Health - Cursing Cats and Other Curiosities

CrossFit

Posted on July 21, 2021 | by cursingcats.com | Leave a Comment

So how on Earth is my lazy ass doing CrossFit? I’ve never even been in any gym. Ever.

Well, it started at work. K2 is a CrossFit evangelist. When she moved here, she started at this gym. She met her significant other there. She’s all about that lifestyle. She even just bought a house from a fellow member. So K2 convinced K3 to sign on for onboarding (They’re both coworkers). I thought the onboarding sounded really interesting because it’s four one-on-one sessions with a personal trainer/coach teaching you how to do everything and use all the equipment. So even if I didn’t continue CrossFit, knowing the proper form and techniques and stuff would be worth it no matter what.

But then to do the onboarding, apparently you also have to sign up for a month of membership. And holy shit, CrossFit is an INVESTMENT. So K2 goes every day and K3’s doing it with me so they promised I’d never have to work out alone if I committed so OK, I’ll give it August.

Our first onboarding class was Monday. It took about two hours. But hold on. It would have been one if it was just one of us. However we wanted to do it together. So we had one coach teaching us both so taking turns back and forth with each lesson item. So we didn’t work out for that full 2 hours. Half the time we were watching the other. I loved learning all the different techniques and how to scale them to stuff I can actually DO. ‘Cause you know I aint doing a pull up! We learned burpees (nope), sit ups, kettle balls (American and Russian style), air squats, ring rows (which is sort of a pull-up learner), incline push ups (loved these compared the real push ups) jumping pull ups (I only needed four risers), dead lifts and who knows what else. Then our actual workout was walk/run, air squats (mine with a 20 inch box), incline pushups, and ring rows.

I felt great about everything except the running. Holy shit I am SO BAD at running. I can walk faster than I run and I’m not even sure how that’s humanly possible, but it is. I also learned that I might as well just jump in the pool after my workout because I sweat more than I ever would have imagined. Also, for $300, I think I deserve an air conditioned gym. But yeah, it might as well have been raining on me I was dripping so much. And even the next morning, my pile of workout clothes was still a sopping wet mess. It was embarrassing. Very much so.

So I’m not to the point where I’d go alone. However, thankfully, I don’t have to! K3 really had to work to get me in the car after work to go. Right up until I committed that payment I was really second guessing so hard. Of course now that I’ve paid, I’m not wasting all that money. I’m apparently in this now until August 11^th at least.

Also, as you know, I’ve got an upcoming appointment with a plastic surgeon to see about finally getting my arms shaped up to normal and my stomach straightened out. So I really think I’ll continue this up to my surgery date (If I get one, of course) because the more muscle I have, the better the outcome will be.

And hell, by the time I’ve been doing it that long, I might be drinking the Kool Aid too.

Here We Go

Posted on July 18, 2021 | by cursingcats.com | 1 Comment

Blarg! I have been avoiding posting for over a week now. In fact, I’ve been avoiding even typing this post for the past 30 minutes with Facebook and Youtube while the blank page stares at me. Ok. Here we go. I gained 10 more pounds.

I’m devastated! I’m heart broken. I’m depressed. I’m panicy. I just want to crawl in bed and die. I want to just throw in the towel. Do you know I haven’t had a bite of mac and cheese in THREE YEARS? I haven’t had a taco in three years. What the fuck am I doing this for!? If I’m gonna gain weight I might as well get some damn tacos.

Now I’m 20 some odd pounds from my goal with an appointment with a plastic surgeon in a month. Finally, I get the chance to have decent arms — arms that can wear tank tops and cute sleeveless dresses or better yet those ones that tie behind your neck and I’m blowing it! What the actual fuck?

I just wanna die and throw in the towel. I’m done. Ugh. To describe this as a “funk” is an understatement.

But I’m married and have a cat so I can’t be done. Dammit.

I’ve got a blood draw tomorrow to check my thyroid again because — again I say: what the actual fuck?

I’ve also been peer pressured into Cross Fit. I know, I’m gonna die. We start tomorrow. God help me. But with this damn weight gain I gotta do something! More details on this whole Cross Fit $300 let’s-do-it campaign later. Not sure how much later because I’ve got the busiest week planned. I never book up my weeks. I’m lazy. But this week I have something EVERY DAY. Two things Monday. Plus a full time job. Three Cross Fit training sessions. One doctors appointment. One Baseball game (of course this will be fun) and then tubing on Saturday. Good thing tubing doesn’t require energy! Unless I fall out of that tube. God help us then. Yall gonna have to help my ass get back in.

Melancholy

Posted on July 7, 2021 | by cursingcats.com | 1 Comment

I left work early again today. I just feel so sad. Melancholy. Sorrowful. It’s not all mom. Of course part of it is mom. I miss her dearly. I have so much anxiety and worries running through my head and I need her calmness. I need her “It will work it all out.” I need her to calm me down and say she’ll pray about it.

Monday was a holiday. It was a lazy day. The kind of day where her an I would have lazily floated in the pool. I miss that so much. That time was perfect. Of course I never realized it was perfect but it was. It was a time with just us chatting and relaxing. Telling each other secrets and gossip. And I was providing for her. Be it a day or the weekend, I was providing for her. And I was giving her this private pool to enjoy as much as she wanted. And believe me, she did enjoy it. I’d find her out there on the stairs having coffee when I woke up. If she hadn’t already got on a bathing suit and moved into the tanning ledge or a float.

I miss you, momma. So so much. To say it hurts is superlative.

I do have things im looking forward to. That’s something that leaves me in a depression — when I don’t have things to look forward to. But this time I have a few things to look forward to — but they’re all tainted somehow. Or I fear they won’t come to pass at all.

I’m looking forward to plastic surgery. I might be pretty smokin’ with some tightened up arms and belly and bigger boobs. I’ll be an hourglass for sure — even if it is still an extra large one. The fact that my husband is letting me pay for this and take the time off to do it is amazing! But rather than being grateful, I worry. What if my recent weight gain takes that off the table? How will my recovery be? Will my husband be able to step up to help me enough? With pain meds, bringing me drinks and food, helping me get up and around, washing my hair for me, taking care of the cat. How can I take care of Jack right after ive been gutted? Momma always always took care of me in recoveries. Even since I’ve been married. She’d just come up here to stay. It’s hard for me to trust. I worry.

I’m looking forward to Florida. The family trip my side of the family always takes. However, this one is obvious. Florida is MOMS THING. It’s what she loved. Sitting on the beach all day with the waves of the gulf washing over her feet. Lazily dripping sand into elaborate spires next to her chair. Having coffee at 6am on the balcony listening to the crashing waves. This year we’ll all be going at least one last time all together. For mom. She wanted some of her ashes spread there. In the ocean. And she’d want us to go. She always wanted us to go. Even when I felt like I ruined it. I turn into such a bitch around my sisters. It’s the codependent family structure. I fall right back into it when I’m with them. Then we all bitch to mom and she screams that she cant take it anymore. And I feel like they’d have a better vacation without me there. So yeah, cloud over that one. But I have to go. For mom.

October. This one’s odd. So it’s the year to spend Thanksgiving with my family. However, Mr C’s parent’s are celebrating in October — so sweet, we can do both families, right? Well. Mr C’s parents, in a fashion so very typical of them, just assumed none of us “kids” were coming. So I was chatting with my mother-in-law the other day (remember, I was all sad about mom and no one would return my calls? You know none of my family has yet to return any of the calls, BTW). Yeah I was talking to her and she mentioned that they’d be stopping by our house on their great road trip right before heading up to the thanksgiving festivities. So I confirmed that we’d be leaving to follow them. This was news to her! She thought we weren’t coming! She was super excited that we were. She informed me that Thanksgiving dinner with the N’s was canceled and gave me the run down of the new plans.

So after talking with her, I called Mr C’s brother. He has legitimately no excuse in the world to miss Thanksgiving. So I called to see why he wasn’t coming. That was news to him. He thought he WAS coming. Mr C’s sister — same thing! We were all planning on going but the parents just assumed we weren’t for some weird reason they’re calling a miscommunication but I’m calling bullshit. So since no “kids” were coming, the adults scrapped thanksgiving dinner at the N’s for a fall trip. Now they’re going to North Carolina to ride a train through the mountains. Sounds nice enough. So we conspired and decided we’d join. Then I did more research.

The parents are staying in a very overpriced lodge. Thats cool, cause my sister-in-law found us a cheap air BnB less than a mile away. Awesome! So I looked into this “dinner or lunch train.” Well, one: there’s no dinner or lunch. It’s just a 4.5 hour train ride. You can get a boxed lunch of a sandwich and chips. But I’m keto, I can’t eat the sandwich or the chips! Oh and those sweet antique steam dinner train vibes — nope. Only available in November and December. We’re riding a plain old commuter style train. It’s not even steam! So now I’m riding a foodless amtrak to nowhere as the main part of my trip. AWESOME. We’re only driving 4.5 hours hours both way for this privilege. Buy hey, good meals with family are worth it, right? Well, on the train we won’t all be together. Because it’s not a dining train. And dinners? there’s no where to eat dinner in the town we’re staying in or the town with the train! They’re shit towns, I looked! Fuck me, this trip sounds terrible. We’re all pretty mad they canceled dinner and games at the N’s but we didn’t realize the extent of this thing.

Then there’s my sweet tattoo. I can’t get it if I don’t get my arms done so there’s one worry. Also all the good artists are in LA or New York! I can’t get anyone to reply to my inquiries. And if I travel to one of these artists, can we do it in one go? Don’t they have to do it in stages? I can’t travel to New York 3 times! And who’s gonna take care of my precious Jack? That goes for all of these trips (except Florida when K is gonna house sit. Thats why K’s getting the sweet ass home warming present. Not the Dragon of Scams, though. He’s currently a deflating trophy in the garage). But it might not matter, because none of the artists have replied to my inquiries.

So. Yeah. I’m whiny. I told you I was melancholy. But I don’t really have anyone to whine to, so I’m doing it here. My blog, my therapist. I find myself lonely. I miss mom so much.

Three Year Ketoversary!

Posted on July 1, 2021 | by cursingcats.com | Leave a Comment

Today marks three years that I’ve been keto. I have gained a bit from last year but I know I’ll get it back off. It was depression and my thyroid being off. I never stopped keto, so I really think I’ll get back down. 2018: 320lbs, 2021: 238lbs. Goal: get back to 2020lbs.

Still meeting with the plastic surgeon in August. I called to see if he does tummy tucks and arm lifts in one operation. They said its no unheard of but really not preferred. So we shall see. I really want to get my tummy and arms done before the breasts so I can see what I’m working with before I choose my new cup size. And I’m only gonna do two surgeries, not three.

Mr C and I talked heavily about this yesterday. My stomach and my arms are what bother me the most too. So ideally, I want them done together. He asked if that was really a deal breaker for me and if I could only do one, what would I do. Well, we talked about it and I thought hard about it. So arms. If he won’t do tummy AND arms, I’ll start with arms. Then I can come back with the “mommy makeover” of stomach and breasts.

I decided arms because I’ll be getting this done after summer. So they’ll have all winter and spring to heal up before I start getting in the sun heavily again (sun = bad for scar healing). Plus I REALLY wanna get my tattoo. So I need those babies to heal up so I can get a sleeve for my 40th birthday!

I dont want to combine breasts with arms even if it is an option. I read that that can compromise a lot of the blood flow around your arm pits. So yeah. Also stomach and arms have longer healing times that a breast augmentation, so it’d be good to pair them together. Like I said, we’ll see.

Weight Anxiety

Posted on June 22, 2021 | by cursingcats.com | Leave a Comment

I’ve been having a lot more anxiety and panic lately. I think I’ve narrowed a part of it down the the upcoming appointment with the plastic surgeon. Am I excited? Fuck yes, I am! However, I’m freaking out about my weight gain.

Since mom died. I gained some weight. That threw off my thyroid and made me super hypothyroid. Depression combined with hypothyroidism gang banged each other into over 30lbs. I’m already afraid the doctor won’t accept doing elective surgery on someone of my size (which I would like to get down to 220lbs even though I had been lower — also remember, friend – Mrs C used to be pushing 400lbs so this is a great weight).

I wasn’t extremely worried about the weight gain. I haven’t changed clothes sizes. My doctor caught the thyroid labs being off and we fixed them. I’ve dropped about 7lbs since then. I’ve remained keto throughout. So I know that, eventually, I’ll drop the excess and get back to where I want to be. I wasn’t worried about it. Now, with what feels like a deadline, I’m worried about it.

It’s also “that time of the month.” That combined with seeing a bad photo of myself has my self esteem in the negative numbers. We’re talking shit hole here. Bad. Hence the panic attacks.

I think identifying the root cause has helped a small amount. I talked to Mr C about it. And it’s just a consultation. Maybe he says he’ll do it when I drop the 17lbs to get back to 220. I’m still really excited about boobs and tattoos! Boobs and tattoos! A 3/4 sleeve, a portrait of my beloved Jack, and now I want a little goomba on my foot/ankle. I’m already getting more tattoos and I haven’t even started. YAY!

Plastic Surgery?

Posted on June 6, 2021 | by cursingcats.com | 3 Comments

So I’m (maybe?) starting a plastic surgery journey! This is my first post. Notice the new category 🙂

So I’ve wanted plastic surgery for a long time. I’ve been fat all my life. I was almost 400lbs when I went to college. I had gastric bypass surgery in 2005 and wanted surgery to remove excess skin then, but had no way to afford it. Over the years I gained most of the weight back — up to 320lbs. Then, 3 years ago, I went keto and lost most of it again. I’m currently a happy 234 (hoping to get back down to 220). I fit in a womens XL which is easy to find and buy anywhere and I’m a little smaller than when I met Mr C. So win! I know I’m still medically considered obese, but im a good obese. And compared to 400 — I’ll take it!

So I still want skin surgery. My arms are a disaster and my stomach is a lumpy mess.

It’s been stated that I would have this surgery but a time frame was never put on it. One of my friends even jokes about the cake we’re going to have at my boob coming out party! And I joke all the time about “when I get my boobs.” Recently, I was asked what I’m waiting for by my husband. And well, I didn’t know it was an option. We’re so focused on saving money and, well, saving money — that it didn’t occur to me I could do it before we met a few more goals. Then bro-in-law also asked what I was waiting for. So… I booked a consultation.

I asked for recommendations on some weight loss forums and reddit. The main guy everyone recommended only does people below 185lbs. Well, that’s not happening. Sure I could work my ass off (literally) to get to that, but what’s the point if I can’t maintain that weight? I want to look good at this weight.

So Mr C and I are seeing our second choice surgeon in August! I know that sounds so far away, but I wouldn’t have the surgery while the pools open anyway. I wouldn’t be able to maintain the pool, one. And two, I wouldn’t be able to use the pool. Also, this lines up with the job switch coming up in October — so maybe this is Gods timing working out for me!

I want to have 3 surgeries (hopefully combining at least two): Arms, stomach, boobs. My stomach and my arms bother me the most, by far. But I’m not sure they can combine those two. I suspect the way we will go is a “mommy makeover” first – which is torso (stomach and boobs) followed by a separate arm surgery. Not sure they can do all three at once. Highly doubtful.

I showed Mr C the before and after shots on the surgeons page and we were both blown away. So I’m super excited. And it feels really good to have something on the horizon that I’m super excited about too. So many possibilities! Finally getting that 3/4 sleeve tattoo! Our 10 year anniversary pictures in my old wedding dress, adjusted for a much smaller me with bigger boobs! All the fantastic sleeveless 50s dresses! I’m very excited.

Insurance is such a fucking scam.

Posted on May 23, 2021 | by cursingcats.com | 2 Comments

Doctor to Pharmacy: “This patient need this medication.”

Pharmacy to Insurance: “This patient needs this medication.”

Insurance to Pharmacy: “Do they though?”

Pharmacy to Doctor: “Insurance wants to know if they really need this medication.”

Doctor to Pharmacy: “Did I stutter?”

Pharmacy to Insurance: “Yes.”

Insurance to Pharmacy: “Fine, Whatever.”

Pharmacy to Patient: “Your medication is ready.”

Why the fuck does this process exist? I’ve never EVER had a doctor change their mind and go “OK, they don’t really need it.” And I take a shit ton of medications. It’s just a way for insurance to stall paying what they’re supposed to pay. I’m so mad!

We’re currently in pre-lawsuit with insurance about an accident I had in 2019 (yes, thats 2 years ago) because they don’t want to pay what they SAID THEY WOULD PAY. We’re not even to the lawsuit part yet because insurance is dragging every single step out as long as possible. And now I’m stuck in this prior medical authorization needed loop with the pharmacy over a medication.

Isn’t the whole doctors prescription thing ITSELF the prior authorization? Like not everyone can or should take these medications so you need a prescription. It’s the fucking authorization. I could see if, maybe, a nurse practitioner wrote the prescription and you want a more authoritative position — but not the doctor themselves. It’s so stupid!

Since the aforementioned accident, I’ve suffered from headaches pretty badly. Physical therapy helped a ton and I’m also on a migraine shot once a month (which also required prior authorization when it was prescribed — oh and would have cost me 1k out of pocket but $5 for insurance — but thats ANOTHER post all together). This shot works great — but not for the whole month. Towards the end of the month I start getting daily headaches again as the shot wears off. This leads to me taking a shit ton of Excedrin Migraine.

Well, apparently thats really bad for your kidneys. So my NEUROLOGIST prescribed another medication I can take as needed or every other day towards the end of the month. It’s apparently the same medication thats in the shot and I can use the pills as a booster. He says he sees patients with my problem all the time. The shots great but it doesn’t last. So this way you can boost it and get through to the next shot. This medication has next to no side effects (maybe some nausea — but by the time you need the pill, you’re probably already nauseous). Where as over-the-counter pain killers will eventually kill off my kidneys.

Well he prescribed it a week ago! I got back to his office the NEXT DAY when I was told it needed prior authorization and I still don’t have the damn pills. My head is killing me! Why is insurance such a fucking scam? I hate it. This prior authorization process requires no less than SEVEN calls that don’t involve me at all. It’s just a lot of bureaucracy to postpone or try to avoid paying.

I’m going to go slam my Dammit doll on the counter while I toss back some Excedrin Migraine.

Codependents Anonymous

Posted on May 17, 2021 | by cursingcats.com | Leave a Comment

I’m going to attended a virtual (zoom) CODA meeting tonight. That’s Codependents Anonymous. So this started as me wanting to help a friend attend CODA. You know, I’d be her support on the way to her support group (Opus and Bill reference, anyone? Anyone? Eh?). However, it has turned into, no, Mrs C needs some CODA herself. I went codependent triangle on Mr C last week and I didn’t even realize that’s what it was. R > V > P. Rescuer > Victim > Persecutor > and round and round we go.

I decided he needed a new bathing suit (because he does). So I bought him one (which looked better than his) – so yay, I’m a “rescuer.” Note he never ASKED for a bathing suit nor did he want one ‘cause Mr C is cheap. I have rescued him and saved him from himself by buying it for him. Yay me! But Mr C doesn’t want bathing suit. Bathing suit is waste of money and he doesn’t even like it. He’ll never wear it. Why’s he being an asshole about this? Oh look, I’m the “victim” now. I bought you a gift, you fucker – and it looks better than your old one, why won’t you just LISTEN TO ME? And now I’m the “persecutor.” This is how we codependents live our lives. It’s messed up. How is it a triangle, you ask? Well I’m pretty sure later I took him a peace offering of food because I felt like we had a big fight (we didn’t) so back to “rescuer,” baby! Then, if I was still a codependent mess, I’d have gotten mad that he never does such things for me “victim” and be salty about it “persecutor” – it’s called mental illness, yall.

I’m sorry, Mr C. I still think you need a new suit FWIW. However, there was no winning that situation ‘cause my crazy was already rearing its head. There was no way for you to politely decline the bathing suit. I’m sorry. That was my bad 100%. I realize where I was wrong and that it’s my fault.

Also, I’m trying to forge new relationships with my family since mom died. She kept us all connected. Now I have to keep myself connected, because I’m the one who lives out of town. So I have to make these connections that weren’t there. I have to call them. I have to make small talk. I have to be involved. And my family is a bunch of codependent crazies (except for my brother). Like it’s a freaking field of land mines down there. It’s a clusterfuck. So I could use a little psychological support to form healthy relationships with good boundaries. It’s good timing.

But what if it’s just my codependency that’s making me want to help her? I thought/think it’s a God thing. I had written this friend out of my life. She’s a taker. But then Mr C had reason to have her drop by. All the sudden she’s talking about therapy. So later I feel like I should reach out via text and tell her about the wonder of support groups and how happy I am for her that she’s seeking help. Now we’re going to CODA together tonight. Did God make this happen or did my need to rescue people make this happen? Is that just my self doubt trying to sabotage a God thing? HOLY SHIT it’s a whole mind fuck.

Anyway, so that’s happening.

And a suitcase full of black

Posted on January 31, 2021 | by cursingcats.com | 1 Comment

Man, life does not take a break when your world stops. It doesn’t stop. It feels like it should stop. My mom died, the funeral is Monday, everyone be respectful. But no. Your sisters dog still tears and ACL and requires surgery. Your shower still gets a leak that requires a plumber. Work is still a shit show. The escape plan for May is getting pushed back to October. Your husband is still having the worst week of his career. And you’re packing a suitcase full of black clothes.

A suitcase full of black. I’m still oddly numb and practical about everything. I had to make sure my husband had appropriate clothes which required clothes shopping. I had to get new black pants for us both. So this afternoon we’re driving down to stay with the family tonight.

My over stressed husband, who’s been in quarantine for nearly a year, is being forced to stay with other bubbles. However, it’s unavoidable. He knows this. I do worry about all of these bubbles crashing for the funeral. Ugh. When are we getting a damn vaccine rolled out for all of us? I can only pray there’s no virus spreading going on with the funeral. We won’t be having visitation at the funeral but we’re having a big lunch after. Not remotely my decision. But how can I say no? It’s moms funeral. The family wants to do lunch after which I thought was nice. But now a lot of people are coming to lunch. I’m a bit worried. I’ve already bowed out my husband but I feel obligated to go. Mom just died of Covid and we’re having a party. Blarg.

Well, wish us luck. Emotional and health-wise. Here we go.

Vestibular Physical Therapy

Posted on January 27, 2021 | by cursingcats.com | 3 Comments

I went to Physical Therapy today for my vestibular system. (Short Summary –> car wreck -> concussion -> post concussion syndrome -> get very sick when I drive too long especially at night). So most of the tests I passed pretty easily. My central eye focus is at 10cm when it should be at 3, so we can work on that. But man, she tested my balance and fuck that.

Most of the balance tests I passed. Except that I’m terrible at balancing on one leg. I’m not a yoga person, okay? But then she had me stand on this squishy wedge and close my eyes and stand there for 30 seconds. Yeah, no. I have terrible balance. This thing is squishing all over the place, I can’t do this. Like every time I tried I had to grab the bars. This is not a skill I need as an engineer, can we just ignore this? I don’t give a shit about my balance.

So then the part we do give a shit about. Lets get your heart rate up to trigger your symptoms of nausea and vertigo to see where we’re at. Let me rephrase that for those in the back: Get on the exercise bike and we’ll just keep increasing the intensity until you feel like you’re gonna puke. Got that? Go.

Yall, I didn’t know I was gonna get all sweaty and out of breath first thing this morning before work. Awesome. We went until I was like “yeah I’m good.” But then problem was we only got to a twinge of a headache. No nausea. Which I kinda didn’t think would happen considering I bike to the grocery store without getting nausea. But yeah, no dice. So that means heart rate isn’t a good variable to hang our hat on “about to barf.” Which means my practices just have to go till I feel ill. Like last time. I had been promised we wouldn’t have to get to the ill feeling part. But without a good gauge of when im about to feel ill, well, you gotta go all the way.

I’m gonna be honest, I’m not 100% sold on committing to doing this again. I’m seeing her again next week, but I just don’t feel like they can really help me with driving at night. If we can’t duplicate my symptoms in the office, then how can we help them?

Why can’t I just wear anti-nausea patches all the time?