P1 “I think his name is Thomas.”
P2 “Are you sure?”
P1 “I’ve been calling him Thomas and he hasn’t corrected me.”
Me “Doesn’t mean anything. Some people call me B and I just don’t give a fuck to correct them.”
P2 “That’s because your name is B.”
Me “You’re one of those people.”
Keep in mind, I’ve never interacted with this person outside of my cubicle. Where my name is prominently displayed.
Don’t get me wrong on this post, I LOVE our house. I love living in our house. This post merely reflects on all the pains and costs of home ownership we’ve had in less than a two month span.
1) You remember the AC went out. I wasn’t aware it needed regular inspections and cleanings. So a stupid handyman got me for $450 before I hired the guy who installed it to really fix it. It needed a new part and some freon and a good cleaning. Haven’t got the bill yet, but thats gonna be around $1,000.
2) Had the septic tank pumped. I was pondering the AC and what else we might have neglected in our 6-year-old home. I looked it up and those things are supposed to be inspected every three years. Oops. So I just had someone come pump it.
3) I had to install new cartridges in the pool filter. After I installed them, the manual release valve decided to start leaking. I’ve ordered the part and hope to fix it myself.
4) Last night mailbox 3.0 bit the dust. RIP, 3.0. These things are averaging a two year life span. Thankfully I put a call out to the neighbors to see if they’d help me install a new one. G offered his old mailbox and to install it later. GREAT NEIGHBOR! Let’s here it for G!
So one of my coworkers is a gloomy dude. He’s just kinda always signing or yawning. Great guy, don’t get me wrong. Super helpful and nice. But he seems to be upset with so much of his life yet completely unwilling to do anything about any of it.
Job turnover in his department is insane because they run them like dogs and treat them like shit. So the job market here is huge, they just go elsewhere. But Eeyore has had worse so at least this isn’t as bad as that. He used to have a job he really liked but he got injured on the job and lost it. But he won’t try to find anything like that again because at least no one bugs him here. He’s got an injury from said work injury, and he complains about it daily if not hourly. He says the doctors swear there isn’t anything wrong. But he found this one specialist that recommended this band thing that was $400 but he couldn’t find it. So he gave up.
I asked if he’d been to physical therapy “well, I don’t know what they would do” was his response. I told him he should give it a try. Get a referral from his doctor. Oh well, he doesn’t have a doctor. He had one but they closed. Then went on to tell me about all the doctors he’s called. I suggested something else and got a “yeah maybe.” He moved into a great apartment, but hasn’t had time to move his stuff in. He just really likes to complain about how much his life sucks. But he never does anything to try and do anything about it.
I asked B about it (B is my new work buddy). She said he reminds her of Eeyore. Holy shit, he does. He’s Eeyore incarnate. Which I kinda didn’t want to accept because I adore Eeyore and Eeyore is just severely depressed, OK? And then I was like, holy shit, this guy need a therapist and pills. Like STAT. I’m over here on three different antidepressants. We have a cure, my man. But how do you tell someone they really need some fucking pills?
Also, on the topic of Eeyore — the character, not my coworker. What the fucking fuck? Everyone else had houses but Eeyore just had some sticks. Yall couldn’t build him a house? Or give him a tent or even a rainfly? Hell, bring him a blanket to throw over his sticks. Help your friend out! Pooh can’t raise some fund to get him a rainfly so he at least won’t get rained on. Good Lord.
Well, we finally had my boob party! I wasn’t feeling it because I’ve been so self conscious about my stomach being bloated. Some of it’s swelling, some of it’s weight gain. So I feel like shit. I’ve also got acne and crooked boobs. But hey, we scheduled this like two months ago. Also, realistically, naked me now is still a gazillion times better. It’s always a journey, right?
I had worried that it would be too hot — both the pool and the weather. But thankfully, Friday we had some horrible storms that brought rain to cool the water and take a few degrees off the temp. So it was actually a beautiful pool day. Everyone got in and floated around! Well, not Mr C; that’s not how he rolls. D even went home to get his swim suit since he hadn’t brought it. The water was perfect.
So what made it a boob party? Well, I have boobs and A made boob cupcakes!
See! A rainbow of breasts. Some even with piercings.
It was a really good time, so I’m glad we did it. Mr C sat in the shade and kept us company on the tanning ledge. The daddy flamingo float came out for the baby flamingos to follow around. I surfed across the pool on a float. It was amazing, you had to be there. We got some great photos. And K and K2 both think my hair is looking a little thicker. Great day!
1) Two days ago, I decided to start working out again. My legs are jellofied again. I am not approved to work out chest yet, but I can work out my lower body. So I did 3 minutes (about 50) squats and 4 minutes of knee tucks on the floor. My legs have not forgiven me yet. They be hurting. Sitting down, getting up. They be hurting. My ass hurts too.
2) Boobie Party is next weekend! It snuck on up on me. Do I have to get rid of all the weeds around the pool now? Ugh. I’m not sure if I’m gonna do it after work one evening or just say fuck it.
3) I finally bought some clothes that fit my new boobs! I got a shirt from Lane Bryant that’s their “Fit and Flare” — holy shit. It looks so good, I ordered two more (different styles, same cut). I also got a dress I can wear braless. Never could have worn that before! Now if Torrid would just ship those capris I ordered last week…
4) A thought for the road:
My sister posted a video on Facebook of these little guys bobbing around her pool. She has eight – her own little flock. I immediately wanted some for my own pool so she told me she got them on Amazon. I looked them up and saw that they’re lights too! I couldn’t hit the “buy now” button fast enough!
First of all, they’re adorable. Their blank stare just seems to follow you. They bob around like they’re dancing together. Any breeze sees them turn their heads and race in a new direction. Sometimes they seem to follow you around the pool. And then when it’s too dark to swim, they light up and the fun continues.
They take on an anthropomorphic personality. We had a party and they were a huge hit. Everyone loved them. We found ourselves wondering who they liked the best. Which one is the fastest? And is the loner always the same flamingo or does it change? My friends even added accessories to them so we could see if the loner was always the same flamingo – maybe that one’s heavier or defective. The one we put the sunglasses on was the ladies man. The one with the dress ribbon around its neck seemed to be the most solitary. By the end of the party it was decided that they must all have names and the girls needed eyelashes.
This isn’t exclusive to us. My sisters want to give theirs identifiers so they can bet on which one will win the race across the pool. These little guys just take on personalities.
My first idea was different colored ribbons making bowties around their necks. However, it occurred to me that I have a box full of leis for parties so I got those out. I made mini leis for the guys and used some of the extra petals to make flower corsages for the girls. And yes, they got eyelashes thanks to a sharpie.
They’re freaking adorable. You absolutely need a flock of your own for your own pool. I cant walk past a window without checking on them day or night.
Our air conditioner was down most of this past week. It was 86 degrees (fahrenheit) upstairs. Eighty-six degrees, yall. It was crazy hot in here. It started Friday.
Friday, our neighbor texted me that our air conditioner was freaky loud. Well, what am I supposed to do about that? I agree, it’s louder than normal but I don’t know what to do about it. So I ignore it. Then Saturday, we realize both the upstairs and the downstairs are about 5 degrees warmer than they should be. Well, fuck. So I haul my fat ass up into the ceiling to check on the attic unit. Do we know the weight restrictions on those flimsy pull down stairs? No, we do not. Do we like heights? No, we do not. Do we have any desire to ascend into the insanely hot upper reaches of the house? No, we do not. Will Mr C go up there instead? No, he will not. Mr C is not remotely handy.
So into the attic we climb. The unit is frozen. Fuck. So we shut both floors off completely. We spent that first night in the Master. After that, I moved to moms room with the windows open and a box fan set in the window blowing on the bed. At least we’re not so far into summer that the nights are hot too. From then on, we just lived with all the back and side windows open. We don’t have window screens on the front of the house, so we couldn’t open those (according the Mr C). That sucks because the Master and Mr C’s office are on the front of the house. On night two, Mr C joined me in the cooler room.
So the weekend of AC breakdown was a holiday weekend. I called our home builder and asked for a repair man referral. He sent me the info of the guy who installed our system. I called him up on Sunday. He lives about an hour and 20 minutes away. He says he’d be happy to come out and look, but he’d have to charge his holiday rate of $175 an hour as opposed to the normal $150 an hour. He’d also have to start charging when he leaves his shop and stop when he gets back. So he encourages us to find someone more local to save money. Nice guy.
So I find a referral for a handy man on Next Door. He can come look at it on Monday for a $100. Great. He ghosts us. I message him and call him and get nothing. Then, at Six in the evening I get a message that he can come look. Hell, I’m desperate so, awesome. Come on. He climbs into the attic and the unit is still frozen as fuck. It’s a damn iceberg in hell. He can’t do anything until it thaws out so he says he’ll come back Wednesday. He’s a handy man so I had him put the screen back on the bird window (another source of cool evening air!) and fix a door in the entry way. So it wasn’t for nothing.
Wednesday rolls around and he returns. Thankfully, the units have thawed. He goes to the outside unit and puts in a pound of freon. Then he starts it back up. It still sounds like shit but it’s blowing cool air. He informs us that we need a new compressor. It’s not supposed to sound like that. He chats for a while. Compressors are expensive as fuck. They’re the most expensive part of the unit. He informs us it might be cheaper to get a whole new unit. Fuck fuck fuckity fuck. He recommends running they system because “there’s not much more damage we can do.” He says he’ll just take $350 instead of the quoted $500 since he didn’t fix it completely. That’s nice of him.
Well, I tell him to get us prices and Mr C and I decide we need a second opinion. If we’re gonna drop thousands of dollars on this repair, we can afford to have the installer come out and give it a look over.
So the next day I grab the warranty papers. Oh great it has a five year warranty! But it’s six god damned years old. God dammit. So I call our insurance agent to see if any of this is covered. Nope, we didn’t buy an extended home warranty. Fuck. So I call the original installer back and he’s happy to come out. In fact, he’s working two jobs on this side of town that morning (by now it’s Thursday) so he wants to stop by ASAP. But I’m back at work full time and Mr C is working in the office because it’s hot as balls at our place. So I explain to my new boss (I started the new job last week) that my AC is broken and it’s 90 degrees. I need to meet the repair guy at home. After he gets done, I’ll be sweaty as fuck so can I pleeeeeeeaaaaaassssse work the afternoon from home? They let me do that. AWESOME.
OK so first, give me a break here, I don’t know much about HVAC systems. So I explain the situation to the installer. He says none of what I’m saying makes any kind of sense. He thinks the guy was talking about the coils and not the compressor. But I’m sure he was talking about the compressor, I have Mr C to back me up on that. We researched prices. He asks which units are freezing up. I tell him the attic and the outside. He says which unit in the attic. I say there’s only one. He insists there’s two because we have two systems. The attic aint that big, so I know there’s only one. Everyone — us, the builder, and the installer — realize we need the installer to come see what the fuck is up.
So the installer comes out. He looks things over. I need to know things. First, I wanna know why the downstairs and the attic unit are connected on the same system. He explains that they are the same system. I’m lost, we have a downstairs system and an upstairs system. He says yes. The owner on the phone thought we had two SPLIT systems, hence two units downstairs and two in the attic. We actually have one split system and one all-in-one unit. The unit the handyman said was the downstairs system is just the hot air condenser for the upstairs unit in the attic. One system. Ok, that makes a lot of sense now on why they’re both frozen. But you said we have TWO systems. Where’s the other? It’s that giant ass other box outside. I had just assumed that was the heater. He informs me that both systems are heat and cooling combined. The one upstairs is a split system. That’s the unit the guy put freon in. Then there’s a whole other system over here in this box that is the downstairs. Handy man never did ANYTHING to that box/system. He just ignored it.
Handyman didn’t know Jack shit and took my $450 bucks! God dammit! Most expensive door fix ever.
So Installer has nifty looking gauges and tools and starts to work. First, Mr C and I have always been terrible about replacing our air filters. Which is doubly bad because I buy the good ones that filter more shit out. Thats great, but means they should be changed even more often. We don’t do that. I fess this up to the installer so he has the full picture. Also, our coils have never been cleaned. So they were filthy. We didn’t know that AC units needed to be cleaned so OK. Now we know. Apparently people usually do it every spring. They have the guy come out and check the freon and clean the coils. He said they say every year but we could get away with every two. Awesome, now we know. So dirty filters and dirty coils. Thats it? Well no, both systems need another pound of freon each.
Fucking handyman didn’t even put in enough freon. FUCKER.
Ok, so filters, coils, freon… The fans busted. Thats why it’s so loud. We need a new fan and motor. He needs to get the parts but that will take a few hours. So he tops off the downstairs unit and it’s running great. Sweet! I can work downstairs in the AC!
So he leaves for lunch and returns a few hours later with parts for the other system. Which I now know is a two part system. He informs us the motor had some busted ball bearings. Not a good reason why — we’re just lucky like that. Handy man had found some “goop” in the fan and thought that might have been why. I show him the goop and ask about that. He says no, that’s just the material that was covering part of the compressor and it’s pretty common to see that fall off. Fucking handy man making me look like a giant dumbass. We’re just unlucky on a bad part that’s out of warranty. Nice.
So we had filthy filters that hadn’t been changed for a lot of months, filthy coils that hadn’t been cleaned in 6 years, low freon, and a busted fan. No wonder both systems went down. But they’re fixed now and we’ve learned some lessons: