Author: cursingcats.com

Here We Go

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Blarg! I have been avoiding posting for over a week now. In fact, I’ve been avoiding even typing this post for the past 30 minutes with Facebook and Youtube while the blank page stares at me. Ok. Here we go. I gained 10 more pounds.

I’m devastated! I’m heart broken. I’m depressed. I’m panicy. I just want to crawl in bed and die. I want to just throw in the towel. Do you know I haven’t had a bite of mac and cheese in THREE YEARS? I haven’t had a taco in three years. What the fuck am I doing this for!? If I’m gonna gain weight I might as well get some damn tacos.

Now I’m 20 some odd pounds from my goal with an appointment with a plastic surgeon in a month. Finally, I get the chance to have decent arms — arms that can wear tank tops and cute sleeveless dresses or better yet those ones that tie behind your neck and I’m blowing it! What the actual fuck?

I just wanna die and throw in the towel. I’m done. Ugh. To describe this as a “funk” is an understatement.

But I’m married and have a cat so I can’t be done. Dammit.

I’ve got a blood draw tomorrow to check my thyroid again because — again I say: what the actual fuck?

I’ve also been peer pressured into Cross Fit. I know, I’m gonna die. We start tomorrow. God help me. But with this damn weight gain I gotta do something! More details on this whole Cross Fit $300 let’s-do-it campaign later. Not sure how much later because I’ve got the busiest week planned. I never book up my weeks. I’m lazy. But this week I have something EVERY DAY. Two things Monday. Plus a full time job. Three Cross Fit training sessions. One doctors appointment. One Baseball game (of course this will be fun) and then tubing on Saturday. Good thing tubing doesn’t require energy! Unless I fall out of that tube. God help us then. Yall gonna have to help my ass get back in.

Melancholy

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I left work early again today. I just feel so sad. Melancholy. Sorrowful. It’s not all mom. Of course part of it is mom. I miss her dearly. I have so much anxiety and worries running through my head and I need her calmness. I need her “It will work it all out.” I need her to calm me down and say she’ll pray about it.

Monday was a holiday. It was a lazy day. The kind of day where her an I would have lazily floated in the pool. I miss that so much. That time was perfect. Of course I never realized it was perfect but it was. It was a time with just us chatting and relaxing. Telling each other secrets and gossip. And I was providing for her. Be it a day or the weekend, I was providing for her. And I was giving her this private pool to enjoy as much as she wanted. And believe me, she did enjoy it. I’d find her out there on the stairs having coffee when I woke up. If she hadn’t already got on a bathing suit and moved into the tanning ledge or a float.

I miss you, momma. So so much. To say it hurts is superlative.

I do have things im looking forward to. That’s something that leaves me in a depression — when I don’t have things to look forward to. But this time I have a few things to look forward to — but they’re all tainted somehow. Or I fear they won’t come to pass at all.

I’m looking forward to plastic surgery. I might be pretty smokin’ with some tightened up arms and belly and bigger boobs. I’ll be an hourglass for sure — even if it is still an extra large one. The fact that my husband is letting me pay for this and take the time off to do it is amazing! But rather than being grateful, I worry. What if my recent weight gain takes that off the table? How will my recovery be? Will my husband be able to step up to help me enough? With pain meds, bringing me drinks and food, helping me get up and around, washing my hair for me, taking care of the cat. How can I take care of Jack right after ive been gutted? Momma always always took care of me in recoveries. Even since I’ve been married. She’d just come up here to stay. It’s hard for me to trust. I worry.

I’m looking forward to Florida. The family trip my side of the family always takes. However, this one is obvious. Florida is MOMS THING. It’s what she loved. Sitting on the beach all day with the waves of the gulf washing over her feet. Lazily dripping sand into elaborate spires next to her chair. Having coffee at 6am on the balcony listening to the crashing waves. This year we’ll all be going at least one last time all together. For mom. She wanted some of her ashes spread there. In the ocean. And she’d want us to go. She always wanted us to go. Even when I felt like I ruined it. I turn into such a bitch around my sisters. It’s the codependent family structure. I fall right back into it when I’m with them. Then we all bitch to mom and she screams that she cant take it anymore. And I feel like they’d have a better vacation without me there. So yeah, cloud over that one. But I have to go. For mom.

October. This one’s odd. So it’s the year to spend Thanksgiving with my family. However, Mr C’s parent’s are celebrating in October — so sweet, we can do both families, right? Well. Mr C’s parents, in a fashion so very typical of them, just assumed none of us “kids” were coming. So I was chatting with my mother-in-law the other day (remember, I was all sad about mom and no one would return my calls? You know none of my family has yet to return any of the calls, BTW). Yeah I was talking to her and she mentioned that they’d be stopping by our house on their great road trip right before heading up to the thanksgiving festivities. So I confirmed that we’d be leaving to follow them. This was news to her! She thought we weren’t coming! She was super excited that we were. She informed me that Thanksgiving dinner with the N’s was canceled and gave me the run down of the new plans.

So after talking with her, I called Mr C’s brother. He has legitimately no excuse in the world to miss Thanksgiving. So I called to see why he wasn’t coming. That was news to him. He thought he WAS coming. Mr C’s sister — same thing! We were all planning on going but the parents just assumed we weren’t for some weird reason they’re calling a miscommunication but I’m calling bullshit. So since no “kids” were coming, the adults scrapped thanksgiving dinner at the N’s for a fall trip. Now they’re going to North Carolina to ride a train through the mountains. Sounds nice enough. So we conspired and decided we’d join. Then I did more research.

The parents are staying in a very overpriced lodge. Thats cool, cause my sister-in-law found us a cheap air BnB less than a mile away. Awesome! So I looked into this “dinner or lunch train.” Well, one: there’s no dinner or lunch. It’s just a 4.5 hour train ride. You can get a boxed lunch of a sandwich and chips. But I’m keto, I can’t eat the sandwich or the chips! Oh and those sweet antique steam dinner train vibes — nope. Only available in November and December. We’re riding a plain old commuter style train. It’s not even steam! So now I’m riding a foodless amtrak to nowhere as the main part of my trip. AWESOME. We’re only driving 4.5 hours hours both way for this privilege. Buy hey, good meals with family are worth it, right? Well, on the train we won’t all be together. Because it’s not a dining train. And dinners? there’s no where to eat dinner in the town we’re staying in or the town with the train! They’re shit towns, I looked! Fuck me, this trip sounds terrible. We’re all pretty mad they canceled dinner and games at the N’s but we didn’t realize the extent of this thing.

Then there’s my sweet tattoo. I can’t get it if I don’t get my arms done so there’s one worry. Also all the good artists are in LA or New York! I can’t get anyone to reply to my inquiries. And if I travel to one of these artists, can we do it in one go? Don’t they have to do it in stages? I can’t travel to New York 3 times! And who’s gonna take care of my precious Jack? That goes for all of these trips (except Florida when K is gonna house sit. Thats why K’s getting the sweet ass home warming present. Not the Dragon of Scams, though. He’s currently a deflating trophy in the garage). But it might not matter, because none of the artists have replied to my inquiries.

So. Yeah. I’m whiny. I told you I was melancholy. But I don’t really have anyone to whine to, so I’m doing it here. My blog, my therapist. I find myself lonely. I miss mom so much.

Sugarfree Keto Orange Creamsicle Jello Mold

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TLDR: I’m just here for the recipe, bitch. Get some boxes of sugarfree jello. Replace half the water required with heavy cream that’s been whipped to stiff peaks.

I made my first jello mold! I’ve been obsessed with this orange creamsicle jello lately. Obsessed. It’s keto friendly, fruity, summery, and extremely refreshing. I’ve been just making it in a ceramic bowl with lid. However, for Fourth of July, I wanted to make it into a more presentable molded dessert. So I ordered a bundt pan! Look at that beautiful baby. It’s jiggly and perfect! I’m pretty sure I ate 90% of it, but whatever. That shit was delicious.

RECIPE: Sugarfree Keto Orange Creamsicle Jello Mold

Ingredients:

  • Jello (Sugar Free or for keto, regular works too)
  • Water
  • Heavy Whipping Cream

Directions:

  1. Math. Each jello box needs 2 cups of water according to box directions. We’re replacing HALF of that water with cream. So each box needs 1 cup water and 1 cup cream. I used 4 boxes which ended up fitting perfectly in my 12 cup bundt pan. (Remember, whipping the cream will add volume). So I need 4 cups water and 4 cups cream.
  2. Boil water. You want to be able to cool off this water with ice before you mix it with the cream, so only boil half of it. I boiled 2 cups water in the microwave.
  3. Melt Jello powder in boiling water. Mix well.
  4. Mix Jello with the remaining amount of ice water to cool it off. Set aside.
  5. In another bowl, whip heavy cream to peaks.
  6. Add Jello to whipped cream and whip until completely mixed.
  7. Pour into GREASED Bundt pan or bowl or your choice. Refrigerate until set.

NOTES:

  • You can use a hair dryer to heat up the bundt pan and slip that baby right out. I used wet paper towels that I kept warming in the microwave until it released. Hair dryer would have been easier.
  • How much you whip it determines how fluffy it will be. You can optionally not whip it at all and end up with a jello/yogurt texture.
  • Use whatever flavor Jello you want! Don’t like orange? How about Strawberry? Lime? Lemon? Cherry?

Three Year Ketoversary!

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Today marks three years that I’ve been keto. I have gained a bit from last year but I know I’ll get it back off. It was depression and my thyroid being off. I never stopped keto, so I really think I’ll get back down. 2018: 320lbs, 2021: 238lbs. Goal: get back to 2020lbs.

Still meeting with the plastic surgeon in August. I called to see if he does tummy tucks and arm lifts in one operation. They said its no unheard of but really not preferred. So we shall see. I really want to get my tummy and arms done before the breasts so I can see what I’m working with before I choose my new cup size. And I’m only gonna do two surgeries, not three.

Mr C and I talked heavily about this yesterday. My stomach and my arms are what bother me the most too. So ideally, I want them done together. He asked if that was really a deal breaker for me and if I could only do one, what would I do. Well, we talked about it and I thought hard about it. So arms. If he won’t do tummy AND arms, I’ll start with arms. Then I can come back with the “mommy makeover” of stomach and breasts.

I decided arms because I’ll be getting this done after summer. So they’ll have all winter and spring to heal up before I start getting in the sun heavily again (sun = bad for scar healing). Plus I REALLY wanna get my tattoo. So I need those babies to heal up so I can get a sleeve for my 40th birthday!

I dont want to combine breasts with arms even if it is an option. I read that that can compromise a lot of the blood flow around your arm pits. So yeah. Also stomach and arms have longer healing times that a breast augmentation, so it’d be good to pair them together. Like I said, we’ll see.

I’m here anytime you need to talk. Except when you need to talk.

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Got a text from sister1 today. Apparently sister2 had a breakdown and spent hours telling her how she had backslid into drinking a ton and depression and she was not doing okay over moms death. We all kinda knew that (When I sat in moms bedroom chair and looked to see what she had been reading, I assumed the hard liquor wasn’t hers), but she hadn’t admitted any of it. So sister1 wanted us to be mindful and reach out and let sister2 know we love her and not tell her we know kinda way.

In this same text message thread, sister3 mentioned she cried to nephew2 about mom just this weekend. Well, fuck I was talking just yesterday to nephew2 online and told him I was super upset about moms death too. So I was like, I’ll call sister3! She ignored my call, yall. You know how you click someone off and it goes to voicemail early ’cause you clicked them off. Uhuh. So okay, I’ll call sister2. She cuts me off too with the auto text “can’t talk right now.” She ALWAYS does this. She did it to mom all the time too. So no big surprise. Okay… I’ll call sister1. No answer. FUCK ME. So I call my mother-in-law cause she loves to talk. No answer (she’s most likely working and not ignoring me. She LOVES when I call). Yall have got to be kidding me!

So I called nephew1 and chatted a while. I wanted to talk about mom but I did not. I just talked to him about what was going on with him and his life. It was still good to talk to someone. And I left work early cause I was upsetty.

INTERMISSION: Hey I told Mr C when I got home super early: “I quit! … for the day.” Haha, he had one of those mini heart attacks.

Anyway, what the fuck? Everyone’s all “I’m here for you.” Except when you actually need to talk to someone and then no one will pick up the god damned phone. It’s been hours and no return calls either. And in the text thread where sister3 mentioned crying about it this weekend, she was like “I’m glad we all still think of her.” Again I say to you: what the fuck? Like no, I moved on. I don’t give a shit that my mom died on Christmas. I hardly think of it. Certainly not EVERY FUCKING DAY. What a shitty support net I have.

AND NOW, THIS…

God, that mug humored me so much when I saw it earlier in my Facebook Feed. “Bitch, I will put you in a trunk and help people look for you.” That’s good. I’ve never heard that. They had so many good ones too. (The picture links to Piper & Lou who sell these epic mugs.)

Missing Mom

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I tried to make myself a little less of a potato of depression and anxiety today. I got in the pool. But it just made me miss mom. I miss her insanely dark skin that smelled like Nivea. I miss talking about life while we floated in the pool. I miss joking about her flip flop tan lines she was trying to even out. I miss fetching her peanut butter crackers and peach wine while she sat on the tanning ledge. She should be there on the tanning ledge while I cool off inside. But she’s not. She won’t ever be again.

Ungrateful Cat.

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I’ve been up since 4:00. Couldn’t sleep. Partially because I took naps yesterday (multiple), partially because of bad dreams. Most of the bad dreams were the night before last — hence the naps yesterday. I knew I was dreaming but I kept waking in a house that wasn’t my own. It would seem like mine but I’d figure it out and then be tortured to death. I’m pretty sure my hand was grinded off at some point with a powertool. I’m trying to forget. I was stuck in a loop of dreams. I think I even had to forgive my father at some point trying to figure out what whoever was doing this to me wanted just to get out of the loop. It was rough. I’m not joking about grinding a bloody stump arm either. I’m trying hard to forget that part. Did I mention I’ve been depressed?

I had some maybes for coming to the pool to hang out with me but I got stood up. So I just napped instead. Me and Mr C hung out though. And I cooked chicken for supper. I went to bed late but woke at 4:00. Lame.

I changed out the litter closet this weekend. Yes, my precious has his own bathroom. It even has a cat door and a bathroom ventilation fan. He is my precious, after all. I completely changed out one litterbox for a new one and cleaned the second one up. Yes, he has two litterboxes in his swanky litter closet. He likes the pee in the left one and poop in the right one.

I did this so I could switch cat litters. I’ve mentioned a million times that he tracks cat litter all over the place. Ugh. A work friend suggested I try Fresh Step: Clean Paws. Well, I’ll try something new, sure. So I cleaned everything up and switched out to a completely new cat litter. Even put in new carbon filters. Hope it works. So far it clumps OK enough. But it’s much heavier and harder to sift through to scoop since the pieces are so much bigger. But I hope it keeps him from tracking a small white line of litter down the hall.

Did I mention when I was carrying out the cat litter, the bag had a hole and left a trail of dirty cat little from my back door to the pool gate? Cause it happened.

At least I was up early enough to give him his medicines and breakfast with no screaming banshee over my head. It went alright until he barfed it all up on the rug. Complete with undigested expensive kidney pill sitting right there on top.

Fuck me.

The things we do for the little fuzzy shits we love.

Animal Crossing: Buying Love: Success!

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After months of bribing my fellow Animal Crossing: New Horizons villagers, I have all of their love. You see, when you give them gifts, they like you. When you become friends, they give you things back. When you reach maximum paid-friendship, they might even give you a photo of themselves. YES. At top-level friends, you can get your own photo of them to remember how much you love them.

After over a year of playing, I have all of their love! Yes, all ten of my villagers love me. I have photographic (do screenshots count?) proof! Look below to see every villagers house which has a little table out front with their own photo on it.

Here’s is Eugene’s house. He’s very hip and gives a fake-beach vibe. So he has fake palm tree lamps outside his house. And there’s Fauna. She seems really prim and proper so she grows hybrid orange roses.

And here is Ankh’s house. She’s an Egyptian cat. So she has fancy hybrid roses and lilies along with a pyramid and statue. Then there’s Maple. She’s a bear so she has log furniture. It makes sense in my head.

Here’s Mint. She was a bitch of a holdout. It took me forever to get her photo. She has a table and chairs because, well, I was uninspired by her. Savannah here was a late comer to my island. She has a swing.

Lucky! Lucky is a zombie dog so he has Halloween colors in his yard flowers. Also I have DOUBLE LUCKY PHOTOS. Hell yeah, I got his photo twice! He was the first one to be my paid-friend. So I go his photo. Then I accidentally let him move away from my island. I was heart broken so I borrowed D’s amiibos and got him back. But it was an imposter Lucky. He didn’t love me. So I had to work my way up to get fake Lucky’s photo too.

Also there’s Hopper. He’s a cranky old penguin and I love him. Since he’s a cranky old man, I gave him a lawn that is permanently in a state of maintenance.

Lastly, we have Apple and Roald. Apple has an Apple tree and pink flowers. The pink flowers are a hold-over from the previous resident who was a pink gorilla. Roald is a “jock” type penguin. So he has a basketball hoop and pool.

It’s impressive isn’t it! They all have perfectly lined up houses in the little 8×5 plots of land so they all have their own little yards. Feel free to take inspiration for your own island.

Some Things 06/24

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1) Why does Jello come in such small containers. This small 4ish ounce thing of Jello is ten calories. Who is just going to eat one of these? Can I get a BOWL of Jello? I’m a fucking adult here. And put some whipped cream on there.

2) I ordered a temporary tattoo of my goomba to try it out. They only do black and white and I’d get color — but I can wear it for a week or two and see how I like it. It came from Ink Box (Clicky). A work buddy has been using it to perfect the design and placement of her next tattoo. They last a week or two and you can do custom designs. So I got a small 8-bit Goomba to try out. Who knows, maybe I’ll get it for my Bday.

3) We’re going River Tubing! I’m getting a group together to go in late July. I’m so excited about it! I just bought two river rafts for it. We’re gonna drift down the river at a campground then bus back and grill some burgers — then maybe drift down the river again. I’ve wanted to go tubing for so long! K asked me about my sudden interest ’cause I never mentioned it before. But yall, tubing is perfect for me. It’s an outdoor activity that involves no effort. I just lay in a swim ring and flow with the current. It’s basically like a live lazy river. With coolers of snacks and your friends are literally tied to you. Plus we eat burgers at the end. It sounds AMAZING.

Also props to Aunt L. She has some amazing river tubes. They’re retail $60. She sent me a picture of a local store flyer that had them for $20. But local to HER not me. Amazon had the same ones for $40. So I searched the internet and found out Academy had them this week in their flyer for $20! The really good ones I’ve laid around in at the lake at her house! So I bought two, baby! And they had $10 off a purchase of $50 so I got a free 80lbs of salt for my pool. WINNING. Picked them up with curbside pickup today after work. This is gonna be so much fun!

Weight Anxiety

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I’ve been having a lot more anxiety and panic lately. I think I’ve narrowed a part of it down the the upcoming appointment with the plastic surgeon. Am I excited? Fuck yes, I am! However, I’m freaking out about my weight gain.

Since mom died. I gained some weight. That threw off my thyroid and made me super hypothyroid. Depression combined with hypothyroidism gang banged each other into over 30lbs. I’m already afraid the doctor won’t accept doing elective surgery on someone of my size (which I would like to get down to 220lbs even though I had been lower — also remember, friend – Mrs C used to be pushing 400lbs so this is a great weight).

I wasn’t extremely worried about the weight gain. I haven’t changed clothes sizes. My doctor caught the thyroid labs being off and we fixed them. I’ve dropped about 7lbs since then. I’ve remained keto throughout. So I know that, eventually, I’ll drop the excess and get back to where I want to be. I wasn’t worried about it. Now, with what feels like a deadline, I’m worried about it.

It’s also “that time of the month.” That combined with seeing a bad photo of myself has my self esteem in the negative numbers. We’re talking shit hole here. Bad. Hence the panic attacks.

I think identifying the root cause has helped a small amount. I talked to Mr C about it. And it’s just a consultation. Maybe he says he’ll do it when I drop the 17lbs to get back to 220. I’m still really excited about boobs and tattoos! Boobs and tattoos! A 3/4 sleeve, a portrait of my beloved Jack, and now I want a little goomba on my foot/ankle. I’m already getting more tattoos and I haven’t even started. YAY!