Category: Work

Some Things 3/29

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1) So today marks two weeks since my breast lift, augmentation, and tummy tuck revision. Tummy tuck, 100% fine. Breasts are extremely tender and achy. Especially if I let myself get cold (which I prefer to do because I’m hot natured). If I get cold, it’s game over – the boobs doth protest. Also I still get a sharp pain on the right with a deep breath. Because he sewed them to my ribs. Can’t wait for that stitch to dissolve! Did not expect to still be in any kind of pain at this point. I thought the boob jobs were easy peasy!

2) I go back to work in 1.5 days. I’m dreading it with all my being. I suck at my job — or at least I feel like I do. I don’t derive any happiness from it. I just feel inadequate.

3) I tried to call my sisters and sis-in-law this morning. As usual, no one answered. They won’t return the calls either. It’s so lame. My brother would answer but he’s so busy and might be at work. I just wanna keep in touch with my family. Also, I just had surgery — you don’t wanna know how I’m doing? I call LAME. Lame flag on the field.

Zoom Meetings

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I wish more people used their cameras in work meetings. I’d like a face to associate with a name. So I tend to turn my camera on a lot more than other people. I don’t get dressed — I’m still in a tank top and compression sleeves and a compression binder — but I throw on a cardigan and turn my camera on.

Today we were about to have a meeting with the customer so my manager wanted to play around with her settings. I decided to do the same. I finally found the blur background (I had never looked for it). I work in the spare room and so my background is actually a lovely piece of art I made myself that is covered in paper succulents and says “Relax.”

Relax -- Seen here with my lazy Coworker.
Relax — Seen here with my lazy Coworker.

It’s perfect for when this was a guest room. However, it’s a little too on-the-nose to my work ethic for work purposes. So Now it’s blurred. Nice.

Now… I also found an option to “soften my appearance.” Now, I do hate the weighty standards and expectations that Photoshop and filters have brought to everyones body images. I, myself, hardly ever wear makeup and don’t touch up my photos (unless it’s going on a Christmas card and there was broccoli in my teeth). BUT. That said… this setting makes my camera not show every flaw in my 39-year-old, sun damaged, PCOS-affected, stressed-picked-at skin. I look younger. I look like I have makeup on. I look like I didn’t just roll out of bed and walk in here.

I cranked that shit to 75%

Sorry, not sorry.

Angel Number

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So today, while being a terrible person and looking at Facebook on my phone instead of better things, I saw Misha Collins post about “Angel Numbers” — cause yesterday was Twos-day. 2/22/22 (in American notation). So he posted a number to text for your angel. Well, im in a funk so I texted it.

“Hello Angel Number, I’m very depressed and worried about my job and lack of contributions, knowledge, and motivation. I think I’m not good enough to do it and I don’t have that drive to dive i and figure it out. And the upcoming court mediation Friday is gonna be a cluster fuck. If I get the max, I won’t recoup 10% of my losses and they’re no offering the max even. C’est la vie.”

Then it asked me if I was a Russian bot and I kept texting cause I got shit to say.

“I am, in fact, not a Russian bot. Just a down in the dumps software engineer. I feel so screwed. I had a car accident that caused me to miss almost a year of work so I lost the job I liked and about 80k. When I got the OK to go back to work, I got put on a shitty contract. I hated it so I left for this job in November. But now I feel woefully unqualified and my depressive instinct is to shut down rather that pick up the reigns. Now we’re finally trying to settle with insurance over 2 years later and they’re offering 7k. No, thats not a typo. They’re offering 10% of my missed wages. AND I have to pay back for medical care, disability benefits, taxes, and of course the lawyer get 40%. I’m getting fucked!”

“I wish I could focus on the good stuff in my life. I’m finally getting plastic surgery to spiff up after massive weight loss. The second surgery is set for March 15th. I wish my mom could see! But oh yeah, she died of COVID before there was a vaccine. “

“I miss my momma and I hate my job. I’m crying to a text number dammit.”

“Mustn’t cry during work hours. At least I finally got my super sweet goomba tattoo.”

“Oh and no worries, I’m not a suicide risk. I have a psychiatrist and I take Valium PLUS 3, yes 3 antidepressants. And I have an awesome husband and cat. Oh yeah, the cats in stage 3 kidney failure with a heart murmur. When the cat goes, I’m gonna lose it.”

“I hope I can get his tattoo before he dies. He’s like my little familiar soul cat, At one my, my soul reason to live was that cat. He kept me going. I want his portrait.”

Jack!
Jack – my beloved spiritual familiar in cat form.

“Look at my handsome Jack!”

“I want Megan Massacre in New York to do it but she’s crazy famous and I’m in Alabama. My next choice is Devon Greig who did this sweet goomba on me. “

“*sigh* Thanks for listening, Angel Number.”

It’s a Good Thing: Pentel EnerGel RTX Retractable Liquid Gel Pen Review

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How about a product review? I just reordered some of my absolute favorite pens. I’m pretty possessive of a good pen. I covet them. You will not take my good pen. And ever since I found these Pentel EnerGel RTX Retractable Liquid Gel Pens (Amazon Link), the purple one has been my precious. I’ve ordered a set of just purple and now I’m ordering another set of the multi-colored package because almost all of them have run out.

Here is my original Amazon review (I’m a whore for Review “likes” — so feel free to hop over and mark my review as “helpful”) :

I signed into a meeting Monday with a brown pen — the color was meh (brown) but the ink line was fantastic. It flowed perfectly. Perfectly. I wanted it. I asked whose it was and it belonged to the meeting coordinator — he was not going to let me have his pen. So I asked to borrow the pen and wrote down everything about it. Then I went home and ordered a pack of my own. Now I have purple and dark green (and 7 other colors since I gave three to my husband). They arrived last night. *SQUEE*

Purple is my favorite color of pen to use at work. I’m an engineer so I have to keep it semi-professional. This pack has a lovely dark purple, a dark green (looks lighter in the picture — there are two greens, one is lime and one is dark), 3 of 4 blues (I’m counting the turquoise here), black and brown. I consider all of these seven colors professional enough for work purposes. There are other lovely colors here but those will stick to home use. The Navy pen looks almost black when you write with it. I prefer to avoid black and similar pens at work because I need my writing to pop on printed pages. So this multi pack was an awesome choice for me. Next time I might just order a set of purple. However, I wanted to try all the colors first.

I’d consider getting a nice metal version of this pen and just switching in these ink wells. However, then I’d be even more possessive of my amazing pen. I might develop a tick when someone asks to use it.

“My precious…”

Drains and Discouragement

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I’m never going to get these damn surgical drains out. It’s been over five weeks! Please, I want them gone. I feel like they’ll never get low enough to come out. Who has them this long? I thought it was gonna be three weeks!

I’m just feeling discouraged. Depressed. Melancholy. I’m tried of the surgical drains. My new job sucks. I’m scared to dive in and try to do new things I don’t know how to do. I feel like I’ve already let my teammate down. He’s stuck with me. Ugh.

I’ve meant to finish watching the Witcher season 2 for the past 3 nights but I have not. I’ve chosen, instead, to lay on the couch and nap.

I’ve been worthless this week. Completely worthless.

Back to the Grind

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I returned to work today. Well, work from home. Even then I couldn’t actually get back on the VPN until about 2:00, so not much of a work day. And yet I’m stressed.

I mentioned my boss quit. My new temporary boss is his boss. He called me to see if I was online. I wasn’t because my account was shut down while I was on leave. We have a meeting tomorrow to discuss what I’m working on. He also wants weekly status reports. UGH. This feels like a new job. Sure, I started in November. But when I started in November, this was all just temporary because I was gonna be out in December. So I didn’t really have to do anything. Now I have to work. Actual work, not just onboarding and training and paperwork.

I’m terrified I won’t cut it. I have no idea what I’ll be doing or what is expected of me. I’m freaking out.

So yeah. It might also be because my surgical drains hurt and belly button hurts and I started my period today. But still — freaking out.

I’m going to bed early.

WFH – Week One

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I started my new job this week! First week down! Woot! I’ll be working mostly from home for now. Almost completely. Then eventually I’ll merge into a sort of hybrid of the two.

Now, I know working from home is an old hat to most people by now. However, as an essential worker, my ass has still been in a cubicle all year. So this is new for me. I wanted to give my thoughts on this whole thing. Well, initial thoughts. It’s only been one week.

MONDAY: Monday I went into the office for new hire orientation and to get badges and equipment and all that jazz. I found out I’d be working from home. This caused much anxiety. WHERE from home? Mr C works in the office! Where the fuck am I supposed to work? The dining room? My mind was racing. I also had a shit ton of training to do and no headphones so I left around three to nail this shit down. I decided to take one of the guest rooms and make it my office. I rotated the bed against the wall to make room. Mr C took my desk because his sucks, so I took an old card table and set it up in front of the window. Two computer monitors and a keyboard from my old computer set up and mostly there. I stole a reject office chair (Mr C has a sweet gaming chair for his setup). Then I headed to Office Depot for some monitor cable adapters and a mouse and boom! We have a work station. A few Harry Potter books for monitor raises and I have a comfortable two regular monitors plus my laptop set up.

TUESDAY: I rolled out of bed at 7:30 and logged in before giving the cat his meds and grabbing a drink. Fuck me, did I just get to work at 7:30 am? You’re damn right I did. This no commute thing has promise! Dude, I’m not even dressed! This is awesome. The cats curled up on the bed behind me. I like it. I like it too much. But I did end up grabbing a shirt because zoom meetings. Yay.

WEDNESDAY: I get called in for my upgrade badge. That was fast. I park it in my cube for a bit of training (so much training) and wait. When they bring me my badge, the girl next to me who started over a week ago asks about hers. Nope! Ha, I’m a high roller VIP, baby. Then once that was all done I ran three errands and picked up lunch for Mr C and I before getting back to work in my new office set up. So much training. I grabbed a foot stool from my bedroom nook and holy shit — this is what office work is missing. Foot stools. Why don’t we have foot stools? Between foot stool and the cat — I could get used to this WFH life.

THURSDAY: Fake Friday! Also after, literally, over twenty hours of training videos, I gotta get more comfy headphones. Shit. But I didn’t even get dressed today. Still got “in” before 8 AM. Got all my training finished up. Requested lots of role-specific stuff. Took an hour long nap for a lunch break. Talked to HR about December medical leave. Now I’m freaking out. I have to get paperwork and doctors notes and shit. But this is plastic surgery — can I do that? Guess we’ll find out tomorrow. I’m so freaking out now. Apparently you can’t just take unpaid leave like I could at my last job. SHOULD I HAVE STAYED AT THE LAST JOB? Fuck, I’m freaking out now. Gotta get this sorted tomorrow. Also need a white board command stripped to the closet too. Yep. Need space to hang stuff.

SUMMARY: I like it. For now. I don’t feel the satisfaction of finishing a good days work. I’m working more than ever because I can’t just jerk around because i’m “at” work technically. I have to show productivity. However, I don’t get to leave it behind. I feel like I should have done more. Like I should go back and do more. You don’t have that when work is across town.

Also, I need more chit chat in my day. I wanna talk to my coworkers. I wanna go out to lunch. This WFH thing may rock for a little while, but I can’t just never leave my house. How will I make friends? How will I get to know my team? I think ideally, I’d go in twice a week and work from home for the rest.

Those are my first impressions.

A Good Decision

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I want to remember that I’m making a good decision.  There will come times when I think I’ve made a bad one, but it’s a good one.  I need to remember that after over a year on the job, DeBitch still rolls her eyes when I talk and talks about me behind my back.  I need to remember how out of touch my boss is.  I need to remember how toxic my lead was.  And how even though my new lead is my fabulous friend – that our friendship probably can’t survive her being my lead too.  I need to remember that my team thinks I’m lazy (I am, true) and would rather have someone else.  I need to remember the gigantic pay cut I took with this job and how much of a financial loss it was staying underpaid for an entire year.  I need to remember that the friend I stayed for already moved on.  I need to remember companies aint loyal. 

I need to remember that accepting this job is an excellent move. 

Yep.  Yesterday, I formally accepted a new position.  I’ll be back up to my old salary and being Mr C’s sugar momma again. He’s very excited.  I’ll be happier.  I’ll have better boundaries with my new friend.  I’ll have a new start.  I’ll be on a program that actually pertains to my interests.  And I’ll be rid of these toxic bitches I’ve put up with for way too long.  No start date yet.  Gotta get all the paperwork situated just right before that.  But hoping for November 8th.  Hoping to put in my two weeks ASAP.  In fact, I’m about to go pee in a cup because that’s the very last thing I need to do.

Just “Average”

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Man, what a rollercoaster! Mondays, am I right? Like a shovel to the face.

My workday started out average. I’m actually finishing up one chunk of work and moving on to another. So, yay. Always good to close something out. Then I had a follow up job interview at 1:00. As in, a follow up to Friday’s interview. So great news, I’m getting offered the job! A verbal offer was made and a written one should be on the way. Nice. Nice. Day’s looking up! I told them I’d be out for December on medical leave so we settled on January as a possible start date. No official offer yet and no official acceptance yet. So riding high on that was nice.

Then a few hours later, I see that my boss called me to his office when I was doing the interview. Okay, whatever. So after a little juggling to find him when he’s actually in his office, I go see him. He wants to talk about team dynamics. So we talk about team dynamics. DeBitch hates my guts. He comments that I don’t speak much in meetings. Yeah well, DeBitch is gonna either shoot me down or talk about me behind my back so I’ve learned to just shut the fuck up. I really don’t like my job and it’s just a paycheck. I’ve been riding on waiting for the next contract since the job started.

He asks about the fact that our team had been seen as the most cohesive – which is bullshit, it NEVER was. So he asks if I came into it this way. Hell yes it was already broken before I got here. DeBitch hated E too and that’s one reason she wanted to bail – and she did bail. And T is apparently for Toxic. Everyone talks about everyone behind their backs. DeBitch hates a third of the team and all of the team hates T. T also happens to be the LEAD. There’s never any positive feedback or pats on the back. It just sucks. Sorry you’re so out of touch as management that you didn’t realize that. You’re part of the problem. Congrats!

Anyway, so then he wants to talk to me about what the team thinks of me. Apparently, I’m on my phone too much. That one is pretty weird. I do pop out to my phone during lunch because everyones crunching and I can’t take that noise, so I duck out to text Mr C and dink around. But it’s lunch, I should be able to do that. I also duck out a lot for medical-related calls or my lawyer. I work in a closed lab, so we have to leave the lab to use our phones. And unlike some other cubicle assholes, I don’t like to talk on the phone in the cube farm and disturb 20 people around me with my business. In fact, I never use my cube phone. Unlike DeBitch and Dwarf – both of which I know WAY TOO MUCH about thanks to their phone calls. WAY TOO MUCH.

So I don’t participate enough and I talk on my phone too much. Apparently, I’m also just an “average” worker. He wants to know if I’m ok with just being average. Fuck yeah I am. Listen, everyone doesn’t get to be above average – yall don’t know how fucking math works. Work is just a paycheck – it’s not my life. I’m not gonna bust my chops for a job I hate, where I’m hated, which pays 20k less than my last job. Average is excellent. He even asks if I see my job as “just a paycheck.” Isn’t that most jobs? Even all jobs for some of us? You think I’d be here if it weren’t for the paycheck? Fuck no I wouldn’t. I mostly kept calm and polite and quiet. Then I went to wash my lunch bowl out and ponder how pissed
I was about this conversation. So I went back and told him I’m not gonna speak up in a meeting when DeBitch is just gonna talk about me later. It aint that deep for me. And if the team doesn’t think I’m good enough, then feel free to put me on a new one. I like most of my team, but I won’t be upset if I’m traded. Trade my ass.

And I’d love to talk to K2 about this. But K2 is also my new lead and honestly, I can’t tell if anything we talk about inside or outside of work is as a friend or as a lead now. She knows I hate my job and am actively looking for a new one. But boss man says multiple team members had these opinions of me. So is she one of them? Should I tell her I got a new job coming? It really sucks because I adore her, but when she asks how I’m feeling is it because she cares or because I’m not working fast enough?

It sounds like I’m being extra because she’s my friend, right? Well, earlier in the year when I was falling apart over moms death she came to me to help me get along on my work. I thought she was just a sweetheart, but no – she was directed to by douchebag T who couldn’t talk to me himself.

I’m codependent, yall. I always think people only like me as long as they can get something out of me. And she did kind of desperately need a hand earlier and of course I offered because I adore her and would totally be best buddies. And we’re gym buddies, I guess, and we work together, so who’s to say it’s a real friendship at all and not just of convenience and colocation?

I need the new job now just so I can figure out my fucking friendships. Jesus, I’m so confused right now.

I live in “Office Space.” My boss literally asked me if I’m “okay with being average.” If you want me to wear more flair, Stan, raise the minimum flair!

Some Things 9/23

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1) It’s hard having friends at work.  Are they asking why you’ve been a funk the past few days because they care or because you’re not getting enough shit done?  I honestly don’t know and that bothers me. 

2) This could be fixed by getting another job.  This would also fix the suffering working with DeBitch has brought into my life.  It’s hard working with someone who hates your guts.  Real hard.  So I applied for a new job today.  They reached out to me so, I just replied.  I’m also gonna submit my transition team paperwork that was emailed to me today as well (to transfer to a new contract with my current company).  Maybe both of these coming to my email at the same time is a sign – move on. 

3) Talked to my lawyer today – terrible news.  We’re not going to get much money at all out of this lawsuit.  We will come out making just a little over the 7k they offered to settle with me.  But you know what?  It’s gonna cost those fuckers like 200k for me to get it so SUCK IT BITCHES.  Good thing Mr C and I weren’t counting on making money back. 

I had secretly hoped it would cover my plastic surgery plus a sweet tattoo, but alas – it will not even cover one of the surgeries.  *sigh* (I just want you to know, I literally sighed heavily as I typed the word “sigh”)

4) Some good news?  Well, I kicked ass at Crossfit on Tuesday.  I JUMP ROPED.  Oh it sound so small and simple but is it?  I’m 37, I can’t even remember ever jump roping and I certainly couldn’t do it 2 months ago.  But I can now, bitches!  I also did my knee tucks hanging from the pull up bar rather than laying on the floor.  Awww yeah.  Gains bitches!