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Busy Busy Busy

Posted on October 24, 2021 | by cursingcats.com | Leave a Comment

The end of this month is stacked! I hate having plans.

This past week was very stressful. I’ve been trying to get everything settled for the new job — and it is! I formally turned in my two-weeks notice on Friday. Mr C was supposed to travel so I took him to get a rental car on my way to work. They didn’t HAVE ANY and his reservation wasn’t for another two hours so he had to call me back to get him. Turns out his boss just waiting until the negative minute to tell him he no longer needed to go. Thanks, boss! My in-laws visited. It was moms first birthday after her death. And I had legal depositions.

Next week, Mr C really will be on travel — it’s a family vacation I opted out of. He leaves today. I’ve got two doctors appointments. One of those being with the plastic surgeon. And our 9 year anniversary is Wednesday. Then it’s Halloween weekend.

Mom’s birthday was pretty upsetting for most of the week. However, my sister-in-law and my brother met me halfway between our cities for lunch. We ate at an adorable cafe. And it was so funny that we all ended up getting hamburger steak. Funny because whenever Mr C was gone, shed cook me my favorite meals that Mr C doesn’t care for. Of course one of those was hamburger steak! So it was really great getting to see my brother and marking the day in remembrance of her. I was really worried about letting it just skirt by and having to entertain my in-laws. But lunch let us celebrate her and tie a bow on it so I could close out that part of the day and embrace the in-laws.

My legal deposition was Thursday. I had in office prep with the Lawyer on Monday, and again over the phone on Wednesday. It was extremely stressful. The defense is going to try to paint me as a person with mental illness faking a condition and trying to cash out. Not that the jury knows that even if I win the maximum we can sue for, I’ll only see, maybe 15k. For a cracked skull, losing a job, taking a huge set back in my career, missing months of work, and being stuck with fucking migraines I have two different medications for. Lord knows I need more medication. And lets not forget the family drama of missing the holidays for 2019 and 2020. After almost 3 hours, I felt like it went probably badly but they lawyer said I did great. Honestly, there were so many questions, I don’t even remember them.

So now the lawyer says it depends on my neurologist’s deposition this coming week. Will he paint me as someone with mental illness, or as someone with a real condition?

Cheers to my last two weeks on the job! New job start date is November 8th 🙂

A Good Decision

Posted on October 14, 2021 | by cursingcats.com | 1 Comment

I want to remember that I’m making a good decision. There will come times when I think I’ve made a bad one, but it’s a good one. I need to remember that after over a year on the job, DeBitch still rolls her eyes when I talk and talks about me behind my back. I need to remember how out of touch my boss is. I need to remember how toxic my lead was. And how even though my new lead is my fabulous friend – that our friendship probably can’t survive her being my lead too. I need to remember that my team thinks I’m lazy (I am, true) and would rather have someone else. I need to remember the gigantic pay cut I took with this job and how much of a financial loss it was staying underpaid for an entire year. I need to remember that the friend I stayed for already moved on. I need to remember companies aint loyal.

I need to remember that accepting this job is an excellent move.

Yep. Yesterday, I formally accepted a new position. I’ll be back up to my old salary and being Mr C’s sugar momma again. He’s very excited. I’ll be happier. I’ll have better boundaries with my new friend. I’ll have a new start. I’ll be on a program that actually pertains to my interests. And I’ll be rid of these toxic bitches I’ve put up with for way too long. No start date yet. Gotta get all the paperwork situated just right before that. But hoping for November 8th. Hoping to put in my two weeks ASAP. In fact, I’m about to go pee in a cup because that’s the very last thing I need to do.

Just “Average”

Posted on October 11, 2021 | by cursingcats.com | Leave a Comment

Man, what a rollercoaster! Mondays, am I right? Like a shovel to the face.

My workday started out average. I’m actually finishing up one chunk of work and moving on to another. So, yay. Always good to close something out. Then I had a follow up job interview at 1:00. As in, a follow up to Friday’s interview. So great news, I’m getting offered the job! A verbal offer was made and a written one should be on the way. Nice. Nice. Day’s looking up! I told them I’d be out for December on medical leave so we settled on January as a possible start date. No official offer yet and no official acceptance yet. So riding high on that was nice.

Then a few hours later, I see that my boss called me to his office when I was doing the interview. Okay, whatever. So after a little juggling to find him when he’s actually in his office, I go see him. He wants to talk about team dynamics. So we talk about team dynamics. DeBitch hates my guts. He comments that I don’t speak much in meetings. Yeah well, DeBitch is gonna either shoot me down or talk about me behind my back so I’ve learned to just shut the fuck up. I really don’t like my job and it’s just a paycheck. I’ve been riding on waiting for the next contract since the job started.

He asks about the fact that our team had been seen as the most cohesive – which is bullshit, it NEVER was. So he asks if I came into it this way. Hell yes it was already broken before I got here. DeBitch hated E too and that’s one reason she wanted to bail – and she did bail. And T is apparently for Toxic. Everyone talks about everyone behind their backs. DeBitch hates a third of the team and all of the team hates T. T also happens to be the LEAD. There’s never any positive feedback or pats on the back. It just sucks. Sorry you’re so out of touch as management that you didn’t realize that. You’re part of the problem. Congrats!

Anyway, so then he wants to talk to me about what the team thinks of me. Apparently, I’m on my phone too much. That one is pretty weird. I do pop out to my phone during lunch because everyones crunching and I can’t take that noise, so I duck out to text Mr C and dink around. But it’s lunch, I should be able to do that. I also duck out a lot for medical-related calls or my lawyer. I work in a closed lab, so we have to leave the lab to use our phones. And unlike some other cubicle assholes, I don’t like to talk on the phone in the cube farm and disturb 20 people around me with my business. In fact, I never use my cube phone. Unlike DeBitch and Dwarf – both of which I know WAY TOO MUCH about thanks to their phone calls. WAY TOO MUCH.

So I don’t participate enough and I talk on my phone too much. Apparently, I’m also just an “average” worker. He wants to know if I’m ok with just being average. Fuck yeah I am. Listen, everyone doesn’t get to be above average – yall don’t know how fucking math works. Work is just a paycheck – it’s not my life. I’m not gonna bust my chops for a job I hate, where I’m hated, which pays 20k less than my last job. Average is excellent. He even asks if I see my job as “just a paycheck.” Isn’t that most jobs? Even all jobs for some of us? You think I’d be here if it weren’t for the paycheck? Fuck no I wouldn’t. I mostly kept calm and polite and quiet. Then I went to wash my lunch bowl out and ponder how pissed
I was about this conversation. So I went back and told him I’m not gonna speak up in a meeting when DeBitch is just gonna talk about me later. It aint that deep for me. And if the team doesn’t think I’m good enough, then feel free to put me on a new one. I like most of my team, but I won’t be upset if I’m traded. Trade my ass.

And I’d love to talk to K2 about this. But K2 is also my new lead and honestly, I can’t tell if anything we talk about inside or outside of work is as a friend or as a lead now. She knows I hate my job and am actively looking for a new one. But boss man says multiple team members had these opinions of me. So is she one of them? Should I tell her I got a new job coming? It really sucks because I adore her, but when she asks how I’m feeling is it because she cares or because I’m not working fast enough?

It sounds like I’m being extra because she’s my friend, right? Well, earlier in the year when I was falling apart over moms death she came to me to help me get along on my work. I thought she was just a sweetheart, but no – she was directed to by douchebag T who couldn’t talk to me himself.

I’m codependent, yall. I always think people only like me as long as they can get something out of me. And she did kind of desperately need a hand earlier and of course I offered because I adore her and would totally be best buddies. And we’re gym buddies, I guess, and we work together, so who’s to say it’s a real friendship at all and not just of convenience and colocation?

I need the new job now just so I can figure out my fucking friendships. Jesus, I’m so confused right now.

I live in “Office Space.” My boss literally asked me if I’m “okay with being average.” If you want me to wear more flair, Stan, raise the minimum flair!

Attack of the Anxieties

Posted on October 7, 2021 | by cursingcats.com | 1 Comment

I’ve been known to have anxiety and panic attacks. I take medication for it. Valium, to be specific. One of my friends was amazed at how much valium I take, but I used to be agoraphobic, okay? I’m basically brought to you by psychiatric drugs.

Anyway, today I had a total anxiety attack. It started at work and I knew it was coming on hard so I peaced the fuck out. I teared up a bit in the car and came home to give my sweet husband the hug I needed. He asked what was wrong and I was like I just needed to hug you and the cat. And when I started blabbering the huge amalgamation of what was wrong, one thing stood out more than the rest: mom.

Last night we discussed Mr C’s work trip coming up. Well, mom always visited when Mr C went on work trips. Mom always felt like she was going to be a burden so she was insanely careful not to step on toes. However, when Mr C went away for work, she knew she would be doing me a favor by visiting. I get to spend time with her, she cooks me delicious dinners that Mr C doesn’t like (hello, meatloaf and hamburger steak and canned corned beef sandwiches), and there’s no way she could be bothering Mr C. So she always came up for his work trips. And he’s going on a work trip. And moms not coming.

Of course, Mr C told his sobbing wife that he could cancel. However, him going on a trip isn’t a problem. And of course I could ask a friend (especially K) to come stay with me — but it’s not about having to stay by myself. It’s not him being gone or me being lonely, it’s mom not being here. He’s going to go away and It’ll just be… me. Without momma. We always loved hanging out together when it was just us. Like a little vacation. No more mom. No more little vacations while Mr C is gone. No more momma.

And to make things even more awkward — the day Mr C comes back is the day his parents will be coming to spend the night — on my sweet mommas birthday. Her first birthday when she’s not here. And when I feel like I should be mourning not having my mom — or maybe making a special treat in honor of mom (hello pumpkin cream cheese muffins), I’m going to be celebrating my in laws. It’s going to feel a bit blasphemous. So is Christmas. Christmas in any form will feel blasphemous. She died on Christmas Day. This year is Christmas with the in laws. Ugh. But at some point I’m going to have to suck it up and embrace Christmas again. Just wish it wouldn’t be so soon. Mom LOVED some holidays. So not going all out for the holidays would be a disgrace to her memory.

That said, I did put up Norbert the dragon for Halloween, but I won’t be decorating the inside. I just don’t feel it. I doubt I’ll feel Christmas either.

*sigh* (again, I actually took a deep sign before I typed that).

I do have a lot of anxieties going on right now. Everything running the gauntlet of petty: what if I can’t take the pain of my tattoo and I wuss out? To what if I can’t take the stomach surgery? What if it gets infected or I get botched or I DIE? I’m interviewing for new jobs — two interviews this week. Mr C’s in a hole of despair hating his own job. Work sucks, obviously, for both of us. The lawsuit from my injury is finally coming up and we calculated that if we win the MAXIMUM we can ask, we won’t make enough to cover one of the plastic surgeries — much less a small fraction of what I lost in wages. Not even the gap in the pay cut I took for this new contract. We are not making it out well, and that’s if we win the max. Thank God the lawyer only gets paid by how much we win. And I’ve got a house guest. So I’m anxious about is the house clean enough — does the bedding smell bad? Am I too in her face? I don’t wanna be invasive.

Oh and one of the new friends that had best friend potential — yeah turns out not so much. She supports some things I just can’t look past. I’m so damn judgemental. This is why I only have three true friend peeps.

Anyway, I got out before I cried at work. I came home and hugged my sweetie (the husband, not the cat) and bawled about mom — or more accurately, the lack of mom. Then I took a nap with my cat. Now I’m cathartically writing it all out. Then I’m going to the circus. Yep. But the people kind, not the animal kind. Cheers!

Dear Mom,

Posted on September 26, 2021 | by cursingcats.com | Leave a Comment

This photo was in my memories yesterday. Just one year ago. Wow. How could it just be one year? Look at my innocent little self. We have pool hair because it wasn’t so cool last year. We were painting modpodge pumpkins from a coloring book. One of us found the coloring book and I cut them out and stuck them on canvases for us to paint. The other canvases are still leaning against the wall behind the curtain where you put them. Look at us just having fun doing nonsense. And I was fresh and new in my job so I didn’t realize what a shit show it was yet! Ah, innocence.

It seems like years ago. Has the world turned over so much in just a single year? Nay, just 9 months. Damn.

I can’t stop looking at this photo. Just a year ago… Man I miss you. I put up Norbert yesterday and I couldn’t quite figure out where to put him just right. Last year we argued that I wanted him closer to the road and you wanted him closer to the house. So of course he had to go exactly where you said he should go again this year. But where was it exactly? A little more that way? It was a struggle. Today I found the Casper the Ghost Halloween mask you sewed me. Heh. It some how was in my normal non-holiday mask pile that I just washed and ironed.

I miss you so much.

There’s so much to tell you! Isn’t this weather crazy? So cool. I hope we have a long Fall. I got an appointment to get my goomba tattoo! You knew I wanted a sleeve but you didn’t know about the goomba. I know you’re not a fan of tattoos, But I also know you’d have blessed the goomba. I can just hear you saying that its so ME. It is, isn’t it? I’m super excited. Wish you could come along and you and K could take a picture of me getting it and then explore Nashville while they finish it up.

We’re gonna consult about the sleeve I want too. I really want Megan Massacre to do the portrait part and then have Devon Greig do the whole rest of the sleeve. They’re both amazing with color – I did my research. Jack is the center piece. Of course. My precious Jack. You didn’t know it, but he’s in stage 3 or 4 kidney failure. Terminal diagnosis, not reversible. Sucks. I feel like if you were here, it wouldn’t be so upsetting losing him. After you died I just couldn’t handle the thought of losing my precious so I actually took him to the vet. I know! He hated it! And it cost like $600. I know! But I had them run him for everything to make sure he was solid. Well, he’s not solid.

Hey while I’m typing this, someone not part of the family, is giving sis1 shit for posting about Covid vaccines. Apparently, we know this person who thinks it’s romantic that their BF came to take care of them with Covid and now they’re in the hospital holding hands and getting treatment together. How romantic! Fucking dumbasses. No one takes this shit seriously and it’s so infuriating. Yeah it only kills a few people. Like you. It killed you. The only death out of the — how many are we up to? $600k yet? Yeah but you.

I get so mad at these anti-vaxxer morons. You’d tell me to shut up. I’m over here stirring the pot and you’d certainly call me and tell me to stop. But you know what, CODA and my therapist tell me that it’s not my responsibility how people hear what I say and how they choose to respond.

Anyway, there’s a whole shit pile of bad I could catch you up on. I mean the world’s gone to shit, Mom! Like absolute shit show dumpster fire over here. But there’s so much good on the horizon that I wish I could talk to you about!

Like the tattoo, so exciting. When better than when I’m coming up on 40? Oh oh oh oh — OH MY GOD. You don’t know WHY I’m finally getting my tattoos! Mom, I’m getting my arms fixed! Mr. C’s totally cool with it. I’m taking all of December off because I’m having my stomach and arms done! It’s going to be amazing. I don’t know how I’ll do it without you here, but I’ll do it. You’d be so excited for me. I’m sure you’d talk down all my worries. Because this is something I’ve wished for and worked so hard for.

And I’m doing CODA every Monday and crossfit three time a week! Can you believe it? I know you can. You’d tell me as you’ve told me before. When I want something, I go at it and I get it. As far as the surgery, I can see you telling me I’m prepared for everything. Like when I surprised you with a shit ton of Aldi bags. Or not surprised you, because as you said then — you know I prepare for everything. Though you still doubt me sometimes. Like you’d have 100% supported me taking today off over my hurting knee. You’d tell me I’m going too hard. But dude, crossfits expensive. I can’t pay that much and not get my moneys worth. And the more fit I am, the better I’ll recover from surgery 🙂 Just two more months.

Miss you, Momma. More than you can imagine.

Some Things 9/23

Posted on September 23, 2021 | by cursingcats.com | 1 Comment

1) It’s hard having friends at work. Are they asking why you’ve been a funk the past few days because they care or because you’re not getting enough shit done? I honestly don’t know and that bothers me.

2) This could be fixed by getting another job. This would also fix the suffering working with DeBitch has brought into my life. It’s hard working with someone who hates your guts. Real hard. So I applied for a new job today. They reached out to me so, I just replied. I’m also gonna submit my transition team paperwork that was emailed to me today as well (to transfer to a new contract with my current company). Maybe both of these coming to my email at the same time is a sign – move on.

3) Talked to my lawyer today – terrible news. We’re not going to get much money at all out of this lawsuit. We will come out making just a little over the 7k they offered to settle with me. But you know what? It’s gonna cost those fuckers like 200k for me to get it so SUCK IT BITCHES. Good thing Mr C and I weren’t counting on making money back.

I had secretly hoped it would cover my plastic surgery plus a sweet tattoo, but alas – it will not even cover one of the surgeries. *sigh* (I just want you to know, I literally sighed heavily as I typed the word “sigh”)

4) Some good news? Well, I kicked ass at Crossfit on Tuesday. I JUMP ROPED. Oh it sound so small and simple but is it? I’m 37, I can’t even remember ever jump roping and I certainly couldn’t do it 2 months ago. But I can now, bitches! I also did my knee tucks hanging from the pull up bar rather than laying on the floor. Awww yeah. Gains bitches!

Some Things 9/19

Posted on September 19, 2021 | by cursingcats.com | 1 Comment

1) Today was my twentieth crossfit workout (not including the four on-boarding classes). I have a baby bicep. I also think I could possibly jump rope. I can hop now which is better than I could before! I can lift weights, I can plank, I can squat, and I can sweat. I can sweat a lot. The other day, a fellow crossfitter though I had poured water on myself. Yeah, no that’s just sweat.

2) I have watched way too many plastic surgery “journeys” on youtube. Like a lot. Too many. I’m obsessed with knowing everything and now I feel like I know too much. In fact, now I have a bazillion questions for the doctor. I’m worried about making Christmas and my court date. I’m worried I’ll be bloated and swollen for a year. I’m getting a lot of anxiety.

Don’t worry, I’m not thinking of backing out. Nope. Imagine that crossfit hopping with my tummy. I have a sport bra for the boobs, but nothings holding that loose baggy stomach in place while I jump up and down. It hurts and I’m sure its unattractive. Thank you, no mirror rule.

I did manage to get another consultation with the doctor. But not until the end of October. Over a month away. But I feel like I want to really be comfortable with him before we proceed. And I have questions. He lists a lot of liposuction — won’t all that lipo compromise the blood supply to the new “flap”? And how much improvement are we really gonna see? Also, do I need a Fleur De Lei as opposed to the regular we talked about? I don’t want a vertical scar, but I think I may need one. Scars are not my primary concern. I’m not looking to wear a two piece bathing suit here. And when can I get back to working out? Most people say a little less than 2 months — but they’re wearing their compression garments and swelling up at 6 months and longer — so ???

3) My precious Jack had his vet visit a little over a week ago. I keep hoping with every visit that his levels will improve, but realistically, I know they won’t. Getting them to hold steady is the best we can hope for. His levels did get slightly worse — but not enough to worry the doctor. She says he may find a new “zone” and stay there. He hasn’t lost any weight so that’s excellent but I still with he’d eat more. I worry about him. I wish I could get him to eat more and drink more. But he”s not LOSING weight which is key.

Oh we are gonna nail this recovery out of spite.

Posted on September 11, 2021 | by cursingcats.com | 1 Comment

I’m starting to get a little pissed at everyone’s lack of faith in how I will recover from these surgeries (tummy tuck and arm lift). Everyone’s like “who’s going to take care of you!” — yall, I’M MARRIED. Listen, Mr C plays video games 24/7. We know yall think he’s a bum. But it’s not like he’s gonna ignore my recovery needs. He has been to my appointments with me. He knows I’ll need help getting up from the chair and going to the bathroom and that I won’t be able to pick up even the cat. We’ve discussed that he’ll have to help me with the cats medications. I’ll have to teach him how to put on my compression garments. He’s not a fucking moron. I’m not an infant, I’m still a human that can yell “hey, I have to go to the bathroom.” But my family and his have just acted like he’s useless and I’m getting fucking pissed. Even his momma was like “who’s gonna take care of you!?”

Yall, we’re gonna nail this recovery out of spite at this point. You’re not just questioning my husband at this point, you’re questioning my decision making and planning and I kinda feel like my choice of husband at this point. I’m insulted. Yes, my sister-in-law is going to come up for the first week — but that’s because I’ll be 100% helpless and Mr C will still be working from home. I don’t want to wake him up in the middle of the night and have him help me get up and walk every 2 hours because he needs to rest for work and he’s having a rough time at work right now. But that doesn’t mean we couldn’t handle this by ourselves if we had to.

My sister even suggested I recover down there (1.5 hours away). NO. You can’t even take care of yourself, what are you taking about? And yeah, having your giant untrained dog trying to jump in my OPEN WOUND LAP would be fantastic. And having to dodge her with a walker — no problem! What the fuck are yall thinking?

Listen, this is rude — but lesser people than I have had this surgery. Fucking morons that wonder if they should still be in pain 2 weeks later have had this shit done (Oh no, they just cut you in half and sewed you back together! You’re in pain? SHOCKER). People with small children have had this done. People with no support have had this done. We’ve got this.

I’m renting a medical power lift recliner that will help me stand up. I’m renting a walker. I’ll have multiple types of compression garments. I have time to prep. It’s not like I cook gourmet dinners every night. Mr C can make me some eggs or put some meatballs in the microwave for me. And we have friends who could make me some chicken if I ask.

I know it’s going to be miserable hell. I expect this. I’ve seen videos of lots of women who have video logged their journey. Some are peppy and up after 1 week, some are in hell after one week. No idea where I will fall on that spectrum. But I’m strong, yall. I’m not a pussy. I think the hardest part is going to be mental. It’s going to be me restraining myself. It’s going to be me asking for help and waiting for that help rather than just doing it myself and ripping open a stitch in the process.

I also think this crazy crossfit is going to benefit me a lot. One, my body is healing faster and faster after each workout. Two, my squats have gone from using a 24inch box, to a 16 inch bench to a 12 inch box to nothing. That leg strength will really help while my core is out of commission. I’m not even jinxing this by saying it — I got this. You have no idea how much I’ve done under the power of anger and spite alone. I got this. WE got this.

Some Things 9/9

Posted on September 9, 2021 | by cursingcats.com | Leave a Comment

1) Yesterday, I tried a Carolina Reaper flavored Jelly Belly (Link to Amazon for M). It was surprisingly delicious. It was just sweet jelly bean flavored with a lot of heat. Not as bad as a real pepper. It doesn’t have the digestive issues. Also, since I never have real sugar, it tasted extremely sweet to me. (A bag had 49 carbs, yes, but that’s still only like 1 per bean, so I was cool). I didn’t try the other flavors because of the carbs and the pack not being mine so I was just like “give me the hottest one.” There was a brief moment when the heat started to creep down my throat where I wanted to cough (I didn’t have anything to drink), but I made it. I don’t think it’s as hot as the real thing. But they’re fun. Especially because some people are total pussies.

2) Can you believe it’s September of 2021? Almost 2022 over here! I’m still stuck back in 2020.

3) My Jack Jack has a vet visit tomorrow. Wish us luck.

4) I screwed up and made pretty good friends with K3. I’ve known she was gonna move away as soon as she got a job in the place she wants so I did not intend to. But we’ve been working out twice a week, taking work breaks to walk around the building, and she’s become my pool buddy too. DAMMIT. Now she might have that job offer. I’m really really bummed about this. THIS is why I didn’t want to become friends. ARG! I’m losing my buddy 🙁