God Damn Amazon

“Well, my days of not takin’ ya seriously are certainly comin’ to a middle.” — Bonus for anyone who gets the ref. Seriously, Fuck Amazon. I’m tired of their Chinese knock off over priced scammy bullshit.

Review: BigMouth Floats are the BEST – Hands Down

BigMouth floats are my favorite. I love them. They send me spam emails. I clicked a spam email about a Memorial Day sale. I mean, I did lose an eggplant last year and the replacement sucked and didn’t hold air well. So I needed at LEAST one new eggplant cause those are my besties favorites.

And the watermelon ring (MY personal favorite), is a few summers old.

This is our 9th summer and I’m only on my second Watermelon — the first being replaced the summer I tried the float holder outside and it faded to yellow. And the flamingo ring’s head doesn’t hold air and the other ring is the Butterfly wings which is so Instagram worthy (LOVE the picture of mom with it!) but not practical. So, like, I need a new mesh float and ring or two.

Holy shit, BigMouth has mesh floats! They have a Pineapple, a Strawberry, and an Ice cream cone! (Edit: Looks like they used to have a Wiener Dog and a Popsicle too.)

Six feet of lounging! SCORE! I’m so tired of buying the eggplants because they’re not a brand, so you get what you get – different nozzles, different quality vinyl. Hell, even the mesh sewn on different sides. So fuck the eggplants, we’re switching. Ice cream is off theme, so I’ll take the two fruit please.

Now, I needed to grab my watermelon. Four feet of swim ring greatness. The float that led to my love of BigMouth. One, it’s huge — not just for adults, but fat adults too. Two, EXCELLENT quality shit. Their floats are a “reinforced PVC” — whatever that means. So they kinda have a matte finish and they’re a nice thick material. So let me just get my watermelon. They have a fuckton of cute swim rings, BTW — most in normal sizes and kids sizes. This year they have a brand collab with squishmallows. Adorable shit. After a few years, I’m over the adorable picture-worthy ones that have heads or trees or mushrooms sticking off them. And the jellyfish was instagram worthy but so so so non-functional. So, just a four-foot ring please…

Ooooo. This year there are tons of big rings! There’s a black and white checkerboard, the watermelon, a rainbow, a red and white lifesaver that says “for vibin’ use only,” a pink lemon(ade), a lime/lemon, and a BOMB! Fuck me, the fuse on the bomb is a cup holder. Oh my god. I know that floating cup holders are in NO WAY functional, but fuck that is adorable. I’ll take a rainbow and a bomb! (Yeah, it says “cannonball,” but cannonballs don’t have a fuse ON the cannonball. I get you though, can’t call it a bomb.)

So I put everything in my cart on the bigmouth site. Now, they have shipping fees. So lets see if Amazon can do better. I make sure I’m purchasing the floats that say “Official BigMouth Store.” The “Shipping From” section says “Amazon.” So we should be good. Free shipping means Amazon is like $5 cheaper. OK, lets do amazon.

FAIL.

So three arrive as expected (in two different shipments):

And then I had to wait on the third without an exact delivery date. Not a good sign. And here we have…

Amazon will happily send you to a third party seller to scam you without telling you about it.

One of these things is not like the others. The H2OGo Fun Lounger! Seriously, Amazon? What the actual fuck? So OK, lets start the return process, I’ll drop it off at UPS and order from the real site — it’s cool. Only, it’s not cool. Since I ordered this from a third party seller, I am not eligible for a refund from Amazon without trying to resolve it with the seller first. WHAT? So I click on message seller and it’s “JellyRoo2.”

WHAT THE FUCK, AMAZON? I made sure I was ordering from the BigMouth store and shipping from Amazon — but you hooked me up with some bullshit third party seller? Why? How? Why didn’t I know?

So I go through the third party seller return process and now I have to package it, print my label, and mail it. Then, when they receive it and verify it is the correct item (hint: IT’S NOT) — I can have my refund.

Let’s call these motherfuckers because typing this has me riled up again.

I just got off the phone with Amazon. I wanted to know how my order went to a third party seller. She told me that I purchased a similar item from a third party seller. I said no I did not. When I click on the item in my order, it takes me to the CORRECT item and look — it says I’ve already ordered it! So this product is exactly what I ordered! It says sold by BigMouth and delivered by Amazon. NOTHING ABOUT JELLYROO2.

So we back and forth. I’ll back and forth all day. And after a while, she explains that sometimes if there is a low stock (in this case 4 units), you will be connected to a third party seller for that item.

So let me get this straight.

I DID, in fact, order this from the legitimate store. When I clicked it and when I checked out, it was the legitimate store. But Amazon decided to fulfill it through a third party. Without me knowing.

…

Let me say that again in like BIG FONT:

I DID, in fact, order this from the legitimate store. When I clicked it and when I checked out, it was the legitimate store. But Amazon decided to fulfill it through a third party.

So, here you have proof of me ordering FROM THE CORRECT STORE. In the first image, you’ll see it says “purchased twice” — that’s because I’ve purchased it again — from Amazon BECAUSE NOW IT’S SOLD OUT ON THE REAL WEBSITE.

See that? And when I move over and click the strawberry, you’ll see I purchased it:

So, yes, I purchased it correctly. From BigMouth’s Amazon front. Two items on THE SAME PRODUCT PAGE from the correct store. One fulfilled correctly and one diverted to a third party seller without my permission for fulfillment.

Ok. I just. I’m stuck on that. I’m stuck. Like. What the fucking fuck? And Amazon won’t refund my money until I go through JellyRoo’s return process. All they can do is guarantee that they will not connect me to a third party seller in the future. I don’t know how they’re gonna DO THAT. Is there a software flag in there about who they scam and who they don’t? Did my account get the “open to scams” box unchecked?

All she could say was that I had to go through the third party seller, they’re sorry, it won’t happen again. I asked if Amazon would return my money if the seller doesn’t. She said yes.

So…

FUCK AMAZON. FUCK THESE CHINESE SELLERS ON AMAZON. FUCK JEFF BEZOS IN THE ASS (unless he likes it like that, in which case make him EAT SHIT. Unless he likes that too, in which case send me an email and we’ll figure something out for that MOTHER FUCKING BASTARD).

Amazon has become completely overrun by chinese bullshit knock offs. And they don’t even care. And now, no matter how careful we are to order FROM THE MANUFACTURER, we might get the knock off anyway. AWESOME.