Author: cursingcats.com

A Facebook Post Derailed

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I had my thyroid tested on Monday — it happens all the time. Any change and my thyroid goes whacko. I got the results today — all good! However there was more.

“You have tons of antibodies!” WTF, I didn’t know we were testing anything else. I mean, yay, but WTF? Is everyone testing people for antibodies now or just my doc (who I adore, BTW)?

They never asked me if I had the vaccine before the blood draw. Only after it showed antibodies.

I wonder if we’re testing to see how much of the population has antibodies? That’d be nice. It’d be nice of Alabama did ANYTHING with all these damn antivaxxers taking horse dewormer. Don’t trust the vaccine, but trust the horse dewormer because the internet is smarter than your doctor.

I get so angry reading anything about vaccines. I look at comment threads and become enraged. This shit killed mom. I don’t give a fuck who else it killed, it killed MOM. Take the god damn shot. You eat hotdogs and god knows what without giving a crap about what you’re putting in your body — including COW MEDICINE — but not, not the vaccine! *gasp*

I’ve said it many a time. I hate people.

But it has a 98% survival rate! OK, bitch that’s 1 in 50. 50 of you go stand in a room and I’ll randomly murder one of you. Would you go in the room? But I mean 98% chance survival!

If you want to argue with me, save me the trouble and defriend me. Cause I’m just gonna defriend you. Unless we’re related in which case I will heavily judge and maybe just hide you. We can disagree and I can still love you. I can love you and think your a motherfucking dumbass too.

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And this is where I realized how much my Facebook post had derailed and deleted it. But yall can enjoy it!

It’s Happening!

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So after the plastic surgery consultation, I had to talk to Mr C.  Obviously, I’m 100% for it.  I wants it [sic on purpose because I’m Gollum and I wants it, dammit].  The question is just when for me.   When can I have it?  Mr C has our purse strings (Don’t worry, we both wield equal powers, some of us are just better at certain things and therefore get to be in charge of them.  Mr C is excellent with finances. I am not) and this is a BIG chunk of coin. 

For Mr C, I think the biggest thing was how invasive it’s going to be.  I don’t think he realized just how fucked up I’m going to be – helpless, basically.  A tummy tuck itself is a painful minefield, I’m combining it with my arms!  How does one get up if you can’t use your arms or your abs either?  Well, one does CrossFit to get in shape for this shit.  One might use a blanket you can pull me up with without having to touch me.  I’m not a pioneer here, lesser people have done this and survived.  For me the only booo was that I’ll be wearing drains for two to three weeks!  Ugh.  I knew I’d be wearing drains and was actually thankful they would just be my stomach and not on my arms too – but three weeks?  I’m going to have to get over the creepiness of a port TO MY INSIDES.  Anyway, we’ll manage.  I might have to request a helper join us for a day or three to help Mr C take care of me while I get my bearings.  But we’ll manage. 

So?  MR C SAID BOOK IT! 

Fuck yeah, he did!  I’m having plastic surgery on December 1st!  My arms ‘gonna be skinny and my pudge ‘gonna be gone!  I’m ‘gonna be so sexy.  Then I’m ‘gonna go back and get boobs latter!  Yall better watch out!  Next summer: nothing but tank tops.  No sleeves, bitches!  And all kinds of cleavage hanging out of everything.  You’ll live with it.  Fifty’s dresses galore!

Next year is our tenth anniversary too!  A few years ago, when I wanted to make my wedding dress into a piece of art we could actually use – Mr C wouldn’t let me.  He thought it’d be nice to take pictures again one day — like our anniversary.  Oh that baby is getting altered to hell and back!  I’m much skinner and my boobs are going to be much bigger!  It’s going to look sooooo good.  I’m thinking a pumpkin patch or a sunflower field.  It’s going to be amazing! 

And we’re ‘gonna have a boobie party!  I’ve been talking about wanting plastic surgery forever.  While the stomach and arms are going to be the big things that matter the most to ME, personally… Come on, everyone’s just going to care about the boobs.  My friends, especially A, have been joking about throwing me a boob party.  Well bitches, it’s finally happening!  I’m thinking when the pool opens up next summer – I can get a super skanky low cut bathing suit.  And we will have a boobie coming out party!  I want a boob Mardi Gras necklace! 

I’M SO EXCITED! 

Plastic Surgeon Consultation

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So today Mr C and I went to see the plastic surgeon. It was strange. Most of it was the nurse telling me a million things I already knew. I’ve heavily researched what I want done so none of it was new. I know the recovery times, the scars, the areas they cut, the results to expect, the recovery time. I even celebrated when she mentioned exparel! Yeah, bitch I know that — it’s a pain blocker shot they inject directly into your muscles while they operate that lasts 3 days. $400, shoot me up, bitches! Less oral pain meds and gets you over that nightmare day 2 and 3. Hells yeah. You want me to leave the surgical tape on as long as possible, of course.

So then it was waiting around for the doctor. And sweating like crazy.

Oh wait — first were the terrible pictures of me in teeny tiny underwear that was way too small for my fat ass. One size does not fit all in the plastic surgeons office, ladies. Pictures of every angle, mostly butt naked, all up in my fat folds. Thanks. This is the photo shoot I always wanted. I felt a lot better having Mr C with me, actually. It was like we were suffering this craziness and embarrassment together. Awesome. I look forward to being in your photo albums.

Then was the waiting around for the doctor and sweating like crazy. I took off that stupid paper gown because paper doesn’t breath. And I asked for a paper blanket to cover up because again, one size doesn’t fit all, ladies. That “gown” had ties on it but they were for Barbie — they weren’t gonna go half way around my ass.

I think my nakedness freaked the doctor out. Which I didn’t get, I mean you’re here to look at and grab and poke at my fat rolls. But he insisted on “as much modesty as possible.” Not sure he liked me — but he likes my wallet so he couldn’t show it 😉

Oh, also, apparently Mr C doesn’t have curiosity about buttons and switches. While waiting, I discovered the switch that made the photo backdrop go up and down AND the volume control for the non existent music. That man lacks curiosity. It’s not the first time I’ve noticed it. He just isn’t inquisitive. He was like “I bet if you had a red button that said do not press. you’d press it.” Well, first I’d ask what it did. But yeah, you leave me alone long enough with no answer, that button is gonna consume my every thought.

Anyway — Surprisingly, the doctor 100% agreed with me! While doing the arms and stomach at the same time is frowned upon and not normally what he would do. He said he’d do it! I’m gonna be in a shit ton of pain for 2 weeks, but he’ll do it! Why? Well, he totally understood. For most people, boobs are their biggest concern. For ME, though — they’re last. My arms bother me the most. That’s followed by my stomach. my stomach pudge sticks out further than my breasts. It makes it look like I’m wearing skin tight pants even if they’re actually too big. It’s just always there flopping around. How can I make an educated decision about my boob size when my arms and stomach are so huge? I don’t know what I’m gonna look like at all! How much is my stomach going to go down? What will I want to balance out my ass? I might not go as big as I would now with this huge stomach. He understood this and agreed. Lets do the stomach and arms and then decide on the breasts!

Now the prices, they were a lot more than we expected. The stomach and arms are as much as we thought the whole kit-and-caboodle was gonna cost. So I’m all in, the question is with Mr C. He’s in charge of finances. So will he go for now or will he want to save up more…

To Be Continued.

So Anxious!

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Tomorrow is my appointment with the plastic surgeon. I’ve waited months for this. I haven’t lost any weight (though I’ve strengthened up with crossfit). So I’m really nervous. I’m afraid he’ll turn me away.

I’m so anxious! Will he agree to do any operation at all? Will be it be arms only or arms and tummy? If it’s the latter, can I handle that kind of recovery without my mom here to take care of me? Then again, he might say no all together. In which case I’ll be heart broken.

Will he be nice? Will he be an asshole? At least Mr C will be there with me for the naked awkwardness. Let’s pray the right decisions are made.

Some Things 8/15

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1) Yesterday I’m chillin’ in my pool with K3. I’m floating in an egg plant all nice and comfy and then… a motherfucking SNAKE brushed up against my arm! YES! A SNAKE! It was a tiny baby snake. Thankfully, nonpoisonous. I killed that motherfucker with a machete. Not cool, nature, not cool. There was also a tick and a dead mole in the pool. What the fuck? It’s a square of concrete filled with salt water. It’s not a river! Leave my shit alone! I hate nature. IT TOUCHED ME. Ugh. Now I’m gonna be super paranoid about checking every inch of the pool before I get in.

2) Cross fit continues. This week has been a real emotional rollercoaster for me. I’m not 100% sure why, it’s not my monthly cycle or anything. I’ve been in crossfit for a month this week. I’ve done 6 regular classes plus the 4 onboarding classes. But for some reason, Wednesday got to me. After Wednesdays work out I just felt pathetic. I felt embarrassed and ashamed. I wanted to quit. It was runs and barbells and I can’t do the runs (I’m subbing with bike) and I couldn’t get the damn push jerks right to save my life. All while I’m using the training bar and 2.5lb weights and some of these other bitches are slinging like 200lbs! And here I can’t do ANY OF IT. I just felt like I was setting myself up to be humiliated.

I’m working out surrounded by the fittest of the fit, and here my fat ass is in their space. They’re the sharks and I’m in their ocean. I really just felt humiliated and in deep fear of being mocked. I’ve been bullied a lot in my life. I’ve had people make rude comments about my weight even as an adult (down over 100lbs, now though!). So I actually cried about it. And with my monthly subscription coming up this week — I’d have quit if it weren’t for K2 and K3. I have two people supporting me and willing to make sure I never have to work out by myself. I’m blessed to be able to afford this expensive ass gym. I can’t squander this opportunity.

Friday’s workout was better. K3 is super supportive and motivated. She also somehow enjoys working out so she has a great energy. So we finished 3 team rounds of the impossible. I did over 30 burpees! Plus 26lb hang cleans and rowing. Today we did more barbells (hang snatches) and pull ups (I sub ring rows) with K2. So I’m still totally failing at the bar LOL — I just can’t master the moves. I’m thinking so hard about all the little specifics that make up the move that I can’t do it. I’m in my head too much and can’t do the move fast enough to get it all timed right. But I looked up youtube videos beforehand to try and get it worked out. So I’m getting better.

Also one of the youtube videos broke down crossfit as a whole a little bit. They acknowledged how hard it is to be in there with all these athletes slinging mega weights. They discussed how it’s easier to go to a normal gym and feel less judged. But then he discussed how it’s better to learn form these people correctly slinging all that weight so they can teach you how to get there. And to take advantage of your coaches who want to help you get there too. So I asked lot of questions tonight. And I tried to mingle a little more. I even reminded my onboarding coach to put up my intro picture on the website so I can get to know people more. Here’s to another month starting this week! I’ve got my ripstop cream and I’m sitting here recovering with my compression socks on and a compression knee sleeve on my terrible knee and some turkey meatballs. Thanks to my chickas K2 and K3 who have no idea how much they mean to me right this second in my life. I’m so thankful.

3) We spread moms ashes. Part one. She wanted to be spread at the beach and in the mountains. Well, the first week of August is my families yearly vacation to Florida. We’ve got a time share and we’ve done it every year since I was a baby. (Except that now we alternate our vacations each year with my family vs Mr C’s family trip). Florida was moms thing. She loved it. It was her place. She could just sit on the beach all day with her toes in the waves. She slept with the balcony door cracked so she could listen to the waves. She had coffee on the balcony with the sunrise over the ocean.

Being down there without her was beyond difficult. But we did good and we spread her ashes at sunrise. We went to her (well, the whole family’s) favorite breakfast spot and crossed over the a public beach area. With the smell of her favorite apple fritters in the air and the colors of an ocean sunrise, we threw flowers in the water. I hope you loved it, momma. I miss you so so much. *wipes away tear*

Rope Burns and Blisters

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So this week was my first week of Crossfit General Population (GP). I was out of town until Tuesday so K3 and I went to our first regular classes on Wednesday and Friday. I was able to do some sort of scaling for everything so really proud of myself and got a hell of a workout both times. Like, I was dead both times.

Wednesday was rope climbing, rowing, and zercher carries. Instead of climbing, I did walk ups — where you lay on the ground and pull yourself up by climbing the rope (and in my case getting up on my legs to shift some of that weight asap). Then I also did J hangs, which is the way you position your feet to hold your weight while you’re climbing. We did it from sitting on a box. I was able to swing on the rope! Go me! Spidermaning it! This is where K3 and I both earned our rope burns. So THATS why they all had leg protection on. Then I used the 35lb bag for the zercher carry. Man that killed my arms. I’m gonna zercher carry my pool salt to the pool now.

Friday was muscle up pull ups, double unders (jump rope), and rowing. So I did ring rows where I lean back and pull myself up to the rings instead of pull ups. I did the row to 20 calories rather than the Rx 24. And I can’t jump rope so I did a step to weight. It was kinda hoppy alternating which leg I hopped on the weight with. Three rounds. This was the most ass kicking I’ve had yet. I felt a bit nauseous after it. Blisters on my hands from the ring rows too.

So far I like the crossfit. I like the group workout and that it’s got a cutoff time. There’s no hour long workout — you workout until the clock is done or you finished early. If you didn’t finish, too bad. I also like that there are options for my out-of-shape ass to do and still get a good workout in. Also the coaches vary a lot. I’ve had 3 coaches now. For sure liked the Friday coach the best. He was super good about giving us lots of options. He also showed us the proper form for every option before the work out. And he didn’t ignore those of us who were really toned down on the scale. Even though I was only doing ring rows, he came over to correct my form. The Wednesday coach was far less interested in those of us doing the low scaled options. Like, in the zercher carry, I just couldn’t hold my arms at 90 degrees by the end. She didn’t even try to encourage me to try to get them up. Not on any of my 3 carries.

I still wouldn’t go by myself. There’s just so many attractive women who are perfectly in shape. I feel like a mean girls high-school thing is gonna happen. Logically, I know it won’t. But I still feel like I’m just invading these peoples space. A few of the “regular” girls introduced themselves to me and were super nice. One of them was there for both Wednesday and Friday and she was really intimidating in the looks department, but I liked that she refused to even try a rope climb or a pull up LOL. I’m with you, hot chick. None of the super buffs have said hi yet. I feel like the super body-builder type women are looking down on me. It’s most likely totally not true, but I’m self conscious. Even though I really don’t find their body builder build aesthetically attractive, they scare me. I’m very attuned to the possibility of being made fun of.

So three weeks down. I’m going to try Sunday, Wednesday, Friday this week and Monday, Wednesday, Friday next week. I’ll settle on one of those.

Tubing!

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I finally got to go tubing! It was just as awesome as I expected it to be. We had 7 people linked in a circle, so steering to avoid obstacles like hanging tree limbs was a thing. We had loads of fun though.

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I found a great deal on the mesh-bottomed River Run tubes at academy. 100% recommend the mesh bottomed “River Run” tubes. I’ve used them before at the lake at Mr C’s Aunt L’s house on the lake. So I knew they were exactly what we wanted. So I spread it around the group and we all had the same tubes. Why does that matter? Because they all interlock. So we were able to lock together in a big floating circle and chill out and easily chat.

A few things we learned: Tips on tubing, you could say: or for SEO optimization: how to prepare for tubing, tubing tips:

  1. The bigger the group tied together is, the harder it is to get that snaky circle to avoid obstacles like trees and water weeds. It’s easy to move one person. Not so easy to move seven.
  2. The double floats suck. Two friends went with the double float. It was pretty cool because it had a cooler in the middle. That’s where the pluses end though. They were too high out of the water to help steer. Also, carrying that thing was a beast. Two people walking in tandem like you’re moving a couch. Also didn’t fit on the shuttle, had to go in a pick-up truck. And while all the singles stack up nicely for lunch and shuttle rides, that behemoth is taking up a lot of space. Would not recommend.
  3. Grilling food is delicious, but unpredictable (it was a windy day) and takes a lot of time. Time you could have spent on the water. Next time we will brown bag it.
  4. I thought this was obvious, but you need strappy shoes or water shoes that are gonna stay on your feet when you’re walking through a muddy creek bed. Flip-flops and slip-ons aren’t gonna cut it. That said, prepare to have shoe tan lines.
  5. Bring the sunscreen with you on the tubes. We sun-screened up so much before each float, and still got major sun.
  6. Wear a hat. Hats protect your face from the sun.
  7. A water proof phone bag is a must. Even if you don’t use it for your phone, your car key fob probably doesn’t wanna get wet.
  8. If you don’t plan to pay to get your tube inflated, for fucks sake — make sure you have the right attachments to blow it up with your pump. These river run tubes have the awesome fast release valves — which is great, but requires the appropriate fitting for inflation. However, the back rest requires a regular pool float valve. Be prepared.

CrossFit Continues

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Still doing CrossFit! Mostly because other people are doing it with me and I invested too much money to bail. But hey, I’m doing it. I’ve got my 4th and last one-on-one with the trainer in 45 minutes. It’s been interesting. Some things I’m better than I expected to be but most things I’m just so not capable. Like if we just had to do stretches — WINNING! Bitches I can get lower than all yall, apparently. Other things, not so much. I can’t jump rope. I can’t even do step thrus! It keeps getting caught on my shoe. God, I’m so inept!

It’s so embarrassing. And of course you’re surrounded by the fittest of the fit going about their shit and I just feel in the way. I have, however, come to accept that I just sweat like aint nobodys business. But so does everyone else. Cause these people are hard core. Tuesday, one of those guys should have just been in a wet tshirt contest.

So Wednesday will be my first general-populace-workout. Lord, that’s gonna be a shit show for sure. How far down can we scale these workouts? Like I mean real low. Box jumps, I’m doing step ups. My step up is 12 inches. My workout buddy’s box jump is 24 inches. Holy shit! Girl can jump. I can’t even jump rope! Can we just stick to stretches and warm-ups where I don’t feel foolish? Please? I feel like a dumpster fire.

Speaking of dumpster fires, it’s 96 degrees today. Yeah, lets go work out in that! Not like heat stroke is a thing! Lord help me.

CrossFit

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So how on Earth is my lazy ass doing CrossFit?  I’ve never even been in any gym. Ever.

Well, it started at work.  K2 is a CrossFit evangelist.  When she moved here, she started at this gym.  She met her significant other there.  She’s all about that lifestyle.  She even just bought a house from a fellow member.  So K2 convinced K3 to sign on for onboarding (They’re both coworkers). I thought the onboarding sounded really interesting because it’s four one-on-one sessions with a personal trainer/coach teaching you how to do everything and use all the equipment. So even if I didn’t continue CrossFit, knowing the proper form and techniques and stuff would be worth it no matter what.

But then to do the onboarding, apparently you also have to sign up for a month of membership. And holy shit, CrossFit is an INVESTMENT. So K2 goes every day and K3’s doing it with me so they promised I’d never have to work out alone if I committed so OK, I’ll give it August.

Our first onboarding class was Monday.  It took about two hours.  But hold on. It would have been one if it was just one of us.  However we wanted to do it together.  So we had one coach teaching us both so taking turns back and forth with each lesson item.  So we didn’t work out for that full 2 hours.  Half the time we were watching the other.  I loved learning all the different techniques and how to scale them to stuff I can actually DO. ‘Cause you know I aint doing a pull up! We learned burpees (nope), sit ups, kettle balls (American and Russian style), air squats, ring rows (which is sort of a pull-up learner), incline push ups (loved these compared the real push ups) jumping pull ups (I only needed four risers), dead lifts and who knows what else.  Then our actual workout was walk/run, air squats (mine with a 20 inch box), incline pushups, and ring rows.    

I felt great about everything except the running.  Holy shit I am SO BAD at running.  I can walk faster than I run and I’m not even sure how that’s humanly possible, but it is.  I also learned that I might as well just jump in the pool after my workout because I sweat more than I ever would have imagined.  Also, for $300, I think I deserve an air conditioned gym.  But yeah, it might as well have been raining on me I was dripping so much.  And even the next morning, my pile of workout clothes was still a sopping wet mess.  It was embarrassing.  Very much so.  

So I’m not to the point where I’d go alone.  However, thankfully, I don’t have to!  K3 really had to work to get me in the car after work to go.  Right up until I committed that payment I was really second guessing so hard.  Of course now that I’ve paid, I’m not wasting all that money.  I’m apparently in this now until August 11th at least. 

Also, as you know, I’ve got an upcoming appointment with a plastic surgeon to see about finally getting my arms shaped up to normal and my stomach straightened out. So I really think I’ll continue this up to my surgery date (If I get one, of course) because the more muscle I have, the better the outcome will be.

And hell, by the time I’ve been doing it that long, I might be drinking the Kool Aid too.