TLDR: I’m just here for the recipe, bitch. Get some boxes of sugarfree jello. Replace half the water required with heavy cream that’s been whipped to stiff peaks.
I made my first jello mold! I’ve been obsessed with this orange creamsicle jello lately. Obsessed. It’s keto friendly, fruity, summery, and extremely refreshing. I’ve been just making it in a ceramic bowl with lid. However, for Fourth of July, I wanted to make it into a more presentable molded dessert. So I ordered a bundt pan! Look at that beautiful baby. It’s jiggly and perfect! I’m pretty sure I ate 90% of it, but whatever. That shit was delicious.
Math. Each jello box needs 2 cups of water according to box directions. We’re replacing HALF of that water with cream. So each box needs 1 cup water and 1 cup cream. I used 4 boxes which ended up fitting perfectly in my 12 cup bundt pan. (Remember, whipping the cream will add volume). So I need 4 cups water and 4 cups cream.
Boil water. You want to be able to cool off this water with ice before you mix it with the cream, so only boil half of it. I boiled 2 cups water in the microwave.
Melt Jello powder in boiling water. Mix well.
Mix Jello with the remaining amount of ice water to cool it off. Set aside.
In another bowl, whip heavy cream to peaks.
Add Jello to whipped cream and whip until completely mixed.
Pour into GREASED Bundt pan or bowl or your choice. Refrigerate until set.
NOTES:
You can use a hair dryer to heat up the bundt pan and slip that baby right out. I used wet paper towels that I kept warming in the microwave until it released. Hair dryer would have been easier.
How much you whip it determines how fluffy it will be. You can optionally not whip it at all and end up with a jello/yogurt texture.
Use whatever flavor Jello you want! Don’t like orange? How about Strawberry? Lime? Lemon? Cherry?
Mr C’s favorite dessert is Chocolate Mousse. Not some simple chocolate mousse you can buy. No, you gotta go French chef on that shit. You gotta use ALL your mixing bowls on that shit. And most importantly: the “chocolate wafer cookies” must be Oreos with the cream scraped out. Why? Because he was raised with someone willing to make shit like this, that’s why. You’ll scrape the cream out of those Oreos for love. Exactly once a year only. Because fuck that.
Now, the first and most important step of this recipe is to let everyone know that the Oreos are not to be eaten. Oh ha ha, you think I’m joking or rambling for SEOptimization? No, I haven’t got a single search engine hit on this blog yet. I’m fucking serious. You let EVERYONE know not to eat the fucking Oreos. You know why? Because if you don’t, then when your guest wants a midnight snack, they’re gonna see Oreos left out on the counter and be like “awesome, Oreos.” They’ll eat a tasteful five or so, because they’re just a guest. But then the next morning everyone will see the Oreos are open on the counter and eat those sons of bitches because Oreos and milk, am I right?
Then the next morning, when your guest wakes up after you cheerily told them to make themselves at home the previous night. They’ll find out that they are in trouble for eating the Oreos. They’ll be horrified that literally everyone staying in the house knows they ate the Oreos because their future Mother In Law already raged and accused each of them individually of eating the Oreos that your fat ass ate. Your future husband will be like “we’ll get more later” because he doesn’t realize his mother be crazy. And she will then proceed to get very angry and insist that he go get the Oreos now. And they’ll have a fucking argument about it. An argument that ends with your fat ass riding along with your future husband to get more Oreos when you haven’t even had breakfast. You’ll be mortified for days because this is your first impression on your future family. That you’re fat and ate the Oreos.
Step two: Scrape the cream out of the Oreos. Don’t try to cheat and use some chocolate cookies without cream in them or some off-brand. Everyone knows what Oreos taste like and your ass will be called out. They must be Oreos. I used to be super picky about making sure I got ALL the cream off, but it’s not bad to leave a bit here and there. I just slide the cookies apart and scrape off the side that got the major chunk of the cream. Sit down with the TV on or someone on speaker phone and use a butter knife to start scraping. You’ll get in the groove. It’s cool. You only have to do this once a year.
Optional Step three: Make an Oreo cream snowman for your cat. It’s cute and funny. Don’t let him eat too much though, because diabetes is real. Like just a few licks for the funnies.
Step four: Get out all of your mixing bowls. Fucking all of them. Embrace that this dessert is a huge pain in your ass and you’re gonna be cleaning a lot of bowls. One of these bowls will need to be heat proof (like pyrex, for instance). You’ll also need a pot that is smaller than the heatproof bowl. You know what those last two things make? A double boiler. Yeah. The first time I made this shit I actually borrowed a double boiler. You don’t need to own a double boiler because it’s just a heat proof bowl over simmering water. You can make that with what you already own.
Step five: follow the recipe. Oh wait I’m kidding! The recipe doesn’t include half the shit you actually need to know to follow it. That’s because everyone who has made it over the years learned important things and tid bits that aren’t included in the recipe your now official Mother In Law emails you. Don’t worry fam, I’m here for you. I’ve made this shit over a dozen times now.
Shit you should know:
When heating up chocolate, use a double boiler. I already told you how to make your own. Now, you DON’T want to overheat the chocolate. You want to the chocolate to keep its “temper” That’s what makes it pretty and shiny and gives it a nice clean snap and perfect texture. It’s important in recipes too. So chocolate loses its temper around 110 degrees. So get it up to the 95 the recipe requires, but don’t let that shit go above 110. You don’t need to keep it over the heat until it’s all melted. The bowl holds in heat so once most of it is melted, pull it off and just stir until it all melts. This way you avoid over heating.
You seized the chocolate, didn’t you? It happens. I did it once. It’s not a loss! Add small amounts of cream while heating it to break down the fat molecules and bring that shit back together. Fat dissolves fat. Cream is fat. Thank you, Alton Brown. You probably already whipped the cream anyway, just spoon in a small bit of it and stir over heat until you get it back. Don’t worry about diluting the chocolate, whatever cream you use here, just subtract it from the whipped cream you’ll be mixing in. Just use small amounts until you have just enough to bring it back together. Your husband won’t notice, promise. You lost the temper, but you’ll do better next time.
When I’m separating the egg whites, I go ahead and blend the whole eggs, egg yolks, Kahlua and instant coffee so they can sit while I’m making everything else so the instant coffee can fully dissolve. I do this in the big bowl everything will get folded into in the end. Then temper it with the melted chocolate and add the chocolate to that. I’ve seen some recipes where the coffee and liquor is added in while the chocolate is melting. Either way, I don’t like to wait until everything is coming together to add the coffee (as the recipe calls for) — it doesn’t dissolve all the way.
Not a tip, but invest in an egg separator. It’s worth it. You’ll use it lots. Mine is an anthropomorphic egg. It’s kinda morbid if you think about it.
The recipe isn’t specific about what type of chocolate to use. I go semisweet.
When I’m separating the eggs, I actually separate one more egg white out. (The recipe calls for 2 eggs to be left whole, I separate one of those). This means I haven’t altered how many eggs or egg whites go into the recipe. However, now I can mix it a lot more without worrying about losing the airiness of the whites. If you don’t mix it thoroughly, you’ll see white bits when you cut it. It doesn’t throw off the taste but come on, presentation is important when you work this hard.
Cream whips faster when it’s cold. Really cold. Tip: put a metal bowl and the beaters in the freezer before hand. Whip the cream in that.
I have never made the topping nor have I seen anyone else make it. It’s totally unnecessary. I’m just copy/pasting the recipe so you have it if you want it.
Whiffletree Chocolate Mocha Mousse
Crust: 2 c. chocolate wafers, crushed (11 oz. box =2 c.) ½ c. unsalted butter, melted
Filling: 1 lb sweet chocolate 2 whole eggs at room temperature 4 egg yolks at room temperature 4 egg whites at room temperature 2 c. whipping cream 2 tsp. instant coffee ¾ oz. Kahlua liquor
1. To make crust blend wafers and butter together and press in bottom of a 13 inch spring form pan.
2. Filling: heat chocolate over double boiler until completely melted. Remove from heat and let stand until chocolate comes down to 95 degrees. DO NOT ALLOW CHOCOLATE TO GET TOO COOL.
Whip egg whites at medium speed until stiff but not dry. Whip cream at medium speed until stiff. (Use separate bowls for egg whites and whipping cream).
In another bowl mix chocolate at medium speed. Add whole eggs, then egg yolks, coffee and Kahlua. Mix thoroughly. Add 2 tbsp. whipped whites and 2 tbsp. of whipped cream and continue to mix.
Remove from mixer and fold whites, whipped cream and chocolate mixture together and spoon mixture into pan. REFRIGERATE OVERNIGHT
Topping: blend ingredients and whip at medium speed. Spoon on top of slices to serve.
Mr C’s birthday is tomorrow which means: CHOCOLATE MOUSSE! Wait no. Usually it means chocolate mousse. This year he wants Aunt Ks lemon tart. The tartiest tart of them all. The one that makes your face pucker just looking at it. I have no idea how he likes it so much. But OK. We tart.
I cheated this year and used a premade pie crust instead of making my own. Fail. The premade pie crust is so thin and doesn’t give the cookie kinda thick texture this baby needs. You gotta have something substantial with that tart. Jesus, how do yall eat this?
When I finished the custard last night it was delicious. So sweet and lemony. But after setting up in the fridge, holy moly. I served him a slice and had a bite. All of me puckered and an eye twitched. I can’t do it. Give me ghost pepper spices but good lord give me more sugar with my lemons. It sounds like there’s a ton of sugar in this recipe, but remember this is all pure lemon juice and zest. No water, no cream, just lemon. I got two thumbs up on the custard but two thumbs down on the crust. Contemplating making a new crust and scooping the custard into that. (Tart picture from previous cooking where I made the crust. It looks better too).
Here’s the recipe for those of you following along at home. This filled two regular pie crusts.
Lemon tart pastry shell
2 c flour
12 T butter, chilled 6 T sugar
1 large egg beaten
pinch of salt (if using salted butter skip this)
In a medium sized bowl, combine the flour, sugar and salt. Using a pastry blender or two knives, cut in butter until the mixture resembles fine meal. Add the egg and mix until just combined. Gather into a ball. Flatten slightly. Wrap with plastic wrap and refrigerate for at least two hours. Roll pastry on a lightly floured surface to a thickness of 1/8″. Fit into a 10″ tart pan. Trim edges. Preheat oven to 375. Line crust with foil shiny side down that has been sprayed with Pam. Fill pie crust with pie weights or dried beans. Bake about 20 minutes. Remove the weights and foil and continue baking until crust is lightly browned about 10-12 minutes. If dough is too dry and does not form a ball well, add a little milk – one teaspoon at a time. The crust can be made the night before to make things easier on the big day.
Lemon Tart
2 c fresh lemon juice, about 12-14 lemons
1-1/2 c sugar
6 oz (1-1/2 sticks) butter at room temp
6 large eggs
6 large egg yolks
1/4 c lemon zest
To make the custard, combine the lemon juice and sugar in a heavy, medium-sized stainless steel saucepan. Bring to a boil over high heat; then simmer. Remove from heat. In a medium bowl, combine eggs, egg yolks and lemon zest. Whisk small amount of the hot syrup into the egg mixture. Return saucepan to medium heat. Constantly whisk the custard while cooking. Occasionally stir with a rubber spatula to ensure the custard is not sticking. Cook until thickened to coat the back of a spoon heavily. (If you run your finger across the spoon and the top layer stays put and does not run across the open space it is done.) Remove from heat and whisk in the butter tablespoon by tablespoon until silky smooth. Pour through a fine sieve into crust, fill to top. Refrigerate until firm, about 4 hours.
Fuck me, I’m gonna go make a real crust and dump the custard into that. I can’t live with this kinda failure.
UPDATE: This is what short cuts get you. I fixed it though. New crust.
