Tag: cursing cats

Mr C’s favorite dessert is Chocolate Mousse. Not some simple chocolate mousse you can buy. No, you gotta go French chef on that shit. You gotta use ALL your mixing bowls on that shit. And most importantly: the “chocolate wafer cookies” must be Oreos with the cream scraped out. Why? Because he was raised with someone willing to make shit like this, that’s why. You’ll scrape the cream out of those Oreos for love. Exactly once a year only. Because fuck that.

Now, the first and most important step of this recipe is to let everyone know that the Oreos are not to be eaten. Oh ha ha, you think I’m joking or rambling for SEOptimization? No, I haven’t got a single search engine hit on this blog yet. I’m fucking serious. You let EVERYONE know not to eat the fucking Oreos. You know why? Because if you don’t, then when your guest wants a midnight snack, they’re gonna see Oreos left out on the counter and be like “awesome, Oreos.” They’ll eat a tasteful five or so, because they’re just a guest. But then the next morning everyone will see the Oreos are open on the counter and eat those sons of bitches because Oreos and milk, am I right?

Then the next morning, when your guest wakes up after you cheerily told them to make themselves at home the previous night. They’ll find out that they are in trouble for eating the Oreos. They’ll be horrified that literally everyone staying in the house knows they ate the Oreos because their future Mother In Law already raged and accused each of them individually of eating the Oreos that your fat ass ate. Your future husband will be like “we’ll get more later” because he doesn’t realize his mother be crazy. And she will then proceed to get very angry and insist that he go get the Oreos now. And they’ll have a fucking argument about it. An argument that ends with your fat ass riding along with your future husband to get more Oreos when you haven’t even had breakfast. You’ll be mortified for days because this is your first impression on your future family. That you’re fat and ate the Oreos.

Step two: Scrape the cream out of the Oreos. Don’t try to cheat and use some chocolate cookies without cream in them or some off-brand. Everyone knows what Oreos taste like and your ass will be called out. They must be Oreos. I used to be super picky about making sure I got ALL the cream off, but it’s not bad to leave a bit here and there. I just slide the cookies apart and scrape off the side that got the major chunk of the cream. Sit down with the TV on or someone on speaker phone and use a butter knife to start scraping. You’ll get in the groove. It’s cool. You only have to do this once a year.

Optional Step three: Make an Oreo cream snowman for your cat. It’s cute and funny. Don’t let him eat too much though, because diabetes is real. Like just a few licks for the funnies.

Step four: Get out all of your mixing bowls. Fucking all of them. Embrace that this dessert is a huge pain in your ass and you’re gonna be cleaning a lot of bowls. One of these bowls will need to be heat proof (like pyrex, for instance). You’ll also need a pot that is smaller than the heatproof bowl. You know what those last two things make? A double boiler. Yeah. The first time I made this shit I actually borrowed a double boiler. You don’t need to own a double boiler because it’s just a heat proof bowl over simmering water. You can make that with what you already own.

Step five: follow the recipe. Oh wait I’m kidding! The recipe doesn’t include half the shit you actually need to know to follow it. That’s because everyone who has made it over the years learned important things and tid bits that aren’t included in the recipe your now official Mother In Law emails you. Don’t worry fam, I’m here for you. I’ve made this shit over a dozen times now.

Shit you should know:

• When heating up chocolate, use a double boiler. I already told you how to make your own. Now, you DON’T want to overheat the chocolate. You want to the chocolate to keep its “temper” That’s what makes it pretty and shiny and gives it a nice clean snap and perfect texture. It’s important in recipes too. So chocolate loses its temper around 110 degrees. So get it up to the 95 the recipe requires, but don’t let that shit go above 110. You don’t need to keep it over the heat until it’s all melted. The bowl holds in heat so once most of it is melted, pull it off and just stir until it all melts. This way you avoid over heating.
• You seized the chocolate, didn’t you? It happens. I did it once. It’s not a loss! Add small amounts of cream while heating it to break down the fat molecules and bring that shit back together. Fat dissolves fat. Cream is fat. Thank you, Alton Brown. You probably already whipped the cream anyway, just spoon in a small bit of it and stir over heat until you get it back. Don’t worry about diluting the chocolate, whatever cream you use here, just subtract it from the whipped cream you’ll be mixing in. Just use small amounts until you have just enough to bring it back together. Your husband won’t notice, promise. You lost the temper, but you’ll do better next time.
• When I’m separating the egg whites, I go ahead and blend the whole eggs, egg yolks, Kahlua and instant coffee so they can sit while I’m making everything else so the instant coffee can fully dissolve.  I do this in the big bowl everything will get folded into in the end.  Then temper it with the melted chocolate and add the chocolate to that.  I’ve seen some recipes where the coffee and liquor is added in while the chocolate is melting. Either way, I don’t like to wait until everything is coming together to add the coffee (as the recipe calls for) — it doesn’t dissolve all the way. 
• Not a tip, but invest in an egg separator. It’s worth it. You’ll use it lots. Mine is an anthropomorphic egg. It’s kinda morbid if you think about it.
• The recipe isn’t specific about what type of chocolate to use. I go semisweet.
• When I’m separating the eggs, I actually separate one more egg white out. (The recipe calls for 2 eggs to be left whole, I separate one of those). This means I haven’t altered how many eggs or egg whites go into the recipe. However, now I can mix it a lot more without worrying about losing the airiness of the whites. If you don’t mix it thoroughly, you’ll see white bits when you cut it. It doesn’t throw off the taste but come on, presentation is important when you work this hard.
• Cream whips faster when it’s cold. Really cold. Tip: put a metal bowl and the beaters in the freezer before hand. Whip the cream in that.
• I have never made the topping nor have I seen anyone else make it. It’s totally unnecessary. I’m just copy/pasting the recipe so you have it if you want it.