cheap. They’re $5 right now, actually. And I never had the heart to throw them away. One year was fancy browns with text that I didn’t care for a lot. One year was the flamingo and the watermelon “Sweet Life.” Then the last year was the Blue Flamingos. Those were my favorite but three summers after her death, they were very faded. And the watermelon straight up tore open. I actually considered painting over the flamingos to make them bright again, but I can’t keep every bit of mom.

Then, a thought occurred to me. I don’t need new PILLOWS. I can keep moms pillows. I just need COVERS! So I spent an evening browsing the internet for outdoor pillow covers. I’ve always had the pool in a blue and green theme. Then last year, I replaced the main pool umbrella with an orange one. So I wanted to keep my blue and green but bring in some orange. And here we go!

I got a super cheap 4 pack of the blue and green watercolor. They are actually all 4 different. They’re also not a great material, but they look awesome. Only three needed here. Then I just got a cheap solid orange with white piping. Oh. And the cat. COME ON — I couldn’t not get that dork cat. It’s fucking adorable. I’m sad it’s on yellow because that’s not in my colors, but I had to have that one. I like them so much that I’m getting UV fabric protection spray so hopefully they won’t fade so much.

I’ll also note the difference in everyone’s version of a 16×16 inch pillow case. The orange ones were pretty spot on. The blue and green, the pillow had to be curled over and forced in there. And the Yellow cat was HUGE. I actually stuffed him with pillow fluff to fill it out more. That will be the soft pillow for lounging.

Oh and I ordered bright green spray paint to refresh my faithful 8 year old cheap plastic adirondack chairs for the second time. Problem with those is… I like them on the deck. They’ve been on the deck all winter. In the summer they are across the pool by the tanning ledge. This is so someone (usually husband) can grab them to sit on the tanning ledge and not get wet but have their feet in the water. So I do need them there. However, I’d like to have one on the deck. So I might get a nice(er) one for the deck. Not wood — aint nobody got time to keep up with that. But maybe one of those thicker plastic ones that aren’t all flimsy? I like having somewhere to sit on the deck that isn’t a hammock.

So I spent a lot of time outside today. Mainly waiting on my lights to come on. I refilled the squirrel feeder. As I sat in my hammock chair — desperate squirrels kept coming by to check it. Then the Cardinal couple came. It’s a female and a male and they always come together to watch out for each other. Well, fuck — yall need some black sunflower seeds! So I filled it up and waited on my lights.

The Cardinal couple didn’t come back, but Carlton did! We call the big male cardinal Carl. Now there’s a much smaller male. So I call him Carlton. I left a little pile of black sunflower seeds on the concrete pad in hopes that the couple would come back. Carlton found it!

Excuse how terrible that photo is. It was at FULL zoom. I was trying to move very sneakily so as not to scare him (he didn’t realize I was in the hammock). So I had to slowly sneak the camera over enough to get past the fern.

It’s nice sitting on the deck and watching the wildlife. Carlton is eating seed there, and there’s a squirrel sitting on the feeder having dinner too.

Gardening and Back Aches

Posted on | by cursingcats.com | 2 Comments on Gardening and Back Aches

The Squirrel Dilemma

So where were we? Ah yes, I was complaining about the frogs that tried to kill me when I watered my overwintered plants outside for the first time. Yes. I now have three sun ferns and some mandevillas out back plus the same porch plants from last year.

Problem is… squirrels. I love squirrels, don’t get me wrong. But they start digging up all my plants. Every single pot. Look at this motherfucker on my Ring camera:

I couldn’t figure it out. I thought they might be burying the peanuts I feed them. I dug around in the pots and found no nuts. I went to the internet. Apparently, they dig around for stuff that might have been buried last Fall? What the fuck? I just potted these. There’s nothing there, dumbass. Why haven’t I ever seen them dig elsewhere? I hate to jinx myself, but they don’t dig up my flower beds. I don’t see little holes all around my yard.

They weren’t just looking once either. They were digging them up multiple times a day. One day, my Mandevillas had their damn roots exposed! So something had to be done. For what I had out already, I just used the bastard pool rocks. I just put rocks all around the plant in the pot. I’m not sure about this for the ferns though, because they will want to expand. Maybe I can remove them later. We’ll see about those. For the others, it’s a great solution. They haven’t bothered them since.

But what about my lemongrass and pumpkins? Those will be seedlings. I can put rocks around those. So I decided on critter mesh to keep… well… critters away. So I proposed an errand day to my friends. We went to Cat Bird Seat and Lowe’s.

I needed to replace a dying succulent in my table center piece. I needed dirt for my pumpkins and lemongrass. And, of course, critter netting. So I set out with K, K2, and K’s SO.

Don’t shop for plants with friends (AKA “Enablers”)

We went to Cat Bird Seat first. Just a local plant place. They’re super close and also on the way to the big box stores. K2 proposed that they would have a better succulent collection. Unfortunately, they didn’t have a nice colorful one like the one I was replacing. They did, however, have a large selection. I narrowed it down to two little guys. One I chose for the color pop of pink edges. The other for the quirkiness. I presented my two options to my friends to ask which I should go for. They insisted I get both. I told them I only had room for one. They suggested I get another tiny pot and go for “levels.”

Goddammit they were right. I got them both plus a super tiny pot from Lowe’s. A few weeks ago I already added river rocks to this centerpiece because the bottom of the terrarium was showing rust. Now it’s like major upgrade. I already had the main pot on the riser. I just slid it to the side a bit for the little guy. LOOK AT THE LEVELS. It’s so dynamic. And the rocks look great.

PUMPKINS!

So then we headed to Lowe’s. Why Lowe’s? Because Lowe’s and Home Depot are very close together and K was in the left lane which went towards Lowe’s. Highly complex decision making, clearly. It worked out great though. They had a sweet deal on dirt! One cubic foot of fertilized top soil for $2. That’s a steal! I got regular top soil that wasn’t fertilized for $2.99 and thought THAT was a good deal. I need a lot for my 5 pumpkin pots.

Well, they’re aren’t pots, per se. They’re actually nursery bags inside nursery fabric pots. The bags, which won’t break down, are ugly and just for growing, not showing. The fabric pots are nicer, but they are biodegradable. So I combined the two so I can reuse them. Fabric pot on the outside, lined with a bag on the inside. Yes, the bottom of the fabric pot will still be wet, but I hope to get a few seasons out of them. Also, the fabric pots would drain from all areas. With the bag, only the drainage holes will drain.

Anyway, I needed to get these pumpkins out ASAP. I knew they needed to go out in May. After the clusterfuck of lemongrass seeds that wouldn’t sprout, I need to get them out on time. That way if I have bad seeds, I can buy new seeds and still get pumpkins. So I spent the weekend filling my pots. I did NOT buy enough dirt. I figured one bag would be plenty per pot. I was wrong. Each pot took two bags. So yeah, I had to go BACK to Lowe’s on Sunday for even more dirt. (Also, I did look up how big a pot I would need for a pumpkin. 20 gallons. That’s why I couldn’t afford to buy actual pots.)

Now these pots are heavy. Thank god for my garden wagon! I managed to get them all out. I used broken umbrella pieces (not a hoarder) and tennis balls to hold up the critter netting. I used it doubled over and tucked it under the pots on the front and sides. Then I used 3 packs of binder clips to secure the back so I can have access as needed.

Once the vines grow long enough, I will lay out a sunshade over the rocks to keep the weeds out and allow the vines to stay neatly on top. I chose a sunshade because mesh tarps are crazy expensive. I don’t need anything strong, I need something that blocks light but is water permeable. So sunshade! I’ll buy some more critter netting to go over the vines too. Not sure how I’ll hold the netting up as I’m out of umbrella parts.

So may I introduce you to the very first day of my very first pumpkin patch!

But wait, there’s more.

I was researching caring for pumpkins so I can nail this. And everyone kept mentioning planting in July. Why July? I need 120 days to mature on the big ones and 90 on the small — that’s 4 months! Oh… fuck me. October is the TENTH month. So I need to plant them… in the SIXTH month… which is June.

Fuck me.

So if these grow, I’m going to get my small pumpkins in 90 days which is… early August. Yeah… that’s not gonna last till Halloween.

Fuck me.

So I guess this is a tester batch to see if these seeds sprout. Yeah. That’s it. I’ll pluck them when they do and replant at the correct date. Ignore the stupid person.

The Lemongrass Experiment

On to the lemongrass. Well, I fear I planted this one too late. The seedlings are so very tiny. I needed to get the domes off so I moved them to the garage. I’m going to stop top watering and switch to bottom watering with a bit of miracle grow. I also set up a fan to start hardening them up. It will run on its lowest setting for 4 hours on, 4 hours off, rinse and repeat.

Also, I’ve done so much lemongrass research. The reason I had difficulty finding seeds was that no one grows from seed. They grow from last years harvest. At the end of the season, you dig up the stalk and peel away all the leaves. Wash it really good so that there’s no dirt and a little bit of roots. Put all your stalks in a vase with cold water that you change out every week. Then next year, plop the stalk in the ground and your plant comes back. Obviously, I will do this from here on out if my lemongrass is successful.

To give my tiny baby lemongrass a boost, I did buy 8 stalks of wintered lemongrass. I got those planted up today in smaller, more colorful fabric pots. When my seedlings are ready to go, I can put those in there too. Since I want a lot of grass blades, I can plant a lot close together. Each plant will only put out between 10 and 20 blades. I’m growing them for the oils and scent, not for cooking. So I’m not trying to get thick juicy stalks.

They are currently in the garage because I need more critter mesh to cover them before they go outside. Hopefully, I will get them out tomorrow as I do not have another grow light. I should have had enough critter mesh, but I doubled up over the pumpkin patch. So tomorrow, I can add critter mesh and get those out in the sun.

I’ll continue rotating my seedings and hardening them up in the garage until they’re a bit more ready to go outside.

Stanley’s Stoop

Posted on | by cursingcats.com | Leave a Comment on Stanley’s Stoop

This popped up in my Facebook memories today. Eight years ago when the house was being built. You bet your ass I was on site every day.

Obviously, the “stoop” is even grander now with wrought iron railings and giant white columns in front of an 8 foot double mahogany door of glass and ironwork. Fucking Stanley. He was our appraiser. So he determined the value of our build, which in turn, determined our mortgage. We took a massive loss for not having a “porch.” We just got the checkbox for “stoop.” — hence my anger. Hence my still remembering Stanley, and it being forever STANLEY’S STOOP when I get angry. Fucking stoop my ass. Must be the best goddamn stoop in existence, STANLEY.

That check box would have been the same if it was just three concrete steps in front of a god damn trailer.

Hotter than Hell

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Our air conditioner was down most of this past week. It was 86 degrees (fahrenheit) upstairs. Eighty-six degrees, yall. It was crazy hot in here. It started Friday.

Friday, our neighbor texted me that our air conditioner was freaky loud. Well, what am I supposed to do about that? I agree, it’s louder than normal but I don’t know what to do about it. So I ignore it. Then Saturday, we realize both the upstairs and the downstairs are about 5 degrees warmer than they should be. Well, fuck. So I haul my fat ass up into the ceiling to check on the attic unit. Do we know the weight restrictions on those flimsy pull down stairs? No, we do not. Do we like heights? No, we do not. Do we have any desire to ascend into the insanely hot upper reaches of the house? No, we do not. Will Mr C go up there instead? No, he will not. Mr C is not remotely handy.

So into the attic we climb. The unit is frozen. Fuck. So we shut both floors off completely. We spent that first night in the Master. After that, I moved to moms room with the windows open and a box fan set in the window blowing on the bed. At least we’re not so far into summer that the nights are hot too. From then on, we just lived with all the back and side windows open. We don’t have window screens on the front of the house, so we couldn’t open those (according the Mr C). That sucks because the Master and Mr C’s office are on the front of the house. On night two, Mr C joined me in the cooler room.

So the weekend of AC breakdown was a holiday weekend. I called our home builder and asked for a repair man referral. He sent me the info of the guy who installed our system. I called him up on Sunday. He lives about an hour and 20 minutes away. He says he’d be happy to come out and look, but he’d have to charge his holiday rate of $175 an hour as opposed to the normal $150 an hour. He’d also have to start charging when he leaves his shop and stop when he gets back. So he encourages us to find someone more local to save money. Nice guy.

So I find a referral for a handy man on Next Door. He can come look at it on Monday for a $100. Great. He ghosts us. I message him and call him and get nothing. Then, at Six in the evening I get a message that he can come look. Hell, I’m desperate so, awesome. Come on. He climbs into the attic and the unit is still frozen as fuck. It’s a damn iceberg in hell. He can’t do anything until it thaws out so he says he’ll come back Wednesday. He’s a handy man so I had him put the screen back on the bird window (another source of cool evening air!) and fix a door in the entry way. So it wasn’t for nothing.

Wednesday rolls around and he returns. Thankfully, the units have thawed. He goes to the outside unit and puts in a pound of freon. Then he starts it back up. It still sounds like shit but it’s blowing cool air. He informs us that we need a new compressor. It’s not supposed to sound like that. He chats for a while. Compressors are expensive as fuck. They’re the most expensive part of the unit. He informs us it might be cheaper to get a whole new unit. Fuck fuck fuckity fuck. He recommends running they system because “there’s not much more damage we can do.” He says he’ll just take $350 instead of the quoted $500 since he didn’t fix it completely. That’s nice of him.

Well, I tell him to get us prices and Mr C and I decide we need a second opinion. If we’re gonna drop thousands of dollars on this repair, we can afford to have the installer come out and give it a look over.

So the next day I grab the warranty papers. Oh great it has a five year warranty! But it’s six god damned years old. God dammit. So I call our insurance agent to see if any of this is covered. Nope, we didn’t buy an extended home warranty. Fuck. So I call the original installer back and he’s happy to come out. In fact, he’s working two jobs on this side of town that morning (by now it’s Thursday) so he wants to stop by ASAP. But I’m back at work full time and Mr C is working in the office because it’s hot as balls at our place. So I explain to my new boss (I started the new job last week) that my AC is broken and it’s 90 degrees. I need to meet the repair guy at home. After he gets done, I’ll be sweaty as fuck so can I pleeeeeeeaaaaaassssse work the afternoon from home? They let me do that. AWESOME.

OK so first, give me a break here, I don’t know much about HVAC systems. So I explain the situation to the installer. He says none of what I’m saying makes any kind of sense. He thinks the guy was talking about the coils and not the compressor. But I’m sure he was talking about the compressor, I have Mr C to back me up on that. We researched prices. He asks which units are freezing up. I tell him the attic and the outside. He says which unit in the attic. I say there’s only one. He insists there’s two because we have two systems. The attic aint that big, so I know there’s only one. Everyone — us, the builder, and the installer — realize we need the installer to come see what the fuck is up.

So the installer comes out. He looks things over. I need to know things. First, I wanna know why the downstairs and the attic unit are connected on the same system. He explains that they are the same system. I’m lost, we have a downstairs system and an upstairs system. He says yes. The owner on the phone thought we had two SPLIT systems, hence two units downstairs and two in the attic. We actually have one split system and one all-in-one unit. The unit the handyman said was the downstairs system is just the hot air condenser for the upstairs unit in the attic. One system. Ok, that makes a lot of sense now on why they’re both frozen. But you said we have TWO systems. Where’s the other? It’s that giant ass other box outside. I had just assumed that was the heater. He informs me that both systems are heat and cooling combined. The one upstairs is a split system. That’s the unit the guy put freon in. Then there’s a whole other system over here in this box that is the downstairs. Handy man never did ANYTHING to that box/system. He just ignored it.

Handyman didn’t know Jack shit and took my $450 bucks! God dammit! Most expensive door fix ever.

So Installer has nifty looking gauges and tools and starts to work. First, Mr C and I have always been terrible about replacing our air filters. Which is doubly bad because I buy the good ones that filter more shit out. Thats great, but means they should be changed even more often. We don’t do that. I fess this up to the installer so he has the full picture. Also, our coils have never been cleaned. So they were filthy. We didn’t know that AC units needed to be cleaned so OK. Now we know. Apparently people usually do it every spring. They have the guy come out and check the freon and clean the coils. He said they say every year but we could get away with every two. Awesome, now we know. So dirty filters and dirty coils. Thats it? Well no, both systems need another pound of freon each.

Fucking handyman didn’t even put in enough freon. FUCKER.

Ok, so filters, coils, freon… The fans busted. Thats why it’s so loud. We need a new fan and motor. He needs to get the parts but that will take a few hours. So he tops off the downstairs unit and it’s running great. Sweet! I can work downstairs in the AC!

So he leaves for lunch and returns a few hours later with parts for the other system. Which I now know is a two part system. He informs us the motor had some busted ball bearings. Not a good reason why — we’re just lucky like that. Handy man had found some “goop” in the fan and thought that might have been why. I show him the goop and ask about that. He says no, that’s just the material that was covering part of the compressor and it’s pretty common to see that fall off. Fucking handy man making me look like a giant dumbass. We’re just unlucky on a bad part that’s out of warranty. Nice.

So we had filthy filters that hadn’t been changed for a lot of months, filthy coils that hadn’t been cleaned in 6 years, low freon, and a busted fan. No wonder both systems went down. But they’re fixed now and we’ve learned some lessons:

  1. Change your air filters on time.
  2. Yearly or every other year, you should have the AC people come clean your unit and top off the freon.
  3. Always use the people the builder refers me to. Even if those people tell you you should find someone more local. Always trust the builder. Builder is good people and only works with good people.
  4. If someone is honest enough to tell you that they’re too expensive and you could find someone cheaper — HIRE THE HONEST PERSON. Good people are hard to find. Someone who’s honest about being too expensive is honest enough to fix your shit cause they know what the fuck they’re doing.

Mr C’s Attack Dog

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Mr C fears confrontation. I’m not sure if he fears it, or it’s just too awkward from him — but he doesn’t confront. He has me to confront. I do not fear confrontation. I enjoy it. I take pride in it as a skill. Therefore, whenever Mr C wants to know whats going on, or pwn someone who’s trying to rip us off, he just calls on me. Cause, fuck it, I’m in.

So Friday, Mr C calls out (we’re working from home) that someone’s taking pictures of our house. “What do you mean taking pictures of our house?”

“They’ve parked in the driveway and are walking around taking pictures of our house.”

“You want me to see why?”

“I thought you’d be interested.”

“Do I have time to change out of my PJ pants?”

I’m very possessive of our property. I don’t know if it’s because I like having property or what. I just don’t like people on my property without my permission. Maybe I just like that it’s mine. Maybe I’m the old man yelling “get off my lawn!” Maybe you look shady as fuck even if you weren’t taking photos of my house.

It was gutter people. They were making an estimate on cleaning our gutters. They cool. I got their card. (Gutter Pro sent them — but Gutter Pro works like a pimp pimpin out gutter cleaning whores. I’m serious. You just sign up and say “I’ll clean gutters” and they start sending you addresses. It’s terrible. Mostly they send people ill equipped to do a large two story and we get turned down — if they show at all. I never said they were good pimps.) So Mr owner of “Chainz” (I told you these people looked sketch as all hell) was taking photos to justify a higher price for the job.

The roof was too slick for them to finish today but I asked Mr Chainz’s handyman if he could fix our coat closet doors too. Cause dude, I need a handyman. He’s gonna give me an estimate when he comes back for the gutters.

Anyway, I hate that if there’s ever a bump in the night, I’m gonna be the one investigating. I always wanted to date the protective type. The guys who were at least as big as me. I’ve got 100lbs on Mr C. Dammit cute nerds.