Month: June 2021

I’m here anytime you need to talk. Except when you need to talk.

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Got a text from sister1 today. Apparently sister2 had a breakdown and spent hours telling her how she had backslid into drinking a ton and depression and she was not doing okay over moms death. We all kinda knew that (When I sat in moms bedroom chair and looked to see what she had been reading, I assumed the hard liquor wasn’t hers), but she hadn’t admitted any of it. So sister1 wanted us to be mindful and reach out and let sister2 know we love her and not tell her we know kinda way.

In this same text message thread, sister3 mentioned she cried to nephew2 about mom just this weekend. Well, fuck I was talking just yesterday to nephew2 online and told him I was super upset about moms death too. So I was like, I’ll call sister3! She ignored my call, yall. You know how you click someone off and it goes to voicemail early ’cause you clicked them off. Uhuh. So okay, I’ll call sister2. She cuts me off too with the auto text “can’t talk right now.” She ALWAYS does this. She did it to mom all the time too. So no big surprise. Okay… I’ll call sister1. No answer. FUCK ME. So I call my mother-in-law cause she loves to talk. No answer (she’s most likely working and not ignoring me. She LOVES when I call). Yall have got to be kidding me!

So I called nephew1 and chatted a while. I wanted to talk about mom but I did not. I just talked to him about what was going on with him and his life. It was still good to talk to someone. And I left work early cause I was upsetty.

INTERMISSION: Hey I told Mr C when I got home super early: “I quit! … for the day.” Haha, he had one of those mini heart attacks.

Anyway, what the fuck? Everyone’s all “I’m here for you.” Except when you actually need to talk to someone and then no one will pick up the god damned phone. It’s been hours and no return calls either. And in the text thread where sister3 mentioned crying about it this weekend, she was like “I’m glad we all still think of her.” Again I say to you: what the fuck? Like no, I moved on. I don’t give a shit that my mom died on Christmas. I hardly think of it. Certainly not EVERY FUCKING DAY. What a shitty support net I have.

AND NOW, THIS…

God, that mug humored me so much when I saw it earlier in my Facebook Feed. “Bitch, I will put you in a trunk and help people look for you.” That’s good. I’ve never heard that. They had so many good ones too. (The picture links to Piper & Lou who sell these epic mugs.)

Missing Mom

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I tried to make myself a little less of a potato of depression and anxiety today. I got in the pool. But it just made me miss mom. I miss her insanely dark skin that smelled like Nivea. I miss talking about life while we floated in the pool. I miss joking about her flip flop tan lines she was trying to even out. I miss fetching her peanut butter crackers and peach wine while she sat on the tanning ledge. She should be there on the tanning ledge while I cool off inside. But she’s not. She won’t ever be again.

Ungrateful Cat.

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I’ve been up since 4:00. Couldn’t sleep. Partially because I took naps yesterday (multiple), partially because of bad dreams. Most of the bad dreams were the night before last — hence the naps yesterday. I knew I was dreaming but I kept waking in a house that wasn’t my own. It would seem like mine but I’d figure it out and then be tortured to death. I’m pretty sure my hand was grinded off at some point with a powertool. I’m trying to forget. I was stuck in a loop of dreams. I think I even had to forgive my father at some point trying to figure out what whoever was doing this to me wanted just to get out of the loop. It was rough. I’m not joking about grinding a bloody stump arm either. I’m trying hard to forget that part. Did I mention I’ve been depressed?

I had some maybes for coming to the pool to hang out with me but I got stood up. So I just napped instead. Me and Mr C hung out though. And I cooked chicken for supper. I went to bed late but woke at 4:00. Lame.

I changed out the litter closet this weekend. Yes, my precious has his own bathroom. It even has a cat door and a bathroom ventilation fan. He is my precious, after all. I completely changed out one litterbox for a new one and cleaned the second one up. Yes, he has two litterboxes in his swanky litter closet. He likes the pee in the left one and poop in the right one.

I did this so I could switch cat litters. I’ve mentioned a million times that he tracks cat litter all over the place. Ugh. A work friend suggested I try Fresh Step: Clean Paws. Well, I’ll try something new, sure. So I cleaned everything up and switched out to a completely new cat litter. Even put in new carbon filters. Hope it works. So far it clumps OK enough. But it’s much heavier and harder to sift through to scoop since the pieces are so much bigger. But I hope it keeps him from tracking a small white line of litter down the hall.

Did I mention when I was carrying out the cat litter, the bag had a hole and left a trail of dirty cat little from my back door to the pool gate? Cause it happened.

At least I was up early enough to give him his medicines and breakfast with no screaming banshee over my head. It went alright until he barfed it all up on the rug. Complete with undigested expensive kidney pill sitting right there on top.

Fuck me.

The things we do for the little fuzzy shits we love.

Animal Crossing: Buying Love: Success!

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After months of bribing my fellow Animal Crossing: New Horizons villagers, I have all of their love. You see, when you give them gifts, they like you. When you become friends, they give you things back. When you reach maximum paid-friendship, they might even give you a photo of themselves. YES. At top-level friends, you can get your own photo of them to remember how much you love them.

After over a year of playing, I have all of their love! Yes, all ten of my villagers love me. I have photographic (do screenshots count?) proof! Look below to see every villagers house which has a little table out front with their own photo on it.

Here’s is Eugene’s house. He’s very hip and gives a fake-beach vibe. So he has fake palm tree lamps outside his house. And there’s Fauna. She seems really prim and proper so she grows hybrid orange roses.

And here is Ankh’s house. She’s an Egyptian cat. So she has fancy hybrid roses and lilies along with a pyramid and statue. Then there’s Maple. She’s a bear so she has log furniture. It makes sense in my head.

Here’s Mint. She was a bitch of a holdout. It took me forever to get her photo. She has a table and chairs because, well, I was uninspired by her. Savannah here was a late comer to my island. She has a swing.

Lucky! Lucky is a zombie dog so he has Halloween colors in his yard flowers. Also I have DOUBLE LUCKY PHOTOS. Hell yeah, I got his photo twice! He was the first one to be my paid-friend. So I go his photo. Then I accidentally let him move away from my island. I was heart broken so I borrowed D’s amiibos and got him back. But it was an imposter Lucky. He didn’t love me. So I had to work my way up to get fake Lucky’s photo too.

Also there’s Hopper. He’s a cranky old penguin and I love him. Since he’s a cranky old man, I gave him a lawn that is permanently in a state of maintenance.

Lastly, we have Apple and Roald. Apple has an Apple tree and pink flowers. The pink flowers are a hold-over from the previous resident who was a pink gorilla. Roald is a “jock” type penguin. So he has a basketball hoop and pool.

It’s impressive isn’t it! They all have perfectly lined up houses in the little 8×5 plots of land so they all have their own little yards. Feel free to take inspiration for your own island.

Some Things 06/24

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1) Why does Jello come in such small containers. This small 4ish ounce thing of Jello is ten calories. Who is just going to eat one of these? Can I get a BOWL of Jello? I’m a fucking adult here. And put some whipped cream on there.

2) I ordered a temporary tattoo of my goomba to try it out. They only do black and white and I’d get color — but I can wear it for a week or two and see how I like it. It came from Ink Box (Clicky). A work buddy has been using it to perfect the design and placement of her next tattoo. They last a week or two and you can do custom designs. So I got a small 8-bit Goomba to try out. Who knows, maybe I’ll get it for my Bday.

3) We’re going River Tubing! I’m getting a group together to go in late July. I’m so excited about it! I just bought two river rafts for it. We’re gonna drift down the river at a campground then bus back and grill some burgers — then maybe drift down the river again. I’ve wanted to go tubing for so long! K asked me about my sudden interest ’cause I never mentioned it before. But yall, tubing is perfect for me. It’s an outdoor activity that involves no effort. I just lay in a swim ring and flow with the current. It’s basically like a live lazy river. With coolers of snacks and your friends are literally tied to you. Plus we eat burgers at the end. It sounds AMAZING.

Also props to Aunt L. She has some amazing river tubes. They’re retail $60. She sent me a picture of a local store flyer that had them for $20. But local to HER not me. Amazon had the same ones for $40. So I searched the internet and found out Academy had them this week in their flyer for $20! The really good ones I’ve laid around in at the lake at her house! So I bought two, baby! And they had $10 off a purchase of $50 so I got a free 80lbs of salt for my pool. WINNING. Picked them up with curbside pickup today after work. This is gonna be so much fun!

Weight Anxiety

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I’ve been having a lot more anxiety and panic lately. I think I’ve narrowed a part of it down the the upcoming appointment with the plastic surgeon. Am I excited? Fuck yes, I am! However, I’m freaking out about my weight gain.

Since mom died. I gained some weight. That threw off my thyroid and made me super hypothyroid. Depression combined with hypothyroidism gang banged each other into over 30lbs. I’m already afraid the doctor won’t accept doing elective surgery on someone of my size (which I would like to get down to 220lbs even though I had been lower — also remember, friend – Mrs C used to be pushing 400lbs so this is a great weight).

I wasn’t extremely worried about the weight gain. I haven’t changed clothes sizes. My doctor caught the thyroid labs being off and we fixed them. I’ve dropped about 7lbs since then. I’ve remained keto throughout. So I know that, eventually, I’ll drop the excess and get back to where I want to be. I wasn’t worried about it. Now, with what feels like a deadline, I’m worried about it.

It’s also “that time of the month.” That combined with seeing a bad photo of myself has my self esteem in the negative numbers. We’re talking shit hole here. Bad. Hence the panic attacks.

I think identifying the root cause has helped a small amount. I talked to Mr C about it. And it’s just a consultation. Maybe he says he’ll do it when I drop the 17lbs to get back to 220. I’m still really excited about boobs and tattoos! Boobs and tattoos! A 3/4 sleeve, a portrait of my beloved Jack, and now I want a little goomba on my foot/ankle. I’m already getting more tattoos and I haven’t even started. YAY!

Games, Games, Games!

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Since my brother-in-law visited, we’ve been playing so much Terraforming Mars. All the Terraforming Mars. Which is great in a lot of ways. Firstly, tonight I came in second to Mr C. I’ve been getting my ass kicked pretty hard, but I had a solid showing tonight. Second, we’ve dropped a lot of on this game. Between the actual game and every single expansion including the new “big box,” I’m easily into this game for $250. With optionals like board trays and new game markers, might be closer to $300 or $350. No regrets.

You know we collect board games? Well, if you didn’t know, we collect board games. We love having friends over for games. I designed our house and we specifically made room for a large dining table with loads of room around it for moving around. In our old apartment, everyone was trapped. God forbid someone have to get up to go to the kitchen or bathroom. Here, you have all the room you could want. We can even set up extra card tables for shit like Eclipse. Eclipse is too much for me.

Terraforming Mars, however, is an excellent game. It’s won awards for best game. Check it out on Board Game Geek (clicky). It has lots of awards in languages I don’t even understand. That’s because it’s a hell of a solid game. It takes a few hours (which go by so much faster with experienced players like M & A tonight). It looks crazy confusing and a lot of work, but it’s not really once you learn it. I also like games where there are loads of ways to earn points so you’re not sure, until the end of the game and all points are tallied, who actually won the game. Tonight we were all sure A had it in the bag, but nope! Mr C won and I came in second. It was a big twist ending when everything was added up.

I’m also loving the Big Box expansion. It was $99 and Mr C thought it was worthless, but we’ve been glad to have it. I actually love the 3D tiles. They’re so much more fun than the cardboard chips. Also, the organization is top notch! Getting the game out and putting it away is so much quicker. Card holders with tabbed organization, cube holders, money boxes (even one for each side of the board!) – all the organization. Also means all of the expansions are in one box. A huge box, granted, but better than 5 or 6 smaller boxes with 20 million little zip lock bags.

Man we’ve been playing so much of it though! I’ve been getting burned out on it, actually. However now that we’re back to just once a week, I think we’re good. I had a work friend over last night to play and that was fun but man, playing with new people is so slow. Tonight was better. It went fast — though I was super hot for some reason — am I hitting menopause!? Nextweek is K & A. That should be fun too.

On a random, lighter note: I haven’t given up on getting every god damned villager’s photo in Animal Crossing. I will get them all. Mint is the last hold out. But the light note: Getting all the villagers to curse is, like, the best part of the game. They all say “bitches” – Roald calls me “assbutt” and a few call me “motherf*cker” (yeah, working around their preset blocked words is hard). Gawd it’s funny though. I’m easily amused by such things.

Rhaegal: the Dragon of Majesty and Scams

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I got a good one for you today, folks. I got SCAMMED. I got scammed hard and hilariously. Meet Rhaegal:

I ordered Rhaegal from the scam website freshyness.com (*Clicky* but NOTE IT’S A SCAM SITE). He was to be K’s house warming present. A regal dragon to stand in front of her new house and be decorated for various holidays. An epic creature of grace and fun.

Instead I received Rhaegal: the Inflatable Dragon of Majesty and Scams.

I saw that Rhaegal was being delivered today on USPS’s delivery dashboard. I was so excited that I showed him off to people at work. I was going to hide him in the storage closet and have K fetch a pool float from the closet when she comes over Sunday. I was so excited! Then I got home and had this awesome pool float in my mailbox. I thought someone sent me a fucking sweet pool float as an anonymous surprise! It’s not unheard of, I send my friends little gifts and sometimes they send me little gifts. And I mean, look at it — that has me written all over it. But when I contacted everyone who might have sent it, they all denied it. That’s when it slowly began to dawn on me… this is Rheagal…

Jokes on those bitches because I love it! I would totally have bought this for the pool at a reasonable price.

Thank god for credit cards. I already contested the purchase and will have my money back in 15 days or less. FREE POOL DRAGON, bitches!

To be clear though, the website freshyness.com is a complete scam. It’s a chinese company that sells expensive awesome shit and sends you cheap, but still kinda awesome shit. Don’t buy anything from them. And always use a condom. I mean Visa card.

Not a speaker review

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So I bought a bluetooth speaker for the pool. Nothing extravagant, just a little speaker. I was going to write my review for it here. I’m trying to get a post AND an Amazon review out of my reviews. However, this one would start rather depressingly if I were honest. Not exactly good for the helpful votes. See I bought the speaker, because I’m lonely.

I’ve said many times that mom was my pool buddy. I’ve been worried about missing her a lot so one thing I did was buy the speaker. That way I could have music by the pool. And it works. It’s less lonely singing along to my Pandora station while I float around. But I still miss mom. And yet, I feel I don’t miss her enough.

I suppose it could be massive amounts of antidepressants, of course. But I feel like I’m just not sad enough. Yet, there is an infinite sadness if I stop long enough to look for it. It’s so weird. It’s like I don’t miss her in my day to day. My day to day goes on. I do what I do. It’s like life has not changed (even though, rationally, it has) — like she was just deleted all of the sudden. Like maybe she was never there — just *poof* gone.

There doesn’t seem to be an intrinsic piece of evidence of her existence. Sure there’s pictures and her room and her urn… But those are only evidence someone existed. They’re evidence a human was here. Of course I had a mother. Bot there’s not evidence that SHE was here. That that special person I had was here. And I feel like my continuing on day to day without more mourning than I have is a injustice to her. Like an insult. Like she can be replaced by a radio.

There’s no epic conclusion. I don’t have some wrap-up planned here. Much like life, this post doesn’t really end. It’s just me blabbering about.

Grief is weird. And there’s no one to point me in the right direction.

Plastic Surgery?

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So I’m (maybe?) starting a plastic surgery journey! This is my first post. Notice the new category 🙂

So I’ve wanted plastic surgery for a long time. I’ve been fat all my life. I was almost 400lbs when I went to college. I had gastric bypass surgery in 2005 and wanted surgery to remove excess skin then, but had no way to afford it. Over the years I gained most of the weight back — up to 320lbs. Then, 3 years ago, I went keto and lost most of it again. I’m currently a happy 234 (hoping to get back down to 220). I fit in a womens XL which is easy to find and buy anywhere and I’m a little smaller than when I met Mr C. So win! I know I’m still medically considered obese, but im a good obese. And compared to 400 — I’ll take it!

So I still want skin surgery. My arms are a disaster and my stomach is a lumpy mess.

It’s been stated that I would have this surgery but a time frame was never put on it. One of my friends even jokes about the cake we’re going to have at my boob coming out party! And I joke all the time about “when I get my boobs.” Recently, I was asked what I’m waiting for by my husband. And well, I didn’t know it was an option. We’re so focused on saving money and, well, saving money — that it didn’t occur to me I could do it before we met a few more goals. Then bro-in-law also asked what I was waiting for. So… I booked a consultation.

I asked for recommendations on some weight loss forums and reddit. The main guy everyone recommended only does people below 185lbs. Well, that’s not happening. Sure I could work my ass off (literally) to get to that, but what’s the point if I can’t maintain that weight? I want to look good at this weight.

So Mr C and I are seeing our second choice surgeon in August! I know that sounds so far away, but I wouldn’t have the surgery while the pools open anyway. I wouldn’t be able to maintain the pool, one. And two, I wouldn’t be able to use the pool. Also, this lines up with the job switch coming up in October — so maybe this is Gods timing working out for me!

I want to have 3 surgeries (hopefully combining at least two): Arms, stomach, boobs. My stomach and my arms bother me the most, by far. But I’m not sure they can combine those two. I suspect the way we will go is a “mommy makeover” first – which is torso (stomach and boobs) followed by a separate arm surgery. Not sure they can do all three at once. Highly doubtful.

I showed Mr C the before and after shots on the surgeons page and we were both blown away. So I’m super excited. And it feels really good to have something on the horizon that I’m super excited about too. So many possibilities! Finally getting that 3/4 sleeve tattoo! Our 10 year anniversary pictures in my old wedding dress, adjusted for a much smaller me with bigger boobs! All the fantastic sleeveless 50s dresses! I’m very excited.