Tag: jack

Catfished by a cat?

Posted on | by cursingcats.com | Leave a Comment on Catfished by a cat?

Listen, I need to vent. I know we’ve only had Louie for like 5 or 6 weeks. He’s also young, so he’ll change a lot. But… I’m feeling a little catfished.

Remember that snuggly stoner cat in the cat lounge? The cat that just wanted to be held and fall asleep on you? Like if your lap was open it was going to be sat in? This is not that cat. And when I first brought him home and he wanted to be in my face as much as possible? Gone.

I kinda feel like this cat tricked me.

Don’t get me wrong, he’s still a really cool cat. I’m not gonna trade him in for a better model… you know, like one who WANTS TO CUDDLE. Ehem.

Husband refers to him as a “proximity cat.” He enjoys being in the same room as you. Right now he’s sleeping on the couch near me. Proximity. But he no longer wishes to sleep on me or in my arms. Like at all. He either doesn’t sleep in our bedroom or sleeps under the bed. I’m not sure. When I go to bed, I don’t see him again until morning after I wash up. He does not wish me goodnight. (Which BTW, was my most cherished memories with Jack). When I go to bed, he does not come. For a while, when I get up in the middle of the night to pee, he’d come out and let me snuggle him for a bit before leaving. However, the past few nights, I’ve called for him and got nothing. I actually thought Husband might have shut him in the office. But after brushing my teeth and coming out of the bathroom, there he is ready for attention.

The cat likes me. Don’t get me wrong. But he’s certainly a far far far cry from the velcro cat I requested. This isn’t even like cheap velcro. This is like that cheap double sided tape they use in china to stick cheap seasonal decoration bits together that have already separated by the time you get them.

And on top of everything, he likes Husband better than me.

Yeah. I got catfished. Maybe this is why he wasn’t recommenced to me initially. He wasn’t what I wanted. He didn’t “choose” me, he fucking catfished me.

I mean, don’t get me wrong. I just need to vent. I’m upset that he’s not a snuggler. He’s not even sleeping on Husband’s side of the bed anymore. I miss Jack so much. I needed a snuggle buddy. He’ll change. And it’s good that he’s so comfortable to just lounge around where he pleases and not cling to me out of fear.

I don’t think another cat is the answer. If Louie was all over us trying to get attention, I’d say he needs a friend. But Louie is totally cool with just doing his own thing. He loves looking out the windows. And he plays with his toys a lot — just by himself. I got him a motion activated chick. He attacks it and it starts chirping and waving it’s wings and then he just leaves it until hes ready to sneak attack it again.

I like having a cat. I LOVE that he greets me at the door. He does do that. He’s very excited when I wake up (after I’ve cleaned up) and when I get home. It’s just… I feel like he tricked me with all the snuggles and love bombing.

Jack was so fucking awesome.

Black Hole

Posted on | by cursingcats.com | Leave a Comment on Black Hole

I still miss Jack more than anything. You see all these bittersweet comics like this one where your pet is still with you:

But they’re not. They’re gone. I WISH I could imagine he was still around. I would love to see movement in the corner of my eye and think it was him. Or feel a ruffle on the bed and think it was him. I don’t get that though. I haven’t got that at all. I would absolutely love to be the bat shit crazy cat lady that thinks her dead cat is still around. I wanna be that crazy person.

It would be so much better than the emptiness. Just the void. Today I left a hamburger bun on the counter and had the reflex that Jack might get it. But before I even finished the thought I just was filled with the emptiness that no, he won’t.

Delusions of happy thoughts

Posted on | by cursingcats.com | Leave a Comment on Delusions of happy thoughts

Today was my last day at my shitty job. They read me out a little early so I got home around 3:45. Mr C took a nap, but I had to stay “up” for the AC repair guy. After he left, I decided I wanted a nap too. I set my alarm for an hour and a half so I wouldn’t sleep too long. I ignored my alarm. Mr C got up to go fetch him some dinner and I stayed in bed kinda 75% asleep and 25% awake. Maybe 80/20. I miss Jack. Obviously, sometimes I think about getting another cat when I’m ready. So I was thinking about looking at cats. I have a long weekend between jobs as I have Friday off and Monday is a government holiday. I thought maybe mom could come up and we could look at cats together.

That would be nice. She could help and it’d be something we could do together. Maybe hit up a few Saturday adoption events. I wasn’t decided or anything, just a thought I probably wouldn’t act on. I decided to get up when a strand of Christmas lights went out on the bedroom tree changing the general cast of the ceiling from a warm red to more of a green shade – then that strand must have completely died and returned the walls to the warm red. When my feet hit the ground I remembered mom’s dead.

I saw a gently sweeping stripe of dead lights on the tree confirming my suspicions.

Wouldn’t have been as good as Jack anyway.

I miss my Jack Jack

Posted on | by cursingcats.com | 1 Comment on I miss my Jack Jack

I miss my Jack Jack. This past few days have been a new wave of sadness. I suppose it started with one day this week when I got home. You know how, when you get a new pet, you realize all the stuff you have to change? No more toilets left up, no open doors, no leaving food out — stuff like that. Well, I’m trained for Jack. So I came home and was careful not to swing open the door because he’s always right there waiting for me to open it. But… he’s not anymore. Like for that little minute I forgot he died and expected him to be behind the door.

Then, I had to read all the “The Loving Reaper” comics. Link here on WEBTOON. They’re PSA comics that are beautifully drawn and depressing AS FUCK. And a lot of them involve pets and terrible human beings, and obviously, death. So that didn’t help. I know.

Then, I went saving off old photos. This wasn’t related to Jack. We did our annual gingerbread tradition and I wanted to look at past gingerbread parties. I’ll get into it in another post — but it led me to going through all of Facebook and even back to Flickr for photos. So I also took the time to download all of these old photos (yes, you can request a zip file of every photo you’ve ever uploaded to Facebook). I saved them to my google photos for good future keeping.

LOOK AT MY SWEET BABY! Look how little he was! Those cheeks!

And here, he’s being all curious and adorable.

And I miss his little foot prints.

I just miss him so much. He loved when I’d come home and scoop him up like a baby and rub his belly and talk to him. He’d turn on that fake hamming-it up purr that sounded like a motor while I rubbed his “polka dots” (belly) and stuck my finger between his toe beans so he could squeeze it. He was such a good boy. He loved me so much. I really miss him a lot.

The past few nights (maybe 4ish?) I’ve been getting terrible anxiety at bed time. I’ll get anxiety tummy and then a tight chest.

I also started following this local cat place on Facebook and so that’s had adopting another cat on my mind. I think it’s just upsetting me though. I want JACK. I want Jack back. I want my biggun’

I’ll hide that cat page for now. I’m just upset all over again. Now I’m getting anxiety attacks every night. Ugh.

He’s Gone

Posted on | by cursingcats.com | 1 Comment on He’s Gone

Yesterday we said goodbye to my fuzzy soulmate. I had spent all week thinking of the million things that could go wrong and stressing out. But it went well. He had a good death. I had second guessed myself — he was doing so good and happy, maybe we should wait? But he was on 5 different medications plus IV fluids and two of those medications were for pain. You’d think it would have been the kidney disease we treated for two years or the cancer we discovered a month ago. Nope. Just an old cat with arthritis. He was just in too much pain between those miracle shots. So we chose to let him go before the second shot wore off. I couldn’t let him be in so much pain again.

He had a good week. No pain. He cleaned his plate every day. We had cake every day. We celebrated his birthday. He ate at the table with us. K even brought him his own Arby’s sandwich. I let him go outside. He wasn’t interested, but he went out and nommed a leaf in the back and a fern in the front. He had the option. I gave him tons of kisses. We took a family selfie. I camped out on the couch so he could sleep in his heated bed and still be able to see me without having to go upstairs. He woke me up every morning and wished me sweet dreams every night. Just like always.

When Friday came, I did what was right by him. We took him to the vet at 8:00am. Mr C drove us. They gassed him and put in a catheter and handed him back — still groggy and in a cone. Lord help, that cone was a bit of levity we needed. When he woke up half-way to home, he was looking around like the Pixar light. And lord, the lemons. Why lemons? We laughed.

I didn’t make him wear the cone all morning. It was only 3 hours so I figured I’d keep a close eye on him. We snuggled. We had more cake. He couldn’t rest with his foot all bandaged up as it was bothering him. So an hour before they came, I gave him a big dose or gabapentin as they told me to. He fell asleep in his heated cat bed for the last hour. When the vet arrived, Mr C let them in while I woke him up gently. He was a sleepy kitty. We sat on the couch and I held him like a baby with his head draped sleepily over my arm. There was only a brief interruption where they unwrapped his cath. But he quickly forgave them. I hugged him and stroked his head while he fell asleep for the last time. He had the faintest bit of a purr right before he fell asleep.

I had held it together pretty well. But as he curled into a limp ball in my arms and they confirmed he was gone… I lost it. I ugly cried and wailed like a terrible movie actress clutching a dead cat. My beloved Jack was gone.

God bless and be with the sweet vets who have to see people go through that every day.

He was so much more than a pet to me. I hate to say he was my everything because I have to move on without him. I have Mr C and family and friends. But when I got Jack, for a long time he was my everything. There were times I only willed to live because who would take care of my Jack? We lived alone when I had no friends or family relationships to speak of. He was with me through all my therapy. I got him in 2005 when I still lived in the college dorms! I got reported for having a cat daily, but I had my therapist declare him a therapy cat so it was allowed. Man that really got under peoples skin. Ha.

He was with me through every date I ever had. I told him all my secrets. I loved him as much if not more than he loved me. We were a part of each other. I’ve always loved coming home. Some people dally at work or hang out at the gym or go to the bar to avoid home, but not me. No screaming kids here. Just my beautiful house, Mr C and my sweet Jack. He was always so happy to see me and I to see him. We’d hug and tell each other about our days. He was always a talker. (His name was Screamer when he was adopted as a little kitten.) And we’d settle in to mindlessly relax and watch TV and wile away the hours on the internet while he purred in my lap.

At some point he stopped sleeping with me all night. But he’d still wish me goodnight and make sure I wasn’t going anywhere before he left. I made sure to get a picture of our last goodnight on Thursday…

Sweet dreams, Jack

God I loved that cat more than you can imagine. He wasn’t a cat to me. And last night I bawled again as the only prayer I could get manage to get out through the tears was to please take care of my Jack.

I’ll get a cat again. But there will never be another Jack. He knew me before I knew myself. He took care of me by giving me a reason to get up and keep going. He was the best friend I could have wished for.

It is scheduled.

Posted on | by cursingcats.com | Leave a Comment on It is scheduled.

Jack is scheduled for at home euthanasia next Friday, the 14th. I would appreciate your prayers during this tough time for me and for him. Losing him and mom is just… *sigh* too much to bear.

For the cat owners out there, I’d like to point out two medications that have been amazing for him. First, the Porus One for his kidneys. It’s a powder to sprinkle on their wet food daily and it actually has his kidney levels looking better than when he was diagnosed with kidney failure two years ago. And he doesn’t even notice it. So much better than the pill I was giving him before.

The second is the Solensia shot for arthritis. This one is a miracle in a monthly shot. I took him to the vet almost three weeks ago and he was in so much pain he wasn’t eating. They gave him this shot and by the time we got home, he went straight to his food and his old younger self. Amazing game changer.

Unfortunately for Jack, the shot wore off quicker than a month. Yesterday he took a very sudden and unexpected turn. He didn’t touch his breakfast and was in so much pain he didn’t want to leave his heated cat bed. So today we went back for another. He’s already obviously feeling better. He’s eating again and just hopped up on the couch with me. So with hope and prayers, I hope we will have a good pain free last week.

Next Thursday I will take him to the vet one last time for some happy gas and a catheter placement. Then on Friday they will come here and be able to give him the medications through the already-placed catheter. So Thursday night, I’ll blow up an air mattress and we’ll have a slumber party in the living room. I hope he will be pain-free enough to enjoy some treats he’s not been allowed to have in a long time.

Over here living my best life

Posted on | by cursingcats.com | 1 Comment on Over here living my best life

I’m sorry I haven’t been posting. I’ve got a few posts cued in my head to write but I’ve just been so tired. Between working out (which I didn’t even do last week) and working, I’m just beat. Work is a fucking grade-A tragedy right now. What a cluster fuck. I think the government is going to pull funding on our contract for real. I’m also worrying a lot about Jack — did he eat enough, is he in pain, is he breathing well? So that’s a lot of emotional energy. Oh and of course worrying about Mr C’s shoulder which I’ve had to keep clean and dressed – and is HE getting enough to eat too? So much emotional energy. And I feel like I have no time to just chill. Which isn’t true, but I’m just tired, yall. I’m tired. But not today!

Why not today? Because we died my hair pink! I’m absolutely in love with it. K’s mom did it this morning. I had such a great day! I went over to K’s house this morning and her mom dyed both our hair pink and K2 joined us just to hang out. Then, when we were going to head out, we were all hungry so I picked up Mr C and we went to this really cool screened patio between the new 5 Guys and Super Chix. Excellent day.

It’s been a busy weekend. I hate busy weekends but It’s been good! Friday was my off-Friday so I spent the morning getting all the vines off the house and trimming the bushes while Mr C was at the doc. I thought this would make Mr C very happy since he’s mentioned those damn vines a couple of times but it did not. He wasn’t unhappy — he was just “meh” about it. So that was a wasted effort. It would have had to be done eventually, but it didn’t have to be done on my day off. Oh well. The house looks excellent. Especially, with all my Fall decorations! I put up Norbert and the pumpkins and mums in the entry way are on point. I love pulling up in the driveway to see them. And I’m very proud of how nice the yard and bushes look. Some times I wonder if Mr C realizes how much I do, but I guess you just gotta do it for yourself. And I like how it makes me feel.

Also Saturday was October first! And how did we celebrate? Well K and K2 came over and we watched Hocus Pocus 1 and then the new Hocus Pocus 2! Then we went to Pinots Pallet and painted BAT CATS!

Thats my bat cat on the right with the last Halloween one we did three years ago on the left.

So good weekend. Yep, yep. And a great agenda coming up. Circus on Thursday! Not the mean-animal kinda. It’s the fun acrobatic, holy-shit-how-did-they-do-that kind. And Mr C and I are having professional photos done on Saturday for our upcoming tenth wedding anniversary! And whats so close that it’s showing up in my google calendar? THE START OF MY SLEEVE TATTOO!

So yeah, I’m tired and emotionally exhausted but life is good. Real good. I mean, the cats dying so that’s harsh, but it’s part of having a pet. You get to pour all of your love into them and then they… well, they don’t last forever. I’ve chosen the urn for his ashes. All that’s left is to keep him comfortable and to try to give him the best last days we can. With lots of extra kisses and snuggles.

Jack

Posted on | by cursingcats.com | 1 Comment on Jack

My precious little soul-shard is approaching the end of his life.  The past two weeks he’s been eating less and less to the point where he was only taking two bites of his food and then never going back for more.  I couldn’t even sway him with cheese!  His food looked like refried beans with cheese – even microwaved to melt the cheese – but no dice.  He wouldn’t eat it.  So I took him to the Vet on Monday.  I wanted an update on his kidneys and to adjust his pain meds anyway.  So away we went. 

It did not go well.  He screamed like a banshee as they tried to draw blood.  I could hear him and I was horrified.  I wanted to run to him and help them.  He’s better with me.  But it continued.  I called Mr C to keep from crying.  Finally, the vet came in and asked if they could sedate him to draw his blood.  Of course, I agreed.  Please dear God let him sleep.  I know that cats hide pain well, but I knew Jack was in pain.  I thought I was just attuned to him.  I had no idea the amount of pain he was really in. 

I knew when I trimmed his nails he was much more sensitive than usual.  And He took a lot longer to get comfortable laying down.  But apparently, I only saw the tip of the iceburg.  His lack of eating might very well have been that he was just miserable and in pain.  He gets gabapentin twice a day for pain.  However, they gave him a brand new arthritis medicine at the vet.  It’s a shot they get monthly.  And while he was out, they took X-Rays to try and understand what was wrong with him while the blood tests processed.   I was much calmer knowing he was asleep and I no longer heard his wails of anguish so I waited to hear what the vet thought. 

Surprisingly, his kidney function is actually better than when he was diagnosed with kidney failure.  The vet commended me on my obvious work to get him healthy.  We had both expected him to have taken a turn for the worse and that was what was happening.   But no.  The X-rays showed a far worse problem.  He has a large mass in his abdomen.  It already almost fills his entire abdominal cavity.  She was surprised he didn’t suffer from shortness of breath.  The only thing I’ve noticed is more pain and the lack of eating.  I’d have never known.  

So this is much more dire than kidney failure.  Without knowing what kind of mass it is, we don’t know how aggressive it is.  It could be weeks, it could be months – but this mass will choke out his lungs and heart.  She talked to me about the options.  She made clear the emphasize that we needed to consider “to what end.”  She could send me to a veterinary oncologist who could do a soft tissue biopsy and find out what kind of cancer or growth it is.  Then we could possibly treat it with radiation or chemo.  But to what end?  He’ll be 17 next month.  He’s already outlived his kidney diagnosis.  And he absolutely HATES the vet.  Jack does not want to leave the house.  It pains me to take him to the vet at all.  He’s an old man cat.  He doesn’t need that stress.  And a surgery at another vet just to diagnose?  And for what?  Another month or two with him?  Weeks of cancer treatments and vet visits?  A life in a cone to keep him from opening his wounds? 

No. 

I just watched my sister take her senior dog to another state for cancer treatment.  Only to have to put her down a week later.  And the dog suffered because she wouldn’t let her go.  I won’t do that to Jack. 

I explained to the vet that money was not the issue.  Jack is my everything.  I cried.  He’s my little familiar.  My fuzzy soul mate.  But what would she do with her own cat?  Would she pursue it to no end?  No.  I will not do anything invasive.  I want him to have the best quality of life with what he has left.  So we decided on hospice – palliative care.  We’ll treat his pain and try to get him eating.  In 3 weeks we’ll check him out again and do a quality of life assessment.  And when the time comes, I will have someone come to the house.  I don’t want his final moments to be terror at the vets office.  We’ll have cake icing and oreo cream and Arbys sandwiches and he’ll fall asleep at home with me. So we decided on ramped up pain medication via the monthly shot.  We’ll do a appetite stimulant that gets rubbed in his cute little ear.  And potassium as his levels were low and it might put a little more pep in his step.  I’m pleased to say that when we got home he went to his food bowl and took a bite.  Not much, but progress!  He didn’t even notice that I gave him his appetite stimulant as I love petting his fuzzy little ears.  I put his potassium gel in a butter cup and he slowly lapped it up.  That cat loves cream.  Throughout the evening he ate more and more.  I felt terrible that it must have been the pain that was causing him not to eat.  As the shot took effect, he was much happier to nom on his leftover breakfast. This morning I can happily say that he cleaned his dinner plate for the first time in weeks!  And I told him what a good boy he was via some ear rubs with a little appetite stimulant snuck in.

Some Things 2/19

Posted on | by cursingcats.com | Leave a Comment on Some Things 2/19

1) Chicken bologna has 4 carbs per slice. Beef bologna has less than 1 carb per slice. What the fuck are they putting in that chicken bologna?

2) Jack had his vet visit for vaccinations and kidney check up on Friday. They took him back to get blood and returned with one tech holding him and another scrunching his neck while he growled like a feral. “I’ll take that. Sorry.” LOL Then they found a heart murmur. Booo. So they wanted to get a blood pressure. The vet wanted them to take him back and the poor tech was like, can we do it in here? He’s calm with his mother. Again, sorry yall. So I held him while they did everything else. His blood pressure was fine. His kidney levels are, as expected, still stage 3 failure but have improved by like .01. And he hasn’t lost any weight. So good on that front!

Unfortunately she said cats don’t usually show signs of heart trouble. And the sign of a heart murmur is usually just finding them suddenly dead. Well, can’t fault them for holding back. So thats nice. Now he has kidney failure and a heart problem. Nothing to be done for the heart problem since his blood pressure was fine. Oh and they are transitioning him from the kidney pills to a power you mix in his food. Nice! He still has the liquid to take, but now we dont have to wrestle with pills twice a day. Which will be great when I’m recovering from surgery…

3) I had my pre-op on Friday! Breasts are paid for and scheduled for march 15th. I’m having the side and back fat removed and a lift with implants. They’re also gonna do a revision to my tummy tuck to get more skin now that my swelling has gone down so much. Yay! I’m more excited since I got to REALLY sit down and talk about size with the nurse. They’re gonna order multiple implants (high profile, smooth silicone gummy implants). I’m asking to be around a DD but not bigger as I don’t want shopping for bras to be difficult. She assured me they’ll try different sizes and the whole team of nurses and the professional plastic surgeon will all weigh in on what looks best. So I feel more relaxed about it.

She also gave me one of their bras (you have to buy your own but they had a few) to show me what to get. I thought my current zip fronts were fine but they’re not because they’re flattering and push your boobs together. Apparently we don’t want that. We want the implants exactly where the doctor put them. So the bra she gave me has absolutely no support. Why ever wear it? So I ordered two more of them so I’ll have 3 total.

I’m gonna have drain(s?) again. UGH.

4) Jack wasn’t the only one getting vaccinations Friday. I got my Covid booster shot. Woot!