Category: House

Fall Stairs

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So, I had all my pumpkins around the house.  Some had spider mites and I was trying to be okay with it but they were multiplying and I was afraid they’d get in my plants.  So I finally decided to ditch the pumpkins. 

Well, that’s an ordeal cause I need to scrape the seeds out before I throw in the compost.  I have a lot of cardboard, but I need to break it down to counter that much pumpkin.  So I started putting them on the back stoop.  Figured I’d scrape them out there later this weekend. 

I felt bad though because they’re so FALL.  And it’s still Fall. 

Then it occurred to me that I’m stupid and they’d look gorgeous on the front steps.  Who cares about mites out there? Look at the pretty!

The Great Inaugural Pumpkin Patch of 2024 Final Results

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So my first time ever growing pumpkins. My first pumpkin patch. How did it go?

Pumpkin Patch Overall Yields

I’ve picked the last pumpkins in the patch. The water is off. So here is the Great Inaugural Pumpkin Patch of 2024 yields.

* 4 Rouge Vif D’ Etampes (One died on the vine during the Great Pumpkin Massacre)
* 5 Musquee De Provence (One died on the vine during the Great Pumpkin Massacre)
* 1 Jack O Lantern (he had a similar stunted friend who rotted on the counter)
* 1 Connecticut Field
* 18 Jack Be Little
* 14 Chinese Miniature White

The picture below shows the pumpkins lined up in the above order and from oldest to newest.

Each large vine was singular in a 20 gallon grow bag. The two miniature vines shared a 20 gallon grown bag. Each individual vine had water that went off every 6 hours into a gallon jug that slowly trickled into the bag.

After the Great Pumpkin Massacre, when they were deprived of water for 4 days in mid summer, the two french varieties survived by sacrificing a pumpkin each. They shriveled up so the vine could consume the water. The Chinese Whites did not shrivel, but simply stopped growing. After this, the Jack O Lantern and Connecticut Filed never put out any more females.

Pumpkin Variety: Rouge Vif D’ Etampes

These came from Bakers Creek Seeds. The description warned that they were very unwieldy and I think that made for their survival and bigger yield. They also had HUGE leaves. It was the first and last to put out pumpkins.

Turns out my first pumpkin was my largest and favorite of the season. It was this one (photoed next to my smallest pumpkin):

Part of the way through the season, I started righting the pumpkins as they grew. I think these actually look a lot more fun left to grow in whatever shape they like. Pretty sure these will be the only one I plant again next year (aside from the littles).

Pumpkin Variety: Musquee De Provence

These were the prettiest vines but I won’t be planting them next year. The vines had a gorgeous white veining in the leaves unlike any of the others. And the pumpkins are the most traditional pumpkin shape. The pumpkins grew dark green and looked like a nice watercolor.

If they stayed dark green, I’d like them a lot better. I thought they would turn grey (and some varieties do), but mine turned into a peachy light orange. I’m not a huge fan of the final color. You can see the maturing difference in the first pictures I posted with the whole yields. They’re dark green when you pick them and then they turn peach.

I won’t plant these next year because I didn’t like how pointy the vines were. I went out every day to make sure the flowers got pollinated and walking through the patch in shorts, I got scratched by these a lot. Picking them was also a pain for that reason.

Of note: This one survived the Great Pumpkin Massacre (Drought) by shriveling up and draining a pumpkin:

Pumpkin Variety: Jack O Lantern

This was the biggest let down. Note that these seeds did not come from Bakers Creek, so the quality of the seeds might be part of the problem. They took the longest to mature, so they got a month long head start over the others. I think this head start lead to their detriment when the pests hit. So all of the advance start was wasted to pests.

I’m guessing it was the pests, but this vine only put out 2 pumpkins. They also came out when we had over a week of rain which led to one getting a bit rotten on the bottom. That’s when I learned to put the pumpkins on racks off the ground. I let it keep growing anyway though. I left them on the vine until they ripened because I expected them to get large and they were not at all large. Here they are:

Yeah, talk about disappointing. Also, the only way to hide that bad spot was to set it on its side which was super cute! Until I woke up to pumpkin juice everywhere and had to throw it out and clean up a lot of pumpkin juice.

After the massacre, they didn’t put out any more female flowers. I don’t know if it was the lack of quality seeds, or the attack of pests, but this vine SUCKED. Will no be planting again.

Pumpkin Variety: Connecticut Field

This was a quality seed pack from Bakers Creek like the others, but what a let down. This vine only put out two long vines and one single pumpkin. It was a good size, unlike the Jack-O-Lanterns, but fuck that.

Pumpkin Variety: Miniature

Now these were awesome. I see no point in NOT planting miniature pumpkins. I did two in one container and they had great yields. Specifically: 18 orange Jack Be Littles, and 14 Chinese Miniature White.

So you get a lot of bang for your buck! They make adorable displays because you have so many. And thay mature very quickly unlike the large pumpkins. So less patience required. Seriously, even if I didn’t do a “patch” again, you gotta do the minis. So worth it.

Pumpkin Patch PESTS

I have literally never grown anything on the land that this patch was grown on. So it was even stranger that I had such huge pest problems.

First, came the slugs. I didn’t know what was eating my leaves so I went out one night and found like 15 slugs on the end of my single Jack-O-Lantern vine. They had killed it from that point down. Fuckers. Luckily, slug bait fixed that. But EW — I picked them off that night and just EW.

Then came the squash bugs. They kicked my ass all season. The adults don’t respond to Sevin dust either. So I used ungodly amounts of Sevin Dust and sprayed RAID too. And I had so many bees that I could only spray the RAID in the evening. So it just sucked. And you’d think you got a handle on it only to find a pile of eggs the next morning. FUCK THEM.

Then, after I harvest my last pumpkins, I caught a squash borrower. I never noticed them all season. However, one of my little white pumpkins in the kitchen had gunk on it one evening. Well, that’s weird because I scrubbed them all when I brought them in. So I took it over to the sink to wash it and it had a perfect little circle in it.

I sat it on the counter to stare at it and a little fucking green worm popped out! WTF! Bastard. So I guess those will be a possible problem next year.

None of these vines will be going into the compost due to the pests. I’m going to bag them up in the garbage to be hauled off.

Pumpkin Patch Results

Well, I couldn’t bring myself to put them outside. So I have a lot of cool pumpkin vignettes in the house.

So that’s really fun. And I’m super proud of my pumpkins. It was also a cool hobby to have during the summer. I got to bond with Louie as he got so accustomed to coming out with me every morning. I learned a lot too!

Lessons for Next Pumpkin Patch

I learned early on that you gotta have a watering system. Pumpkins are THIRSTY. And make sure the fucking gutter cleaners don’t turn it off and kill your months worth of work!

Next time I will only plant pumpkins that can cross pollinate with each other. This will alleviate me having to go out every morning to pollinate the flowers. It turns out we had a ton of bees. So next time, they can do the work.

I grew the vines how I wanted them to grow. And that was East (using strings). They do not want to grow East, they want to grow South. So why fight that? Also in this same vein, I planted them where I did to get the most sun. Well, fuck that. They were dying every afternoon. So I would rotate the square I planted them in.

I learned not to let the growing pumpkins sit on the ground. I used my old bakers racks to raise them off the ground. Then some old tiles when I ran out of those. However, with the Rouge Vif D’ Etampes, I learned that those particular pumpkins are cuter if you don’t set them straight upright to grow. They look fun a little wonky. The Connecticut Field is the opposite.

I used cloth grow bags over plastic for appeal, but they just molded and mildewed so that was a waste.

I planted marigolds to attract the pests before they got to the pumpkins, but I didn’t plant them early enough. The pumpkins established months before the marigolds did. So those need to go in way earlier.

In Closing

I have earned my pumpkin tattoos.

Compost Bins: Stage Two

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The Stages

Stage One of building the compost bins is complete. That was getting the corrals up.

Stage Two is now complete! I put the fronts on the corrals!

Stage Two++ is in progress which will be using the metal mesh to corral the leaves and hay from blowing all over the yard. I made the sides which will be the depth of the corrals. Now I need to make the back and door. I can do this in the garage since the width is arbitrary to the wood available.

Stage Three will be the top. This is not planned out as well. My ideas are fluctuating. And I’m in no huge hurry. I mean the materials is still decided. But do I really want one huge lid? I don’t know. We shall see.

Saturday Morning

So last we left off, I had the corrals of my compost bins up. But they still needed fronts. So this Saturday, I decided to conquer Stage Two. This was going to involve my first experience with a circular saw, so I knew it was going to be a lot. So I set up camp. All my materials laid out. A chair for rest. An umbrella for sun. And the VIP of the day: my new Worx WX065 Clamping Sawhorses with Bar Clamps.

Seriously: These sawhorses are fucking amazing. How are you suppose to saw shit without the clamps holding it in place? And the saw horses are built to hold and lock-in the clamps, but you can take them off and use them by themselves. You can also take them off to store them — in the built-in slot that holds them. They fold up. They’re light weight. They hold a thousand pounds (together). WTF. These are amazing. Since you have to use two hands to use the circular saw, I don’t even know how I would have done this without these things. They’re the things I didn’t know I desperately needed.

I also used my new circular saw! I’m not great. For some reason, when I get to the very end of the cut, it wants to kick and not finish that bottom corner. I corrected for this by using a piece of scrap wood behind the pieces I needed to cut to cut into, but WTF? I need a class. Anyway — I got set UP and ready to conquer. I even had a ton of drinks in the wagon.

Since sawing things was intimidating, I started with the rebar. I wanted to secure the front of the corrals with rebar in the ground. I didn’t think this would be a difficult task, but it was. I’m not known for my strength. So hammering rebar a foot into clay was more difficult than I expected. It got easier as they got down to a height that was more natural for my arm — but damn. I secured them to each side with some metal straps.

Yeah, they’re real crooked. Don’t judge me. I did this whole project by myself.

Then, I had to embrace cutting wood. So the front of my bins are stacked boards. To secure these boards, I made a little wood I-Beam on the front of each post. So a little 2×2 spacer sandwiched between two 6 inch fence boards. You can see I secured the spacer and backs to the posts first with some 4 inch screws to really get them in there. I also wanted to easily measure how long my horizontal boards needed to be. I expected each bin to need a custom length or there to be longer and shorter lengths on top and bottom. But I was pretty damn square.

Then, it was lunch time.

Saturday Afternoon

After lunch, I needed to put the fronts on my I-Beams and start cutting my horizontal slats. I measured 35 inches from spacer to spacer and 31 inches from inner to inner post. So I made my boards 34 inches. This gives them a whole inch of wiggle room if the walls shift and makes getting them in and out a breeze. But I still have 3 inches to hold them in there, so no need to worry about centering them.

My first test slats: SUCCESS!

Now to cut 13 more.

Look at my happy fronts! There’s tons of wiggle room for boards to curl, but not so much that two boards could slide over each other.

Also, the front posts are taller so I can place a 2×4 across the top of each side and they will cover it. You can see I had one laid on top in an earlier picture when I was measuring how long to cut those.

LOOK! I DID IT!

Fucking beautiful.

Sunday: COMPOST DAY!

So the next day, I built my compost pile. This had the added benefit of raking leaves and pulling vines off my house to use as composting material for the 3 gallons of kitchen waste I’ve accumulated in the fridge waiting on my ass to actually complete this project. Ok, it’s not COMPLETE, but it’s to a functional stage.

I made my pile with marigolds, a fuck ton of lemon grass, vines, and half dead plants for the “greens.” And crusty old lemon grass, leaves, hay, and cardboard for the “browns.”

Don’t worry, the card board was cut up pretty small, see:

I also cut up the vines.

Next Up

I did make the two sides for the browns corral. I can finish it off in the garage and place it out there whenever I get around to it. It’s a very simple frame that I will staple the wire mesh into. The front will be a gate that matches the bins.

Then, eventually, I will make a lid. Or lids. The plan is in flux. Right now, my compost pile just has a big square of cardboard over the top. It’s fine.

Super proud of myself! GO ME!

Compost Bins: Stage One

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The Stages

Stage One of building the compost bins is complete. They are standing. There are three corrals. They look great.

Stage Two will be adding the front faces to the corrals — I hope to accomplish that this weekend. All of the materials have been acquired.

Stage Two++ has been added which will be somehow using the metal mesh to corral the leaves and hay from blowing all over the yard. I’ve got ideas. More coming on that later. Maybe I can work on that this weekend too. But it’s not part of Stage 2. It is an additional and optional task.

Stage Three will be the top. This is not planned out as well. I know the roof design. I’ve chosen the materials and the design from a build I like. Now how I attach it… I would love to have someone with more skills and tools help. I will be building the height of the back of the corrals up a slight bit so the lid will slant forward. It will rest on the front with hinges in the back. However, I would absolutely love for some help to build up the sides (inner and outer) to match the angle so that it lays flat on the structure. Not required, but I would like that.

One Stage Down

So I ended up going for a kit. I used two of the “Greens Fence” brand “Composter” kits. They sell these at big homes stores like Home Depot and I scored mine on sale on Wayfair. You can buy them online on their site too. They’re extendable, and customizable.

I assumed I could get someone to build me something for much cheaper. I was very wrong. With inflation — wood prices have skyrocketed. The only compost bins I could find on Marketplace and local sites were really bad and more expensive than the kit. So I drew up this sketch of what I thought I wanted and tossed it out to three local builders to see what they could do. I mean surely if you use pressure treated pine (as opposed to cedar) and don’t use all the fancy dovetail cuts, it will be cheaper right? Here’s what I sent. I did this really quick in Photoshop, but I’m low key proud of extending that picture to three bins.

The closest one guy could get was two bins in pine for that price. Yeah… no. So I ordered the two kits on sale with free shipping. They got here in like three days. I was very excited to put them together but I didn’t. Like this is adult lincoln logs. There is nothing to fix together — just build and go. No nails, screws, or glue needed. Now, I didn’t do it that way, but still.

I just couldn’t get off my ass and do it. This who menopause thing has me napping every damn day and I just haven’t wanted to go out in the hot garage and put this shit together. As much as I want to play with the blocks, I don’t want to. So I just kept watching youtube videos and getting nothing done. Until…

I embraced the fact that it wasn’t happening. Fuck it, I’m in the living room and they will be too. So I decided to build all the sides in the airconditioned living room while watching youtube. And that’s what I did. I put together the four sides in the livingroom. I had little cedar squares cut for the “feet” so there would be slight protection from the ground. I know they will rot eventually, but lets let my feet rot first and give me a chance to replace those before the posts.

FUN TANGENT! One of the reviewers gave it a bad review. They assembled it in the garage and when they went to move it outside, all the bottom pieces fell out. No shit, Sherlock — nothing’s holding it together. People are so stupid.

So I screwed the feet on on the posts and proceeded to build my giant lincoln logs set. One runner, two spacers — repeat. However, I used wood glue. Not just any wood glue, I used Gorilla Brand Wood Glue. As Adam Savage says, wood glue is amazing. It’s one of the only bonds that is strong than the thing it bonds. And from every experience I’ve had with Gorilla Brand — they are just OP. (That’s Over Powered for the nonnerds). Like Gorilla says “hold my beer so I won’t glue it to myself.”

Seriously, I have a sunsail on the side of the house to cover the pool equipment. One anchor pulled out last year and I liquid nailed it in place. It still pulled out. So this year, I bought bigger and deeper anchors to install it. Still pulled out. So I googled what the strongest of the Gorilla Glues was — it’s the Clear Constructions glue. Surprisingly not the regular one — the clear one. I used that shit. That anchor is part of the house now. If you want it down, you will need to replace those bricks. I squeezed it in the holes, put the anchors in, squeezed it in the anchors, gobbed it all over the anchor plate, then screwed it on. It hasn’t moved. It is part of the house now.

So that was actually kinda fun. The middle sections don’t have all their slats, so I used screws to just prop up a spacer where I needed it until the glue hardened. Four sides complete.

I’m also lining this in metal mesh. Did I mention that? Yeah, quarter inch hardware cloth. Like, yes, I’m not an idiot. I know critters will get in. But I don’t have to give them an open invitation. Also, when I turn this shit I don’t want to constantly be raking up everything that fell through the slats. So I went ahead and installed that inside too. I precut the metal mesh in the garage with my dremel and stapled it on in the house. The middle sections have mesh on both sides to keep a little air pocket between the corrals because compost needs air. A tip from another build I stole.

You can see here that I cut the mesh purposefully a bit wide to account for my not putting it on straight. I just used this metal leveler I had handy to bend the mesh into the corners.

I did actually consider building two of the corrals inside and then attaching them with a back wall outside, but they were getting heavy. With the metal mesh, they were a lot heavier. So the backs had to be assembled in the great outdoors. Boooooooooooooo

I actually did another extra step. Again, critters will live in here — but I don’t have to leave the light on. So I trenched a bit around the inner edges and buried some mesh in the dirt a bit and stapled it to the bins. While doing this I totally put all my weight onto one foot to get the trowel in deeper and totally fell in the mud. It’s fine.

Did I bury it deep? No. Don’t I realize they’ll get in anyway? Yes. But I’m not the Super8 Motel OK, I can do what I can.

So then I glued the back slats and spacers in place and rested. Because it is hot outside and there are mosquitos.

Then I came back and stapled all the mesh up onto the sides and the mesh sheet on the back. WHA LA! Each section is a three foot cube. The three bin system has you using the left-most bin constantly for new scraps and waste. You can turn back and forth between two bins until you get some stuff thats mostly composted. Then stuff that’s mostly composted goes into the middle bin and new compost and still big chunks stay in the left bin. Finished compost (and my overwinter dirt storage) goes in the right bin and is ready to use at any time. Since I have the quarter inch mesh, I can make a really big portable mesh screen to just cover the top of that bin with some scrap wood. That will be my filter. FREE SIFTER, BABY.

Coming Soon

So this weekend (hopefully), I will install the fronts. As in the drawing I used to show the wood workers what I want, I’ll be doing slats. This is all real cedar. To make the slat tunnels/holders/sides/whatevers, I bought cedar fence planks. So it’ll be a sandwich of cedar plank, spacer, cedar plank stuck on the front of each post. The fronts themselves will be cut wood. Specifically treated pine fence planks that were dyed to look cedar. Cause, listen, I can more easily replace rotting sliding planks than pieces of the actual unit. Cedar for the bins, pine for the front slats.

I already have the materials and a spiffy new circular saw to get it done!

Oh and I need a browns corral. I already have my hay bale out there ready to get to workin’! And I’ve already notice the wind blow a bit of it around. I’m also going to want to have leaves on hand (and pulled weeds) to add as I add greens. Well, as I’ve already taken the build specifics from a lot of different peoples bins to make my fankenbins — I’m taking another. One guy had a cylinder of wire mesh next to his that he kept his browns in. Wait, I have a fuck ton of wire mesh now. So I’m gonna buy some rebar stakes and make a little square on the side there for me to dump leaves and stuff in for easy access. It won’t be part of the bin system and lid. Just a corral for my browns. I want to put a “door” on it for easy access when it’s low (also because hay will probably be on the bottom and leaves on top and ill want to grab a mix of browns). I’ve got some scrap lumber in the garage, I might try to outline it in lumber and make a little mesh gate door for the front.

Since I bought two composter kits and assembled them in my own fashion, I have a lot of extra slats. I can use some of the extra slats to make the front gate of my browns corral match the sides of the bins perfectly!

Now we’re getting somewhere!

Phase three isn’t on a schedule. If it starts to rain a ton, I can throw a tarp over the active bins. It’s going to get done. But I can start composting this weekend. Not have to wait on the lid.

Errands! Let’s fill up the car!

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Today, I acquired the things. I did many errands. I took off work early to go to the Psychiatrist. Then, Garvins was on that side of town so I stopped in for Hay. Then Home Depot… Then Publix to drop off my prescription refills. Listen, it was a lot. So then I napped and went to pick up the refills.

I’m working on my compost bins. I’m 90% done with Phase 1 (Yes, I will be posting). Phase 1 is just getting all the sides up. They are up, but the back three panels don’t have their metal mesh attached. So I went ahead and got stuff for Phase 2 and a bale of hay to get my compost started (hay is “browns”). Phase 2 will be the fronts. Then Phase 3 will be the Lid. So Qubie was loaded up.

Side note: Garvin’s Feed and Seed had a black cat in the store that was a sweetheart! She came up to me for attention while I was looking around. She demanded pets. She even let me pick her up and I explored all of the store carrying her around and petting her while she purred. I only put her down when it was time to check out.

Hopefully nothing is living in that bale of hay cause it’s living in my car now.

Then on to Home Depot. I got a circular saw! Yes, I’m just gonna start buying tools so I can stop begging everyone for their tools. I will slowly build up a tool collection. The one with a storage bag was $40 more. So I didn’t get that one. But a toolbox that would fit it was $50. So Sterilite steps up to the plate! Look at this shit! And since it’s clear, I can tape the front of the sales box to it and it will be so clear what’s in there. I’m so smart. S-M-R-T.

Time to go home? Nay. We have to drop off our refills from the doctor cause Mrs C needs her crazy pills. Perimenopause is kicking my ass so hard so I need them more than ever. So to Publix!

Shit, I guess this goes in the front now. Qubie is carrying her weight.

Lastly, I leave you with this. Check out these fungus things growing outside of my psychiatrists office. I bet some of you would eat this shit. Nasty. BLUE CHEESE IS LITERALLY JUST MOLDY CHEESE.

Saturday Round-Up

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Let’s start this post like I started my day. With Louie’s disapproving look.

He just sat like this and stared at us while we chatted in bed before getting up. This was not the pose of him being disrupted or in movement. He’s chillin’ and appauled. He hates when I don’t get up right away. Which is always.

He doesn’t want pets — no. In fact, if I pet him, he will move further away. He wants me to get up. I need to put food in his bowl that he’s not gonna eat right now cause he’s too spoiled with his evening half a can of wet food. Then we have to go outside. He might have to come in early to poop. Otherwise, he want’s to nom some grass and barf. Then I can do my thing while he does his thing in the vicinity. As long as I’m not in bed.

Currently I’m on the laptop on the couch and he’s like just sleeping in the middle of the carpet over there. This is why he wants me out of bed.

I know everyone says get him a friend. But like, I don’t think he’d like a friend at this point. He’s a ham and demands to be the center of attention. Like if you come over to visit my house, he wants to be loved. You’re his new best friend. Because everyone must worship his soft belly. But if you visit too much, or live here, he’ll be over somewhere about 10 feet away. Another cat would probably bother him. And take away the valuable spotlight. Also, he wouldn’t be getting that expensive ass food if I had two cats. I can’t afford to worship two cats. I can lavish one cat.

Look at this adorable acorn I found!

Isn’t it cute and tiny? I haven’t found a random acorn in ages. I loved finding these when I was little. I’m gonna plant it by the giant tree stump in our front yard.

Halloween is the DEVIL

Facebook advertised these super religious trunk-or-treat decorations to me. “Ain’t no ghost but the HOLY GHOST!” That ghost one cracks me up. But hey, at least these people want to still let the kids have fun in costumes and get candy. So props. Like, I guess getting candy from strangers cars instead of houses is less Satanesque.

After typing that sentence though, isn’t this the PERFECT trap? Like a venus fly trap? Like “hey kids — we have candy — it’s Halloween, we’re just religious. Here take a full sized candy ba… **SHOVES KID IN AND CLOSES THE HATCH**

Yall don’t read that if you’re the scared that Halloween will kill your children type. Come on, at least give them this.

And if you’re the type of mom I’d be — give them this until sundown when they can hit up the neighborhoods. That’s right, rake it in, my little pumpkin. Let’s go to the rich neighborhood next. Of course you don’t have to go to school tomorrow. You’re probably gonna be barfing because you ate half that shit. Fuck what your teacher says. THIS IS HALLOWEEN, DAMMIT. It’s one goddamn day. Oh hey, do you need me to tape that back on your costume? Come here, I’ve got tape and we can plug in the glue gun if we need to. I’ve got some trim we can cover that up with. Is my hat on straight? Awesome. Yeah, I know — dads lame. Next year we’ll have to blackmail him. Maybe we could all be Marvel characters! I got him to be Tony Stark once. You gotta start working him in like August.

And here’s my Monstera!

I got it a fucking grade A grow light handing from the second floor. It’s very happy. It’s my favorite. Don’t tell the others. Like the prayer plant is my second favorite. But of course I love you too, my sweet jungle cacti! String of Bananas, we’re working on our relationship. I know, you’re doing fucking amazing. But like, you need something on top. I might get you like a topiary ball frame or something to wrap around before you trail down. I’m working on it.

Fixed It!

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This week we had a wind storm come through. It was really weird. We were outside for part of it watching it. It actually created waves in the pool. It also took out a fence section. Sheared a fence section right off! The posts held sure. The section next to it was sheared on one side but didn’t come completely off because it was stuck in the ground on the bottom.

So that’s a problem. Louie now has a routine of going outside every morning which was my driving force. Also, legally, I am required to keep my pool fenced in and locked at all times. Because lawfully, it’s a death trap that attracts children and stupid people to drown. So if you drown in my unsecured pool, it’s my fault. It’s like I dug a big well and didn’t cover it up. Really, it’s a legal pain because I have to lock my fence and I can only lock it from one side. Next fence I’m upgrading to something I can unlock from either side.

The point is, I had to fix it. Fences are crazy expensive. In the current economy, wood prices are insane! INSANE! And Husband hates this fence, so no point in hiring the fix out. Plus it would cost a lot to have someone out. So I decided to fix it myself. I could totally bandaid it. The section was still held together, just not in place. So, with a few bandaids, I could stick it back up! Like fence stitches or staples. I got this.

So to Home Depot we go. I say we because K2 came for some errand hanging. Husband didn’t help. He was skeptical. I needed wood. For multiple projects. For this one, I needed 12 lengths of whatever to reattach my fence. But there was a big problem. Their saw was down. I rely on Home Depot to cut my wood to length. Not only do I not have tools, but the Sonic aint a big vehicle. I can’t shove an 8 foot board in there.

So we have a helpful associate. I explain the problem. Super nice guy. He doesn’t have anything precut in 4 foot lengths that would work. He offers to sell me a very reasonably priced circular saw and I could cut it myself in the parking lot. I wasn’t against this plan. I ask if he would help me cut it if I bought the saw. He said he couldn’t because he was working. So I ask if I can use their saw table to cut it. He wasn’t sure there was even a plug over there (there isn’t in the parking lot either), so he said hang on. And this is where he heroed out.

He went a got a circular saw. He wasn’t supposed to use it, but he’d do it. So we grabbed the wood, and I helped so we could get it knocked out as fast as possible without getting caught. I warned him one of his coworkers gave him a nasty look and he asked who. It was an old guy. He pointed to a woman within eyesight. He said that’s his manager so if she doesn’t say anything, it’s fine. Guy was amazing.

I had him write down his name so I could give him shout outs and call the store manager. He asked if I was serious. I was like yes, I’m fucking serious. I’ve worked in retail! So he wrote down his name and I slipped him some cash “for any grief he might get from his coworkers.” I left a google review WITH photo about how amazing he was by name and how thrilled I was with my Home Depot experience. It’s already got 2 likes. I’m actually a google guide because I’ve done a lot of reviews so my review gets priority showing AND the photo boosts it too. That you Travi! I also filled out a store survey AND emailed the store owner directly. I hope he gets a bonus or something.

So, with Travi’s help, I had my stitches.

Now to fix the fence. This next photo shows what needed to be repaired. One section (the red X) was completely gone. The red zig zag shows a section that had completely broken off but remained standing.

That fence section was actually surprisingly and deceptively heavy. Me and husband are out of shape, but damn. Also, it hadn’t been directly on the ground so wedging it back in between the posts was no simple task. There was a lot of donkey kicking. Like seriously, I just donkey kicked it a lot. There was also a hammer and rubber mallet involved. Then while husband held it in place, I could screw in the new bandaids.

Louie supervised:

Louie also used the new magic portal to wonder around the side yard while we shimmied the section back in place. So Husband did have to go grab him before we sealed it back off:

I’m really damn proud of myself! This thing is way more secure than it was before. I also did three stitches on the inside at the top of the three joins for extra strength.

If I paint these, you wouldn’t even notice the repairs. I asked husband to paint them but he won’t because he doesn’t care enough and he hates this fence anyway. He also wasn’t keen at first on me patching the outside of the fence because the neighbors would see it. But I’d rather the neighbors look at it than have to look at it myself. So I asked him to paint it. No go. He doesn’t care THAT MUCH.

I might paint it. I had intended to. But husbands apparently not gonna appreciate if I do or don’t so why should I? He will literally never see it anyway. It sucks when you’re so proud of yourself for something and only get a lackluster response. I’m pretty disappointed that there’s not more enthusiasm at my abilities, genius, and carry through. I saved us hundreds of dollars here. I fixed A FENCE. Within days of the fallen panel. Can I get some adoration?

Don’t get me wrong. I know husband is thankful and appreciative and thinks I’m awesome. We just don’t have the same love languages at all. He’s not big on overloading praise. His mom was more impressed than he was. Yes, I texted his family and my friends to be like LOOK! I FIXED IT! Because I need some “oh wow, you rock!” Kinda love. I’m needy. But at the same time, I think I deserve it. Come on, I FIXED IT!

It Keeps Spiraling

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The BABIES!

If I turn into a crazy plant lady propagating shit to hoard and sell online, this is where it started. Right here.

Look at these little adorable babies. I made these. Free plants. They’re cuttings from my other plants. LITTLE BABIES! On the left, you’ve seen my Fishbone Cactus scrap cuttings. They’re doing well. And on the right we have K’s prayer plant. She requested a cutting of mine. I didn’t want to cut it, but she did cut her Christmas Cactus for me so…

It actually worked out for the better. I had three vines just growing all lopsided and sloppy. I snipped off one vine and made 5 cuttings. Then, I actually staked the other two vines. So my original plant actually looks better than ever! It’s all spread out and just popped out three new leaves! And LOOK AT THIS ADORABLE BABY! So adorable! I love it. I wants to keep it. I don’t need it and I don’t do unglazed terracotta. It’s just adorable. It’s also the only 2 cuttings that rooted. Yeah, this one didn’t take well. I used rooting hormone and everything. 40% survival rating. So I put the two survivors together here.

My little babies!

I actually rooted some of the Christmas Cactus of Friendship for K2 earlier. Now it’s on to the third friend in the chain! All three of those cuttings grew great roots. I watered them last weekend while K2 was on vacation and all three cuttings had baby leaves already! So fun! Baby plants! Free plants!

PUMPKINS!

Also, right on time, Publix has their pumpkins out! So normally I would have bought a few. But I already have my own pumpkin display!

These are the guys that survived the Great Pumpkin Massacre. Obviously squash bugs kicked my ass this year. And there was a huge learning curve. So my harvest wasn’t huge. And then…well, the massacre. That’s why there are so many super teeny tiny white pumpkins. The massacre halted their growth and they tiny. But adorable.

However, three of the vines have started putting out again so I think I’ll get a few more pumpkins! I will do a post at the end of the season and show all of them and everything I got from each vine. Believe me, I’ve taken tons of photos. I love pumpkins (have you seen my tattoo? There’s two main pumpkins, a Jack-O-Lantern lid on my shoulder and a big pumpkin vine on my back)! Lots of lessons learned this year. But to think — this is from SIX PLANTS. Six tiny little seeds. Six seeds made all this! Did it cost more than the Publix pumpkins? Yes. Was it hard? Yes. Did I cry? Yes. Am I so proud? Hell yes. My pumpkin babies! It’s like magic. Like six tiny little seeds in some dirt made all these. Like how? MAGIC IS HOW.

Composting

What else? Oh, I’m going to start composting now. I’ve been toying with the idea this season. Mainly just because of dirt storage. I usually over winter my summer plant dirt in pots or a bag in the garage. But you have to keep that shit watered or it becomes hydrophobic. So you literally have to water dirt. Last year was the first year I’ve ever overwintered plants. I’ll be overwintering my ferns this year and maybe the front porch plants. But I’ll still have a ton of dirt. Those pumpkins are in six 20lb grow bags. And I’m overwintering the lemon grass as rooted cuttings in water. So there’s all the dirt from them too. Dirt is expensive.

(NOTE: On second reading, yall might not know why I store dirt! Ha! Well, dirt is different all over the world. I happen to live where it’s all red clay. Like my outside dirt is red clay. It’s hard and it stains fucking everything. Red clay mud is the devil. So we have to buy our gardening dirt. When we plant flower beds, we buy all that dirt. Like the first time I traveled and saw a bunch of black dirt just on the ground, I was like “that’s a lot of money wasted.” So yeah, we have solid as fuck foundation dirt — but not good for the pretty plants dirt. We buy that shit. And it’s expensive.)

Also, this year I got a real eye opener in good dirt vs bad dirt. I got some super cheap dirt at first so I have a few pots with it. Then I bought two car loads of good dirt for the pumpkins and front porch. So at the plant swap, I picked up 3 miniature sunflowers. I put two on the front porch (in the good dirt pots) and one on the back stoop (in the poor dirt pot where the coleus hasn’t even done well). Holy shit. The sun is about the same. The water is about the same. But DAMN. The ones in the front have had like twenty blooms each. The back — maybe five? And that dirt won’t hold water to save its life. Even the coleus is sad in it.

So I’ve been tossing around the idea of composting. K2 jumped on it like a spider monkey because she wants to stop throwing away her food scraps. So if I compost, she can dump them here. And we have a lot of food scrap too. Come fall, I’m going to have a lot of plant scarp as well. And dirt to store. So… why not compost it? It’s not like I don’t have the ROOM.

So I’ve been learning. I learned it actually required effort, one. I mean I thought shit just rotted in a pile but no, it’s more complex than that. I learned about ratios and that it actually might require watering. Well, I had planned to chunk it in the back of our lot. But if I gotta turn this shit weekly (more like daily if I hot compost)…

In the beginning, I probably will actually hot compost when I clean up the pumpkin vines. Maybe get the yard guy to bag the clippings next cut to get started. And I’m already storing up all the brown packing paper I get for the browns. (Simplest dumb way to hot compost is apparently 50% greens to 50% browns. Stir to aerate daily or you get the sludge of death from too much anaerobic greens). And the browns need enough water to break down because brown cardboard and paper is kinda dry.

So weekly and sometimes daily effort plus water hauling? That’s not going in the back of the lot. I’m not walking all the way back there every day to do manual labor. There’s poison ivy in that grass, on all the trees, and I can’t get near the over growth. So no. It needs to be closer to the house. So I need bins. I need affordable and something husband won’t despise. (Do yall know he’s trying to say I don’t need my fancy pendant grow light for the Great Monstera? Um I do, and I will buy it anyway). So I try not to push him all the time. When it was going in the back of the lot I was gonna throw up some metal panels or something, but closer to the house I don’t want it to look like shit. So I’m doing something like this. I have this drawn up in Photoshop because I was querying local wood makers on prices:

So that design is from a kit I found, and a bunch of ideas from various youtube videos. I think the lids will actually be metal siding/roofing to keep most of the rain out, but obviously it won’t keep all of it out. Or I might still do mesh — not sure. I could even just use an old tarp and stretch it over the wood frame of the lid like a canvas. I have a clever solution for holding and closing the lids that I’ll totally show you. I’ll document my build. The sides will be the wood slats, but I bought 1/4 inch metal hardware cloth to staple all the inside edges. This will help keep the finer bits of compost in while allowing plenty of air. And I’ll do mesh on both sides of the center divider framing so there will be a good 1 inch pocket there — more air.

I really thought I could get someone local to do something cheaper than the kits online. But wood prices have skyrocketed so damn much, it’s just not gonna happen. It’s such a simple design too! The kit has all precut pieces and is expandable I figured local build wouldn’t have to do all those cuts. Wouldn’t need the dividers. Could just screw everything together on site. Nope. No one could come close to matching the kit prices.

So I’m going with the three foot composter from Cedar Wood. Did you know you need at least a 1 meter x 1 meter pile to hot compost? You do. So I’m going to buy two of these kits and bastardize it. I calculated all sorts of ways to do this. One composter plus spare parts (you can buy individual bits on the site). Two composters. A composter plus an HVAC cover. I’ve been mathing. I settled on two composter kits which I will use to create my three bin system with exactly six three-foot lengths of cedar leftover (plus a lot of spacers I won’t need). Those will probably be involved in the lids.

You can buy these kits at Home Depot so I did think to look around the internet for coupons and prices. They’re actually cheaper on almost every other site, including Lowes. But look at you, Wayfair, with the deep cut! I see you! Order placed. It will be here tomorrow.

So tomorrow I will have the kits, my plan, and the mesh. I’m sure that will take me longer than this weekend to get the sides up and the mesh in. The mesh is going to take a long time. The kit should go together nicely. Though I have a few things I want to pick up from Home Depot before I build them. Mainly some over priced prowood to cut squares to sit under the posts. I also need wood to repair the fence that blew down in the storm today anyway…

So I’m, for once, not doing it all at once. I’m going to get the frame up and contemplate the fronts and lids. I’m thinking siding (vinyl or metal?), some sort of plastic? Not sure what I want to use. I’m going to try to use the dovetail cuts in the posts for the fronts but I fear they will be too thin and I’ll need to resort to my diagram of how I would have made them if I didn’t have precut trench in the posts. So I’m gonna build it and see what I’m working with. I’m also going to see what Home Depot has and how much it costs. Because cost matters.

So yeah. I thought I was a farmer growing pumpkins! Now I’m getting into fucking composting. Good lord. Bring your food scraps over, I’ll dump them in my compost. But not yet because like, it’s not done and I don’t have freezer space. I know. I’m sad too. I’m gonna have to toss these rotten bananas. Next time, though, the rotten bananas are compost food!

The Lounge Is Open 24 Hours

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… On a dark wooden hallway, cool wind in my hair
Warm smell of catnip rising up through the air
Up ahead in the distance, I saw a shimmering light
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim, I had to stop for the night…

I’m not weird. You’re weird.

Childless cat ladies creeping around…

The Great Monstera Experiment Begins

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I know, a lot of plant posts. But, I can’t believe I haven’t posted about my Monstera! I told you about the Great Lemon Grass Experiment (they’re in rehab right now), the Great Pumpkin Experiment (we have some flowers coming back in!). Now we have the Great Monstera Experiment. And I do mean Great. Like GREAT BIG.

Back in June, we went to the plant swap. And holy shit, I won the door prize! There was a lot of stuff with the door prize (K, have you used that book giftcard?). The best part: A Monstera! Before this, I really only knew about Monsteras from them being my favorite plant in Animal Crossing. Now I HAVE one. So I had a lot to learn. I got into Monstera groups on Facebook and Reddit, followed plant people on youtube. Did I want to pole it? Whats the best pole to use? So much info.

However, June was also the month of the Washing Machine Incident. So it was July before I could actually do anything with this plant. Even re-potting it. And believe me, it needed a repot. The roots were growing through the holes in the bottom so much they blocked the drainage. I went and bought a really nice concrete planter for this baby. I wanted to upsize the pot, but not by much. And I needed the weight.

I decided I wanted to go with moss poles. Specifically: Easy D-Shaped poles. Upon inspection, I found that my Monstera actually had two plants in it (later found to be three). And those two plants were straight up facing each other. Fuck me. This sucks because it meant that to repot it with a pole, I had to separate the plants. Ugh. Here it is before the great repot. At this time, I had had it for about a month.

So I ordered some nice transparent and extendable D poles. I found the widest ones I could (I think they are five inches?), but I wasn’t sure I could get both plants on one pole. I ordered an eight pack though so I figured I would figure it out when the time came. Good thing I did that, because they needed two. Which kinda meant the plant actually got no new room since the poles took up too much space in the pot. Whatever. The good news is, I still have enough of the poles to extend three times (two foot each, but a few inches of overlap required).

I even bought the insanely expensive ethically sourced and harvested sphagnum moss straight from New Zealand. Yeah, it was fucking expensive. This free plant started costing a lot. But really, the environmental harm from sphagnum moss harvesting is devastating. Get that shit ethically, yall. They don’t HAVE to destroy the environment to harvest it. It can be done in a way that preserves the ecosystem. It’s just harder, produces less (but better quality), and therefore it’s a lot more expensive. Luckily that shit expands like crazy so I barely used any of it in this phase.

So after the insanely stressful surgery to separate the plants and tie them to the poles and do everything by the book — it looked like SHIT.

This was the trust the process part. It has to get worse before it gets better.

So, my Monstera was a mess. It had been completely turned around and the petioles were just all over the place. So I bought the Velcro plant ties. Name brand — they were WAY BETTER than the cheap shit that came with the poles. The Velcro brand plant ties are amazing — so soft against the plant. Love them. So yeah, my actual Stems are only about 5 inches at this point so there’s only so much anchoring I can do to the pole. But it is also already very thick and woody.

So.

I had to train the leaves. I did this very slowly. For each petiole, I wanted to move, I made a thick padding of paper towels folded over each other. I wrapped that loosely around the petiole and used the velcro ties to tie it to the pole. Not a lot! It was a slow process. You can’t just jerk them back. So over weeks, I’d shorten the velcro length to get them more upright.

At this point, after 2 months, I am proud to say, only one petiole is actually being supported. In fact, I can probably remove that now. It’s pretty solid. Here’s a picture from this morning:

I have not and do not plan to remove any damaged leaves. As you can tell from the picture where I brought it home (and the fact that two plants were potted facing each other), it didn’t have the best care. This wasn’t intended to be someones love project. They expected someone to take this home and slowly kill it. So the leaves are very wonky and curled in all kind of ways. One of the leaves is only a fraction of a leaf. But fuck you, I’m gonna make the most beautiful Monstera your ass has ever seen.

It’s already looking 1,000% better than it did. This month, it already spit out three new leaves! Yeah three! Turns out, there’s a tiny baby vine in there. The new leaf is only its third one. You can’t even see it in these photos. The aerial roots are taking to the moss extremely well. So glad I went with the D poles. They don’t dry out very fast. I’m sure that will change in winter — but they stay moist well over a week because they’re only exposed at the front by the plant.

Also, having used two side-by-side, they really strengthen each other as I have the zip-tied together in a few places. As it gets taller, I might need a board or metal bar on the back to keep it study and straight. But I honestly think I can get to 5 feet before I need extra support. Right now, I’m not even using a foot of the pole (well, above soil, I should say — its obviously buried in the pot). Also, I’ll have enough room for my third vine growing up!

So here, my friends, is my grand plan:

Yes! I plan to grow this motherfucker all the way up to the second story railing. I can’t go higher that that because, how would I possibly water the moss pole after it passes the second story? And eventually, it will get there. I’ve already picked out the perfect grow light and hanging bracket. I’m hoping it will go on sale for Black Friday. It’s the one that the youtuber KillThisPlant uses on his GIGANTIC indoor Monstera. (He’s who shared the Velcro tape too). It’s actually a really beautiful pendant light that I will be hanging from above. I can easily raise it but pulling in the cable length as the plant grows taller. That’s what I drew in the blue so badly on that photo mark-up. Though I acknowledge that halfway up, I might need to get a second pendant. We shall cross that bridge we we come to it. For right now, we’re using the ugly grow light I purchased to overwinter my plants last year. I measured it with a light meter and it’s putting out well over what I need to get this thing big and healthy.

Then when it gets too tall, I’ll be able to chop and prop and keep the top 8ish feet of pole and move the mother plant and keep extending. I’ve seen a lot of tutorials on how to do this and they all use moss poles. If you get enough roots in the actual pole, the plant can survive a repot with minimal stress after being cut from the mother plant. And then repeat forever.

Most of the plant youtubers don’t have the space for the giant Monstera leaves as they grow indoors and that’s what hampers them. They just can’t let them get so huge indoors. BUT I CAN! I got space. This is going to be the centerpiece of my house. My pièce de résistance. When you enter through the beautiful doors you will see Sir Bastian and this TWO STORY MONSTERA. And you will be amazed.

Shout out to the youtubers who have taught me far more than I even thought I’d want to know about Monsteras: