Category: Recipes

2024 Christmas Gingerbread House

Posted on | by cursingcats.com | 1 Comment on 2024 Christmas Gingerbread House

Do you just want a recipe? I mean this isn’t a recipe POST, but fuck it, click here to skip it all.

We Doin’ It

Last year, K2 and I did more elaborate gingerbread houses than usual. We stepped up our game. We still did kits, but we were more elaborate with decorations. Then, for Halloween, K2, K, and I went all in on Halloween houses. We made them FROM SCRATCH. I just went to grab you a link and I did not post it. I suck. Probably because deciding which pictures to use (meaning: not posting all 30 angles and combining some in photoshop) and writing it up takes a while. I’ve been working on this post for 3 days. But DAMN. That one was epic so it’s coming. I’ve looked at my media files three times to make sure but — nope, there’s no photos of that uploaded. WTF?

UPDATE! I posted about the Halloween House! I highly recommend you view it — especially if you feel like my skills are beyond yours because that was a CLUSTERFUCK. A true story in thriving in difficulty and overcoming adversity. I mean it was a hot fucking mess but came out better than this one!

Anyway, so for Christmas, we REALLY wanted to step it up. I went all out on Halloween because that is my favorite. K and K2 just did regular house shapes. But I went ALL IN. We did it all from scratch and they were great. So we decided to do it again for Christmas, obviously. This time K and K2 upped their game and I’m reeling mine in a bit. I decided to simplify from the Halloween elaboration. I wanted to do a church with a steeple. Nice, but not the complexity of the Adams Family House. Plus I’ve done this before. Big house shape plus tiny house shape for steeple. Bam.

So here we go:

Day 1: The Bakening

Since these are from scratch, we had one day scheduled just to get them baked. For the Halloween houses, we made three batches of dough but didn’t use it all up by far. So this time we started with three batches. I also died it brown to get some color. I had far fewer (so so so fewer) pieces to make on mine, but K and K2 scaled up a lot, so that wasn’t enough. So we made another two batches (we might have made a third too). Pretty sure K2 had to go to the store for more eggs, but we had no choice — no way were we gonna get close. We didn’t have brown dye left, so from there, the gingerbread pieces all had a very cool swirl effect as we combined batches. I liked it.

I think K2 came over at 4pm and I was done at 2am. Yeah. Lot of baking. I mean it took us a damn long time to get it all rolled and cut and spread all over my kitchen — but you can only fit so much on one cookie sheet and there’s only three racks in the oven. So yeah, my oven was going all night with me rotating stuff in and out. The key is a fuck ton of parchment paper and counter space.

We do paper templates and follow that for the pieces (I also keep the labeled templates to match up the pieces later when assembling). This “gingerbread” recipe has no fat in it so it doesn’t spread at all which is nice. It’s also basically concrete. It’s a pain to baby sit because it wants to curl as it cooks and dries, but it is solid as fuck. If you need to cut apart your pieces (if you have two pieces adjoining on the sheet), recut it halfway through baking because this is solid.

We learned some things from the Halloween Houses:

  • 1) This shit is so solid it does not need to be as thick as you think to be sturdy. When I tossed my Halloween house in the trash, I tried to break it apart and was unsuccessful. So I just tipped it off my counter into a bag. It hit the floor tower roof first and didn’t crack. SOLID.
  • 2) Cutting windows by hand sucks. My house Halloween house had a lot of windows. Cutting them out by hand sucked a lot. So this time, I bought a bunch of geometric shape cutters. Oh my lord, thank you. Clean, perfect cuts. I combined the tear drop and rectangle for gothic windows on mine. Circle and rectangle for arched windows on Ks. We did big and small combos for wreath shapes. K2 went fucking nuts with circles for snowmen and stars and diamond/parallelograms. Just yes, buy cookie cutters.
  • 3) Royal Icing is also concrete. We do hot-glue our houses together (cause aint nobody eating this shit). You only need to glue to hold it until the icing dries. So this time I only used a bit of glue because the icing is going to do all the holding – as evidenced by my trashing of the Halloween House.
  • 4) Caramels can be structural. My Halloween house had a fuck ton of pieces because I did a porch with stairs. I had to use caramels to fix the sides of the stairs and it occurred to me that I could have just used caramels for the stairs. It’s basically clay. It won’t hold up on its own — but you only need it to hold up until your icing dries it solid. So THIS TIME, my stairs are totally caramels. In FACT, we forgot to cut two sides for me front off-shoot so I used caramels. (One got cut, but somehow not a second one.) That’s why I had to ice over those walls when I assembled it.

So here is 2am that night before I finally went to bed! My church is the greyish one on the island (I didn’t paint the roof pieces) and K and K2s are on the counter. I also meant to have a window on the front but there was a lot of cutting happening and it just got missed. Do you see all the pieces we made?

I “painted” the Halloween House purple and loved the results so much that I had to do this one as well. I always do an over-the-top red and green candy house for Christmas houses. So I wanted to go a bit more elegant this year. I wanted an icy blue-grey for the church. I nailed it, but when I was painting it, it felt like a huge fail. It was much darker than I wanted. This dough soaks up liquid like a desert so keep that in mind. And when it dried and the white sugar came through it was perfect.

This is basically just an extremely watered down royal icing that I paint on with a brush. The Halloween House had one or two layers and this has 3 or 4. What I adore about this finish is that it takes the ugly parts and makes them shine. The marbled lighter bits are the grooves and dents and cracks and imperfections. Since more icing settles in those places, it looks lighter/closer to the icing color when it dries. So it is a gorgeous way to keep the character of real baked pieces. The key is that it is a wash, not actual icing. You aren’t icing over the pieces, just washing them with a little bit of sugar (well, royal icing with a ton of water). It should be very drippy and painted on with a paint brush. You’re basting the gingerbread. It should soak into the gingerbread. I also loves that when it dries, there is a very subtle sparkle from the sugar crystals. I just adore this method.

Making Windows

If you’ve never done windows on gingerbread houses — you are missing out! They’re so easy! Throw in some battery powered LED lights while assembling and it’s fucking magic! You just cut them out when baking. They’re filled with melted hard candy. We used jolly ranchers. Separate by colors and bang them up a bit. They don’t have to be pulverized, but break them up a bit. Pretty sure any hard candy can work. butterscotches can do a nice cabin glow.

  • Cut the windows out and then bake.
  • After the ginger bread is done (cool or hot, doesn’t matter), put it on baking paper and fill the holes with candy. Put a lot in there. When it melts it will lose a lot of the volume of the bits you just sprinkled in plus some might seep around the window on the back side. Do NOT do this with the raw dough. The candy will melt very fast and will burn long before your dough finishes cooking. Do this with finished cookie pieces only.
  • To get the stained glass effect seen here, clump colors together in piles. Watch it because it won’t take long to melt. Once they are a uniform puddle with no lines between colors, pull them out and let cool before removing from the pan. If you are quick, you could swirl the colors with a toothpick before they cool.
  • NOTE: White sugar will not even come close to melting before the candy, they don’t work together.

Day 2: Decorating and Assembling

This is a minimum two day process since you have to bake everything. Day two is assembly and decorating. It’s easiest to decorate the sides before assembling. You have a nice flat surface to work on and stick stuff to.

I used black icing to outline my windows and do the stained glass lines. I used a darker grey/blue for decorating. I did a foundation of edible ball bearings (cake pearls?). I also did some swirls to add detail. Then, I assembled with hot glue and covered all my edges, joins, and caramel walls/stairs with the grey/blue icing. By this time, K2 was done with hers, so we have a photo of Louie watching me ice a roof edge.

After she left, I worked many more hours. Silver pearl things got added around some windows to brighten up the black and in a few details to sparkle. It was also looking a bit too generic and non-Christmas. So I made a wreath to glue on later and some garland on the windows. The green bits are sour gummies cut into pieces. The red bits are from a Christmas sprinkles pack we bought last year (save your candy from year to year — no one is eating this shit).

Day 3: Roofing

I needed another day to work on mine. I had assembled the church. It was iced. So Day Three, I started with trees. They are ice cream cones wrapped with sour gummy strips. Then I decided to tackle the roof. It is cinnamon toast crunch. It took 3+ hours. Louie watched TV with me though.

I decided that was a LOT of cereal roof visually, so I added some snow drifts of shredded coconut. I love them! Were they perfect? Hell no. But you know what? You can just pull off whole sections of cereal you fucked up with too many snow drifts and redo it and no one will ever know. You got a whole box of cereal.

To finish off Day Three, I used the rest of the white icing and covered a big area on my base and sprinkled it with the shredded coconut for snow.

BTW, our bases are cardboard wrapped in craft paper. We used doubled up boxes (so 4 layers of cardboard total). Put the boxes in different directions to each other so the creases for the flaps don’t’ line up. I wanted to use solid green wrapping paper but I couldn’t find any. Last Christmas, I used a green gift bag that had a glitter border and it was pretty awesome. I bet scrap fabric would work. Anything you have around to cover the cardboard.

Day 4: The Finishing

Yeah, I needed another day to work on it. Day three was a work night so I couldn’t stay up late. Day four was mostly finishing touches. I glued the wreath on the front of the church with hot glue. I decided the back needed a wreath but I didn’t have any more circle shapes, so I glued a bunch of K2s parallelograms together and glued them to the house. It was fat and I glued it on before decorating so I thought it would be a disaster but I kinda love how huge it is. It took a ton of chopped up gummies to cover.

I topped all of the trees with extra sour gummie cuts to cover the ice cream cone tops. I made little gum drop tiny trees by the church doors topped with some of our star cutouts. I added “bushes” of gum drops. I really committed to that.

I used more of the red sprinkles to decorate the tree in front of the church. And two more star cookies of different sizes for the tree topper. That’s their grand Christmas tree. I couldn’t use the red icing because it just wasn’t red enough even though we used the entire jar of red color. There are some red M&Ms on the tree and wreaths too.

Then, as my final touch… I added a little gingerbread man sprinkle by one of the door trees. I like to think a little girl left her teddy bear there by the tree.

SHE’S DONE! Light her up!

Detail shots:

Front and back:

Side A and Side B:

Holy fuck, I am so damn proud of this one! EVERYONE LOOK AT MY CHURCH! The little star Christmas tree toppers! The trees! THE WINDOWS! Look at my snow drifts!

I like to really throw my all into some projects just so I can be proud of myself and show them off. Remind myself I still “got it.”

You know whats so weird? This “elegant” gingerbread house was far cheaper than a traditional one with all the candy. Sure, it takes longer because the details are all icing. But it required hardly any actual candy. Green gummies, green gummy strips, sprinkles and jolly ranchers (plus the cereal and coconut). Usually you have to have a huge host of different candies for variety. That means it’s actually a lot cheaper to make this fancy style.

Sentimental Throw Backs

This house is a bit of a throw back to the second real gingerbread house I made with my mom back when I live in a shitty apartment in college. We did a church with steeple then too. It also had the cinnamon toast crunch roof. It even had a hershys chocolate door too! So this pleases me greatly. Momma would love it and want to keep it forever.

Here’s a post I did of gingerbread houses through the years. There’s two mom and I did at the apartment from scratch.

Another throw back — the cat destruction. It was a well known “secret” that Jack would sneak onto the counter every night and lick the icing off the gingerbread house. It was hilarious seeing bald spots appear. He never did it in front of us. But every morning there would be missing icing spots or M&Ms with the colorful shell licked off. It was part of the tradition for me.

Well, I noticed the coconut around the Halloween house was disturbed a lot and I just prayed to GOD it wasn’t a mouse. I never saw Louie do it, but I did suspect he might be the culprit. Lo and behold it is him. Louie don’t give a fuck so he got right up on the counter and started eating it right in front of me. Little fucker! And I will 100% allow it because it’s tradition.

Recipes

Concrete AKA “Gingerbread”

Modified with original credit to: The Craft Crib

Ingredients  

  • 2 C granulated sugar
  • 1/2 C corn syrup (the recipe says honey, you could use molasses. Corn syrup is cheapest)
  • 1 TBS warm water
  • 4 eggs
  • (Fuck spices, no one’s eating this)
  • 6 C flour
  • Optional: Food coloring if you want that gingerbread look you would have gotten from the molasses, spices, and brown sugar. This is gonna be sugar cookie pale so maybe add some brown food coloring if that’s your thing. On this Christmas house bake, we did add all my brown to the first batch. Then we made more and didn’t have food coloring so we just combined them and got an awesome swirl effect.

Instructions 

  • Preheat oven to 325 degrees F
  • Bake that shit until it’s dry. I’ve done it twice and it varied a lot. Just make sure it’s dry but don’t over cook it.
  • BABYSIT IT — this might bubble and it certainly likes to curl. We’ve used it twice and it varied so much.
  • The original recipe says: Bake the pieces at 325 degrees F for 15-20 minutes, rolling the dough once after 10 minutes. I don’t know if we used too much water, but this took a LOT longer. Just look and tap it. If it’s shiny and soft, it’s not done. I actually flipped these pieces so they’d just hurry up and cook. Maybe I just cooked them too long? No one’s eating it, it’s fine.
  • The original recipe also says to put a pan on it while it cools to prevent curling. Probably not a bad idea. IT CURLS. Babysit it.

Royal Icing

Modified with original credit to: Hanielas

  • 3 egg whites, (90-100grams)
  • 5 cups powdered sugar (650grams)
  • 1/2 tsp cream of tartar (no, I do not measure this shit. I’ve also forgot it in some colors and didn’t notice a difference. I just sprinkle it in there. It’s cheap)
  • (Fuck flavoring, no one’s eating this)
  • Food Coloring

How We Cook in the South

Posted on | by cursingcats.com | Leave a Comment on How We Cook in the South

1) Put everything in the pot. In this case: 2lbs carrots, 2 big ass onions, 2.5lbs pork loin

2) Stand in front of pantry. Start grabbing shit that sounds like it would be good “in there.” Gather an approximate arm full of shit.

3) Carefully measure ingredients in the palm of your hand, or go by how long you feel like shaking the container. Do this until it “looks good.”

4) Cook.

5) Spend the next 10 years trying to get it right again like that one time you made it and it was perfect.

NOTES:

  • Yes, I do make my own spice blends and store them in random containers with hand written labels. Usually, it’s following one of Alton Brown’s spice blend recipes. OK, all of them are. I love Alton Brown.
  • Baby carrots are the exact same fucking thing as big carrots. Yes they are, MIL! They have the same nutrients. No they aren’t less nutritious because they’ve been “through a machine” and “have rounded edges.” Don’t believe everything your stupid friend offhandedly said once. If you want a specific carrot type, be more specific on your fucking request. I’ll grant that maybe the big carrots have more nutrients in their skin or something — but you know what — you’re peeling them.

Sugarfree Keto Orange Creamsicle Jello Mold

Posted on | by cursingcats.com | 3 Comments on Sugarfree Keto Orange Creamsicle Jello Mold

TLDR: I’m just here for the recipe, bitch. Get some boxes of sugarfree jello. Replace half the water required with heavy cream that’s been whipped to stiff peaks.

I made my first jello mold! I’ve been obsessed with this orange creamsicle jello lately. Obsessed. It’s keto friendly, fruity, summery, and extremely refreshing. I’ve been just making it in a ceramic bowl with lid. However, for Fourth of July, I wanted to make it into a more presentable molded dessert. So I ordered a bundt pan! Look at that beautiful baby. It’s jiggly and perfect! I’m pretty sure I ate 90% of it, but whatever. That shit was delicious.

RECIPE: Sugarfree Keto Orange Creamsicle Jello Mold

Ingredients:

  • Jello (Sugar Free or for keto, regular works too)
  • Water
  • Heavy Whipping Cream

Directions:

  1. Math. Each jello box needs 2 cups of water according to box directions. We’re replacing HALF of that water with cream. So each box needs 1 cup water and 1 cup cream. I used 4 boxes which ended up fitting perfectly in my 12 cup bundt pan. (Remember, whipping the cream will add volume). So I need 4 cups water and 4 cups cream.
  2. Boil water. You want to be able to cool off this water with ice before you mix it with the cream, so only boil half of it. I boiled 2 cups water in the microwave.
  3. Melt Jello powder in boiling water. Mix well.
  4. Mix Jello with the remaining amount of ice water to cool it off. Set aside.
  5. In another bowl, whip heavy cream to peaks.
  6. Add Jello to whipped cream and whip until completely mixed.
  7. Pour into GREASED Bundt pan or bowl or your choice. Refrigerate until set.

NOTES:

  • You can use a hair dryer to heat up the bundt pan and slip that baby right out. I used wet paper towels that I kept warming in the microwave until it released. Hair dryer would have been easier.
  • How much you whip it determines how fluffy it will be. You can optionally not whip it at all and end up with a jello/yogurt texture.
  • Use whatever flavor Jello you want! Don’t like orange? How about Strawberry? Lime? Lemon? Cherry?

Recipe: Whiffletree Chocolate Mocha Mousse

Posted on | by cursingcats.com | 2 Comments on Recipe: Whiffletree Chocolate Mocha Mousse

Mr C’s favorite dessert is Chocolate Mousse. Not some simple chocolate mousse you can buy. No, you gotta go French chef on that shit. You gotta use ALL your mixing bowls on that shit. And most importantly: the “chocolate wafer cookies” must be Oreos with the cream scraped out. Why? Because he was raised with someone willing to make shit like this, that’s why. You’ll scrape the cream out of those Oreos for love. Exactly once a year only. Because fuck that.

Now, the first and most important step of this recipe is to let everyone know that the Oreos are not to be eaten. Oh ha ha, you think I’m joking or rambling for SEOptimization? No, I haven’t got a single search engine hit on this blog yet. I’m fucking serious. You let EVERYONE know not to eat the fucking Oreos. You know why? Because if you don’t, then when your guest wants a midnight snack, they’re gonna see Oreos left out on the counter and be like “awesome, Oreos.” They’ll eat a tasteful five or so, because they’re just a guest. But then the next morning everyone will see the Oreos are open on the counter and eat those sons of bitches because Oreos and milk, am I right?

Then the next morning, when your guest wakes up after you cheerily told them to make themselves at home the previous night. They’ll find out that they are in trouble for eating the Oreos. They’ll be horrified that literally everyone staying in the house knows they ate the Oreos because their future Mother In Law already raged and accused each of them individually of eating the Oreos that your fat ass ate. Your future husband will be like “we’ll get more later” because he doesn’t realize his mother be crazy. And she will then proceed to get very angry and insist that he go get the Oreos now. And they’ll have a fucking argument about it. An argument that ends with your fat ass riding along with your future husband to get more Oreos when you haven’t even had breakfast. You’ll be mortified for days because this is your first impression on your future family. That you’re fat and ate the Oreos.

Step two: Scrape the cream out of the Oreos. Don’t try to cheat and use some chocolate cookies without cream in them or some off-brand. Everyone knows what Oreos taste like and your ass will be called out. They must be Oreos. I used to be super picky about making sure I got ALL the cream off, but it’s not bad to leave a bit here and there. I just slide the cookies apart and scrape off the side that got the major chunk of the cream. Sit down with the TV on or someone on speaker phone and use a butter knife to start scraping. You’ll get in the groove. It’s cool. You only have to do this once a year.

Optional Step three: Make an Oreo cream snowman for your cat. It’s cute and funny. Don’t let him eat too much though, because diabetes is real. Like just a few licks for the funnies.

Step four: Get out all of your mixing bowls. Fucking all of them. Embrace that this dessert is a huge pain in your ass and you’re gonna be cleaning a lot of bowls. One of these bowls will need to be heat proof (like pyrex, for instance). You’ll also need a pot that is smaller than the heatproof bowl. You know what those last two things make? A double boiler. Yeah. The first time I made this shit I actually borrowed a double boiler. You don’t need to own a double boiler because it’s just a heat proof bowl over simmering water. You can make that with what you already own.

Step five: follow the recipe. Oh wait I’m kidding! The recipe doesn’t include half the shit you actually need to know to follow it. That’s because everyone who has made it over the years learned important things and tid bits that aren’t included in the recipe your now official Mother In Law emails you. Don’t worry fam, I’m here for you. I’ve made this shit over a dozen times now.

Shit you should know:

  • When heating up chocolate, use a double boiler. I already told you how to make your own. Now, you DON’T want to overheat the chocolate. You want to the chocolate to keep its “temper” That’s what makes it pretty and shiny and gives it a nice clean snap and perfect texture. It’s important in recipes too. So chocolate loses its temper around 110 degrees. So get it up to the 95 the recipe requires, but don’t let that shit go above 110. You don’t need to keep it over the heat until it’s all melted. The bowl holds in heat so once most of it is melted, pull it off and just stir until it all melts. This way you avoid over heating.
  • You seized the chocolate, didn’t you? It happens. I did it once. It’s not a loss! Add small amounts of cream while heating it to break down the fat molecules and bring that shit back together. Fat dissolves fat. Cream is fat. Thank you, Alton Brown. You probably already whipped the cream anyway, just spoon in a small bit of it and stir over heat until you get it back. Don’t worry about diluting the chocolate, whatever cream you use here, just subtract it from the whipped cream you’ll be mixing in. Just use small amounts until you have just enough to bring it back together. Your husband won’t notice, promise. You lost the temper, but you’ll do better next time.
  • When I’m separating the egg whites, I go ahead and blend the whole eggs, egg yolks, Kahlua and instant coffee so they can sit while I’m making everything else so the instant coffee can fully dissolve.  I do this in the big bowl everything will get folded into in the end.  Then temper it with the melted chocolate and add the chocolate to that.  I’ve seen some recipes where the coffee and liquor is added in while the chocolate is melting. Either way, I don’t like to wait until everything is coming together to add the coffee (as the recipe calls for) — it doesn’t dissolve all the way. 
  • Not a tip, but invest in an egg separator. It’s worth it. You’ll use it lots. Mine is an anthropomorphic egg. It’s kinda morbid if you think about it.
  • The recipe isn’t specific about what type of chocolate to use. I go semisweet.
  • When I’m separating the eggs, I actually separate one more egg white out. (The recipe calls for 2 eggs to be left whole, I separate one of those). This means I haven’t altered how many eggs or egg whites go into the recipe. However, now I can mix it a lot more without worrying about losing the airiness of the whites. If you don’t mix it thoroughly, you’ll see white bits when you cut it. It doesn’t throw off the taste but come on, presentation is important when you work this hard.
  • Cream whips faster when it’s cold. Really cold. Tip: put a metal bowl and the beaters in the freezer before hand. Whip the cream in that.
  • I have never made the topping nor have I seen anyone else make it. It’s totally unnecessary. I’m just copy/pasting the recipe so you have it if you want it.

Whiffletree Chocolate Mocha Mousse

Crust:
2 c. chocolate wafers, crushed (11 oz. box =2 c.)
½ c. unsalted butter, melted

Filling:
1 lb sweet chocolate
2 whole eggs at room temperature
4 egg yolks at room temperature
4 egg whites at room temperature
2 c. whipping cream
2 tsp. instant coffee
¾ oz. Kahlua liquor

Topping:
2 c. whipping cream
2 tsp. instant coffee
3 tsp. powdered sugar

1. To make crust blend wafers and butter together and press in bottom of a 13 inch spring form pan.

2. Filling: heat chocolate over double boiler until completely melted.  Remove from heat and let  stand until chocolate comes down to 95 degrees.  DO NOT ALLOW CHOCOLATE TO GET TOO COOL.

Whip egg whites at medium speed until stiff but not dry.  Whip cream at medium speed until stiff.  (Use separate bowls for egg whites and whipping cream).

In another bowl mix chocolate at medium speed.  Add whole eggs, then egg yolks, coffee and Kahlua.  Mix thoroughly.  Add 2 tbsp. whipped whites and 2 tbsp. of whipped cream and continue to mix.

Remove from mixer and fold whites, whipped cream and chocolate mixture together and spoon mixture into pan.  REFRIGERATE OVERNIGHT

Topping: blend ingredients and whip at medium speed.  Spoon on top of slices to serve.

The Tartest Lemon Tart That Ever Tarted.

Posted on | by cursingcats.com | 2 Comments on The Tartest Lemon Tart That Ever Tarted.

Mr C’s birthday is tomorrow which means: CHOCOLATE MOUSSE! Wait no. Usually it means chocolate mousse. This year he wants Aunt Ks lemon tart. The tartiest tart of them all. The one that makes your face pucker just looking at it. I have no idea how he likes it so much. But OK. We tart.

I cheated this year and used a premade pie crust instead of making my own. Fail. The premade pie crust is so thin and doesn’t give the cookie kinda thick texture this baby needs. You gotta have something substantial with that tart. Jesus, how do yall eat this?

When I finished the custard last night it was delicious. So sweet and lemony. But after setting up in the fridge, holy moly. I served him a slice and had a bite. All of me puckered and an eye twitched. I can’t do it. Give me ghost pepper spices but good lord give me more sugar with my lemons. It sounds like there’s a ton of sugar in this recipe, but remember this is all pure lemon juice and zest. No water, no cream, just lemon. I got two thumbs up on the custard but two thumbs down on the crust. Contemplating making a new crust and scooping the custard into that. (Tart picture from previous cooking where I made the crust. It looks better too).

Here’s the recipe for those of you following along at home. This filled two regular pie crusts.

Lemon tart pastry shell  

  • 2 c flour                           
  • 12 T butter, chilled 6 T sugar                          
  • 1 large egg beaten
  • pinch of salt (if using salted butter skip this)  

In a medium sized bowl, combine the flour, sugar and salt.  Using a pastry blender or two knives, cut in butter until the mixture resembles fine meal.  Add the egg and mix until just combined.  Gather into a ball.  Flatten slightly.  Wrap with plastic wrap and refrigerate for at least two hours.  Roll pastry on a lightly floured surface to a thickness of 1/8″.  Fit into a 10″ tart pan.  Trim edges.    Preheat oven to 375.  Line crust with foil shiny side down that has been sprayed with Pam.  Fill pie crust with pie weights or dried beans.  Bake about 20 minutes.  Remove the weights and foil and continue baking until crust is lightly browned about 10-12 minutes.   If dough is too dry and does not form a ball well, add a little milk – one teaspoon at a time.  The crust can be made the night before to make things easier on the big day.  

Lemon Tart  

  • 2 c fresh lemon juice, about 12-14 lemons
  • 1-1/2 c sugar                                
  • 6 oz (1-1/2 sticks) butter at room temp
  • 6 large eggs                                
  • 6 large egg yolks
  • 1/4 c lemon zest  

To make the custard, combine the lemon juice and sugar in a heavy, medium-sized stainless steel saucepan.  Bring to a boil over high heat; then simmer.  Remove from heat.    In a medium bowl, combine eggs, egg yolks and lemon zest.  Whisk small amount of the hot syrup into the egg mixture.  Return saucepan to medium heat.  Constantly whisk the custard while cooking.  Occasionally stir with a rubber spatula to ensure the custard is not sticking.  Cook until thickened to coat the back of a spoon heavily.  (If you run your finger across the spoon and the top layer stays put and does not run across the open space it is done.)  Remove from heat and whisk in the butter tablespoon by tablespoon until silky smooth.  Pour through a fine sieve into crust, fill to top.  Refrigerate until firm, about 4 hours.

Fuck me, I’m gonna go make a real crust and dump the custard into that. I can’t live with this kinda failure.

UPDATE: This is what short cuts get you. I fixed it though. New crust.