Author: cursingcats.com

Gardening and Weeds

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I’ve been doing a lot of gardening and weed assassination the past two weeks. It started because I want to get the pool area ready for staining the fence next weekend. Well, that includes before and after pictures and the weeds back there were a bee and dragonfly haven. Good for the bugs, but man it looked bad. So last weekend I did roundup all over the rocks. This weekend I took a weed-eater to knock down all the weeds.

They did not go quietly into that good night. Not only did the round-up not kill them off, but they didn’t like my weed-eater. The battery died halfway through the area. So I had to wait for it to charge up again. Then when I got going a second time, it ran out of string/line. I finished the job but inhaled so much solid pollen that I couldn’t sleep for the stopped up nose that evening. Fucking weeds. Don’t surround your pool with rocks for easy upkeep. It is the EXACT opposite. It would be so much easier to just mow some grass.

I also weeded my front flower beds because in for a penny, in for a pound. I purchased my new pool hat early so I could garden in it. It’s for sun protection, after all. I had Mr C come down and take a picture of me all gardening and being housewify. I posted it to Facebook because it made me feel so mature. Not mature in a “I can do what I want” way but more of a “I have special outfits, gloves, and hats just to garden in now — I AM the old lady from Steel Magnolias now” kinda way.

My sister commented with a matching pictures of my sweet momma in the same get up gardening in her yard. (Thats me on the right in the hat).

Mom was usually the one to weed my flowerbeds. She couldn’t sit still and got antsy, so she pretty much weeded everything every day. I mean, realistically, thats how you stay on top of it. You have to constantly be on those bastards. Sadly, this year it’s just me. Miss you, momma. But I’m super proud of my flower bed. Look at those Candy Corn Spireas! I just adore them. (See, middle age. Men buy cars and electronics, women nest).

Also I treated the bats to some new life under the bat pole. I got them some additional day lilies (they already had yellow, now they have red too) and some purple summer plant the guy at the nursery recommended. Holy shit there’s a lot of bat guano under that pole. First night I counted 37 bats leaving. There has to be more than that in there now judging by the piles of guano. I need to scope it out one night this week and see how many we’re up to. I really hope I didn’t scare them too much today by gardening under their house. I didn’t hear them screeching at me and I tried to be fast.

Looking down.

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So this morning at work I was consulting the Senior Scientist.  Yes, that’s his real title, I’m jealous.  My goal is to become a SME (Subject Matter Expert) which is basically what he is, but I’ve never heard them called “Senior Scientists” before this job.  It sounds so fancy.  Now I want to be one even more.

SMEs are basically the unfirable people the company can’t live without.  They can curse out the customer and not get a slap on the wrist.  They’re just too valuable because they know everything about that thing and no one else does.  I know of a one-degree-of-separation-from-me SME that was on a customer call and started ranting and cursing.  The customer being fucking NASA.  Management’s response?  Let’s not tell him when we have customer calls anymore.  I worked with a SME, Rich, and he was like 75 and already maxed out his payscale but he was too invaluable to the company to lose.  I personally witnessed him in a meeting tell the presenter “there’s no fucking way that’s gonna work and LAUGH.”  He was right, of course.  And no one said a thing.  Because it was Rich and Rich is like the guru go-to for that piece of software that no one else can figure out.  He could do something in 2 hours that would take someone else a month to figure out.  Rich knows more than you ever will.  And he can retire any minute he pleases so you don’t say shit to Rich.  SME life is where it’s at.  I just wanna be so valuable to a company for knowing everything about this one niche piece of legacy software that I can curse at whomever I please without repercussion.  It’s my only career goal besides retirement. 

It sounds like you have to be a genius to be a SME.  You don’t.  You just work on a piece of software long enough and you end up knowing everything about how it works by nature.  You just become the person everyone comes to to ask questions.  You know where this new code needs to go because you worked on that piece two years ago and you were at the initial design meetings where it was discussed.  The other engineers would need to work all that out, but you just remember it.  You have become the SME simply by staying in one place for so long.

Anyway, SME discussion aside, I was talking to our “Senior Scientist”/SME this morning.  This is one of my two favorite people at my job.  You know, the job I despise with everything I have?  Yeah, well there are a few people I like there that aren’t DeBitch.  I’d love to be outside-of-work-friends with two of these people.  And Mr Senior Scientist here is one of them.  So he’s discussing the shit I asked him about and he’s like “do you understand what I’m taking about”  — yes, I do.  And then he’s like “you seem so down.”  Well, yeah.  I’m at work.  I’m down at work.  Also it’s a Monday.    

However, I also had a panic attack this morning.  I didn’t mention that.  I might later if he mentions my spirits again.  I’m still heavily grieving my mother and you don’t realize you’re still so upset until a little thing just hits you.  I didn’t even realize I’d been hit.  Today when I got up and got ready, I went for my cat on my way downstairs – as always.  He’s either downstairs on the couch (can be verified easily as it’s visible as you pass the stairs) or in moms room.  He was in moms room curled up on the bed next to the tray with her glasses and ashes and some photos.  She’d have liked him curled up on her bed. “Look at him!”

I sat down beside him to love on him.  I’ve been careful to not rush past him in the mornings like I usually would.  I hate my job and my precious only has a short time left with me.  So I want to give him as much love as possible.  I can spare a few minutes.  So I sat beside him and started stroking his fur while looking at the photos of mom.  I thought of the conversation I had with my brother’s wife last night.  Two of my siblings are in complete despair.  I didn’t realize it was so bad for my brother.  He’s been having so much anxiety that he hasn’t spent the night in his own bed since she died.  He’s been sleeping on the couch.  Hearing that crushed me.  I adore my brother.  He was my father figure growing up. 

So for a brief moment I remembered their despair and wondered if I’m cold.  Should I be in more grief than I am?  The moment didn’t last long – a passing thought in my mind.  I didn’t marinate on the thought at all – it fluttered through.  I picked up the cat and carried him downstairs to shove a pill down his throat.  He still resists those fucking pills with everything he has in him.  Give me a break, fuzzy fuzzy!  I’m doing this FOR YOU. 

And then my chest tightened.  A panic attack.  The burning knot behind my sternum.  The absolute feeling of existential dread.  The elevated heart rate.  What the fuck?  I started beating on my chest to try and relax the muscles.  Trying to talk myself down in my head.  Relax relax relax.  Focus on your breathing.  Focus on the cold granite of the counter top you’re now leaning on to try to ease the pain.  The smoothness of the stone. The quarter bevel edge you chose – good choice, you.  Full round is tacky.  Look at the plants in the window.  Ground yourself.  Don’t lose it.  Don’t give in.  Beat on your chest some more because damn I’m having a heart attack now.  At least it’s before work and not after.  If I’m going down, take me down before my ass has to go to work.  Relax relax relax.  It’s ok.  You got this. Damn that hurts.  It’s okay. It’s okay.  Pound on your chest.  Deep rub the muscles.  You’re good.  Work is gonna be good cause you didn’t slack off Friday.   

Stand up and get going.  The world doesn’t stop for you.  The world doesn’t give a shit about your feelings.  You have a meeting in 30 minutes. 

So I grabbed my stuff.  Feed my good boy his stinky food.  He gets it twice a day after discovering he lost an entire pound between vet visits for his kidney workups.  Grab my keys and lock the door behind me as Mr C is still sleeping.  Beat on my chest as I walk to the car.  And now Chucks telling me I look “down.”  I am down, Chuck.  I’m real down.

The Easter Bunny is dead.

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So Easter was pretty depressing for me. I didn’t expect it to be. I didn’t really have any expectations for Easter. Sure, we usually go spend Easter with my family since they’re closer than Mr C’s. But it never seems like a big deal. I didn’t think it did, at least. We’d go have big Easter dinner and hide eggs for the kids. Mom would always have a spread of all the best candies laid out in cute containers around the table display at her house — with Andes for Mr C (his favorite).

I made Mr C an Easter basket as always. I did not expect him to get me anything as he never has for Easter. And yet… I was really sad and depressed about it. No one called to wish me a Happy Easter. No fun present from mom. Mr C didn’t even come downstairs to get his basket for hours. He oddly claimed that he’s not used to getting anything on Easter. Which is utter bullshit as I’ve made him an Easter basket for the past twelve years now. One year his friend was visiting and I made the friend a basket too. Which he completely ignored and I got my feelings hurt that he didn’t even pretend to care. And mom always had him Andes. Were our thoughtful little gifts that forgettable?

You see, my love language is gifts. It’s how mom raised me. And gifts don’t have to be huge. Gifts can be free even. Like if I get a free drink with my lunch at work, I get something for Mr C and bring it home. It’s the “hey, I was thinking about you.” “Hey, I love you.” “Hey, I went a little out of my way to bring you a smile.” Sure I could have just not got a drink, but I got a coke and slipped it in my lunch bag for you. One of my favorite gifts from Mr C was when he drew me a cute picture with some inside jokes and my favorite things.

One year mom got us all different kinds of Jelly Belly’s. I got “Peas and Carrots” because I love peas and carrots. She mailed mine and almost had me really convinced that she mailed ACTUAL peas and carrots to me. She was on the phone with me on my way home from work when I was checking the mail. She got me.

She was my Easter Bunny. Mom never showed up without a gift. It could be a $2.00 clearance shirt from Old Navy or a pillow for my beach chairs or out of season Halloween decorations I could use the next year. She never spent much. But she was always on the lookout for something you’d like. Or that someone would like. I bet her trunk was full of these little gifts for her various children and grand kids that she just happened upon.

I miss her so much. I miss the chatting. I miss the gossip. I miss that — whats a good word — that unwavering love. The ever present unconditional love. Which might be rose colored glasses. I mean it’s not like we didn’t frustrate each other plenty of times. But alas… my Easter Bunny is dead. I miss those tiny notional gifts. I miss those phone calls. I miss the gardening help and advice. I need my mom. But that need can never be filled. She really stepped up and provided a lot of my “love” need. I’m not sure Mr C can possibly step up even close to that role. Sure I’ve got my soulmate cat — but he’s only good for like 1 or 2 more years. What then? What am I gonna do? *Heavy Sigh*

Clean Sheets!

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You know that feeling of nice clean sheets? Well, I am looking forward to going to sleep tonight. I just bought a set of bamboo sheets to try (link). Not only that, but I got a mattress topper too (link)!

I know I like the mattress topper. It’s the same one I got to put on my moms bed. Two inches of gel foam and two inches of pillow puff. Our mattress is too firm, so I hope this helps a lot. I hope I like the sheets. I’m not a fan of synthetic micro fiber sheets and I didn’t realize these weren’t 100% bamboo. But I’m going to give them a go. I get so hot sleeping. I’m hoping these will be nice and cool. They FEEL great. You never know till you sleep in them. The not 100% bamboo scares me, but it has almost 80,000 Amazon reviews with a 4.5 star rating. So some people love them.

Last year we finally upgraded to a king bed. THANK GOD. There just isn’t enough room on a queen for two people. I need space, yall. I get hot and Mr C is like a little lava river over there. I gotta have somewhere to go. But I haven’t found a great set of king sheets yet. I have three sets of queen sheets I love (out of, like, six). But I just haven’t found a set of sheets that wow me since we got the king bed. Both sets are luxury cotton. They just don’t have that silky smooth cool feeling I love. So we’ll try this new set. It wasn’t an expensive set, so we’ll see. The reviews are good.

Here’s to a good nights sleep!

Sneaky bastards.

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You know those speeding radar signs? The ones that flash how fast you’re going at you? Sometimes the flash red if you’re going over the speed limit. Well, there’s a new one on our road. And the sneaky bastards put police lights on it. That’s right. If you speed past it, it flashes blue police lights like you’re being pulled over. Gives you a heart attack right there. Crafty devils! (The speed limit is normally 45 but they have it lowered to 35 with the flashy sign because of “construction.”)

Anatomy of our emergency bags.

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It’s tornado season! Time to check your supplies. Check the charges in your batteries. Make sure the food in your shelter isn’t expired. I got out our battery packs to charge them this weekend. I usually add something every year for the shelter or our bags. So I thought I’d show you our bags.

I like to be prepared. For anything. I think it’s important. And if you can afford it, do it. We have a stocked tornado shelter. Part of the tornado shelter stock is broken out into our emergency packs that live in our cars. The idea is that you grab your pack on the way to the shelter. This allows the bags to serve multiple purposes:

  • Tornado blew the house down
  • Roadside emergencies
  • Urban catastrophes
  • Stranded in butt-fuck-nowhere emergencies
  • Fuck-I-have-to-fend-for-myself-in-the-woods emergencies (unlikely to happen)

I started with two Yukon Outfitters mid-range emergency kits (Amazon Link). I paid a pretty penny but woot.com had them on special. I’m sure they’ve upgraded their kits by now and you can find a similar pack. One thing I love about this kit is the Alpha Pack. I actually like this backpack so much that I bought it in silver to use as a overnight bag (Amazon Link). First thing you’ll note, the bags are marked. Mine has a ribbon and name tag so I know which is which. That’s because some contents depend on the individual (hello, spare clothes). Over the years, I’ve added various things as I’ve realized they’d be handy.

Let’s get started. The Yukon bags prepared us for the probably-not-gonna-happen case of surviving in the woods. Here’s a handy rundown of the contents (And a few things I added to supplement):

  • Backpack with many pockets (Gotta carry your shit).
  • 5 Liter Foldable Water Container (You need water for survival).
  • I added some water purification tablets to the pack too. Clean water is even better for survival.
  • Stainless Steel Water Bottle (Steel is important. This is so you can throw that puppy in the fire for cooking or boiling water. Take off the plastic top first).
  • Rainfly – it’s basically a tent cover or a big tarp for your hammock, or just keeping your sad ass out of the rain or sun. It’s fancier than a tarp though because it has high visibility lines (so people can find your sad ass), anchors, rope to hang it, and a fancy carrying bag.
  • Mosquito Hammock. My ass isn’t sleeping on the ground. Fuck that. Fuck bugs too.
  • I added Hammock Tree Straps to hang the fucking hammock. Why wasn’t this included in the kit? What are you gonna do with your hammock and no tree straps? Think ahead, people.
  • LED Flashlight/Lantern. Fancy little flashlight. Don’t forget to add batteries and store them separately so they don’t erode!
  • Locking/Folding Knife. Of course you need a sharp pointy thing. This is a simple 7 inch hunting knife.
  • 100 feet of Paracord. I don’t know what this is for… yet… But rope is handy for anything.
  • Emergency Medical Kit. This contains a LOT. It’s got all the basic fancy medical kit coverage plus a SAVE-MY-ASS-OVER-HERE whistle, sewing kit, basic fishing kit, a spork (who doesn’t love a spork?), fire starter tool, poncho, and emergency blanket. All in one bright ass orange kit. Oh and it has a notepad and pencil. I guess so you can write sad poetry.
  • NOTE: I added everything else from here on out: Like matches. Yeah, I have a fire starter, but hey — matches are better.
  • Firesticks because we have time to prepare in advance, lets make this fire starting easy.
  • Food. I have some just-add-water mashed potatoes and beef jerky. The mashed potatoes aren’t keto but I made these before I was keto. Also if I’m dying in the woods, I’m having carbs.
  • A fleece blanket that zips into a sleeping bag. I wanna be comfy. Also this can be used for spontaneous picnics and festivals where you don’t want to sit on the ground! Blanket in the car.
  • Two fire blankets. They can be useful.

So okay. We’re not likely to be stuck in the woods. But what about road side emergencies? Well…

  • HALO BOLT. (Amazon link). Why don’t you own one of these? Everyone should have this thing. It’s just a big battery pack — that can also jump start your car. I’ve used it twice already on other peoples cars. Also, can charge your phone. Even has a freaking A/C plug on it if you just wanna plug in a lamp. If you drive a car, this should be in it. Period. Makes jump starting so easy and a one-person job. No second engine needed. No creepy strangers to help you needed. GET ONE. Check it twice a year to make sure it’s charged.
  • I put a phone charger in with the Halo Bolt because if I’m stuck some where, I want a charged phone. NOTE: Keep up with current technology. We got new phones last year and I had to get new chargers to put with the bolts. Didn’t even realize until I got them out to verify the charge this week.
  • I bought a nice bag for the Halo Bolt because the one it comes with sucks. I bought this one: Amazon Link. Perfect fit.
  • Safety Beacon. This is basically a really big road flare. It’s bright as fuck. Multiple modes and it’s magnetic to slap on the side of your car. Don’t forget to, again, add batteries but store them separate so they don’t erode. (Mr C, your pack doesn’t have this. Sorry, it was a present I got.)
  • NOTE: You already have the flashlight from above.
  • This weekend I added a roll of duct tape. DUH, why didn’t I have that?

Okay. So what about other emergencies? Once I wrecked my car and had no spare clothes for days because I didn’t plan on being there for days. Once all the power in half the state went out – for three days. You think anyone was taking credit cards? Nope.

  • Spare clothes. Underwear, socks, long sleeved tshirt.
  • Cash in small bills. Plus some quarters in case you need air in your tires. (I actually have a mini air pump for tires in my car, but Mr C doesn’t). Pro Tip: When the powers out, restaurants gotta get rid of their shit. The italian place with a wood fire oven was selling anything for $5. But you had to have cash and exact change.
  • Antibacterial hand gel and wipes.
  • A travel toiletry kit. Includes: Shampoo, conditioner, comb, soap, tooth brush, tooth paste, deodorant and floss. I started with this one (Amazon link) and added a razor and face wipes.

Maybe you can start your own emergency packs. What would you include? I add something new every year. This year was new phone chargers, toiletry kits, and duct tape. Next year might be getting a bigger bag! Maybe switch to a slightly larger duffel…

Mom’s Hummingbird Memorial

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The hummingbird I had made for mom arrived Friday. I ordered it from Spirit Pieces. They took her ashes and mixed it with glass to make a beautiful hummingbird. In this particular piece, the ashes are swirled in the body of the bird. They look like little air bubbles.

I did balk a bit at the price. However, after seeing it and holding it, it’s worth it. It’s a memorial we’ll have forever. I had originally wanted a flamingo plant stake. They could only do it in baby pink though. Mom loved some flamingo stuff. I have a flamingo garden by the pool. But she liked gaudy flamingos, not pastel flamingos.

Mom was a bird lover. She had tons of bird feeders in her yard. I gave her a big picnic table feeder that could hold the doves. She had three or four out in the trees for robins and cardinals and whatever other local birds wanted a meal. She filled them all every single day. She basically had the yard of a disney princess. Even just talking on the phone with her I could always hear birds in the background. She also fed hummingbirds. Even more so recently as their house became a hot spot for them. She had three HUGE hummingbird feeders that she filled twice a day. They would swarm — sometimes thirty at a time — feasting on her feeders. So a bird is appropriate.

I hung it in the leftmost living room window. The living room faces the sunrise. The left-most window looks out over a field. So when mom was here and I’d get up early, she’d usually have just that one set of blinds open where she had opened them to watch the sunrise with her coffee. It’s a nice tribute. I’m sad. I’m depressed. I’m really depressed. But I’m so thankful to have been blessed to have such a wonderful momma. What a blessing to have someone you miss so much when they’re gone. It means they were just that wonderful when they were here.

Some Things 03/15

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  • So spring is springing.  I find it extremely depressing.  It makes me miss my mother.  She was all about gardening.  Flowers, vegetables, any plants.  All the plants.  It’s time to weed and get things ready for growing.  Mom would have been here this weekend helping me weed the flower bed.  She’d have been bringing me drinks and insisting on helping rake out the pool area.  She’d be fawning over the Candy Corn Spirea showing its true colors for the first time (we only got them last year).  The daffodils are in full bloom.  The purple hyacinths she bought me last year are popping up under the bat house. It all screams MOM. 
  • I bought new shoes yesterday.  Three pairs.  I know, I spent far too much.  However, if you know me in real life, you know I never buy shoes.  I bought the three pairs, trashed five pairs and moved the old running shoes into the tornado shelter.  So I netted a big loss in shoes.  I’m just not a shoe person.  They’re expensive and a pain in the ass to find.  I need work shoes, work out shoes, dress shoes, and sandals.  So now if I just get a pair of rain boots for gardening I think I’m totally solid for the first time in my life on shoes. 

I went to Fleet Feet and they did all their technology to recommend the shoes for me.  I got two pairs of HOKA One One’s.  Holy shit, they feel like your feet are wrapped in marshmallows and walking on clouds.  I got the same shoe (the Bondi) in black leather for work and grey for walking/biking.  So I went the old lady route and even though I hated the look, I bought them because they were so fucking comfortable.  However, today I looked up the brand and read that they purposefully went for the huge wide foot bed as a style choice and to give you a firmer grip and more padding.  That makes sense.  And I realized what I thought was a PPU material is actually leather.  So I like them more now.  I’m really not used to my feet looking so BIG.  But my lord, clouds and marshmallows, yall. 

Shoes

The third pair are some slip-ons.  They’re actually Oofos recovery footwear.  Also, giant marshmallows.  I asked her if I could get them in a different, more neutral color.  She said they didn’t have anything and couldn’t order anything because doctors send people there to get them and they can’t keep them in stock.  Well, I can feel why.  So yeah, I got those in galaxy purple.  So sue me. 

I wish they had more than just athletic shoes.  Having them find the perfect fit for me as well as the perfect build for me made a huge difference.  She knew exactly which shoes I should try and what my feet needed.  And the sizes ranged from 8.5 to 9.5 because “these run short” or whatever.  I mean, I know it’s the computer and not the lady – but this shit works.  They found me three perfect shoes.  Maybe not the prettiest but damn my feet are comfy. 

  • Lastly, I think I’m in the angry stage of grieving. Or just angry for no reason. I’m just angry. I’m quick to temper. I’m bothered. I’m quick to call someone a dumbass on Facebook and then get gang pummeled by people defending them. Only to double down and explain why they’re a dumbass, only to get group pummeled again even so much as to pick apart my profile picture where apparently my lipstick is terribly applied. And I get angry driving, going to the store (fuck people), being at work — I’m easily angered. I have no chill. I hate my job, my cats dying and hates me shoving pills down his throat, and my mommas dead. What do you want from me? Mr C is suffering at work too and has the cough from HELL that won’t go away. I’m just really not cheerful.

And I miss mom. I miss having that connection and our conversations. I need her opinion about my new shoes.

Your pet is not your “baby”

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OK yall, we gotta stop with this calling your pet your baby shit. I know im gonna get a ton of flack for this because literally everyone I know calls their pets their babies. Hey, my dad calls his dog my sister. He likes the dog better though, and thats why he’s a bastard.

I know, your pet is your family. You might even, like my father, openly admit you like the pet better than your children. It happens. I don’t want a kid. Have yall met my precious J? He’s my soul creature, my witchy familiar, maybe even my soul mate, but he’s not my baby. He’s a piece of me and will ALWAYS be a piece of me. He’s a splinter of my soul in cat form. I get it.

But I just got a paragraph into a Facebook post about a friend of a friends baby dying and was terribly upset for everyone involved, only to realize, like two paragraphs in, that it was a dog. THERE IS A DIFFERENCE. I thought you were mourning a human child who had been in an auto accident that another human driver was going to have on his conscious for the rest of his life. I repeat: THERE IS A DIFFERENCE.

Stay At Home Woman’s Television AKA Start TV

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I’m catching up on Ghost Whisperer season 5. I used to love this show, but I guess I never finished it out. I think maybe season 5 was a bit more scary than other seasons. Could also be why the ratings fell and it got canceled. In general the show wasn’t too scary but season 5 you meet “the shadows” and shit and it’s a bit much for me, probably. Good thing the new street lights illuminate my yard now.

Anyway, I came across it on a channel called Start TV. I set my DVR for it and so I’ve been watching this season. The commercials, of course, advertise all the other great shit you can watch on Start TV. Crossing Jordan, Rizzoli and Isles, Medium, The Closer, Dr Quinn Medicine Woman (who lets face it, would have been burned as a witch). Dude, this is totally stay-at-home-woman TV. I’m like the target demographic here, I’m just at work all day. So I just looked up this channel (got episode 12 on pause to write this). Here’s the wiki:

“Similar to its male-targeted sister network Heroes & Icons (H&I), Start TV airs legal/police procedurals and various other dramas – but instead – targeting a female audience, featuring shows led by/centered around women. The network features series from the 1980s to the 2010s, and runs a uniform programming schedule with shows airing mainly at the same time seven days a week. Start TV also has a three-hour block of E/I children’s programming on Sunday mornings between 9 a.m. and noon Eastern Time in order to fulfill FCC obligations.”

Holy shit it IS stay-at-home-womens TV! Specifically moms since it has kids shows on Sunday. Like I feel like I should be offended but I’d rather just watch more Start TV.

I looked up the sister channel for men and it has a block of Star Trek (five versions) from 8pm – 1am every night. These people are marketing geniuses.