Category: Family

“Friends”

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I don’t have a huge network of friends. And of those I do, I only count a handful as close, dependable, REAL friends. The people you can count on to be there in an emergency. The people who I trust. The people I am equally loyal to. I count loyalty as a prime virtue. I may have a slightly skewed sort of ethics, but I have strong morals and loyalty to your peeps is one of the top tenets. Perhaps I take it too seriously.

Do you really need the type of friendships who would keep your darkest secrets and perhaps help you bury a body? Probably not. But I just don’t have enough emotional capacity to give myself fully to someone only to find I was nothing to them. I like to think I’m a good friend. If I give you my loyalty and love, I like to think it’s worth something. I don’t half ass friendships. I’d rather have 3 good people than a hundred colleagues. Could also be because I generally really hate people.

Again, maybe I just take it too deep. But I keep my friends closer to my heart than family. Blood isn’t always thicker than water. I choose my family. So when I count someone as family and I lose them, it breaks my heart a little. To realize you mean so little to someone… It hurts.

C is one of those people. I realized this a few years ago. I’m only called upon when something is needed. When the sun is shining, I don’t exist to her. It was a hard bite to chew. But I was right. I was there for her, but she could never be there for me. I never even heard from her when my mother died. Though when her cat died, I researched the healing stones bullshit she’s into and sent her a cat carved from a stone meant to heal a broken heart. But when my heart was shattered, I didn’t even get a call.

We had her over on Wednesday. Haven’t seen her since last year. I had hoped maybe she’d notice my hair was thickening. She didn’t, but that doesn’t mean it’s not. I still hold hope. I cut it shorter in a if-you-cut-it, it-will-come kinda thing. I thought she’d comment on my new body after three plastic surgeries. She did not. My sweet husband even tried to steer the conversation that way by mentioning that I had waited to start my tattoo sleeve until my arms were done. Rather than a light bulb and her asking how it went or to look at them or see the scars or ANYTHING, it just led to a conversation about her tattoos. The whole visit was just a life dump from her. She didn’t care about what had been going on with me or Mr C. It was just two hours of her life.

I just can’t give my love to a freaking black hole. She only takes. C’est la vie.

Some Things 5/8

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1) How do people walk around using cracked phones? Friday I cracked the gorilla glass protector on my phone and it’s driving me insane. I ordered a new glass cover that will be here tomorrow but good lord it’s driving me crazy. How do yall put up with this shit? I’ve seen people using cracked phones for weeks. Fuck that, I’d be upgrading LOL

2) How do people with nipple piercings hide them? Since my breast lift, I’ve had a problem with pointy nipples. I sought help on the internet. How do you hide your pointy nipples? A lot of people use these silicone pasties, but I don’t want anything with adhesive since it gives me reactions sometimes. Someone suggested cotton balls – but like, really? I saw some makeup cotton pads in Ks guest bathroom and think I might try those. Turns out the only people who replied with nipple piercings just show them off loud and proud. Interesting.

3) I’ve been watching Sorted Food for the past few weeks/months. It’s a youtube food channel (linky). They’re doing a live viewing on the May 21st and K2’s gonna come over and we’re gonna make a day of watching them live record videos. Maybe with some pool intermissions.

4) For the love of God. I’m seeing the surgeon on Tuesday about removing my damn surgical drain. So great, right? Only today it has been draining DOUBLE. fuck you, drain! Are you kidding me? My pools gonna be open this week and I can’t even pretend to get in. And It’s not like I can just get in when the drains gone. The big hole has to heal up before I can get in. I’m going to a Memorial Day pool party with my family at my sister’s. She lets her dog swim in her pool. That shit has got to be healed solid before then! UGH. I’m honestly considering fudging the numbers.

5) Well, Mother’s Day. It hasn’t been so bad. I’ve tried to just ignore it. I sent my mother-in-law some live succulents earlier in the week so I took care of that. But I didn’t wish her a happy mother’s day today. Kinda on purpose. It just feels wrong. I wanna cancel this holiday forever.

I did plant some things in honor of mom. I put fresh sun ferns on the front porch. I planted the planter on the back stoop. It would look gorgeous if it wasn’t against the backdrop of 4 foot weeds sprouting through the pool rocks. I wonder if my boobs can handle a little weed eating? I’ll ask the doctor Tuesday.

Some Things 5/2

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1) It’s so hard to tell the difference between “I’m balding and I like naps” and hypothyroidism. Like yeah, OK, I guess you could describe me as “tired, lethargic, and losing hair.” I’m literally balding, and lazy though. So like, I don’t know. Give me more thyroid hormones. Sure, I’ll come back and let you test me again in a month. Why not?

2) Tomorrow, I have a skype interview for a configuration management (CM) position. It’s with the same company. They just really need a CM person and my software boss knows I have experience in both so she said I should apply and I could maybe do half and half. Well, as long as the pay is the same, I’m in! I’ve stayed the software route because it has higher earning potential long term. However, I’m happy with my currently salary. So if they can match it in CM, bring it on. I can do all the paperwork you bitches want. And I’m so unhappy with how uncertain I am with the job right now. I’m so out of my element. It’d be nice to have some easy wins.

3) In the past two weeks, I’ve seen my psychiatrist, my plastic surgeon, my primary care doctor, and my neurologist. Does it count that I had to go by Jack’s vet to get his meds today too? So much time shuffling!

4) My sister is mad at me. She wanted access to moms Facebook and it locked her out. She was accessing it through moms old phone that she never should have had access to as it belonged to me and I had specified it be given to my other sister who needed a new phone as that’s what mom would have wanted. Other sister never got the phone. Sister1 kept it and has been using it to access her Facebook and pictures and I’m sure her private messages too. So…

Facebook locked her out. So she tried to recover the password with moms email that she’s also been accessing. But gmail locked her out. So she contacted me. I’m the recovery email for all of moms accounts. Why? Because I would set shit up for her when she asked, not give her shit or half jail-broken hand-me-down-equipment, and not berate her when she forgot her passwords. (Hence the reason the phone was MY property. I bought the phone and I paid the phone bill.) Anyway, Sister1 contacts me because I’m the recovery email and she “needs” access to moms Facebook.

I wouldn’t give it to her. I say that like I’m confident about it. First, I asked Mr C- holy shit what do I do? I don’t want her to have access, she has no right. And it’s weird. And invasive. And mom died over a year ago. Then I asked K. Then I asked moms bestest best friend. All informed me that I didn’t have to give her that info. In fact, moms bestie informed me that she hoped Sister1 hadn’t read moms private messages where she often poured out her heart and frustrations about living with my sisters to her best friends in confidence.

Well… I’ll bet you a million dollars sister1 has read all of that. All the text messages. All the emails. All the Facebook messages. She’s seen my mom describe her in her worst light. And I can’t imagine the unbearable pain that must have brought her. It explains a lot though. She’s been absolutely obsessed with mom since she passed. Moms hobbies have become sister1’s obsessions. She can’t and won’t let mom go. So hearing me tell her I wouldn’t reset the accounts kinda pissed her off.

To ensure that I held to moms honor and let her accounts be silenced, I went as far as to disconnect my email from her recoveries. Her accounts are now lost to the ether. It was like saying goodbye again. Letting the flowers drift into the ocean. Google asked if I wanted to disconnect ME@gmail.com from MOM@gmail.com as this was permanent and could not be undone. Well… I cried and I clicked it. Bye momma.

Not that Sister1 would accept that I can no longer rest the accounts. She became furious and said that I should never have made my self the recovery account if I wasn’t willing to recover them. She said she needed important financial information because she’d be left to deal with all of moms accounts.

Well, what the fuck kind of financial information do you need off of Facebook? And mom died over a year ago. I told her I’d be happy to handle any of mothers personal affairs that they had not just been left to her. She could forward me any correspondence and I’d get a copy of her death certificate from brother and take care of it. No responses after that.

All of the family has been their usual radio silence. No answering the phone or text messages. Oh well.

I do feel terrible for Sister1. Realizing she probably read mom talking shit about her and how much she hated living with her. God, that’s heart breaking. But sister1 brought it on herself by invading moms privacy. And I feel terrible that sister1 has now kinda become sister2s custodian. I do feel bad about that. But again, she let sister2 move in. Sister 2 tried to get me and Mr C to take in her cats. We said fuck no. Sister1 is more codependent and took her in. And it was only supposed to be 2 months… over 2 years ago. I’m sorry sister1. I really am. but I still won’t help you violate moms privacy over and over again.

It’s a terrible situation.

Easter

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It’s Easter. This holiday is a bit sad for me. Obviously, I miss mom. I haven’t decorated for Easter since she died. That’s two Easters. She just got so into Easter. She decorated like crazy. She loved getting everyone their favorite candies. She was all about weird flavors too.

She loved the flavored M&Ms. I remember the year they had carrot cake M&Ms. She was so excited for me to try one and guess the flavor. And one year she got us all different flavors of Jelly Bellys. I got peas and carrots because I love peas and carrots. The jelly beans were fruit flavored, don’t worry, they were just shaped like peas and carrots. She mailed them to me. The day they arrived she made sure I went to the mail box. She said she’d mailed me fresh peas and carrots to cook. She actually convinced me they were gonna be real peas and carrots in my mailbox. Ha.

I miss her so much. My Easter Bunny died.

Some Things 3/29

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1) So today marks two weeks since my breast lift, augmentation, and tummy tuck revision. Tummy tuck, 100% fine. Breasts are extremely tender and achy. Especially if I let myself get cold (which I prefer to do because I’m hot natured). If I get cold, it’s game over – the boobs doth protest. Also I still get a sharp pain on the right with a deep breath. Because he sewed them to my ribs. Can’t wait for that stitch to dissolve! Did not expect to still be in any kind of pain at this point. I thought the boob jobs were easy peasy!

2) I go back to work in 1.5 days. I’m dreading it with all my being. I suck at my job — or at least I feel like I do. I don’t derive any happiness from it. I just feel inadequate.

3) I tried to call my sisters and sis-in-law this morning. As usual, no one answered. They won’t return the calls either. It’s so lame. My brother would answer but he’s so busy and might be at work. I just wanna keep in touch with my family. Also, I just had surgery — you don’t wanna know how I’m doing? I call LAME. Lame flag on the field.

Christmas is coming

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For those who don’t know, mom died last Christmas day. Now.

We’re putting up the Christmas decorations. I need to get everything ready before my surgery. Getting moms room done was easy. I didn’t take down her tree last year, I just shoved it in her closet. So All I did was get it out, change out the blankets and pillows and get a few more things from her closet. Easy-peasy. And I actually liked seeing it back the way she left it.

Last night we did one of the Christmas trees. The living room tree. And it sucked ass. She gave me like a third of the ornaments on there (if not more). The cat ball. The jelly fish the year I was a jelly fish for Halloween (she was so proud of that one, perfect find). Even the ones she didn’t give me, I remember showing her proudly or picking out with her. She’s always been around when we do the Christmas tree. Mostly she’s usually here as we put it up. Even if not, I’m always excited to tell her about it and for her to see it when she visits. We always go to at least one Christmas market and pick out a new ornaments each year.

The nativity wasn’t bad even though she’s given me pieces of it. She was so proud one year to give me the very coveted shepherd and camel set. I guess it wasn’t bad because she got to see it hit peak glory last year. I built a creche for it and we had a sideboard in the dining room for it. It spreads out beautifully. I’ve got it lit with LEDs. I added the beautiful mercury glass trees she gave me. I adore it. I don’t know of a more beautiful nativity that anyone else owns.

So mom saw that and that pleases me. I guess that’s why her room was the same. She knew what it looked like. She was super proud of the ribbon window swag I made her for her bedroom window. She told me exactly what she wanted and supervised the whole thing. I only added one thing: A beautiful cardinal that I know she would have loved.

There’s two more important boxes to go grab and decorate with. One of them being breakables and one being soft things. Soft things like Christmas stockings. Like moms Christmas stocking. What the fuck do I do with her Christmas stocking?

I’d lay it on her bed, but my sister-in-law will be staying in there while I recuperate from surgery and she’s very emotional. But I don’t want to just leave it boxed up. I don’t want her to be gone. She can’t be gone.

*Tears up* So it’s just been easier to lay here on the couch and not go get that box.

Normal

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So my dad called last night to talk to me about my upcoming surgery. I’m pretty surprised he remembered I was having surgery, but still. He thinks it’s too much surgery. He also keeps referring to when I had gastric bypass and gained my weight back as “before.” As in, “that’s what bothered you so much before.” “Maybe if you had this last time you wouldn’t have gained the weight back.” Which is irritating because he doesn’t know me. He’s never known me. Then I realized later that he probably “knew” me through facebook. So ok pass. I still don’t like it though. It’s cringey.

Any who, he thinks I’m doing too much. Like I would ever take this guy’s advice. Even if it is too much, I won’t admit it out of spite now. (To family, that is. I’d tell yall if I done fucked up LOL). That’s how I roll with assholes. He also asked me if it would make me look “normal.” I had no idea how to take that so I just said “naw, I’m still gonna be fat.”

“Normal.” Ugh this bugged me. My family has always been on me to wear makeup and do my hair and look “better.” Mom, bless her soul, did too. Why has my normal never been good enough? It got especially worse when my brother married a beautician. “Why can’t you be more like her?” My brother and my father wanted me to go all out. I’m not one to go all out. Perhaps as the men in my life, they though I’d be a spinster as ugly as I am. Well fuck you, I’m not. I’ve got a great career, I’ve been happily married for over nine years. And I’m still balding and only wear makeup for special occasions. I thought we had moved past this? “will it make you look normal?” DIE, MOTHERFUCKER.

I’m doing this for ME. Not to look “normal” for my family. I wanna feel good in my less saggy skin. And rock a sleeve tattoo. And do power cleans without hitting my belly pudge. I did 50 95lb dead lifts Wednesday. My husband thinks I’m hot. He loves my huge ass and thighs and soon he’ll love my new-and-improved boobs too. And I’ve lost a ton of weight. Oh and I make a lot of money for your shallow asses. My normal is just fine. My normal is just about ot get a hell of a lot finer.

Busy Busy Busy

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The end of this month is stacked! I hate having plans.

This past week was very stressful. I’ve been trying to get everything settled for the new job — and it is! I formally turned in my two-weeks notice on Friday. Mr C was supposed to travel so I took him to get a rental car on my way to work. They didn’t HAVE ANY and his reservation wasn’t for another two hours so he had to call me back to get him. Turns out his boss just waiting until the negative minute to tell him he no longer needed to go. Thanks, boss! My in-laws visited. It was moms first birthday after her death. And I had legal depositions.

Next week, Mr C really will be on travel — it’s a family vacation I opted out of. He leaves today. I’ve got two doctors appointments. One of those being with the plastic surgeon. And our 9 year anniversary is Wednesday. Then it’s Halloween weekend.

Mom’s birthday was pretty upsetting for most of the week. However, my sister-in-law and my brother met me halfway between our cities for lunch. We ate at an adorable cafe. And it was so funny that we all ended up getting hamburger steak. Funny because whenever Mr C was gone, shed cook me my favorite meals that Mr C doesn’t care for. Of course one of those was hamburger steak! So it was really great getting to see my brother and marking the day in remembrance of her. I was really worried about letting it just skirt by and having to entertain my in-laws. But lunch let us celebrate her and tie a bow on it so I could close out that part of the day and embrace the in-laws.

My legal deposition was Thursday. I had in office prep with the Lawyer on Monday, and again over the phone on Wednesday. It was extremely stressful. The defense is going to try to paint me as a person with mental illness faking a condition and trying to cash out. Not that the jury knows that even if I win the maximum we can sue for, I’ll only see, maybe 15k. For a cracked skull, losing a job, taking a huge set back in my career, missing months of work, and being stuck with fucking migraines I have two different medications for. Lord knows I need more medication. And lets not forget the family drama of missing the holidays for 2019 and 2020. After almost 3 hours, I felt like it went probably badly but they lawyer said I did great. Honestly, there were so many questions, I don’t even remember them.

So now the lawyer says it depends on my neurologist’s deposition this coming week. Will he paint me as someone with mental illness, or as someone with a real condition?

Cheers to my last two weeks on the job! New job start date is November 8th 🙂

Attack of the Anxieties

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I’ve been known to have anxiety and panic attacks. I take medication for it. Valium, to be specific. One of my friends was amazed at how much valium I take, but I used to be agoraphobic, okay? I’m basically brought to you by psychiatric drugs.

Anyway, today I had a total anxiety attack. It started at work and I knew it was coming on hard so I peaced the fuck out. I teared up a bit in the car and came home to give my sweet husband the hug I needed. He asked what was wrong and I was like I just needed to hug you and the cat. And when I started blabbering the huge amalgamation of what was wrong, one thing stood out more than the rest: mom.

Last night we discussed Mr C’s work trip coming up. Well, mom always visited when Mr C went on work trips. Mom always felt like she was going to be a burden so she was insanely careful not to step on toes. However, when Mr C went away for work, she knew she would be doing me a favor by visiting. I get to spend time with her, she cooks me delicious dinners that Mr C doesn’t like (hello, meatloaf and hamburger steak and canned corned beef sandwiches), and there’s no way she could be bothering Mr C. So she always came up for his work trips. And he’s going on a work trip. And moms not coming.

Of course, Mr C told his sobbing wife that he could cancel. However, him going on a trip isn’t a problem. And of course I could ask a friend (especially K) to come stay with me — but it’s not about having to stay by myself. It’s not him being gone or me being lonely, it’s mom not being here. He’s going to go away and It’ll just be… me. Without momma. We always loved hanging out together when it was just us. Like a little vacation. No more mom. No more little vacations while Mr C is gone. No more momma.

And to make things even more awkward — the day Mr C comes back is the day his parents will be coming to spend the night — on my sweet mommas birthday. Her first birthday when she’s not here. And when I feel like I should be mourning not having my mom — or maybe making a special treat in honor of mom (hello pumpkin cream cheese muffins), I’m going to be celebrating my in laws. It’s going to feel a bit blasphemous. So is Christmas. Christmas in any form will feel blasphemous. She died on Christmas Day. This year is Christmas with the in laws. Ugh. But at some point I’m going to have to suck it up and embrace Christmas again. Just wish it wouldn’t be so soon. Mom LOVED some holidays. So not going all out for the holidays would be a disgrace to her memory.

That said, I did put up Norbert the dragon for Halloween, but I won’t be decorating the inside. I just don’t feel it. I doubt I’ll feel Christmas either.

*sigh* (again, I actually took a deep sign before I typed that).

I do have a lot of anxieties going on right now. Everything running the gauntlet of petty: what if I can’t take the pain of my tattoo and I wuss out? To what if I can’t take the stomach surgery? What if it gets infected or I get botched or I DIE? I’m interviewing for new jobs — two interviews this week. Mr C’s in a hole of despair hating his own job. Work sucks, obviously, for both of us. The lawsuit from my injury is finally coming up and we calculated that if we win the MAXIMUM we can ask, we won’t make enough to cover one of the plastic surgeries — much less a small fraction of what I lost in wages. Not even the gap in the pay cut I took for this new contract. We are not making it out well, and that’s if we win the max. Thank God the lawyer only gets paid by how much we win. And I’ve got a house guest. So I’m anxious about is the house clean enough — does the bedding smell bad? Am I too in her face? I don’t wanna be invasive.

Oh and one of the new friends that had best friend potential — yeah turns out not so much. She supports some things I just can’t look past. I’m so damn judgemental. This is why I only have three true friend peeps.

Anyway, I got out before I cried at work. I came home and hugged my sweetie (the husband, not the cat) and bawled about mom — or more accurately, the lack of mom. Then I took a nap with my cat. Now I’m cathartically writing it all out. Then I’m going to the circus. Yep. But the people kind, not the animal kind. Cheers!

Dear Mom,

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This photo was in my memories yesterday. Just one year ago. Wow. How could it just be one year? Look at my innocent little self. We have pool hair because it wasn’t so cool last year. We were painting modpodge pumpkins from a coloring book. One of us found the coloring book and I cut them out and stuck them on canvases for us to paint. The other canvases are still leaning against the wall behind the curtain where you put them. Look at us just having fun doing nonsense. And I was fresh and new in my job so I didn’t realize what a shit show it was yet! Ah, innocence.

It seems like years ago. Has the world turned over so much in just a single year? Nay, just 9 months. Damn.

I can’t stop looking at this photo. Just a year ago… Man I miss you. I put up Norbert yesterday and I couldn’t quite figure out where to put him just right. Last year we argued that I wanted him closer to the road and you wanted him closer to the house. So of course he had to go exactly where you said he should go again this year. But where was it exactly? A little more that way? It was a struggle. Today I found the Casper the Ghost Halloween mask you sewed me. Heh. It some how was in my normal non-holiday mask pile that I just washed and ironed.

I miss you so much.

There’s so much to tell you! Isn’t this weather crazy? So cool. I hope we have a long Fall. I got an appointment to get my goomba tattoo! You knew I wanted a sleeve but you didn’t know about the goomba. I know you’re not a fan of tattoos, But I also know you’d have blessed the goomba. I can just hear you saying that its so ME. It is, isn’t it? I’m super excited. Wish you could come along and you and K could take a picture of me getting it and then explore Nashville while they finish it up.

We’re gonna consult about the sleeve I want too. I really want Megan Massacre to do the portrait part and then have Devon Greig do the whole rest of the sleeve. They’re both amazing with color – I did my research. Jack is the center piece. Of course. My precious Jack. You didn’t know it, but he’s in stage 3 or 4 kidney failure. Terminal diagnosis, not reversible. Sucks. I feel like if you were here, it wouldn’t be so upsetting losing him. After you died I just couldn’t handle the thought of losing my precious so I actually took him to the vet. I know! He hated it! And it cost like $600. I know! But I had them run him for everything to make sure he was solid. Well, he’s not solid.

Hey while I’m typing this, someone not part of the family, is giving sis1 shit for posting about Covid vaccines. Apparently, we know this person who thinks it’s romantic that their BF came to take care of them with Covid and now they’re in the hospital holding hands and getting treatment together. How romantic! Fucking dumbasses. No one takes this shit seriously and it’s so infuriating. Yeah it only kills a few people. Like you. It killed you. The only death out of the — how many are we up to? $600k yet? Yeah but you.

I get so mad at these anti-vaxxer morons. You’d tell me to shut up. I’m over here stirring the pot and you’d certainly call me and tell me to stop. But you know what, CODA and my therapist tell me that it’s not my responsibility how people hear what I say and how they choose to respond.

Anyway, there’s a whole shit pile of bad I could catch you up on. I mean the world’s gone to shit, Mom! Like absolute shit show dumpster fire over here. But there’s so much good on the horizon that I wish I could talk to you about!

Like the tattoo, so exciting. When better than when I’m coming up on 40? Oh oh oh oh — OH MY GOD. You don’t know WHY I’m finally getting my tattoos! Mom, I’m getting my arms fixed! Mr. C’s totally cool with it. I’m taking all of December off because I’m having my stomach and arms done! It’s going to be amazing. I don’t know how I’ll do it without you here, but I’ll do it. You’d be so excited for me. I’m sure you’d talk down all my worries. Because this is something I’ve wished for and worked so hard for.

And I’m doing CODA every Monday and crossfit three time a week! Can you believe it? I know you can. You’d tell me as you’ve told me before. When I want something, I go at it and I get it. As far as the surgery, I can see you telling me I’m prepared for everything. Like when I surprised you with a shit ton of Aldi bags. Or not surprised you, because as you said then — you know I prepare for everything. Though you still doubt me sometimes. Like you’d have 100% supported me taking today off over my hurting knee. You’d tell me I’m going too hard. But dude, crossfits expensive. I can’t pay that much and not get my moneys worth. And the more fit I am, the better I’ll recover from surgery 🙂 Just two more months.

Miss you, Momma. More than you can imagine.