Tag: cursing cats

Tasting that Telework Life

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I’ve been tasting the telework life, and yall, it is sweet. I’ve been given permission to work two days a week from home. So I chose Monday and Tuesday. Then last week, we were iced in and had to work from home all week long. It was fucking amazing.

I can sleep super late because I don’t have to get dressed or drive in. I can wake up and be on a meeting in 5 minutes. Does that piss Louie off because he has to wait for his breakfast? Yes, it does piss him off.

Also, I can be comfortable. I have a foot rest under my desk. I fucking love having my feet up. And no ones gonna creep up and catch me talking to myself or fucking around or just looking like shit. Plus, I love my office! It’s the board game room. I added some shelves to move the books off of the game shelves and sprinkle in my own things. And I love my shelves of nick-knacks!

Today, I did some more obsessive tweaking of where everything goes. I wanted to make room for my yarn stash for crochet. I have a ton of yarn for the never-ending Christmas blanket, plus the leftovers from other projects. I moved around the books too. I rearranged the crappy mis-matched books by height and it looks much better. And I moved some shelves around that were stuff before and made them books so the stuff is more spread out. Don’t worry. If I need more space, I will not hesitate to buy another cheap Target shelf.

Yes, the pillow is on the floor so Louie has more room in the chair. He was crowded, OK?

I love my office. I love stuff. Stuff stuff stuff. I’m a stuff person. I mean do you SEE The Professional Leon-Mario crossover down there waiting to assassinate someone? Lord Concord, Star Trek Figures, my Mini Masters Jayne? All my Witcher books, that was an adventure! Notes from mom, photo booth photos of Husband and I. And my precious Penny Arcade Goombas I traded for at PAX! I got that little orange elephant keychain with mom when I took her to the chinese lantern festival at the Botanical Gardens! D & C were there and we ate at the Highway Kabbobery food truck while we watched a live martial arts play in the grass. Baby Yoda is wearing my wedding tiara that I’m wearing in that photo there — the famous texas hair photo of my momma.

There’s other stuff in there too. There’s the giant stuffed blue shell K2 gave me on the game shelf. And my desk has a sweet Bob Ross bobble head circled with the glass worry beads mom brought me back from Greece. Also the Goomba Fate sent and a special edition Funko Pop set of Crowley and Aziraphile. Plus a fake succulent with a tiny goomba tucked in the center. Like a wheres-waldo but with goombas.

I even have a light up cat ball that K gave me for Christmas. I had to plugged into the monitor and yall, I’m so stupid. So I have two huge new government issued monitors. I plugged the cat ball in to one. It happens to be the one that just won’t be turned on by the dock. The right monitor springs to life every time, but you have to turn the left one off and back on again for it to recognize it has a signal. The power button happens to be by the cat ball. So I noticed the cat ball turns itself off after a while — nice feature. Also, it appeared to detect motion to turn itself on as it would come on when I put my hand near it … to … turn on … the monitor … that it was … powered by … Ooooohhhhhhhhhh… I’m dumb.

Anyway. I have a JOB INTERVIEW Friday! It’s still government so it would just be a simple transfer with barely any paperwork. I could get away from my clusterfuck team! I bet I could be more than 2 days a week at home too! I HOPE I GET IT. And that it doesn’t suck if I do get it.

Crochet Check-In

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Last time I checked in with my new crochet hobby, I had made the woobles bat and penguin and started the blanket that never ends. So let’s check in. I gave everyone a fuck ton of Woobles for Christmas. This included my besties K and K2. I figured K is killer at crafts, so she’d be good with an intermediate kit — also it was a purple dragon and what is more K than that? So, I was wrong. The dragon is kinda hard. And the tutorials assume you know the basics. So fun twist, I ordered a bunch of easy yarn and now all three of us are going through the Penguin tutorial together. I think K has finished her potato and K2 and I are about to start closing ours up. K has the itch though and she sent us a text tonight with her progress on the dragon.

So what have I made? Well, I got a Michael’s gift card for Christmas. So I was like yeah, I’m making a big ass dragon. I got the code for the tutorial from K. We went to Michael’s and I picked up some velvet yarn. I dont love it itself — but the colors were just spectacular. I wont work with it again because it is MESSY A F. It’s also overly heavy and I actually like the feel of the baby blanket yarn better. But I made the dragon! I took three skeins of dark purple and one of gold. Here he is:

I like working with the bigger yarns way better than the tiny stuff. It’s fun seeing your project build faster. Also the fuzzy yarn is so forgiving in how visible the stitches are. This one was a PAIN though. I am not intermediate as much as I want to tell myself I am. And this one just had so many steps. So many. And I ran out of yarn (originally only bought two skeins of purple) and had to wait for more to come in the mail because no local Michaels had it in stock. Even though the one across town told me they did and I drove all the way over there — they couldn’t find it. Fuck that Michaels. FUCK THEM.

Anyway, damn it was a lot of steps. I got through about 8ish rows before I realized that the recommended hook size of 19 was far too big. So I went back and got a size 10 hook. Then frogged it and started over, Here’s an action shot:

So I felt so accomplished when I finished the body and head. I figured I was close to my dragon! I added the ears which are freaking adorable. I added horns. I took a break. Then I added a tail. But fuck — I sewed that shit on so damn crooked. But it was on there now. So I just rolled with it, like his tail is swooping. It looks better this way — totally my end goal all along. I added the spikes but they just looked so wrong. So I frogged them and redid them 3 times before deciding that’s just how they looked. Then I had to wait on my mail ordered yarn.

In the mean time, I added wire to the spikes. This velvet yarn is heavy so they weren’t standing up by themselves very well. When the third purple skein got here, I could do my wings! I got those done, Wired up the top ridge and jammed those babies in. The great news was that I had enough gold and purple left to wrap all the edges that had wire so it’s completely hidden. It looks fucking AMAZING! I’m so proud of my dragon! I had to rearrange my office shelves to accommodate him.

I thought his colors were very regal, but K2 can’t see anything but peanut butter and jelly. So his name is Lord Concord (like grape jelly).

So did I finish my Christmas blanket? Oh fuck no. I did travel with it over Christmas and worked on it the entire travel time and on and off while I was at my in-laws. Flying is much more pleasant when focusing on a craft. Really. And even the flight attendants were interested in what I was making. See: Here’s my bald ass crocheting at the airport on a layover:

So this blanket is going to take fucking forever. I’m going to TRY to budget time so that it’s done for next Christmas but that might even be tight. It’s supposed to be six rows of 15 repeats. That should be a 60″ x 40″ blanket. I was working on the 12th repeat this weekend and measured… I’m at 80″. Fuck.

So I wrapped up my 12th repeat and started the second strip. But my strips are also barely over 5 inches wide so 6 would only give me a 30″ blanket. Ugh. So I’m looking at at least 8 strips. Yes, I ordered more yarn so I should have enough. This blanket will never end. I’ve decided I will try to hold to a rough schedule of how much I need to have done each month or quarter or so and sprinkle in projects I’m more excited about. Having a row finished though is very exciting!

It’s so soft. Also, it’s funny to see my evolution into settling in to being comfortable with this yarn. My first three color rows were actually so bad that I cut them off and redid them. It had to be done. Then at maybe the 3rd repeat, I decided to hold the yarn with my fingers and crochet super slow so it wouldn’t be stretching and wiggling all over the place (it’s super thin and moves like crazy). You can really see where the row gets really thin there because my stitches were too tight. Then I got better and settled into a good rhythm. I’m doing really well now with my tension. I’m using a tension regulator that I made though. Got the tutorial off Youtube. You can actually see it on my finger in the airport photo — it’s a white crocheted ring.

I’m going to leave the rest of the imperfections of row one in there. It’s my first big project so it’s a good showing of how I evolved. I’m going to try to keep them in order when I stitch it all together.

So next up: I have the Woobles kit for the pig — plus the tiny wings kit so I can make him a pig with wings! I can’t wait to finish up the penguin I’m doing with K and K2. I’m going to make him a tiny bowler hat and pair him with the other penguin with the flying ace hat — they’re going to be Wilbur and Orville! I also bought a pattern for Lumalee and some Mario mushrooms off Etsy. I want to make it in the baby yarn like the grey bat, but I can only find very muted colors for baby blankets. So I’m waiting until I find a good yarn to buy for that.

I’ve Been Crocheting.

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Where have I been for over a month? Crocheting. Stressing and crocheting. And sure, crocheting actually sounds like something I’d do. However, until like last month, I didn’t even know the difference between crocheting and knitting. I knew there was a difference, but not exactly what and which was which. Then Facebook got me.

How? Ads. Facebook kills me with ads. It’s like “you want this?” And I do. So, I don’t know how long ago, it started showing me The Woobles. The Woobles intrigued me. Not only is it a craft — it’s all in one. It includes EVERYTHING you need. So you can try out crochet without buying anything but this one kit. Look at this:

Yes, when the Halloween collection came out and I saw pumpkins and bats, I caved. That picture is for Luna the bat. It comes with beginner “easy” yarn that HAS ALREADY BEEN STARTED FOR YOU, all the colors you need, the stuffing, eyes, and crochet needle. But it also has step by step videos. In the reviews on Amazon, one of the only negative ones was that they videos were too slow and aimed at kindergartners. Bitch, some of us are LEARNING. We need crochet kindergarten.

It took until about row four before I even figured out the “yarn under” thing. Well, the second row four. I had to unravel the first attempt. But I did it! I created a bat! I MADE THIS. I had also ordered the mini pumpkin kit so I made that shit too. I was hooked (no pun intended). I wanted to do more, but all I knew how to make was that bat. But I had some yarn from a previous craft! So I bought a hook sized for the chenille baby blanket yarn and made en even BIGGER bat (stuffing from an old pillow). Holy shit, I’m amazing.

So then, I was like… I like this. I’ve been crocheting every evening while watching the old 90’s TV show “Sabrina the Teenage Witch.” It’s simple to follow and doesn’t require a lot of attention. It’s also a cheesy throw back I enjoy. And I’ve been loving it. It’s relaxing. Instead of feeling like I’m wasting my evenings (and therefore my life) away aimlessly clicking on Reddit and waiting to retire — I’m enjoying my evenings. I’m making things again. So I ordered a kit to make a blanket, because what am I gonna do with all these bats?

Then I got antsy and made the penguin kit with his tiny aviator hat. Yall, these tiny kits (the pumpkin and the hat) are only $5 each. SO WORTH IT. Look how stinking cute he is! I’m so fucking good at this! I LOVE CROCHET. Look how fucking adorable that penguin with his hat is! He’s got stubby little wings yall! And a hat! Husband likes him so much it’s on his desk.

Then I started the blanket because I’m gonna knock this right on out.

Yeah… no. This shit is hard. One, that easy yarn TRICKED ME. It was so easy! I thought the chenille yarn was super hard because I couldn’t see my stitches, but I was wrong. This “afghan yarn” is 2 ply and slippery as FUCK. The stitches are sliding all over the place. And it barely holds together. It’s so hard to not stab right through it every stitch. So it’s slooooowwwwww going.

I’m not gonna lie. I thought about giving up on this shit. But NO. I’m gonna finish. This is my first big project and dammit, I’m gonna do it. And yes, I’m gonna fix that first dark green row because jesus, that’s terrible.

I’ve got the five color sequence done two and a half times now. I’ve figured out the yarn — that being that it’s going to stretch out and pull everywhere, just go with it. I’m not having to look at the pattern. And I can see why the pattern is the way it is. It took about 6 rows before the chevrons really started to stand out. I also thought the single crochet rows were worthless (each color is 4 rows) — but now I see. By doing the single crochet row and back stitching everything, the single row ends up completely on the back of the blanket and invisible from the front. This leaves only the two double crochet stitch rows showing on the front. It also makes them look like they’ve overlapping like fish scales. Nice. And this yarn may suck to work with, but god damn is it soft.

So yeah, Woobles. 100% recommend that shit. They were even on Shark Tank! Sure, if you already have the stuff to knit or crochet, it’s over priced. The people saying that already have hooks and shit and know yarn is cheap. But if you just wanna give it a go, this lets you do a whole project with everything. Even the little plastic eye balls! An yeah, I can look up stitches on youtube, but this is the stitches plus a slow step by step guide.

Everybody’s getting Woobles for Christmas!

Here’s my old lady ass crocheting with my cat. I love it!

Tattoo Sleeve Sessions 5 & 6

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My shoulder is complete! I just scrolled back and I didn’t post session 5. That’s because I didn’t get any pictures of session 5 after it was complete the day of and then it was under second skin and then peeling and so I never got any good photos. As you’ll recall (click here) after session 4, we had added the blue flowers and outlined the entire top. Session 5 was doing the front flowers and some of the vine on the back. First, pictures:

This session was really exciting! Look at those colors! I originally wanted to do oranges and reds. But I’m so glad we added the blues. And look at that purple dahlia! She did such an amazing job! The flowers just look amazing! Red poppies too. It’s stunning. I can’t believe the colors. I never thought I’d want flowers as a tattoo, really. They’re just part of the sleeve. But, damn. I see why flowers are such a common tattoo theme. They’re just so gorgeous. And look at my curly green vine! So cute!

So yesterday, we had session 6. We finished up everything we had outlined and added the bats. I had worried about the pumpkin lid being too bright, but it look great! And having the full shoulder done just looks AWESOME. It’s exactly what I wanted. The exact coverage I wanted swinging down o my should blade. She referred to it as a “shawl” kinda coverage. But I think of it more as part of the arm. Like I keep saying, if you had an arm replaced cybernetically or even just a prosthetic, the shoulder is involved. So I wanted that. I want the entire arm/should. And I GOT IT!

I’m in love! Look at the vine on the back! I got my swirlies! Love the pumpkins vine on my back. I made sure to get her to send me the photos this time. And yes, Jacks face looks washed out. But keep in mind these are tattoos. Jacks face is over a year old so 100% healed with 30 layers of dead skin cells over it, as your skin should be — it’s natural protection. The front is only a month old so new skin, and the new work is FRESH ink. It will all be similar brightness when it heals.

Oh and the bats look whacky here. My neck was NOT happy about them. So they are actually very swollen and red. The ink is purple and grey and they fade out at the bottom. So they look super dark, but they are not. The top outline is solid but then they fade out in purple and grey — so very ethereal. Today, the swelling is down and the color is lighter, but my skin is still inflamed and there’s blood around them under the second skin so not gonna show you. She said we’d probably have to touch the bats up because my skin was so angry, she doesn’t think it will hold the ink well.

Nothing like the pain of a neck tattoo that might need to be redone! I’d say as far as pain goes, the front shoulder was probably the worst session so far. Tattooing the collar bone and that close to the neck was not pleasant. There’s also the INSANE sensation of hearing your skeleton resonating with the tattoo machine. It’s the same speed of the machine — which is right in your ear — but you’re hearing it from INSIDE your body and it’s an insanely deep, low sound. I asked her if that’s what I was hearing and she was like “yeah, isn’t it wild!” It was so weird. Like it hurt like hell, but I kinda wanted to hear it again just to experience it and be like “wow, that’s insane.” I got to hear it a lot that day. Sometimes I had to remind myself to breathe on that one.

Also, the leaves closest to my armpits were pretty painful. I can see why they say the armpits are the most painful to get tattooed. Which I find really weird because why do we need that many nerves in your arm pit? Seriously, I’m asking. It’s just as bad as the neck. Also the healing after session 5 (the front) was the most painful. It was like my ankle when it healed — NO TOUCH. The skin was very much sore and unhappy.

Today doesn’t feel bad so I think it will be a better healing experience. So yeah, I’m super thrilled with it. So thrilled than when I get done, I think I want a photoshoot. Seriously. A photo shoot to show off my tattoo. Here’s an action shot I took yesterday. I’m covering Devon’s face because I didn’t ask her permission to post this. My bro said I looked like I was having a lot of fun. Fun is not what I would call it. I was just excited and happy. These are long ass days of driving two hours there, hours of pain and sitting still, then a two hour drive home. But, I love the results!

So another hiatus on the tattoo for now. Per my agreement with husband, I need to replace the money in my savings that I spent in the deck and pool pump. Then we can finish. We did an outline / trace / mold for her to work from next time. We’re gonna add more to the arm to beef it up and give it more of a wrap around look. I thought we were just going to add the the back, but Devon wants to add to the front and back. Just some more leaves to widen it out. Then at that appointment we will plan the lover arm. It won’t be much — but it will bring it to about a 3/4 sleeve — maybe a bit longer with a trickle of vine. It’ll be pumpkin vine swirls and some of the colorful stuff from the top.

I’m so in love with it!

The artist is Devon Greig of Alchemy Nashville Tattoo. Also known as theswiftstorm on Instagram.

Collecting

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Today, I got an email about the crowd-funded Tenth Anniversary Edition of Firefly: The Game by Gale Force Nine. (Click here to see what I’m talking about — campaign closed months ago though).

So some background: Husband and I like board games. When we got married, we had a very small collection between us. We liked to host game nights and we expanded on it. Here’s a picture from one of our first game nights.

Look at that adorable baby game collection in a blurry photo taken from a flip phone. So we added a “few” games ourselves. Plus his family does Christmas Wish Lists, so I add a few good games to ours every year. So over the years, we’ve been gifted a lot of games. His aunt even cleaned out her collection and sent us about 15 games. So now, after 11 years, we’re at this:

So, we kinda collect board games. Husband likes the harder strategic games with no chance involved. I like lighter games with chance so husband doesn’t always win. I also like trivia games so we have a bunch of great ones I’ve been gifted, but husband won’t ever play them. Which is stupid. I love trivia!

Anyway, he wanted to get me to play a longer more involved game which I had refused. So he tricked me with Firefly. Because I love Firefly. So fine, I’ll play a two hour game but if you steal Zoe, so help me god I will quit. That was an actual thing that happened and I’m sorry for being such a sore sport about it. So we have Firefly and one expansion – Pirates and Bounty Hunters — which I think is how he was going to steal Zoe from my crew. But there are loads of expansions; we just never got them all. Probably because if I get a good crew member, I don’t want you to be able to steal them. THAT’S NOT FUN. So, then came the 10th Anniversary edition. The game, all 5 expansions, EVERY promo card ever made (and those aren’t easy to find — I only have like 3 plus the Big Damn Heroes), a brand new expansion, plus a big damn box to organize it all!

Do not underestimate a big damn box. I bought the Terraforming Mars storage box (yes, JUST a box) and it’s a life saver. It saves so much time setting up the game. (Note: The game collection photo does not show the giant Terraforming Mars box. It’s downstairs. You can see all the expansions there though). Also, have you SEEN how many decks of cards Firefly has? You need a separate card table to play it effectively. This box, has them all ORGANIZED. So I ordered the Firefly game for $220. Honestly, just the game and expansions would cost more than that. And you wouldn’t get the box or the custom hand-painted ships, storage trays, huge neoprene game mat (the original board plus two expansion boards), custom dice for every ship, plus the extra ships that were released to buy separately. All of that in one, huge, organized box. WORTH IT. (Plus I’m still banging my head on a wall for missing the all wooden Catan 25th Anniversary edition that is SO AWESOME. Yall know how I feel about quality game pieces).

So yeah, I bought the Firefly Anniversary Edition. So today I got an email about it. They’re getting the first loads of games into the warehouse! On schedule to arrive in February. Sweet. Whats this suggestion? A Witcher game?

Tell me more about this game whose entire run has somehow escaped me until less than an hour before the campaign ends. Goal reached in under 5 minutes. Impressive. Almost 4.5 million raised by almost 30,000 backers? Wait, 45 stretch goals unlocked?

Yeah, I bought it. It was really the stretch goals that sold me on it. They have to include a-whole-nother damn game box (matching, of course) to hold all the stretch goals. The original game has 3 stories. Well, with stretch goals, you’re getting 8. Cause they raked in 4.5 million dollars in PREORDERS. I sprung for the deluxe pledge so I can have all the miniatures instead of cardboard cutouts. Oh, and the first day freebie I missed of the alternate figurine of Geralt on Roach.

I did not spring for the expansions on this one. I figure 8 stories is a lot. And the stories are replayable — so that’s a lot of games. I’m excited to get husband into The Witcher. He’s also excited because this is a story driven game so more like D&D meets board game. I’m hoping we’ll play a story and then he’ll want to watch that episode.

But the point is, that email tricked me! You can’t show a collector shit they collect and tell them they won’t be able to buy it in an hour. Fuck you. Now I have to buy it.

We’ve REALLY got to start hosting game nights again. They died off with COVID. This year we had exactly ONE to try out some new Christmas games – Charty Party, Puns of Anarchy, and Ransom Notes. The latter is the winner of that group.

Anyone wanna come pay a trivia game? I have 90’s Trivia and Geek Trivia that’s never been opened! Plus there’s Smart Ass and The Art of Science. Husband was even gifted Star Wars trivia (also unopened). Or we can play Christmas games! I have Christmas Vacation and the Santa expansion for Catan! He gives presents when you roll his number!

Oh. Also… a confession. Yeah, I got in on The Holiest Crap Kickstarter too. That shit looks funny as fuck. The trailer is hilarious. The concept is hilarious. It’s going to be hilarious to play and my inlaws WILL NEVER SEE IT.

“How is the Holiest Crap like real life? I have a soul that I don’t want people to see. I’m scared of them knowing who I really am. That’s why I build a wall to hide behind.

“The Wall is made of my flaws and wrong doings called “vices.” Cause when my enemies are distracted by my Chicken Crap, my Bull Crap, or my Hippo Crap, they can’t see my soul and attack me for who I really am.

“If I cover my vices with enough virtues, it’s like getting away with murder and I can flush it all away for points!”

Yall, that game trailer looks like a Saturday Night Live skit or a commercial for Log (It’s big it’s heavy, it’s wood!)

ONE WEEK TO HALLOWEEN!

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One week til the best holiday of the year! Get your candy, carve your pumpkins, queue up all the fun movies! Get some candy in case you get trick-or-treaters! I have yet to get one, but I’m gonna get a full size candy bar just in case we get our FIRST one. It’ll be “the Golden Snickers.”

I had husband take some festive photos when I had my Halloween dress on for the Hocus Pocus drag brunch. Thanks, husband! If I ever go missing or die — THIS is the official photo you are to use:

And how could I leave out Norbert:

Sunday, K2 is coming over to do a Hocus Pocus marathon (both 1 AND 2). I hope she makes pumpkin muffins!

My in-laws will be here on Halloween day. Man, they better not bring any of that zealous catholic guilt and try to ruin my best day with some “Satan’s Birthday” bullshit. I don’t have anything planned for the day of. My big Halloween was the Drag Show and our movie day this weekend.

Drag show was awesome. The venue made it insanely overpriced because fuck that venue. The show was fine but then in the second half where they actually did Hocus Pocus numbers was fantastic! The finale was all three Sanderson Sisters doing their big song from the dance in the first movie, “I Put a Spell on You.” It was fucking fabulous.

Oh and I watched Renfield on Amazon Prime. It’s a new movie with Nicolas Cage as Dracula. It’s got Awkwafina too! It’s a Horror Comedy. It was especially hilarious to me because Renfield’s thing is that he goes to CODA (Codependants Anonymous) meetings. Which LOL, so do I! So, of course, I found that hilarious all by itself. Here’s the trailer if you’re interested:

You talk about your scars not your wounds.

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I’m watching a YouTube of two doctors (Family Med and a Psychologist) discussing mental health. It’s very interesting. The title comes from that. This is over and hour, but right now, they’re talking about people sharing their stories. Specifically people sharing their stories online. The psychologist said the title: “talk about your scars, not your wounds.” He expanded on that to mean, talking about things you can discuss without breaking down and having nightmares for a week. If your tik tok goes viral, be prepared for all the feedback on your trauma. So don’t talk about something that’s still raw.

Luckily I’m 40 with a fuck ton of therapy under my belt. I find that talking about my fucked up shit helps me. It gets it out there. Like it’s not a secret. It’s not my fault it happened. I’m not the only one that went through that shit. So it helps ME in being open like “hey, this is a part of who I am. There’s reasons I’m fucked up, please understand.” But also a bigger reason I talk about my mental health is to show other people, yo — “you’re not the only one.” And then there’s also a little bit of total selfishness.

How do I explain… There’s some people I know of — who have a lot of trauma of their own. And they know me very superficially through third parties. If you don’t know anything about me — but you hear my accomplishments, I sound like green pasture, right? I moved away from my family, went to college, graduated, have a great job, married, live in an amazing house, have a funny cat, post pictures of me and my friends by my own pool. One of these people was having a major psychological crisis and I found out that part of their trauma was comparing themselves to ME because we’re the same age. I was BLOWN AWAY.

So like, I want people to know, it ain’t all roses. I grew up with a lot of family trauma. When I finally moved away, I broke down. I failed multiple semesters of college. I was self harming and suicidal and agoraphobic. I finally sought out therapy. Let’s insert an *AGAIN* here. I had sought out therapy secretly when I was old enough before I moved away from my family. I was so good at having no feelings and presenting a fake front, that after two sessions with this man, he decided to give me his treatment plan. It included seeing a dermatologist about my acne and also working on losing weight and dressing better — which I took offense because I picked out my best outfit for this bullshit. It was Lane Bryant pants and shirt! That’s quality, expensive shit. I remember this so well. It was dark brown dress pants that flared but they had a rough edge on the bottom. The shirt was a green plaid button up — but one that was cut to form fit and flatter. But I mean, I was super fat, so it’s not gonna look GREAT on me. But I was wearing good clothes that fit and were stylish. It was my favorite outfit. So I pushed back. And he said this exact quote “Society doesn’t find THIS acceptable” — while using a two arm gesture referring to my entire body. Cause I was fat.

I left and cried in the car. When I got home (no one knew I was seeking therapy or even needed it – I was totally happy). I stayed in my room for THREE DAYS and just cried. I couldn’t wear those clothes ever again. It was highly traumatic. So it took a few years before I was willing to go again. But back in 2003/4ish, I was rock bottom. So I went. And they put me on meds and a standing Monday appointments with a behavioral (talk) therapist. Eventually, I started going to CODA for codependent people who come from fucked up families. So I was hitting the root of my issues finally. And it was hard but it was worth it. I only did it because I was literally going “At worst I kill myself in the morning.” In the vein of Wesley’s quote from the Dread Pirate Roberts in the Princess Bride.

And yeah, I didn’t graduate college until 10 years AFTER highschool. Even though I was in school that entire time. I was a joke. Literally, it was a family joke. There’s a Christmas ornament on my Dad’s Christmas tree of me as a graduate — from looooooong before I graduated. Because they got everyone custom ornaments like a nurse and shit but thats what they chose for me. Not something like a painter or reflecting a hobby. Nope. Also, no one told me I could have all those failed semesters wiped from my record due to mental illness so my GPA is a 2.1. Yeah, ouch.

Yall. I am rambling now. I did not intend for ANY OF THAT to be in this post. I just got going. The POINT of this post was supposed to be a very dark humor post about an incident that happened this week.

Incident is too strong of a word. Let’s just say – something that came up.

I was browsing Reddit cause that’s most of my time. There was a thread on “Ask Reddit” about what you can’t understand how people can afford. And one of the joke/maybe not so joking ones was “A second family.” Because dude, most of us are barely affording our lives — you’re gonna have a whole ass second one? Who has the money and TIME for that!? I come home and watch youtube because I’m too exhausted to commit to an actual show or movie. Yall are juggling multiple partners and kids? What?

But… MY DAD HAD A SECOND FAMILY! And I had totally forgotten until I posted about it in this Reddit thread. Like for real — LOL — Laugh Out Loud. I forgot my dad had a second family.

So I was messaging with my husband like woah, dude, I can’t believe that slipped my mind. I wonder if my psychiatrist even knows? Like would I mention my stepbrother (I wouldn’t) and be asked how it was growing up with a step family? “Oh no no, I didn’t know he existed until I was 16.” We had declared bankruptcy for the second time and lost our house for the second time (the one with the pool where I got my moms flamingos from). We couldn’t afford a three bedroom apartment, so my evil sister moved in with mom and I moved in with dad. (Getting fucked up, right?) Then my other sister had a car wreck and had to move back home so she moved into my room at dads.

Dad called a family meeting. Not in a healthy way. He does that shit in weird ways. Like he went to help at 911 as a firefighter so he could die a hero. So we had a family meeting about how he wasn’t going to come back. It was weird.

So family meeting. Over spaghetti. I hate my dads spaghetti. He buys the chunky sauce that has like whole ass chunks of carrots and onions and tomatoes and shit. That aint right. So he announces my step brother is moving in. (My older siblings were old enough to remember the initial affair, marriage, attempt to take us away from mom – so I don’t think this was huge news to them). I didn’t even know I had a stepbrother. Apparently, he was moving in through.

Listen, by this time, I was checked the fuck out. I wasn’t remotely upset mentally. I was withdrawn eventually from this situation by a charge from my sister in law that “yo — she’s not OK, she can’t live there anymore.” I was so good at hiding and not acknowledging my emotions that I didn’t know I HAD them. I was really fucked up medically. Stress will kill you. I was having episodes of stomach pain that would bow me over. I was seeing doctors and on smooth muscle relaxers. It was all stress. But I wasn’t self aware enough to know that, much less convey that to a doctor.

So this news wasn’t distressing. I don’t think I even had a “here we go again with more bullshit” reaction. I had no reaction. So I got up to get a glass of milk. Perhaps my stomach was acting up? This was read by my father as me reacting. So I got chewed out about how we’ve always been treated as superior. My step brothers always known we had it better than him and a better life. It’s not his fault and we WILL accept him. Like “OK, dude, jesus – I’m just getting some milk.” I distinctly remember the moment and where I was standing by the ugly apartments moon light over a counter between the kitchen and dining room. He moved in and slept on the couch.

So yeah, my dad totally had a second family. He had an affair while i was a baby. He got her pregnant. He named my step brother my actual brothers middle name. Then they decided to be a happy family so he decided to divorce mom. She wanted us to call her mom and for him to get full custody (probably so he wouldn’t have to pay child support). I was too young to remember though.

No idea why it just completely died and no one told me we had a step brother LOL

I’d even stay at my dads apartment sometimes (cause I didn’t know he was a bastard — and he could afford canned coke. And he had a NES). He had a spare room “for me.” But I wasn’t allowed to decorate it at all. Probably because it was also my step brothers room. So that makes sense now. I was allowed to leave one stuffed animal there. I chose my BEST ONE. It was a huge soft lion with long arms that were weighted so he could give you hugs. What a fucking waste.

Man, I bet all of this shattered my moms heart. Especially, when I bragged that dad bought me a 12-pack of cans of surge! Why didn’t she ever tell me anything? I only found out when I was adult and decided dad could go fuck himself on my own volition. She said she didn’t want to ruin my relationship with him. FUCK THAT. Mistakes were made.

But yeah, so my dad had a second family. What a weird thing. Also, what a weird thing to forget. Like I have so much childhood trauma, I forgot about that one. I mean listen, my dad is a clusterfuck. (My sister is worse in affects on my own life). I’ve gone extremely low contact with dad. Unlike my siblings, I don’t pretend to give a fuck. Because… I kinda don’t. What a bastard.

Any time they expect things from him or are surprised at something he did, I bring up Penny the cat. He fucked that cat up so much that she lost her hair and lived on the top stair by the attic. She had been the sweetest cat when I stayed at dads apartment in my fake room. My sister watched her while my dad was out of town and dad could never get her back because she hid from him and refused to be caught. She grew her hair back. Great cat. So yeah. Like if dad mentally fucked up a CAT that bad, why are you expecting him to do decent with humans? The man is incapable. Stop it. He couldn’t even meet the emotional needs of a fucking cat. He can’t meet yours.

So yeah, sorry this was so deep. I was literally amused and validated when I realized I forgot about my dads second family. Like oh yeah, that’s why I hate that guy. I’m right.

He had a motorcycle and a boat too. While we had nothing and lost two houses and mom had 4 jobs. What a fucking bastard.

Tattoos on Young People

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So while we were working on my sleeve on Friday, a family came in to get their young daughter tattooed. The shop doesn’t take walk-ins so they were sent away. They were also informed that you can’t tattoo minors in Tennessee even with parental consent, but they could drive to Kentucky and do it there. They wanted to get the little girl a cross. She looked, I don’t know, 12ish? My artist said she won’t tattoo minors even with consent. It’s too early to dedicate to something for life.

So I didn’t give it much thought until I just saw a girl with a Volkswagen Beetle tattooed on her arm. It was very cute. And 1,000% what I would have gotten tattooed when I was younger. Even when I was old enough. One of my dorm rooms was decorated in Beetle ads. I have a very well done painting of a Beetle. I drove a 2001 Beetle for a while.

Growing up I was just obsessed with Volkswagen Beetles and Vans. They’re just so adorable. I loved the aesthetic. Then, the very YEAR I turned 16 (woot 1998), they came out with the “New” Beetle. If that isn’t a sign I don’t know what is. So my obsession deepened. I even have internet user names with Beetle in them.

But Mrs C, you’re not a Beetle person. I’M NOT! But I WAS and I would have totally chose that as a tattoo. And then regretted it. Why? Well, I finally got to drive one.

I drove a used 2001 Dark Blue Beetle for a few years. It was adorable as I always wished it would be. It was a hatchback which was a crazy wonderful new obsession. Every car should be a hatchback. And yall, the headroom in that thing was amazing. It was a very comfortable car. And it had a little flower vase built in and I had a fun fake flower in there all the time. It was awesome… peripherally.

See, I had given my sister my old 1994 Civic when I got the Beetle. I had to eventually take the 1994 Civic back. Why? Because Volkswagen Beetles are pieces of fucking shit. They have infinite problems. Maybe if you buy it new and only drive it 3 years, you’d be fine. But mine was not new. It had issues. Once the fusebox melted. They couldn’t replace it either. Why? Because everyone’s fuse boxes melted so they were on order. SHOULDN’T THAT BE A RECALL?

To change the battery, you had to remove the headlight. God help me, putting a new bulb in my back drivers side light was a contortionists nightmare. They are not made to be a car anyone can work on. The only people that can work on them are the Volkswagen Dealership. $$$$$ I had so many problems with that car. SO. MANY. PROBLEMS.

So many, in fact, that I had to get rid of it and go back to my 1994 Civic. A car that was 10 years OLDER. And That just ruined them for me.

Never meet your heroes.

So yeah. I would have gotten that exact tattoo and I would have loved it. And now, I’d cuss about Volkswagens being a fucking piece of shit every time I look at it. Good thing I waited till I was 40 for tattoos.

Friday the 13th Mayhem!

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I’ve been saving this meme for like two weeks. Remember the Allstate Mayhem commercials? Do they still make those? Those were the best. Let me do some research.

*5 minutes later* Oh Lord, I’m not doing research I’m just watching Mayhem commercials on Youtube now. Let me pause this…

*30 minutes later* — Fuck, I went to post this meme on Facebook and now I’m doing THAT. Wait a second…

“Allstate developed the campaign “Mayhem” and the character (Mayhem) in response to being ranked fourth in advertising spending behind GEICO, State Farm, and Progressive.” “Nina Abnee, executive vice president at Burnett [the advertising agency], said “We wanted to kick Flo’s ass.” “

Dang, this campaign launched in 2010! Wow. I do love Mayhem though, he’s hilarious. If you haven’t seen the commercials I’m talking about, you have the hit up youtube. Here’s one of the most memorable ones to me:

“I’m a teenage girl. My BFF Becky texted and said shes kissed Johnny. Well, that’s a problem ’cause I like Johnny. Now, I’m emotionally compromised, whoopsies *hits car in parking lot*, I’m all OMG. Becky’s not even hot!”

Dean Winters is hilarious. He just plays it deadpan. He’s always in the suit and tie. In one commercial he was a cat knocking shit off counters and laying on a bookshelf.

According to Wikipedia, he was based off of Mr White from Reservoir Dogs. They mention a run of commercials in 2018. I can’t see anything about them being out of production. Looks like he was in a commercial in 2022 and an Allstate spokeswoman said. “There’s still lots of Mayhem in the world, so he could pop in when you least expect it.” I bet he’s crazy expensive now since his career has really blown up in the last decade.

So Happy Friday the 13th!

Revisiting a Review: “Bug Bite Thing”

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I’ve posted a review of the Big Bite Thing already. It left a hickey on my forehead. See this previous post for photos and initial review. The gist of it is: This is a professional hickey maker.

Here’s my update on that previous review with photo:

We’ve discussed mosquitoes love for the sweet sweet vintage of my blood. Well, last night, a mosquito in my house got me FOUR TIMES on the shoulder. When I saw the welts in the mirror, I decided to give this thing another try. It’s not my face this time. So I ran up to my husband and got him to use it on the four bites on my back.

I have attached the resulting picture. My husband was laughing uncontrollably. This thing is a professional grade hickey maker. That’s it. Now, maybe hickeys are the cure to mosquito bites and these people are the first ones to figure that out. I suppose this is a more sterile way to create a hickey so there is that. So you get 2 stars.

I’m gonna be honest. Those four bites DON’T itch anymore. My husband swore the itch would come back when they recovered from the trauma, but they’re still not itchy. I’m not going to say they’re fine because now they’re purple, but it is what it is.

I may sound silly, but it’s a scientific fact: “Sucking is sufficient to burst small superficial blood vessels under the skin.” What does this product do? “Suction Tool” is in the TITLE. We’re all idiots.

I’m not gonna lie though. As long as it’s covered by clothes, I’ll use this thing. With full acknowledgment of the hickey that will result. I pray I never have to explain why I have a cluster of perfectly round hickeys to a medical professional. Right now it’s looks like a giant chicken stood on my back. Chickens are descended from dinosaurs so I’m going with Raptor attack.