Are you telling me that the new trendy drinking vessel (AKA Stanley) is weck canning jars?
Bitch, if I handed you a jar to drink out of two months ago, you’d have snubbed me! WTF? JARS? You got plenty of jars. Or just mugs. Like remember mugs? But I guess mugs aren’t clear. But you got jars. You got marinara jars, pickle jars, salsa jars. Look here’s me seasoning my compost with a salsa jar just yesterday:
I threw that jar away because I’ve got a whole box of glass to recycle already cause there isn’t a glass recycling that’s convenient to me.
This is the SOUTH. We’ve been drinking out of jars our whole lives. We grew up with the OG of drink jars: Bama Jelly jars. That’s right. These bitches:
They came with Jelly in them in the 80s and then they became glasses. You know how many of these we had growing up? My momma’s whole fucking kitchen was goose themed and these jars are my childhood. The kitchen also had a yellow linoleum floor. Because it was the 80s.
Yall are insane. INSANE. People can’t even get their hands on fucking jars right now because they’re a trend.
Some peoples whole drinking glass collections are just jars and you’d have treated them like white trash last month. Go to the thrift store! Go to the grocery store and get a jar with something good in it and then rinse it out.
Also. Labubu’s are fucking ugly. Why does it look like it’s about to wield a knife?
Hi! I just need to.. get this out of my chest. I’ve been passing for a very bad time of my life this year. I had no job since December. I had two painful losses and… idk my mind was in a very dark place plus I was depending completely on my stash because without a job I cannot make any purchases. So… this beauty… “Princess and the pea kitty” is out of stock. I am from Mexico so I’m not able to buy it in the destash group. So… it was on Amazon and every day I was pending on the stock. Today I finally receive my first paycheck since I got a job last week and with my card ready to buy it… I entered to Amazon site and… sold out. Nothing… I’m so sad. I cried like a baby I swear. Idk why I wanted it so bad and idk why I felt it like the biggest disappointment but trust me… I’m heart broken.
I sent an email to DAC just to know if maybe by any chance they had 1 left but…
So Diamond Art Club kits are huge and like over $75. But they have some small ones on Amazon. This one was like $25 at full price. I know because it’s the only square drill one Amazon had (their website only sells big ones) and I wanted to practice with the squares before I start my behemoth one. But I didn’t like the style.
The point is, this is a luxury that is not needed, 100%. But it’s an affordable one. She wasn’t aiming for a $100 kit.
So let’s start with spoiler: Like 5 people offered to get it to her (Amazon just had Prime Day deals on these kits, hence it being gone now. So a lot of people probably just bought it cause it was super cheap). So in the end, she’s getting it. She’s very happy. The art community was like fuck me, we got a get her that cat picture. FIND THE CAT PICTURE.
Except for one person.
One comment didn’t understand what the big deal is.
So my question is: are you stupid, have no empathy, or really that blessed?
Listen, I’ve been upside down a few times in life. Like multiple. I’ve been negative money many many times. I got laid off back in 2010 and weren’t no job to be had. So if you’ve never been in this situation, I want to tell you this.
Sometimes you focus on one little thing. Nothing big. You wouldn’t dare hope for something unachievable because your heart can’t handle it if you don’t get there. Maybe you’re gonna eat out with your first paycheck. Maybe you’re gonna get the good milk. Just something that is your focus. And when you get real sad you think about how you’re totally gonna get the good milk soon. That thought gets you through. It’s stupid and little, but it’s also the world.
So for 7 months this girl has been saying, I’m getting that cat picture. And fucking Prime Day puts it on sale the weekend before her first paycheck and now it’s gone forever. And she’s distraught and crying because that was her THING. And now she’ll never have the thing! But she went through so much for the thing!
How can you NOT empathize with that? Fuck me, I’ll pay the shipping.
Like is this an internet troll or what? Literally everyone else in the comments is trying to find a copy and offering to help pay to get it to her. And one dumbass doesn’t understand.
I’ve been numbing out my life stress with Diamond Painting. Have you heard of this? Diamond Panting? I kept seeing Diamond Paintings in Amazon Vine. On amazon they can them “5D” which is just so cringe. I don’t know what the hell dimensions they think the 4th and 5th are, but it bothers me. Not my point.
It’s Paint-By-Numbers meets Bedazzling. So no actual artistic skill required. Like less skill than paint by numbers because you have to stay in the lines on that. You’re just sticking the bling on the spots with the numbers. I felt kinda bad about the whole no-skill required thing. Like I’m too good for that, because apparently, I’m an artistic craft snob. But yall, I get why it’s taken off. It’s so fucking zen and satisfying. It’s like when “zen tangles” took off.
Is that two words? “zen tangles?” Or is it like “zentangles?” “zen-tangles?” You remember – when everyone was doing those line patterns we all did back in school on the sides of our notebook pages? But it became like a legit adult art form? Anyway, that didn’t last long. Moving on.
So from what I can tell, Diamond Painting started getting really big around COVID because in lockdown people needed shit to do. We needed tedious shit that was going to take days of work. So it became a thing. Now chinese drop-shippers are on that shit. So that’s how it entered my sphere. So fuck it, I ordered one. Well, I ordered a set of six plant designs. I knew they’d be shit quality but I figured I could use three or four for my office. I say office, but yall know I work in a cubicle so don’t think I’m fancy.
After over a month of waiting, one arrived. Yeah, just one. They changed the listing from the set of six to a single one. And I still have to pay taxes on these Vine items so it was listed at $20 — So I’ll pay like $7 and this piece of shit is NOT WORTH $7. I gave it a 2 star review. Really, that was generous. I gave it an extra star because it had an “AB” diamond. I’m getting ahead of myself.
I had this canvas and like that’s a fuck ton of bedazzling. I was very intimidated. Combine this with the fact that the “tools” kit arrive broken and was absolute SHIT, I couldn’t start here. I know from everything in life that quality is better. This is really true for any art form as well. Talk to a master of any art – seriously like blacksmithing, glass bowling, stained glass, wood working — whatever skill. They will tell you — those expensive tools are nice, but they’re better for the beginners who can’t afford them. If you’re good, you can do your skill with shit tools. They wish they had the good tools when they started because life would be so much easier. So I wanted to get started on a good foot. Something quality.
From youtube videos, I found that they all worship this company called “Diamond Art Club.” Well, lucky for me, Diamond Art Club sells shit on Amazon. So I ordered up a set of non-intimidating coasters. I also ordered some dirt cheap accessory kits. This was an excellent plan. If you want to get started in Diamond Painting, I recommend these things:
Diamond Art Club Coasters (this link is to their website, but they’re cheaper on Amazon in price and shipping — but the section won’t be as great). They’re like $15 on Amazon.
This kit of supplies from Art Dot. It’s got a comfortable pen, diamond trays I like better that then fancy Diamond Art Club ones and a GAZILLION times better than the shit green “boats” that you get with cheap kits (which was broken in mine anyway). It’s also got release papers for when you advance to canvases — must have. It’s got DAC color code label stickers for storage. We got a good roller to smush those diamonds down, a straightener to make it look like you don’t suck, and sealer for a finished project. Yeah — all that under $15. BUY IT.
So then I made this:
IT’S SO SHINY! Not intimidating either. I did this in two evenings, but I’ve done others in a single evening after work. I love that they’re on wood so I can sit on the couch and do them. They even come with cork bottoms. And the Diamond Art Club kits comes with really nice tool kits. A nice pen, better wax, and a nice tray. I still prefer the fat Art Dot pen from that kit I linked though. Also those trays. So soon I did all the coasters in the kit:
I told my Sister-In-Law about this new Diamond Painting thing I was doing. Turns out, my brother gave her a painting for Christmas! She’s been working on it but its very tedious and she wasn’t enjoying it much. So I sent her all the shit to do the coasters. The coasters, the kit, plus extra trays. (Note — that coaster kit comes with great tools so you don’t need the additional tools kit or anything else. The extra tools kit is if you plan to do more stuff like canvases). You can buy 15 Art Dot trays super cheap ($7) but I don’t think you need that many anymore so I’m not going to bother suggesting them. Anyway, all of that sent to her via Amazon was $36. So excellent gift idea there. She did her set of coasters faster than I did! She had one done the night she got the package. They’re very satisfying, yall. Like do it.
At this point I’ve started diamond painting to drown out the family and work stress. So I was ready to conquer the shitty plant canvas. I paid for it, I was going to do it. Here you can see what I’m talking about by Paint-By-Numbers. There are symbols (in this particular canvas numbers) that have a key to tell you which gem color goes there. The canvas is covered in glue. You stick the diamond/gem/drill on the dot. They call them “drills” in Diamond Painting. I don’t know why, they just do.
So it took a long time but I go that canvas done. I used the release papers to section it off. So I think they best method for conquering the canvases is a section at a time. The newer canvases even come with covers that are perforated for you to tear off just a square at a time. So to use the release papers, you just remove the cover all together. Then you place the release papers on small sections so that you can remove just one paper to work on that section. I split this canvas into 12 sections. Some nights I did 2 sections.
This was a BIG learning experience. It was a super cheap kit. So it arrive folded. Yeah. Even after I put the drills on it, there was still a big fold across it. So I knew I’d need to mount it to a canvas board. I had also watched a lot of youtube videos and had too much information for my experience level. I had seen a tip about covering any gaps in the canvas with mica powder. Your girl is a craft queen, I have that! Also, the background had so much white and there was pink wax stuck in there. I wanted to clean it up before the mica powder. I had seen a tip to clean your trays with hand sanitizer because it works amazing at getting any wax out. So I dumped hand sanitizer on it and used a tooth brush. TERRIBLE idea. I don’t know if it’s because these drills were so cheap, but I think I took the shine off.
I pushed forward with the mica powder anyway — we’re in it now. White all over the background. Then I went too far — green on the leaves. Fuck. The green took away the darker colors on the canvas that had shown through and now it looked lighter. So I got black to darken up the dark edges of the leaves. Then FUCK ME, some dripped in the white. God, what a cluterfuck. OK, no way in hell that dark smudge is going anywhere now. So I gotta embrace a color. What would work for the background… purple. The smudge was at the bottom so I started there. I wasn’t loving it. So I decided to just do the bottom. Then I had ruined it like 3 times and should have never fucked with this shit so I sealed it and mounted on the canvas and declared it done. TA-DA!
It looks good in my office anyway.
Then I moved on to a big girl canvas! The leaves had 9 colors. This one had 33!
Look at how fucking beautiful that is! And it’s the good brand, not a chinese drop ship and it really does make a difference. This kit had special drills too! AB means aurora borealis. They have an iridescent coating on top. Also Fairy Dust which have a very fine glitter on top. This one deserve beauty shots:
Here you can see what I mean by working a section at a time. See how I was working a rectangle and doing each color just in that rectangle:
By this time I had discovered Facebook “destash” groups. Even though the big Diamond Art Club canvases are super expensive – they play on FOMO and some people just buy a hundred. So I had seen a kit I loved but was out of stock. I put up and ISO (in seek of) post. Someone offered it to me at cheaper than cost with shipping included. Fuck yeah bitches.
Now this canvas is 40 inches. So a lot. I’m cutting it into 8 smaller sections. Apparently this is sacrilegious. But it also has some people curious. So I might finally dive into youtube craft videos and do a video of how I do it. It’s on the maybe back burner.
I know this will be a huge undertaking and if I try to just power through it, it won’t happen. So I picked up some stuff to do in between sections of the big kit. I got another set of coasters. I ordered some “Mini Dazzles” (link goes to the website, but again they can be purchased on Amazon). I got the 80’s set and already made this cute cassette tape:
I also picked up the most ADORABLE Otter from the good site and a chinese drop ship polar bear. The polar bear has sunglasses and lots of neon colors so it just looks like it would be a fun one to do.
So if you haven’t heard from me in a few weeks, I’ve been under a lot of stress and self-medicating by sticking dots to canvases so I won’t think about what a fucking clusterfuck everything is. The world, my job, my family. It’s all going to HELL. So shiny dots it is.
Listen, the economy is in the shitter, so I’ve started ordering a bunch of groceries through Walmart. Specifically, Walmart Plus AKA Walmart+.
When I do grocery delivery, I’ve been pretty happy. The drivers are always nice — they like their jobs. If something is missing, it’s super easy to hop online and get a refund. Then I got to Publix to get my meats and whatever Walmart didn’t have. The only extra cost is the tip to the driver. They also do free shipping.
Well, I did a huge order this weekend. But I split it in two. Stuff I needed for Monday and perishables, I got deliverered from store. Everything else I did shipping. That way it wouldn’t be a massive total to tip on and I didn’t care if the other stuff sat on the porch.
So for shipping, I ordered:
Four big bags of prepopped popcorn (don’t judge, husband doesn’t like the fresh made as much).
Five bags of keto chips (four smaller bags per bag).
Four boxes of keto poptarts.
A bargained size box of garbage bags.
Six bags of keto cereal.
FOUR CASES OF CANNED DRINKS.
Now, I assumed all of this would come from a local store. Usually, they just have their drivers drop off “shipping” deliveries that are just in grocery bags. I have ordered the case of drinks before and it did ship FedEx (in this same clusterfuck fashion) with some other stuff, but I thought it was because my store didn’t have that flavor.
So I get a notice that it will come in two shipments Monday and Tuesday or I could pick one shipment on Wednesday. Fuck you, being my shit quicker. They didn’t get that memo because Monday, I get a notification that it has shipped via FedEx from TEXAS. States away. It will be here Wednesday. I didn’t think more of it though because I didn’t have anything I’d run out of before then so whatever.
Today, Wednesday, I get my delivery. An enormous box that is already torn open with all my shit just thrown in it. It’s torn open because nothing is actually holding any of this shit in place — it’s just a bunch of shit thrown in a box and shipped.
So I dragged the box in because it was huge and heavy and here it is:
I haven’t touched anything in that box for this photo. That’s how I got it. Cases of cans with no padding except for my other groceries. Hell, look — even the case of cans have come open and spilled cans out. Crushed boxes, crushed chips, and one popcorn even just gave up the ghost and exploded to fill the air with a lovely toasty scent and get all over my floor. There’s six bags of expensive ass cereal in there too — under on of those cases of drinks. And this is over $200 of groceries in here. All just in this one big giant box.
Even if you wanted to ship it out in one absurd box, couldn’t you package the crushables in a box and the drinks in a box and put those side by side in here? Even the damn drink boxes are banged up by each other.
Hang on, are you getting the scale of this box? Like boxes this big aren’t for shipping individual things. They’re for appliances. Or bodies.
See? That’s my fat ass IN THIS BOX. And I can’t even do anything about it. Because it shipped, if I want to do any returns they have to be SHIPPED VIA FEDEX back. Yeah, usually when you need to return something, Walmart+ drivers just come pick it up. Cause they delivered it. I fucking love that. BUT NOT IN THIS CLUSTER FUCK.
Also, like I said — this isn’t a one off. I had a case of cans mixed with a bunch of groceries once before — they just weren’t quite as crushable as these. Nor was the order as large. So there wasn’t as much box for the CASE OF CANNED DRINKS to party in.
Does anyone know how the fuck to complain about this? Yes, I called. I filed a complaint. But it’s with a call center in India so you know it won’t get seen.
If you ship anything — make sure to order heavy things BY THEMSELVES. Separate orders. Wait for the heavy shit to ship out — then order the rest. Cause good god. $200 doesn’t even buy you packaging or two boxes.
When you find a nice thing and you have to show it to everyone because we stopped having show ‘n tell after kindergarten. Which, BTW, we need to bring back. You know how we have fucking bullshit Lunch ‘n Learn topics every Thursday? And fucking Wellness Wednesday lunches? Well I want a TEAMS call show ‘n tell! I wanna eat my lunch and watch my coworkers show me fancy things. Or their pets. Or their favorite new pen. Whatever they want. I’d tune into that every god damn week AND participate. So here is my latest Amazon review:
This box is so fantastic, that I’m skipping right over the fact that normal tissue boxes are ugly and obnoxious. Do I need a rainforest print in my living room? No. Do you sell solid colors? Also, no. We’re skipping that.
What is this box even made of? I can’t bend it. And it is actually rather weighty. My cat can’t even knock this off the table – and he’s gonna try. There’s a magnetic closure on the bottom (some tissue box covers don’t even HAVE bottoms) and when it closes, there is a very satisfying thunk sound. And yall, it’s LINED. Not just with paper – it’s lined with the velour type felt that jewelry boxes are lined with.
I say again to you, good sir, why is this box so nice?
I tried to take some close-up pictures to show you the craftsmanship. Look at those straight lines and seams. Look at that lining. Look how perfectly square the lining is cut and applied to in the inside of the bottom of the tissue box cover that no one will ever see. Look at the hole! The PU leather isn’t just cut out at the hole, it’s finished and sewn. Oh and whatever non-trivial material this thing is made of has been covered in another layer of matching PU leather very well folded over and then sealed with the way-too-nice liner. I’m actually holding this in my hands flipping it around wondering how they got this perfect curve so nicely covered without a seam going down the hole – wait! I picked it up again, after typing that, to examine this sorcery again – there is a seam, it’s just nearly invisible. I only noticed it by feel. Thank you, because I’m a crafter and I was confused by that impossibility.
The only downside it that the “silver grey” is metallic. I’m putting this in my living room so I’d have preferred a matte finish. However, if it weren’t so dang nice, I could just put it in the bathroom and it’d look great in there.
I’m going to start showing guests the tissue box, aren’t I? Being old is so weird.
Vornado — fucking champions. Replaced the fan immediately with a new one as soon as I sent them a picture of mine with the cord cut off. A++ service. American made — BUY THEIR SHIT. They make excellent things that work and they stand by them.
Calphelon — Their website warrantly claim form errors evey damn time. I’ve tried at least 11 times on various days. Go through all the pages, answer the questions, upload photos, and bam — error submitting claim. I emailed with no response. The phone system tells you to use the website. ARRRRRRRRGGG. But I haven’t given up.
MailBoss. FUCK MAILBOSS. I called and they asked for pictures. So I sent pictures of very obvious rusting and finish flaking off after less than one year. They emailed me back that it can happen near the coast. I DON’T LIVE NEAR THE COAST. This summer was A DROUGHT. It’s a mild climate and this thing wasn’t a year old before it started rusting. They said I should sand it down, repaint it, and wax it every year to prevent this happeneing again. Wait — why isn’t waxing this thing mentioned ANYWHERE? I’d have waxed it to begin with!
So does Mailboss stand behind their product warranty. Fuck no they don’t. $400 on a mailbox and it rusts immediately and they just tell you to repaint it. Awesome.
So that made me a bit bothered. So I decided, I will let people know about this. So I clicked around on their website. Searched for them on a few websites and and then hopped on to Facebook. Ah, Target ads, thank you. So I left some comments. Then, I created a post about them and tagged them in it. It is currently at the very top of their mentions page on their own Facebook page:
It was really late on a work night, but I decided I needed to hit up some Amazon reviews for this piece of shit before bed. So I go yell on Amazon, as I like to do and then…
“You’ve been invited to the Amazon Vine Program”
WHAT? I tried so hard to get into this program back in 2019 when I had a head injury and couldn’t work so I just decided to review everything I’d ever bought on Amazon. I did detailed reviews. Ton’s of pictures. People loved my reviews. I was in the top 2000 reviewers at one point. But after a few months, it just was too much effort. So I stopped trying. Oh, I still review shit — but not everything like I used to. And now I’m invited?
WHAT?
My orneriness is being recognized with free products in exchange for a honest review? What?
I’VE MADE IT.
I’ve submitted 9 reviews for free things now. Only one wave has come in. I can order up to 3 items per day with a limit of $100 per item. Of course they have to be part of the Amazon Vine program which is random as fuck. There’s over 77 thousand products and the variety is wild. A lot of it is very niche replacement parts for specific products. There’s a lot of balloon arches and party supplies. a TON of Stanly Cup organizers. And why on earth are there so many things targeted towards healing after a BBL? did you know there are airbeds with a hole cutout for your ass? Cause there are.
Now I can’t just go buck wild. I will have to claim everything on my taxes. I had to fill out a tax form and the cost of the items I receive will be counted as income. So far the most expensive thing I’ve ordered is a double golf-bag rack and shelving for my nephews and brother who all play golf. I’ve also ordered and received:
Blanket: 4.7 Stars
Gym Drink Bag: 2 Stars
Socks: 2 stars
Solar Lantern: 4 Stars
Vacuum storage bags: 4 Stars
Black Dress: 4 Stars
“Drink Pusher” 5 Stars
Leather Notebook Cover: 3 Stars
Tissue Box Cover: 3 Stars
Shower Squeegees: 3 Stars
What is a drink pusher?
Yep. It’s like a vending machine thing for your refrigerator!
But three of my reviews have been denied and I don’t get WHY. I guess they’re really anal about the Vine reviews? This one I can only figure was because I mentioned having OCD? So I took all that out to resubmit. The gym bag review got denied and I have NO IDEA why. Maybe because I mentioned the brand of bag I was comparing it to? We’ll see, I removed the brand name and resubmitted. Then the squeegee review got denied. No idea on that one. It might be because I mentioned I was reviewing it? But that doesn’t make sense… I’m so confused. The blanket review got denied too and I fucking love that blanket. I’ve been writing really detailed reviews with tons of photos! Like the gym bag review — it wouldn’t stick to my refrigerator. So I took pictures of it fully loaded with everything in it — then on the front of the fridge, then the side, then I was like. It can’t suck this much ass. So I TOOK IT OUTSIDE and stuck it to my mailbox. Success. And it stuck to my tornado shelter too! So I had EDITED MARKUP pictures with “Fridge? No.” “Side of Fridge? No.” “Mailbox? Yes!”
Look, I went outside in the evening hours to take that photo. I put a bottle of ice water in there with my wallet and car keys and slapped it on my mailbox. I put it in photoshop and added text. These are the reviews the people WANT.
And obviously I’m reviewing with other Vine peeps and some of their reviews are a single sentence. REALLY?
Let me see if I can find the original Drink Pusher one…
Me owning this item is actually hilarious. Let me tell you why. I hosted family two weeks ago. My sister-in-laws sister doesn’t know me well. So the next morning she very timidly asked me if she could ask me something without offending me. Ok! She asked if I was OCD. Yep! She asked because of how organized my refrigerator was.
You see, I already stored my drinks like this. I just didn’t have the fancy pusher! I was manually reloading the fridge and pulling them forward to look nice. Talk about an upgrade!
I didn’t organize my drinks like this for my OCD, I just like for everything to have a proper place and look neat. Including in my refrigerator. But I did my drinks like this at first as a joke for my husband. When I started working from home, I started making him lunch. I started calling it my café and would yell order up when his lunch was ready. Then one day, I lined up all of his drinks like this and opened the fridge and joked that we stocked a full accoutrement of drinks at the café now. (He likes these Spin Drift flavored waters so I keep a lot of flavors to keep it interesting. Well, I liked the look so it’s been that way for a few months.
Then TODAY, I installed this masterpiece! I sent her a picture and told her I’ve upgraded! I actually sent it to a bunch of my friends because I’m just so tickled with it. One asked, “does that push the drinks forward for you?” YES! And she just laughed. I love it! I wish I had another row for my friends coconut water!
No redlines. No notes. I love it. Excellent price. Functions great. No tools to assemble. I’m even deeply amused that the easy-to-follow instructions just refer to it as “the pusher.”
For buyers I do have a tip: Put it together with the drinks you intend for it to hold. You’ll need to know how wide to make the lanes. When I first assembled it, I just put the rails and lanes right up next to each other. I tested it with a can and it was fine. Then I loaded it up and stuck it in the fridge and it didn’t work! Bummer! So I’m looking at it and thinking it just doesn’t have enough spring power. But no – it just had too much friction. The lane width needs to be wide enough that the rails aren’t pushing against your cans. When I tested it with just a single can, there weren’t cans on either side pushing the rails in. But you also can’t make the lanes too wide. Otherwise, your straight row of cans gets a bit jumbled. So have what you want to put in here with you when you assemble it to get the spacing right. You can always take it out and readjust later, like I did – but save yourself the trouble.
Oh! I do have one note that’s not important. My refrigerator is a full depth one. Not a counter depth fridge. Yours is probably counter depth. So I could actually fit more cans in without this. This can only fit 5 cans deep. Do I need six of every flavor at all times? Hell no. But I was doing it. Also, as you now have lanes and rails and a need for space between rows to lighten up the friction, I did have to go from 6 cans wide to 5 in roughly the same space. My husband’s choices are drastically less now. Yes, that’s sarcasm. I think this is plenty of options!
I really do love this thing. It’s so extra and so awesome all at once.
Festivus has come (early or late?). We’re having the airing of grievances. I’ve got a lot of problems with you people, and now you’re gonna hear about it.
First, I fucking LOVE my Vornado fan. So much so, that I’ve bought three. When the first one died, I ordered another online. Then it (the ultimate fan in question) began to act hinky so I ordered a third fan to replace it. Well, hinky guy straightened up after that so I just had two. That’s cool. Amazing fan.
Cut to now and hinky is acting up again. Replacement already has another use so I need to order another. That’s cool. I love my Vornado. So I hop over to Amazon (after comparing prices to Walmart because I’m trying to switch over to Walmart+ because FUCK AMAZON). I have ordered this fan twice before. I know. Thank you. But wait — 5 year warranty? How old is this one? Well, hinky is only 4 years old. Thank you order history.
I look them up and they are an American company and seem to be pretty good (I mean it’s a fucking amazing fan, so I’m not surprised). So I contact them about my fan, hinky. They’re like “That’s cool. Just cut the cord and send us picture evidence so we can ship you a new one.”
Wait what? I get a FREE fan? I was just about to pay $50 for one!
Well, I have other warranty things that have been bugging me too. So it’s warranty day, bitches.
Calphalon lifetime warranty? What does that cover? I watch a youtube where they replaced his so yeah — I’m filling a claim on this expensive ass pan. We were gifted two from our registry for our wedding (no idea how two were purchased from the registry). Well, I never opened one. It’s moved with us in its original packaging. It’s been my favorite pan for 12 years. But it’s finally just not at all non-stick anymore. So I broke out the old-newbie. Holy shit. This pan is amazing! I forgot how great this pan used to be. I’m filling a warranty claim! Back up your words, Calphalon!
Mailboss mail box. Lifetime warranty. Why does my $300 white mailbox look like such shit after a year and 2 months outside in a mild climate in near drought? Why you so rusty? Lifetime warranty? But warranty doesn’t cover rust and finishes. Well, I’m arguing this is a fucking defect in yalls paint. So I called and they asked me to send pictures. So I did.
Pictures of all three products were sent in today. I’ll let you know if I get replacements. I’m pretty positive on the Vornado because they already accepted the claim — I just needed to send evidence that I “destroyed” the old one by cutting the cord — literally. We shall see on the others.
Yes, I know it is a power cord to plug in Hallmark ornaments. However, this still made me laugh. I love the idea of a Hallmark Keepsake Power Cord. I love that it’s packaged like its own precious keepsake. I love the idea of a power cord being a keepsake.
We all have keepsake power cords. There’s a drawer, or more likely box, of cords somewhere in your house. Unless you’re really disorganized and they’re kind of just everywhere.
I actually have one adapter I keep just for nostalgia. It’s an audio out to cassette converter. Yeah, when iPods came out, a lot of cars still had cassette players. Also, iPods had audio out. So yes, I keep that because it’s funny. I used that. Then I got super fancy and bought an adapter that connected to the audio out and transmitted to an FM radio frequency. Yeah, WIRELESS! I don’t think those lasted long. But what a time to be alive. The 90s were awesome.
Related but also unrelated: last night I watched an explanation of why there are so many USB connectors. USB was supposed to be the one cord to rule them all. So why are there so many? USB A/B (plus their blue counterparts for USB 3.0). Mini USB A/B. On-the-go USB. Micro USB. Now USB C.
Then there are the unknown numbers of proprietary plugs USB was made to prevent. Plus all the various monitor cables we’ve had over the years! Parallel cables for old printers. I kinda want to make a shadowbox with all the different connectors. Maybe labeled like a specimen box. If you think I’m joking, you don’t know me. That cassette adapter deserves to be on display.
Maybe Hallmark needs to make a Keepsake Power Cord ornament. A ball of mixed cables. Or a box of them.
Not Related
Amazon also had this in a Facebook ad later in the day:
Disposable bathtub liners. On the one hand, I have seen enough OCD people to know this has a market. Especially if they do a rented house or hotel room.
Before we get started, this post is two months late. In fact, I’ve already posted our 2024 Christmas Gingerbread House post (Click here). So that post is actually a lot more informative. I only realized I hadn’t posted this one when I went to reference it for that one. My bad! So I recommend you read that one first as it has lessons learned from this one that we implemented in the second build. However on this one, we went in blind. And it was a clusterfuck. It ended up fantastic — but this is a valuable lesson in just because someone looks awesome, doesn’t mean they’re better than you. They just covered their shit in a ton of icing.
We roped in K and ran with it. Now, Halloween is my favorite holiday. So rather than wait for Christmas, I went all in for Halloween. I can say (since that’s already been posted) that the Christmas build went better, but my Halloween house was much more elaborate. We had TONS of candy and we made templates. I went advanced. I wanted Adam’s Family vibes. But I made it on the fly without taping it together — so there were a lot of errors. You’ll see. Look at all that candy!
This is the same Gingerbread recipe we used for the Christmas House but was our first go. It was a mess. a sticky sticky mess. I can see that it’s a lot more wet here, that might have been a problem. It’s also a lot more brown because I dumped in some coco powder for color.
Perhaps due to the wetness, These pieces bubbled while cooking so we had to pull them out and roll them. They also bent and curled like crazy while drying. So watch this shit. You’ll see some serious fuckery in my pieces. Also, as I said on that other post — if you’re baking pieces that are touching — re-cut those lines halfway through because this shit is concrete.
So here you can see my finished pieces that had windows getting ready to go in. The windows are just broken up jolly ranchers. Like I said in the previous post, you do this AFTER the cookies are baked. The jolly ranchers melt fast and they’d burn long before the dough cooks.
I’ll also point out, I tried sugar-free jolly ranchers. I noticed they were made of isomalt which is what they use in all the fancy TV competitions. So I did most of mine in Sugar-free. I didn’t have enough though, so I did end up with some regular. Some things of note:
Sugar-free is far more expensive.
Sugar-free dries solid. The regular jolly ranchers always feel a little sticky to the touch. They can also drip if you put icing directly on them (as seen in a few of my Christmas House windows).
The regular jolly ranchers are more translucent and bright. The color is so much more vibrant and they light up better. Add on the cheaper price and fuck sugar-free.
So the first bit of fuckery I want to point out you can see here. Look at the piece with three stories of windows. Look at how fucked up that texture is. That’s because we were trying to keep them from curling by putting pans on top of them and I forgot the parchment paper on top. So I had to scrape it off a pan halfway though baking. That’s never gonna go well. You can also see on the back piece that I’m holding up how wonky the lines are and that the bottom corner curls up. This led to a lot of gaps where pieces joined which required a lot of icing coverage. One of my roof tiles also curled insanely because noone was watching it while I was rotating in new stuff.
I wasn’t thrilled with the color of this gingerbread. So the next morning, I mixed up some violet royal icing and watered it down to a wash and washed all my pieces in purple. I LOVE IT. First, very Halloween. Second, the flaws and ugly spots where there are wrinkles and dents are now bright purple instead of dark holes! Because more icing settled in those areas. I fucking love this technique. That’s why I repeated it on the Christmas house. It was fucking perfect on this Halloween House.
In these next photos, you can see that the side to right in the Louie picture has the brighter regular jolly ranchers. See what I mean about them looking better? You can also see two full size roof pieces I made. Welp, remember how I never taped this thing together? Yeah, I had to saw on that and break it as best I could in half. Live and learn. You can also see the fuck ton of small pieces to make my porch and stairs. You know what I did on the Christmas Gingerbread house? I made the fucking stairs with caramels and iced over them. LOOK HOW MUCH WORK THAT SAVED. You can also see how curled some of my pieces are. That’s where two batches of black icing will come in later. You can also see that lovely fucked up piece I scrapped off a pan.
This house was turning into such a fucking disaster that I don’t have many in-progress shots. I do have this one I want to share though to show the level of fuckery we are talking about.
There are a few things to see here:
Look how I wedged a piece of gingerbread in that side gap LOL
The first floor roof covers my already decorated windows.
Also, if I keep the bottom roof line for the porch, my door will be covered. So I’m going to have to raise it for the porch which will cover part of that already decorated window too. Whatever. Choices had to be made.
Most obviously, what the fuck happened to my second story windows? Why is one half covered? This is what happens when you just make a template on the fly.
I’m just going to have to ice over it. I’ll scrape off the candy and iced edges and cover it in icing. Like a FUCK TON of icing to level it up and block the light.
This is why the purple icing on this (and mimicked on the side tops) has that texture. There was so much icing that it kept slipping down and I kept pushing it back up. Well, as it dried, it cracked. So I leaned into the “texture” it was creating.
It looked really bad with just a really short window — so I MADE IT A CIRCLE WINDOW! Genius. See how epic disasters can work for you?
One more cluster fuck that almost didn’t see the light of day. I found an adorable Nightmare Before Christmas themed house online and they made the roof look like metal sheeting. I wanted to do that! I wanted to have a swirl of burgundy and black. To get their texture, they used a tile grout tool dragged over the royal icing poured out. Well, I guess my royal icing was too watery? Because there was no way mine was going to hold a shape that sharp. I also didn’t have that tool, so I decided to wing it with a fork!
Well, it wasn’t going to hold the fork texture either so for over an hour, I had to keep stroking it horizontally to get the ridges. Do you see my color swirls? No? That’s because they were obliterated during this process. More and more every time I did it. Now it was just a really ugly ass color. UGH. We will wait.
By the next morning, it had not solidified like the lady on the internet promised it would. So I popped it in the oven on a super low heat. This might be what cause the next problem. It was a very fragile honeycomb crumbly texture. So crumbly. It was impossible to cut my straight metal roof pieces (though I did try wit ha pizza cutter). So I just salvaged what pieces I tried to cut that didn’t shatter 100%. I had those laid out on three pans and hoped I had enough. Then I started shingling the roof with the pieces I had in some kind of manner. It was so so so bad. I almost just ripped it all off. Husband came down to see how I was doing and we discussed ripping it off because it looked so bad. And there wasn’t enough contrast with the purple siding. Also, the pieces were of very uneven thicknesses because some broke off the “back” bit — it was really weird. And the edge would just crumble if you thought about touching them. So I started outlining the bigger pieces in the purple icing to keep them from crumbling. Ran out, eventually switched to black.
Even then it was a hot mess of crumbling icing. But the black was at least making it pop a bit more. So I leaned in and started outlining the cracks that were forming. I outlined over the divots that were missing. I outlined around every piece to keep the edges protected (and together). I was kinda salvaging it! I placed big pieces over areas I had filled in with crumbled bits and just outlined around the new ones. It was not anything close to my aim, but I was achieving “decrepit” roof! I worked out for me! Triumph over adversity!
I also used a fuck ton of black icing covering all of the joins. Notice that in some areas, that black icing is REAL THICK. If you would like to look at the front of the tower, you will see how the right side of the tower has black icing three times thicker than the left. Well, it matters which pieces are back to back when assembling and that right join was wide on the front and the left was wide on the side. Fuck me! So when I iced the joins, my windows and door were so far off center it was comical. Like maybe this is why my second story window was covered? Kidding, that was its own fuckup. Welp. I guess we’ll just go with… more black icing? It worked for the roof. So um yeah… Just a really thick line of icing to make them look centered! SWEET! Yeah, I used two full batches of black icing on this house. That’s how much shit is filled in with black icing.
Now, another hot mess was that side I had to scrape off a baking pan. The gnarly bent one with all the deep divots and valleys. How the fuck was I supposed to fix that? Guys, I guess we’re doing a vine.
Yes, a vine climbing up the house that conveniently crosses all of those areas. Ooooo, what it it’s even all up on the third story roof! Like those vines that grow on my own house that grow into the gutters if I let them grow unchecked for too long. YEAH. I guess it would kind cover like the corner of the house ’cause I can’t have all this vine on the side and none on the back. And making it look “rooted” in that corner will let me cover that massive 1-inch+ gap at the bottom where the back and side join. WIN!
So you see? This house is fucking epic. It’s way “better” than my Christmas Church! I mean, “better” is in quotation marks because build-wise, this is a cluster fuck. Looks-wise though. I’m good. This is the shit. I am so fucking proud of this house. I’m almost even more proud because of how fucked up it was at points (hence there being no photos of those points). It was so bad, I wanted to scrap it. But I continued on. And it came out amazing! And some of the best bits – the crazy roof, the vine, the circle window -were never intended — they were just damage control! None of that was in my vision for this house at all. Even the heavy black icing covering gaps just makes it very gothic and Halloween.
Lastly, a few details. Lots of pumpkins! I wanted a porch with stairs just so I could put pumpkins on them. The pumpkins are Braches Pumpkins that were Moms favorite Halloween candy — plus some orange and green M&Ms for little and immature ones. I dyed shredded coconut green for the lawn. Look at my bat sprinkle door handles!
There were supposed to the three stairs but it ran out of room. Since I fucked up the stairs, I had to fix some size discrepancies with caramels sculpted like clay and iced over. Also, That’s how I came to the caramels-can-just-be-the-stairs in the next iteration.
Does anyone else think the windows look like gaping open muppet mouths? That was not intentional.
