Category: House

It was a rough month, yall. You ever just get so much shit that you stop complaining about it. Like not to my husband, but like on Facebook and stuff. Cause it’s like — it not even funny at this point. I’m just getting frustrated. That was my July. But spoiler alert, I think we’re looking up for August.

OK, let me see what I’ve already posted. Wait, we got the deck in July. So it was not all bad. It got bad after that. I love my deck! Has it only been a month? We’ve gotten a lot of use out of the deck actually. When K and K2 come over, we end up snacking or drying off on the deck and there’s just so much ROOM. It’s very nice.

So July 16th, I was proud of myself for kicking ass. So yeah, maybe only the second half of July sucked. But I can tell you this is where it went down hill. I know this, because I mentioned finally getting around to addressing some laundry that had sat in the dryer for 2 weeks. I was not lying. When I wrote that post, I was freshening the clothes to get them put away. That did not happen. Those clothes did not actually get put away until last weekend. A full two weeks later. So yeah, I had laundry I washed a month ago that had not been put away. By the time I put it away last weekend, it was three full loads of laundry that needed to be refreshed in the dryer and I was fetching my underwear from the laundry room. But you know what, I got it ALL put away last weekend and it felt wonderful.

Then July 17th, we start seeing the shot show pop up. We had already addressed the salt cell for the pool. It WILL need to be replaced but we’re gonna wear that fucker out first. I ordered a small salt tester online that I can use since my readouts aren’t reliable anymore. I should test this evening, actually. So having the pool guy come out and check the salt cell meant unscrewing some PVC connections and such. PVC that’s been in full blast south side sun with no shade for 7/8 years. So, yeah, a few days later that connector gave way and the pool just gushed water in my yard until the lawn guy notified us.

I did get the pool guy out to fix that. It was about $150. He replaced the connectors and some of the PVC that he had no choice but to replace. Not all of it though, so there’s still some old shit out there. Pools running. AWESOME. I also foreshadowed my own life there by talking about adding shade “in the future” when we replace the pump. JINX, bitch! Oh, and yeah I did get that replacement battery for the security system and get it installed.

By July 20th, I had a migraine. This lasted about 2 weeks. I’m still kinda struggling with lingering small headaches at the end of the day and beginning of the day. For the most part though, it’s better. I tried Nurtec twice (you can only take it every 48 hours) and then called the neurologist. He prescribed me another rescue medication. The nurse explained insurance was going to be a bitch, so they give you a free card to get your first script while they work out prior authorizations and stuff. That’s nice! I mean it’s nice in the way that it’s a crack dealer saying the first taste is free, but I like free. Problem: the free card only works if your insurance agrees to cover the medication. Because why give you a free script if you’re never going to become a customer? See, crack dealers! My insurance wouldn’t do it because it wasn’t on my “formlary” or something. So I couldn’t even get the free first refill. Motherfuckers. The medical system and ALL insurance is fucked. It’s just fucked. That’s all I can say. Fuck, yall.

Then, the pool stopped working. Turns out the pump had gotten too stressed by running on low water and now it’s russian roulette (Fuck russia, I’m nope capitalizing it on purpose) of whether it thinks it’s overheated or not when it runs. If it thinks it’s overheated, you have to reset the breakers and hope it comes on in a good state. So it kept failing. We were going to have to replace the pump. The most expensive piece of pool equipment.

Oh wait wait — this was after a week of freak storms too. Like bad even by Alabama standards. Global Warming is really fucking us up, yall. It’s only going to get worse too. So in one of those storms, a whole-ass-tree in our front yard fell over. Yep. Just uprooted itself and laid the fuck down. And the storm continued. We have dead trees in the back, I was sure more were going to fall so I was just watching through the window. Thankfully they did not. However, that old rusted pool umbrella snapped in half, expanded in the wind and torpedoed my plants. Broke my planters feet, fucked up my coleus plants and killed half of my lavender plant.

Now since this tree didn’t fall on any “structures,” home insurance won’t cover it. I just paid for a DECK, a pool pipe repair, I’m about to buy a whole-ass pump (we’re getting to that), and don’t forget I splurged on Prime Day to get some things we needed and could save a few hundred on. So I’m broke. And there’s a god damn tree in my yard. Thankfully, my angry self got out there with a hedge trimmer and took off enough of the top that we could get down the driveway without a problem. And we don’t live in an HOA who’s gonna bitch at us about it. So I post on Facebook that I need someone to cut up a tree.

I had like 60 replies. Ton of people offering to come get it… for hundreds of dollars. One guy offered 650 and I politely told him to go fuck himself — my reply got 5 likes. What they did not understand was that I don’t want some bonded, insured, tree cutting business. I want a motivated redneck with a chainsaw. Listen, I know hiring someone without insurance is risky. But that’s why I have Homeowners insurance right? That’s what I told myself. Cause like yall, it’s already ON THE GROUND. You’re not cutting a tree DOWN, you’re just cutting it up. I called the city and they do bulk pickup as long as I cut it up myself and don’t contract the work out. Yeah sure, I’m gonna hire a friend to do it. It’s fine. Just get it to the curb.

So for days, I field just way too many people. Trying to get SOMEONE to do something about this massive clusterfuck on my lawn. And don’t forget — I’m having a 2 week migraine during all this and have already missed 2 days of work. The first two guys who came to look at it couldn’t handle the job. Then some guy on NextDoor says he’ll do it for $175. Well, that’s too low. So I told him I’d do $200 if he got the tree and cleaned up after himself and $250 if he can get the stump.

Yall, the man that showed up had a face tattoo under his eye and a very small chainsaw. One that apparently didn’t work so he left. For days. And I’m a fair person. So I gave this job out in order of people who contacted me with reasonable prices. So the fair thing to do was give this guy a chance. He had to order a part for his chainsaw. So he called 3 days later (when he said he’d have the part) and said he didn’t have the part, but he’d buy a new chainsaw. I tried to convince him not to because I had a good offer from a company who was gonna do the roots and haul away, but again, I gotta be fair. He says he has some other trimming jobs so he needs a new chainsaw anyway. Alright, stoner man, keep going. So over the course of a week, he cuts up the tree and piles it by the curb. His job was also made insanely easier by a redneck (THANK YOU) who came by and wanted free firewood. That guy took everything that had already been cut. So stoner didn’t even have to haul that heavy shit to the curb cause the Redneck took it all. I’m cool with that.

His tiny chainsaw couldn’t get the roots and trunk out of the ground though. So I gave him his $200 and God speed. So I contacted the company who offered to do the whole tree and haul it away for $150. I sent them a picture of just the stump remaining and ask how much to come get this. Motherfucker says $400. I’m just… what? The whole tree was $150, but since it’s just a stump, now its $400? Like I’m confused as to if this was a bait and switch scam I avoided or if they’re just trying to rip me off. WTF? The next quote I got was also $400.

Fuck all yall. I don’t live in an HOA so here’s my new yard decoration! Maybe I’ll paint a target on it and get some throwing axes. Or just buy an axe and wail on it when I get angry. It’s staying for now though!

So back to my pool pump problem.

The good news is, this Hayward pool equipment is easy to get parts for. You can order them yourself on Amazon. They’re like the opposite of Apple. So pool guy informs me we won’t have to buy the “wet half”, we only need to replace the half of the pump with the circuitry. So it won’t be quite as much. Awesome. Go forth and let me know how much that will cost. Bad news. In 2019, Hayward discontinued this pump. We have to buy a whole new pump. For $1800. And that’s the wholesale price the pool guy can get it for. And he feels so bad for me (plus I already paid him for all the PVC connection repairs) that he isn’t even going to charge me to go buy it and install it for me. THANK YOU POOL MAN. It was actually closer to $1750 but I rounded the check up the $1800 because if he wasn’t awesome, it would have cost a lot more than $50 to get him to even come out here, much less run an errand and install shit. Thank god for good business relationships (He’s been our pool guy go to for 7/8 years).

So yeah, had to get a new pump. Pools running again. We gotta shade this equipment like NOW. Husband doesn’t want a sunsail on the side of the house. But you know what? We can’t afford to build a structure right now so this is what’s happening. I get K and her boyfriend to come over the next weekend and we dig some 2 foot deep holes in my yard and install some 4×4 posts for sunsail anchoring. God bless reliable friends that will dig holes in your yard for you. Like, it’s invaluable. It’s just.. thank you.

A week after the concrete set up for the posts, I hung the sunsail.

Then we had a pool day and evaluated how well it was shaded. Well, since the pump is on the far edge of the pad and the sunsail is curved and not square… it was only shaded until 12:30. Fuck. We hung the sunsail as far over as we could. So we, K and I, discuss options. We need a curtain on the west side to shade it the rest of the day. OK, I order another sunsail. Now, I’m planning to get THAT up this weekend. And I am EXTREMELY proud of the plan I’ve come up with the make this thing look decent AND cover that curve fully. I’ll post pictures when it gets done.

But is the July dumpster fire than depleted my whole damn savings account over? Nope. While I was installing the sunsail, I got bit by a horsefly. I literally didn’t even know we had horseflies. I’ve encountered these bastards in Maine, but never here. And the ones in Maine are small. No, I got bit by this bastard:

The Black Horse Fly (Tabanus atratus). Yeah, it was fucking huge. And it bit me right in the middle of my tattoo thru the long-sleeved rashguard I was wearing!

“They are fast fliers despite their hefty size. Females feed on blood, and they are not averse to taking it from anything that has it. Their mouth parts cut open flesh, allowing blood to ooze out. They use a proboscis to sponge up the blood, leaving behind an open wound. These wounds can become infected, which poses a threat to livestock health. They are also very painful bites for humans. Males do not bite and do not drink blood. Males actually drink flower nectar and spend their days looking for females to mate with.”

FUCK YOU. But by that description, doesn’t it sound like the males just want a nice date to bring the chick flowers? Like that’s sweet.

So I was super anal not to scratch this thing. I can’t be messing up my tattoo. It bit me right below Jacks bowtie. Had it been anywhere else, I’d have scratched a crater out of my arm to get that thing out. It was itchier than Satans asshole. It bit me on Friday and I had a allergic reaction. By Sunday I was concerned enough to start tracking the rash to see if it was spreading:

Yep, it was still spreading. So Sunday, we have a great day with some friends (Barbie movie — loved it). I go get my groceries and I ask the pharmacist if there’s anything a doctor can give me for an allergic reaction to a bug bite or if I just have to suck it up with anti-itch creams. She says I should go get a steroid shot. Awesome. So I look up Urgent Care and it closes in 40ish minutes. I call and they stop accepting patients in 6 minutes. Well, FUCK ME.

So I went to Urgent Care the next day before work. The doctor is like “it looks infected. Is your skin normally this tight?” Well, I don’t know the exact density of my underarm flab, so I touch it and jiggle it and then touch the other arm and jiggle it — no you’re right, my whole arm is swollen. I thought it was just the bubbly mountainous mound around the actual bite. And yeah, it is red and warm but it didn’t hurt. It was just really itchy. So she gave me a steroid shot and a prescription for antibiotics. She told me if the rash wasn’t gone by that afternoon, do the antibiotics.

So damn good thing I did because I totally have cellulitis. In fact, Monday night, I rolled over on my arm and it was so painful I couldn’t sleep the entire night. I considered not even going to work Tuesday. So Monday and Tuesday were painful but it’s easing up. I still can’t sleep on it (which sucks cause I’m a side sleeper and that’s my default side). But it’s getting better. For a bit of Tuesday, I was afraid my fucking tattoo would rot off. It’s fine though. Now that the mountain is gone, there is just a little scab where it bit me. Even if that scars, it’ll probably just look like a freckle or something in the tattoo.

So wooooo. Yeah. July. Oh wait — I forgot. Louie got out. The night I did the sunsail and the monster tried to kill me. I was out so late that it was too late to cool off in the pool. So I was going to go straight to the shower instead. So on the way I grabbed a package off the porch. Louie snuck (sneaked?) out. And I mean SNUCK OUT. I watched the Ring footage. He was no where near the door when I opened it, then when I bent down for the package he hightailed it past me and down the stairs — all behind my back. Like I don’t even blame myself after seeing it on camera.

So I go take my shower. I’m getting some dinner and getting situated and I see Louie’s fat white ass at the door! OH MY GOD! I thought he was just hanging out under the bed or something (remember, he’s not a snuggler and doesn’t come when you call. He doesn’t even sleep with us). So I panicked. I thought he’d been out there for God knows how long begging to get in. And yall know we live on a 4 lane road with a speed limit of 50 so people are driving way faster! MY BABY! I felt awful. I was terrified. He was wailing like crazy and I was apologizing and I gave him wet stinky food as an apology.

While he ate his apology dinner, I watched what went down on the Ring cam. Thankfully, he never left our stoop. He was out there for a little over half an hour. He explored the stoop and found a frog to play with. I think we can thank the frog for him not running off. He was having a ball torturing that frog and pouncing it when it would leap away. At one point, the frog made it down the stairs and Louie picked it up in his mouth and brought it back up and deposited it back in front of the door for more hell. THIS is why I saw Louie’s fat white ass at the door. He wasn’t begging to come in, he was playing with the fucking frog.

So he wasn’t crying and distraught when I brought him in. He was regaling his great adventure! He never tried to get in. He wasn’t distraught. He just got to go outside and play with a frog and then I gave him his favorite dinner as a reward. It was like his best day ever!

OMG this month killed me. Now Louie has to be watched like a hawk near the door. The other day I cracked it enough to set a poweraid out for the guy mowing the yard and Louie dashed out! I tried to dash after him, but had only cracked the door and stubbed TWO TOES.

I mean. Fuck. That’s all I have to say.

Oh AND Wednesday husband texted me and work to tell me the AC was broken. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Thankfully a breaker reset fixed it after we climbed in the attic to see it wasn’t frozen. We hope. Dear God.