When you find a nice thing and you have to show it to everyone because we stopped having show ‘n tell after kindergarten. Which, BTW, we need to bring back. You know how we have fucking bullshit Lunch ‘n Learn topics every Thursday? And fucking Wellness Wednesday lunches? Well I want a TEAMS call show ‘n tell! I wanna eat my lunch and watch my coworkers show me fancy things. Or their pets. Or their favorite new pen. Whatever they want. I’d tune into that every god damn week AND participate. So here is my latest Amazon review:
This box is so fantastic, that I’m skipping right over the fact that normal tissue boxes are ugly and obnoxious. Do I need a rainforest print in my living room? No. Do you sell solid colors? Also, no. We’re skipping that.
What is this box even made of? I can’t bend it. And it is actually rather weighty. My cat can’t even knock this off the table – and he’s gonna try. There’s a magnetic closure on the bottom (some tissue box covers don’t even HAVE bottoms) and when it closes, there is a very satisfying thunk sound. And yall, it’s LINED. Not just with paper – it’s lined with the velour type felt that jewelry boxes are lined with.
I say again to you, good sir, why is this box so nice?
I tried to take some close-up pictures to show you the craftsmanship. Look at those straight lines and seams. Look at that lining. Look how perfectly square the lining is cut and applied to in the inside of the bottom of the tissue box cover that no one will ever see. Look at the hole! The PU leather isn’t just cut out at the hole, it’s finished and sewn. Oh and whatever non-trivial material this thing is made of has been covered in another layer of matching PU leather very well folded over and then sealed with the way-too-nice liner. I’m actually holding this in my hands flipping it around wondering how they got this perfect curve so nicely covered without a seam going down the hole – wait! I picked it up again, after typing that, to examine this sorcery again – there is a seam, it’s just nearly invisible. I only noticed it by feel. Thank you, because I’m a crafter and I was confused by that impossibility.
The only downside it that the “silver grey” is metallic. I’m putting this in my living room so I’d have preferred a matte finish. However, if it weren’t so dang nice, I could just put it in the bathroom and it’d look great in there.
I’m going to start showing guests the tissue box, aren’t I? Being old is so weird.
Vornado — fucking champions. Replaced the fan immediately with a new one as soon as I sent them a picture of mine with the cord cut off. A++ service. American made — BUY THEIR SHIT. They make excellent things that work and they stand by them.
Calphelon — Their website warrantly claim form errors evey damn time. I’ve tried at least 11 times on various days. Go through all the pages, answer the questions, upload photos, and bam — error submitting claim. I emailed with no response. The phone system tells you to use the website. ARRRRRRRRGGG. But I haven’t given up.
MailBoss. FUCK MAILBOSS. I called and they asked for pictures. So I sent pictures of very obvious rusting and finish flaking off after less than one year. They emailed me back that it can happen near the coast. I DON’T LIVE NEAR THE COAST. This summer was A DROUGHT. It’s a mild climate and this thing wasn’t a year old before it started rusting. They said I should sand it down, repaint it, and wax it every year to prevent this happeneing again. Wait — why isn’t waxing this thing mentioned ANYWHERE? I’d have waxed it to begin with!
So does Mailboss stand behind their product warranty. Fuck no they don’t. $400 on a mailbox and it rusts immediately and they just tell you to repaint it. Awesome.
So that made me a bit bothered. So I decided, I will let people know about this. So I clicked around on their website. Searched for them on a few websites and and then hopped on to Facebook. Ah, Target ads, thank you. So I left some comments. Then, I created a post about them and tagged them in it. It is currently at the very top of their mentions page on their own Facebook page:
It was really late on a work night, but I decided I needed to hit up some Amazon reviews for this piece of shit before bed. So I go yell on Amazon, as I like to do and then…
“You’ve been invited to the Amazon Vine Program”
WHAT? I tried so hard to get into this program back in 2019 when I had a head injury and couldn’t work so I just decided to review everything I’d ever bought on Amazon. I did detailed reviews. Ton’s of pictures. People loved my reviews. I was in the top 2000 reviewers at one point. But after a few months, it just was too much effort. So I stopped trying. Oh, I still review shit — but not everything like I used to. And now I’m invited?
WHAT?
My orneriness is being recognized with free products in exchange for a honest review? What?
I’VE MADE IT.
I’ve submitted 9 reviews for free things now. Only one wave has come in. I can order up to 3 items per day with a limit of $100 per item. Of course they have to be part of the Amazon Vine program which is random as fuck. There’s over 77 thousand products and the variety is wild. A lot of it is very niche replacement parts for specific products. There’s a lot of balloon arches and party supplies. a TON of Stanly Cup organizers. And why on earth are there so many things targeted towards healing after a BBL? did you know there are airbeds with a hole cutout for your ass? Cause there are.
Now I can’t just go buck wild. I will have to claim everything on my taxes. I had to fill out a tax form and the cost of the items I receive will be counted as income. So far the most expensive thing I’ve ordered is a double golf-bag rack and shelving for my nephews and brother who all play golf. I’ve also ordered and received:
Blanket: 4.7 Stars
Gym Drink Bag: 2 Stars
Socks: 2 stars
Solar Lantern: 4 Stars
Vacuum storage bags: 4 Stars
Black Dress: 4 Stars
“Drink Pusher” 5 Stars
Leather Notebook Cover: 3 Stars
Tissue Box Cover: 3 Stars
Shower Squeegees: 3 Stars
What is a drink pusher?
Yep. It’s like a vending machine thing for your refrigerator!
But three of my reviews have been denied and I don’t get WHY. I guess they’re really anal about the Vine reviews? This one I can only figure was because I mentioned having OCD? So I took all that out to resubmit. The gym bag review got denied and I have NO IDEA why. Maybe because I mentioned the brand of bag I was comparing it to? We’ll see, I removed the brand name and resubmitted. Then the squeegee review got denied. No idea on that one. It might be because I mentioned I was reviewing it? But that doesn’t make sense… I’m so confused. The blanket review got denied too and I fucking love that blanket. I’ve been writing really detailed reviews with tons of photos! Like the gym bag review — it wouldn’t stick to my refrigerator. So I took pictures of it fully loaded with everything in it — then on the front of the fridge, then the side, then I was like. It can’t suck this much ass. So I TOOK IT OUTSIDE and stuck it to my mailbox. Success. And it stuck to my tornado shelter too! So I had EDITED MARKUP pictures with “Fridge? No.” “Side of Fridge? No.” “Mailbox? Yes!”
Look, I went outside in the evening hours to take that photo. I put a bottle of ice water in there with my wallet and car keys and slapped it on my mailbox. I put it in photoshop and added text. These are the reviews the people WANT.
And obviously I’m reviewing with other Vine peeps and some of their reviews are a single sentence. REALLY?
Let me see if I can find the original Drink Pusher one…
Me owning this item is actually hilarious. Let me tell you why. I hosted family two weeks ago. My sister-in-laws sister doesn’t know me well. So the next morning she very timidly asked me if she could ask me something without offending me. Ok! She asked if I was OCD. Yep! She asked because of how organized my refrigerator was.
You see, I already stored my drinks like this. I just didn’t have the fancy pusher! I was manually reloading the fridge and pulling them forward to look nice. Talk about an upgrade!
I didn’t organize my drinks like this for my OCD, I just like for everything to have a proper place and look neat. Including in my refrigerator. But I did my drinks like this at first as a joke for my husband. When I started working from home, I started making him lunch. I started calling it my café and would yell order up when his lunch was ready. Then one day, I lined up all of his drinks like this and opened the fridge and joked that we stocked a full accoutrement of drinks at the café now. (He likes these Spin Drift flavored waters so I keep a lot of flavors to keep it interesting. Well, I liked the look so it’s been that way for a few months.
Then TODAY, I installed this masterpiece! I sent her a picture and told her I’ve upgraded! I actually sent it to a bunch of my friends because I’m just so tickled with it. One asked, “does that push the drinks forward for you?” YES! And she just laughed. I love it! I wish I had another row for my friends coconut water!
No redlines. No notes. I love it. Excellent price. Functions great. No tools to assemble. I’m even deeply amused that the easy-to-follow instructions just refer to it as “the pusher.”
For buyers I do have a tip: Put it together with the drinks you intend for it to hold. You’ll need to know how wide to make the lanes. When I first assembled it, I just put the rails and lanes right up next to each other. I tested it with a can and it was fine. Then I loaded it up and stuck it in the fridge and it didn’t work! Bummer! So I’m looking at it and thinking it just doesn’t have enough spring power. But no – it just had too much friction. The lane width needs to be wide enough that the rails aren’t pushing against your cans. When I tested it with just a single can, there weren’t cans on either side pushing the rails in. But you also can’t make the lanes too wide. Otherwise, your straight row of cans gets a bit jumbled. So have what you want to put in here with you when you assemble it to get the spacing right. You can always take it out and readjust later, like I did – but save yourself the trouble.
Oh! I do have one note that’s not important. My refrigerator is a full depth one. Not a counter depth fridge. Yours is probably counter depth. So I could actually fit more cans in without this. This can only fit 5 cans deep. Do I need six of every flavor at all times? Hell no. But I was doing it. Also, as you now have lanes and rails and a need for space between rows to lighten up the friction, I did have to go from 6 cans wide to 5 in roughly the same space. My husband’s choices are drastically less now. Yes, that’s sarcasm. I think this is plenty of options!
I really do love this thing. It’s so extra and so awesome all at once.
