2024 Halloween Gingerbread House

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Before we get started, this post is two months late. In fact, I’ve already posted our 2024 Christmas Gingerbread House post (Click here). So that post is actually a lot more informative. I only realized I hadn’t posted this one when I went to reference it for that one. My bad! So I recommend you read that one first as it has lessons learned from this one that we implemented in the second build. However on this one, we went in blind. And it was a clusterfuck. It ended up fantastic — but this is a valuable lesson in just because someone looks awesome, doesn’t mean they’re better than you. They just covered their shit in a ton of icing.

Last year (2023), K2 and I kinda of upped our Christmas Gingerbread House game. We still used kits, but we leaned in more for the decorations. So this summer, K2 was talking about how she wanted to lean into the holidays this year. We decided to go custom for Christmas houses — make our own. I pointed out that we didn’t have to wait until Christmas, I’ve done a Halloween Kit before. So we decided to go for that shit.

We roped in K and ran with it. Now, Halloween is my favorite holiday. So rather than wait for Christmas, I went all in for Halloween. I can say (since that’s already been posted) that the Christmas build went better, but my Halloween house was much more elaborate. We had TONS of candy and we made templates. I went advanced. I wanted Adam’s Family vibes. But I made it on the fly without taping it together — so there were a lot of errors. You’ll see. Look at all that candy!

This is the same Gingerbread recipe we used for the Christmas House but was our first go. It was a mess. a sticky sticky mess. I can see that it’s a lot more wet here, that might have been a problem. It’s also a lot more brown because I dumped in some coco powder for color.

Perhaps due to the wetness, These pieces bubbled while cooking so we had to pull them out and roll them. They also bent and curled like crazy while drying. So watch this shit. You’ll see some serious fuckery in my pieces. Also, as I said on that other post — if you’re baking pieces that are touching — re-cut those lines halfway through because this shit is concrete.

So here you can see my finished pieces that had windows getting ready to go in. The windows are just broken up jolly ranchers. Like I said in the previous post, you do this AFTER the cookies are baked. The jolly ranchers melt fast and they’d burn long before the dough cooks.

I’ll also point out, I tried sugar-free jolly ranchers. I noticed they were made of isomalt which is what they use in all the fancy TV competitions. So I did most of mine in Sugar-free. I didn’t have enough though, so I did end up with some regular. Some things of note:

  • Sugar-free is far more expensive.
  • Sugar-free dries solid. The regular jolly ranchers always feel a little sticky to the touch. They can also drip if you put icing directly on them (as seen in a few of my Christmas House windows).
  • The regular jolly ranchers are more translucent and bright. The color is so much more vibrant and they light up better. Add on the cheaper price and fuck sugar-free.

So the first bit of fuckery I want to point out you can see here. Look at the piece with three stories of windows. Look at how fucked up that texture is. That’s because we were trying to keep them from curling by putting pans on top of them and I forgot the parchment paper on top. So I had to scrape it off a pan halfway though baking. That’s never gonna go well. You can also see on the back piece that I’m holding up how wonky the lines are and that the bottom corner curls up. This led to a lot of gaps where pieces joined which required a lot of icing coverage. One of my roof tiles also curled insanely because noone was watching it while I was rotating in new stuff.

I wasn’t thrilled with the color of this gingerbread. So the next morning, I mixed up some violet royal icing and watered it down to a wash and washed all my pieces in purple. I LOVE IT. First, very Halloween. Second, the flaws and ugly spots where there are wrinkles and dents are now bright purple instead of dark holes! Because more icing settled in those areas. I fucking love this technique. That’s why I repeated it on the Christmas house. It was fucking perfect on this Halloween House.

In these next photos, you can see that the side to right in the Louie picture has the brighter regular jolly ranchers. See what I mean about them looking better? You can also see two full size roof pieces I made. Welp, remember how I never taped this thing together? Yeah, I had to saw on that and break it as best I could in half. Live and learn. You can also see the fuck ton of small pieces to make my porch and stairs. You know what I did on the Christmas Gingerbread house? I made the fucking stairs with caramels and iced over them. LOOK HOW MUCH WORK THAT SAVED. You can also see how curled some of my pieces are. That’s where two batches of black icing will come in later. You can also see that lovely fucked up piece I scrapped off a pan.

This house was turning into such a fucking disaster that I don’t have many in-progress shots. I do have this one I want to share though to show the level of fuckery we are talking about.

There are a few things to see here:

  • Look how I wedged a piece of gingerbread in that side gap LOL
  • The first floor roof covers my already decorated windows.
  • Also, if I keep the bottom roof line for the porch, my door will be covered. So I’m going to have to raise it for the porch which will cover part of that already decorated window too. Whatever. Choices had to be made.
  • Most obviously, what the fuck happened to my second story windows? Why is one half covered? This is what happens when you just make a template on the fly.
    • I’m just going to have to ice over it. I’ll scrape off the candy and iced edges and cover it in icing. Like a FUCK TON of icing to level it up and block the light.
    • This is why the purple icing on this (and mimicked on the side tops) has that texture. There was so much icing that it kept slipping down and I kept pushing it back up. Well, as it dried, it cracked. So I leaned into the “texture” it was creating.
    • It looked really bad with just a really short window — so I MADE IT A CIRCLE WINDOW! Genius. See how epic disasters can work for you?

One more cluster fuck that almost didn’t see the light of day. I found an adorable Nightmare Before Christmas themed house online and they made the roof look like metal sheeting. I wanted to do that! I wanted to have a swirl of burgundy and black. To get their texture, they used a tile grout tool dragged over the royal icing poured out. Well, I guess my royal icing was too watery? Because there was no way mine was going to hold a shape that sharp. I also didn’t have that tool, so I decided to wing it with a fork!

Well, it wasn’t going to hold the fork texture either so for over an hour, I had to keep stroking it horizontally to get the ridges. Do you see my color swirls? No? That’s because they were obliterated during this process. More and more every time I did it. Now it was just a really ugly ass color. UGH. We will wait.

By the next morning, it had not solidified like the lady on the internet promised it would. So I popped it in the oven on a super low heat. This might be what cause the next problem. It was a very fragile honeycomb crumbly texture. So crumbly. It was impossible to cut my straight metal roof pieces (though I did try wit ha pizza cutter). So I just salvaged what pieces I tried to cut that didn’t shatter 100%. I had those laid out on three pans and hoped I had enough. Then I started shingling the roof with the pieces I had in some kind of manner. It was so so so bad. I almost just ripped it all off. Husband came down to see how I was doing and we discussed ripping it off because it looked so bad. And there wasn’t enough contrast with the purple siding. Also, the pieces were of very uneven thicknesses because some broke off the “back” bit — it was really weird. And the edge would just crumble if you thought about touching them. So I started outlining the bigger pieces in the purple icing to keep them from crumbling. Ran out, eventually switched to black.

Even then it was a hot mess of crumbling icing. But the black was at least making it pop a bit more. So I leaned in and started outlining the cracks that were forming. I outlined over the divots that were missing. I outlined around every piece to keep the edges protected (and together). I was kinda salvaging it! I placed big pieces over areas I had filled in with crumbled bits and just outlined around the new ones. It was not anything close to my aim, but I was achieving “decrepit” roof! I worked out for me! Triumph over adversity!

I also used a fuck ton of black icing covering all of the joins. Notice that in some areas, that black icing is REAL THICK. If you would like to look at the front of the tower, you will see how the right side of the tower has black icing three times thicker than the left. Well, it matters which pieces are back to back when assembling and that right join was wide on the front and the left was wide on the side. Fuck me! So when I iced the joins, my windows and door were so far off center it was comical. Like maybe this is why my second story window was covered? Kidding, that was its own fuckup. Welp. I guess we’ll just go with… more black icing? It worked for the roof. So um yeah… Just a really thick line of icing to make them look centered! SWEET! Yeah, I used two full batches of black icing on this house. That’s how much shit is filled in with black icing.

Now, another hot mess was that side I had to scrape off a baking pan. The gnarly bent one with all the deep divots and valleys. How the fuck was I supposed to fix that? Guys, I guess we’re doing a vine.

Yes, a vine climbing up the house that conveniently crosses all of those areas. Ooooo, what it it’s even all up on the third story roof! Like those vines that grow on my own house that grow into the gutters if I let them grow unchecked for too long. YEAH. I guess it would kind cover like the corner of the house ’cause I can’t have all this vine on the side and none on the back. And making it look “rooted” in that corner will let me cover that massive 1-inch+ gap at the bottom where the back and side join. WIN!

So you see? This house is fucking epic. It’s way “better” than my Christmas Church! I mean, “better” is in quotation marks because build-wise, this is a cluster fuck. Looks-wise though. I’m good. This is the shit. I am so fucking proud of this house. I’m almost even more proud because of how fucked up it was at points (hence there being no photos of those points). It was so bad, I wanted to scrap it. But I continued on. And it came out amazing! And some of the best bits – the crazy roof, the vine, the circle window -were never intended — they were just damage control! None of that was in my vision for this house at all. Even the heavy black icing covering gaps just makes it very gothic and Halloween.

Lastly, a few details. Lots of pumpkins! I wanted a porch with stairs just so I could put pumpkins on them. The pumpkins are Braches Pumpkins that were Moms favorite Halloween candy — plus some orange and green M&Ms for little and immature ones. I dyed shredded coconut green for the lawn. Look at my bat sprinkle door handles!

There were supposed to the three stairs but it ran out of room. Since I fucked up the stairs, I had to fix some size discrepancies with caramels sculpted like clay and iced over. Also, That’s how I came to the caramels-can-just-be-the-stairs in the next iteration.

Does anyone else think the windows look like gaping open muppet mouths? That was not intentional.

The Last Week in Pictures

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OK, so it’s the last 10 days in pictures, technically. I’m behind in life. But look, I did finally get rid of my pumpkins before Christmas Day! I had been putting it off because I didn’t want to put them in the compost with all their seeds intact and that meant slimy labor. Then I gave up and said fuck it, I’ll just toss them out.

So I grab my garden wagon to start tossing. When I pick this one up, it’s hollowed out! A kind squirrel took care of all the seeds for me! I had noticed a few tiny spots that I thought were mold. Turns out they were holes where our little friend was scraping the surface. How funny! Why would he eat it from the bottom like this? I had a few in the patch where they just ate the outer bits. So this big guy and three small hollowed out ones were saved for the compost. Thank you, animal friends.

Also, this week. I opened a new pan. After over twelve years of storing it. That’s right. I was gifted two of these for my wedding. Was I going to send one back? Fuck no. I knew this day would come. When I would want a NEW pan. And it is GLORIOUS. Aint nothing gonna stick to this. It’s so clean and grey and pretty. I love pan.

It was a super slow week at work with the holiday coming up. Engineers just take December off. So those of us left in office are kinda stuck. One lunch break, I labeled my art supplies! It sounds silly but it is not. My art supplies are organized in my dining room buffet. Things are all stored together in these reused monthly subscription boxes. Like these boxes were too good to trash, so I kept them. Then I started storing art supplies in them. Then they all ended up in the buffet but I always forget which is which.

Well, I did some resin art which means I needed a new box: “Resin.” So I shifted a few boxes around for size efficiency. While I was at it, I used LABELS. I wrote down what was in them. Look how organized I am! Louie totally helped.

Finally, today, I turned my compost. I’m so glad I went with the three bin system. I bought a corkscrew aerator and it works fine — but you can’t really stir with it. And the outer bits get dry and need to be cycled into the center. It’s so much quicker and easier to flip everything into the neighbor bin with a hay fork. Glad I did my research! The last bin currently holds dry leaves since I don’t need three yet.

Theoretically, I would have emptied out all of my pots into that bin for dirt storage already. I’m behind, OK?

I think when I stated my compost I used far too many “browns.” We’ve also had so little rain that it hasn’t stayed wet. And, hay sucks. It was pretty much hydrophobic for weeks. I’m not putting anymore hay in there. It’s the only thing not breaking down. I put a whole bag of cardboard in here and there isn’t a trace of it. Still every bit of hay in there.

At this point, I just used my aerator to mix things around. Then, dig out a hole in the middle. Then I dump my new compost in and cover it up. But I’ve flipped it a few times. This time there was a huge earthworm in there so that’s a great sign.

Oh and that’s Ted. He guards the compost bins.

Honey is a SCAM!

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What? I totally use Honey. I mean, I haven’t been using it long — but I did fall for it and install it! It has come out that Honey is basically just a giant scam. Here’s where I’m getting my info. I first saw it here:

But he’s getting all his info from this guy that did the actual investigation. So I recommend you watch THIS video:

Basically, Honey only exists to steal affiliate links. And as a bonus, if shops partner with it — they can have Honey only display low coupon codes — even if you can google and get way better ones. It’s fucking everyone!

Oh damn, Paypal (who owns Honey), that’s DIRTY.

So basically if someone sells you on a product and you go buy it, they should get a little kickback for the commission. They were your sales-person so they get a commission. BUT, Honey is canceling them out and taking the full credit. Meaning Honey gets all of the commission and the original person who sold it to you gets nothing. But they’re also fucking YOU.

YOU downloaded Honey so you can stop googling for coupon codes. I did too! So now you’re not googling for sales codes anymore. Well, that’s a damn shame, because you’d be saving a lot of money if you were still doing that. If the store has partnered with Honey, they can have Honey control what you see. If you had googled, you might have found a good or better code (even if Honey shows nothing) — but the store doesn’t want you to see that coupon code so Honey doesn’t show it to you.

Even if the Honey window just pops up and says it has nothing, if you click it — THEY GET YOUR COMMISSION. Even if you don’t care about anyone getting a commission, do you wanna give it to PayPal? A percentage of almost every single purchase you make online? Just toss PayPal some of your money for free.

God forbid you were trying to support a business too — cause you could have given them your business, but now Honey is taking a commission on that sale.

HA. That’s so fucking shady.

Sooo… You’re gonna want to uninstall Honey and go back to looking for your own coupon codes. Go to settings > Extensions > My Extensions > UNINSTALL THAT SHIT.

That’s pretty damn epic. It only exists to steal money.

You know in Office Space where they just skimmed percentages of a penny off each transaction? Honey’s getting a LOT MORE than that! WHAT?

Low key kinda props for being that evil. That’s balls.

Let me get my popcorn and watch the epic fall of this company. I can’t believe all of the people who have been promoting this scam that’s been fucking them over the whole time. It’s using the people it’s fucking over to sell it! EPIC! Did Satan design this?

2024 Christmas Gingerbread House

Posted on | by cursingcats.com | 1 Comment on 2024 Christmas Gingerbread House

Do you just want a recipe? I mean this isn’t a recipe POST, but fuck it, click here to skip it all.

We Doin’ It

Last year, K2 and I did more elaborate gingerbread houses than usual. We stepped up our game. We still did kits, but we were more elaborate with decorations. Then, for Halloween, K2, K, and I went all in on Halloween houses. We made them FROM SCRATCH. I just went to grab you a link and I did not post it. I suck. Probably because deciding which pictures to use (meaning: not posting all 30 angles and combining some in photoshop) and writing it up takes a while. I’ve been working on this post for 3 days. But DAMN. That one was epic so it’s coming. I’ve looked at my media files three times to make sure but — nope, there’s no photos of that uploaded. WTF?

UPDATE! I posted about the Halloween House! I highly recommend you view it — especially if you feel like my skills are beyond yours because that was a CLUSTERFUCK. A true story in thriving in difficulty and overcoming adversity. I mean it was a hot fucking mess but came out better than this one!

Anyway, so for Christmas, we REALLY wanted to step it up. I went all out on Halloween because that is my favorite. K and K2 just did regular house shapes. But I went ALL IN. We did it all from scratch and they were great. So we decided to do it again for Christmas, obviously. This time K and K2 upped their game and I’m reeling mine in a bit. I decided to simplify from the Halloween elaboration. I wanted to do a church with a steeple. Nice, but not the complexity of the Adams Family House. Plus I’ve done this before. Big house shape plus tiny house shape for steeple. Bam.

So here we go:

Day 1: The Bakening

Since these are from scratch, we had one day scheduled just to get them baked. For the Halloween houses, we made three batches of dough but didn’t use it all up by far. So this time we started with three batches. I also died it brown to get some color. I had far fewer (so so so fewer) pieces to make on mine, but K and K2 scaled up a lot, so that wasn’t enough. So we made another two batches (we might have made a third too). Pretty sure K2 had to go to the store for more eggs, but we had no choice — no way were we gonna get close. We didn’t have brown dye left, so from there, the gingerbread pieces all had a very cool swirl effect as we combined batches. I liked it.

I think K2 came over at 4pm and I was done at 2am. Yeah. Lot of baking. I mean it took us a damn long time to get it all rolled and cut and spread all over my kitchen — but you can only fit so much on one cookie sheet and there’s only three racks in the oven. So yeah, my oven was going all night with me rotating stuff in and out. The key is a fuck ton of parchment paper and counter space.

We do paper templates and follow that for the pieces (I also keep the labeled templates to match up the pieces later when assembling). This “gingerbread” recipe has no fat in it so it doesn’t spread at all which is nice. It’s also basically concrete. It’s a pain to baby sit because it wants to curl as it cooks and dries, but it is solid as fuck. If you need to cut apart your pieces (if you have two pieces adjoining on the sheet), recut it halfway through baking because this is solid.

We learned some things from the Halloween Houses:

  • 1) This shit is so solid it does not need to be as thick as you think to be sturdy. When I tossed my Halloween house in the trash, I tried to break it apart and was unsuccessful. So I just tipped it off my counter into a bag. It hit the floor tower roof first and didn’t crack. SOLID.
  • 2) Cutting windows by hand sucks. My house Halloween house had a lot of windows. Cutting them out by hand sucked a lot. So this time, I bought a bunch of geometric shape cutters. Oh my lord, thank you. Clean, perfect cuts. I combined the tear drop and rectangle for gothic windows on mine. Circle and rectangle for arched windows on Ks. We did big and small combos for wreath shapes. K2 went fucking nuts with circles for snowmen and stars and diamond/parallelograms. Just yes, buy cookie cutters.
  • 3) Royal Icing is also concrete. We do hot-glue our houses together (cause aint nobody eating this shit). You only need to glue to hold it until the icing dries. So this time I only used a bit of glue because the icing is going to do all the holding – as evidenced by my trashing of the Halloween House.
  • 4) Caramels can be structural. My Halloween house had a fuck ton of pieces because I did a porch with stairs. I had to use caramels to fix the sides of the stairs and it occurred to me that I could have just used caramels for the stairs. It’s basically clay. It won’t hold up on its own — but you only need it to hold up until your icing dries it solid. So THIS TIME, my stairs are totally caramels. In FACT, we forgot to cut two sides for me front off-shoot so I used caramels. (One got cut, but somehow not a second one.) That’s why I had to ice over those walls when I assembled it.

So here is 2am that night before I finally went to bed! My church is the greyish one on the island (I didn’t paint the roof pieces) and K and K2s are on the counter. I also meant to have a window on the front but there was a lot of cutting happening and it just got missed. Do you see all the pieces we made?

I “painted” the Halloween House purple and loved the results so much that I had to do this one as well. I always do an over-the-top red and green candy house for Christmas houses. So I wanted to go a bit more elegant this year. I wanted an icy blue-grey for the church. I nailed it, but when I was painting it, it felt like a huge fail. It was much darker than I wanted. This dough soaks up liquid like a desert so keep that in mind. And when it dried and the white sugar came through it was perfect.

This is basically just an extremely watered down royal icing that I paint on with a brush. The Halloween House had one or two layers and this has 3 or 4. What I adore about this finish is that it takes the ugly parts and makes them shine. The marbled lighter bits are the grooves and dents and cracks and imperfections. Since more icing settles in those places, it looks lighter/closer to the icing color when it dries. So it is a gorgeous way to keep the character of real baked pieces. The key is that it is a wash, not actual icing. You aren’t icing over the pieces, just washing them with a little bit of sugar (well, royal icing with a ton of water). It should be very drippy and painted on with a paint brush. You’re basting the gingerbread. It should soak into the gingerbread. I also loves that when it dries, there is a very subtle sparkle from the sugar crystals. I just adore this method.

Making Windows

If you’ve never done windows on gingerbread houses — you are missing out! They’re so easy! Throw in some battery powered LED lights while assembling and it’s fucking magic! You just cut them out when baking. They’re filled with melted hard candy. We used jolly ranchers. Separate by colors and bang them up a bit. They don’t have to be pulverized, but break them up a bit. Pretty sure any hard candy can work. butterscotches can do a nice cabin glow.

  • Cut the windows out and then bake.
  • After the ginger bread is done (cool or hot, doesn’t matter), put it on baking paper and fill the holes with candy. Put a lot in there. When it melts it will lose a lot of the volume of the bits you just sprinkled in plus some might seep around the window on the back side. Do NOT do this with the raw dough. The candy will melt very fast and will burn long before your dough finishes cooking. Do this with finished cookie pieces only.
  • To get the stained glass effect seen here, clump colors together in piles. Watch it because it won’t take long to melt. Once they are a uniform puddle with no lines between colors, pull them out and let cool before removing from the pan. If you are quick, you could swirl the colors with a toothpick before they cool.
  • NOTE: White sugar will not even come close to melting before the candy, they don’t work together.

Day 2: Decorating and Assembling

This is a minimum two day process since you have to bake everything. Day two is assembly and decorating. It’s easiest to decorate the sides before assembling. You have a nice flat surface to work on and stick stuff to.

I used black icing to outline my windows and do the stained glass lines. I used a darker grey/blue for decorating. I did a foundation of edible ball bearings (cake pearls?). I also did some swirls to add detail. Then, I assembled with hot glue and covered all my edges, joins, and caramel walls/stairs with the grey/blue icing. By this time, K2 was done with hers, so we have a photo of Louie watching me ice a roof edge.

After she left, I worked many more hours. Silver pearl things got added around some windows to brighten up the black and in a few details to sparkle. It was also looking a bit too generic and non-Christmas. So I made a wreath to glue on later and some garland on the windows. The green bits are sour gummies cut into pieces. The red bits are from a Christmas sprinkles pack we bought last year (save your candy from year to year — no one is eating this shit).

Day 3: Roofing

I needed another day to work on mine. I had assembled the church. It was iced. So Day Three, I started with trees. They are ice cream cones wrapped with sour gummy strips. Then I decided to tackle the roof. It is cinnamon toast crunch. It took 3+ hours. Louie watched TV with me though.

I decided that was a LOT of cereal roof visually, so I added some snow drifts of shredded coconut. I love them! Were they perfect? Hell no. But you know what? You can just pull off whole sections of cereal you fucked up with too many snow drifts and redo it and no one will ever know. You got a whole box of cereal.

To finish off Day Three, I used the rest of the white icing and covered a big area on my base and sprinkled it with the shredded coconut for snow.

BTW, our bases are cardboard wrapped in craft paper. We used doubled up boxes (so 4 layers of cardboard total). Put the boxes in different directions to each other so the creases for the flaps don’t’ line up. I wanted to use solid green wrapping paper but I couldn’t find any. Last Christmas, I used a green gift bag that had a glitter border and it was pretty awesome. I bet scrap fabric would work. Anything you have around to cover the cardboard.

Day 4: The Finishing

Yeah, I needed another day to work on it. Day three was a work night so I couldn’t stay up late. Day four was mostly finishing touches. I glued the wreath on the front of the church with hot glue. I decided the back needed a wreath but I didn’t have any more circle shapes, so I glued a bunch of K2s parallelograms together and glued them to the house. It was fat and I glued it on before decorating so I thought it would be a disaster but I kinda love how huge it is. It took a ton of chopped up gummies to cover.

I topped all of the trees with extra sour gummie cuts to cover the ice cream cone tops. I made little gum drop tiny trees by the church doors topped with some of our star cutouts. I added “bushes” of gum drops. I really committed to that.

I used more of the red sprinkles to decorate the tree in front of the church. And two more star cookies of different sizes for the tree topper. That’s their grand Christmas tree. I couldn’t use the red icing because it just wasn’t red enough even though we used the entire jar of red color. There are some red M&Ms on the tree and wreaths too.

Then, as my final touch… I added a little gingerbread man sprinkle by one of the door trees. I like to think a little girl left her teddy bear there by the tree.

SHE’S DONE! Light her up!

Detail shots:

Front and back:

Side A and Side B:

Holy fuck, I am so damn proud of this one! EVERYONE LOOK AT MY CHURCH! The little star Christmas tree toppers! The trees! THE WINDOWS! Look at my snow drifts!

I like to really throw my all into some projects just so I can be proud of myself and show them off. Remind myself I still “got it.”

You know whats so weird? This “elegant” gingerbread house was far cheaper than a traditional one with all the candy. Sure, it takes longer because the details are all icing. But it required hardly any actual candy. Green gummies, green gummy strips, sprinkles and jolly ranchers (plus the cereal and coconut). Usually you have to have a huge host of different candies for variety. That means it’s actually a lot cheaper to make this fancy style.

Sentimental Throw Backs

This house is a bit of a throw back to the second real gingerbread house I made with my mom back when I live in a shitty apartment in college. We did a church with steeple then too. It also had the cinnamon toast crunch roof. It even had a hershys chocolate door too! So this pleases me greatly. Momma would love it and want to keep it forever.

Here’s a post I did of gingerbread houses through the years. There’s two mom and I did at the apartment from scratch.

Another throw back — the cat destruction. It was a well known “secret” that Jack would sneak onto the counter every night and lick the icing off the gingerbread house. It was hilarious seeing bald spots appear. He never did it in front of us. But every morning there would be missing icing spots or M&Ms with the colorful shell licked off. It was part of the tradition for me.

Well, I noticed the coconut around the Halloween house was disturbed a lot and I just prayed to GOD it wasn’t a mouse. I never saw Louie do it, but I did suspect he might be the culprit. Lo and behold it is him. Louie don’t give a fuck so he got right up on the counter and started eating it right in front of me. Little fucker! And I will 100% allow it because it’s tradition.

Recipes

Concrete AKA “Gingerbread”

Modified with original credit to: The Craft Crib

Ingredients  

  • 2 C granulated sugar
  • 1/2 C corn syrup (the recipe says honey, you could use molasses. Corn syrup is cheapest)
  • 1 TBS warm water
  • 4 eggs
  • (Fuck spices, no one’s eating this)
  • 6 C flour
  • Optional: Food coloring if you want that gingerbread look you would have gotten from the molasses, spices, and brown sugar. This is gonna be sugar cookie pale so maybe add some brown food coloring if that’s your thing. On this Christmas house bake, we did add all my brown to the first batch. Then we made more and didn’t have food coloring so we just combined them and got an awesome swirl effect.

Instructions 

  • Preheat oven to 325 degrees F
  • Bake that shit until it’s dry. I’ve done it twice and it varied a lot. Just make sure it’s dry but don’t over cook it.
  • BABYSIT IT — this might bubble and it certainly likes to curl. We’ve used it twice and it varied so much.
  • The original recipe says: Bake the pieces at 325 degrees F for 15-20 minutes, rolling the dough once after 10 minutes. I don’t know if we used too much water, but this took a LOT longer. Just look and tap it. If it’s shiny and soft, it’s not done. I actually flipped these pieces so they’d just hurry up and cook. Maybe I just cooked them too long? No one’s eating it, it’s fine.
  • The original recipe also says to put a pan on it while it cools to prevent curling. Probably not a bad idea. IT CURLS. Babysit it.

Royal Icing

Modified with original credit to: Hanielas

  • 3 egg whites, (90-100grams)
  • 5 cups powdered sugar (650grams)
  • 1/2 tsp cream of tartar (no, I do not measure this shit. I’ve also forgot it in some colors and didn’t notice a difference. I just sprinkle it in there. It’s cheap)
  • (Fuck flavoring, no one’s eating this)
  • Food Coloring

Review: Chewy.com is the G.O.A.T.

Posted on | by cursingcats.com | Leave a Comment on Review: Chewy.com is the G.O.A.T.

If you want to skip the backstory and skip straight to why Chewy is AMAZING — click here.

I love Chewy

Do you use Chewy? I don’t use it for everything and never thought I’d use it until Jack got sick. I just figured it was for the really eccentric pet people but it’s actually affordable. And they do free shipping over $50. I started using it when the Vet told me that Jack’s IV supplies would be far cheaper on Chewy.com than anywhere else. Yes, Chewy does pet prescriptions too (they can call your vet or you can upload the prescription).

SIDE NOTE: GoodRx works on pet medication as well.

When Jack was sick (kidney failure), I got all of his IV supplies and prescription food through Chewy. They’re pretty awesome. They sent him birthday cards. They run great sales. They donate to charity (right now, if you write to Chewy Claus, they might fulfill your wish and every letter received is 1lb of food and supplies donated to Greater Good Charities – up to 600,000lbs). So that’s how I came to shopping on Chewy.

Step in: Louie. When I adopted Louie, his bowels were FIERCE. It was like someone had chemical bombed our entire house — not exaggerating. Not just his poop — but he was just constant gas. Like just a little gas bomb and if he pooped you better hold your breath and run to clean it up ASAP. His abdomen was swollen. His poop was just bloody diarrhea. So I quested to get his stomach right (with the vets help and lots of prebiotics — which every new pet owner wants to shove down new pets throat). The vet wouldn’t make any food recommendations but I scoured the internet and tried to get as limited ingredient as possible. So he ended up with Open Farm Raw Mix Kibble and some Natural Wonders Limited Ingredient wet food for dinner. And we got him straight. WIN.

THEN, Natural Wonders stopped making that food. Not raised the price — they stopped making it! So I took to the internet. Lots of pet owners were angry and they all had the same problem — their spoiled pet won’t eat anything else! Did you know a cat can starve itself to death? Yeah, they’re that bitchy. Thankfully, Reddit to the rescue. Someone had found that their cat would now eat Weruva Mideast Feast. It’s not as limited ingredient — but still really good and it’s the damn whole chunks of real fish Louie wants (dude, skin on sometimes even — ew). So they don’t sale his kibble, but I went right back to chewy for this fancy wet food.

Now you’re all caught up.

So I ordered two cases of wet food for Louie. Chewy runs great coupons every once-in-a-while to get a $30 gift card if you spend $100. So when this happens, I buy up two cases of food. Rinse and repeat. That’s right, over $100 worth of cat food. Fourty-eight individual 5.5oz metal cans.

A day or two later I get an email “Hi BIL! your Chewy order has shipped!” — WAIT, BIL? I open the email. Holy fuck me, I sent it to my BIL. He’s in my addresses because last year I sent him a hilarious dog costume for his dog. He doesn’t even HAVE A CAT. He’s also 12 hours away. Do you know how much two cases of cat food weighs? I bet you do because you can do the math — it’s a lot. Do you know how much shipping costs? It’s insane!

Side story on shipping costs — feel free to skip. So I mailed my BIL the adorable pawprint ornament we made last year that I finally painted. See this post. Also this post. And here’s a picture:

So I packed it in a bubble mailer and took it to the UPS Store. They wanted $14 to ship it. It weighs 3oz. It’s in a #1 size mailer — AKA, like the smallest one. You want how much? Now I know it’s the holiday season and they’re pissy and people are mean to them, but this guy was an ass. He said that’s pretty standard for shipping. I said, its tiny, weightless, and last time I shipped him something bigger it was $6. So he goes on a spill about how that’s a good cost. So I ask how much for USPS. He says $19. Are you fucking kidding me? So another worker hears and asks where it’s going. MICHIGAN, not Europe! He says that if it’s not giving him a choice to ship ground, it’s not a choice. So I just politely tell them “sorry I wasted your time” and take my shit back. I go to the USPS office to see if this $19 is the cheapest they can do shit it true. It’s not. It’s was $6 and change. Fuck you motherfuckers! Trying to rip people off cause it’s the holiday rush. (NOTE THIS: All of you who think that USPS is not vital public infrastructure and should be privatized). So what I saying, shipping even a tiny thing is expensive as fuck.

//End Side Story

So I’ve mailed my BIL over a hundred dollars worth of very expensive and heavy cat food. Well, just having him ship it to me isn’t an option because that would be at an insane cost. So I call Chewy immediately. Get a human right away, BTW. No stupid pressing 1 for whatever and 2 for whatever nope. It rang, I got a spill about this call may be recorded and then a very nice woman answered. I explain how stupid I am. She says, it just shipped, maybe it can be rerouted. So she enters a reroute into the system for FedEx and says to call back if that doesn’t work.

Well, fuck me because somehow Michigan gets next day shipping from Chewy. Must be awesome for yall. So I call them back. Same easy call — another lovely lady picks up. I explain my stupidity again. No problem, she says, we’ll ship out a replacement. Awesome! Can you send me a label for my BIL to return the first? Oh no, just donate it to a shelter or a vet.

What WHAT? You don’t want a hundred dollars worth of cat food back? ‘Cause Amazon just made me promise that I’d ship back my AA batteries if they end up arriving after the post office lost them or I’d be charged for both deliveries and that was $14 of generic batteries that won’t arrive for over a week even though I pay for free 2-day shipping.

It’s true. Look at that — they sent out two more cases for free that got here the very next day. Look!

What the fucking fuck? Chewy is just going to let us donate all that? When it was 100% my mistake and my fault for messing up the order? Like they did nothing wrong, but just give away a hundred dollars worth of product?

Holy fucking shit, there is a good corporation!? They donate to charity (even in THIS way — we can just give this food to whoever we want — BIL doesn’t have a cat). Helpful cheerful humans answer the phone immediately. They send out hand written and signed cards to your pets. Like, seriously, they have to employ multiple people to just write cards. I got a sympathy letter when Jack died. And did you know, they pick random pets and have their portraits painted to surprise people with? Yeah, so make sure you upload a photo of your pet to your profile. I’ve seen them, they’re adorable.

This company, Chewy.com, has become huge — and they still seem like you’re dealing with the sweetest old mom and pop store to ever exist.

I’m blown away.

I was going to keep using Chewy anyway, but good lord almighty, I’m preaching Chewy now! USE CHEWY! Use the code CHEER right now to get a $30 gift card if you spend $100 — plus free shipping over $50.

Look how happy Louie is with his wet food!

Thank you, Chewy, for being fucking amazing. I can’t believe good people still exist.

Quacks of Quedlinburg Custom Storage: Broken Token Storage Makeover

Posted on | by cursingcats.com | Leave a Comment on Quacks of Quedlinburg Custom Storage: Broken Token Storage Makeover

First, it’s like Christmas, so let’s jump to the end and then go back to the beginning. Here’s where we’re going: LOOK AT THIS MASTERPIECE!

Quacks of Quedlinburg

Ok, so in the beginning, I had an interview. It went well. I was chatting with the interviewer about boardgames after we were done and she asked if I’d ever heard of Quacks of Quedlinburg. I had not. I wrote it down in my very professional interview portfolio to look up later.

I pulled it up on Board Game Geek to give it a glance. It had a long list of award nominations and finalist titles and a “few” wins:

  • 2022 Årets Spel Best Family Game Winner
  • 2020 Origins Awards Best Family Game Winner
  • 2019 UK Games Expo Best Board Game (European Style) People’s Choice Winner
  • 2019 Hungarian Board Game Award Winner
  • 2019 Guldbrikken Best Adult Game Winner
  • 2019 American Tabletop Casual Games Winner
  • 2018 Meeples Choice Award Winner
  • 2018 Kennerspiel des Jahres Winner
  • 2018 Golden Geek Best Family Board Game Winner
  • 2018 Cardboard Republic Daredevil Laurel Winner

Yes, those are just the awards it WON. Clearly she wasn’t over-hyping it. I also liked that it can be two player. I recently received a long-awaited Kickstarter game that we have yet to play because we need a minimum of 3 players. So 2 players — fucking-a! I immediately added it to my Amazon Wishlist. Along with a game organizer to go with it.

The Broken Token Game Organizer

I’ve never had a Broken Token game organizer. I know the brand. I know it’s reputable. I’ve just always found them so… ugly. I love me a game organizer — game changer (literally!), but damn. However, I did look at the Amazon reviews and saw this photo of someone’s customization:

WAIT. Wait wait wait. These are supposed to be CUSTOMIZED? That’s why they’re ugly? Holy fuck! I don’t know if yall noticed my recent booknook fandom and the amazing Sherlock Holmes booknook I did (link). But I knew I had the skills to make this AWESOME. So that went on the list as well.

Makeover Time

For my birthday, my wonderful husband got it for me! Woot! I love a craft project! So I dove in. I spent over a week on this. First, I stained the wood and assembled the boxes with glue. Then I hit a roadblock, which I knew was coming.

When A Hindrance Becomes Your Greatest Asset

The Amazon Review photo had been done with stickers/paper. I did plenty of that in my booknook and that’s why I know we have an amazing black and white printer but a very shitty color printer. The resolution isn’t great and you can see the print lines. So just not gonna work. I could print and paint over it, but I’m not that good at painting small details — I have shaky hands.

So have you ever heard that overcoming obstacles makes a better product? Like in the first Deadpool movie. You know when Deadpool forgets his big bag of guns in the taxi? Well, that wasn’t just any old gag. There was supposed to be a huge scene there with all those weapons. But their budget got axed so they couldn’t afford that scene. So the amazing scene that ended up in the movie replaced it. That’s one example. They had to forgo all the FX budget and do a practical scene. This EPIC case I just made is another perfect example. I couldn’t just print my graphics, I had to make this shit for real.

Aside from the labels, I could do everything else practical. I know I have an excellent black ink printer so I ordered some clear sticky paper to do the typeface. I could paint under it and then just stick the type over my paint. Yay!

Gathering Pieces

Remember when I talked about my nightmare Hobby Lobby trip? Well, during that trip, I looked for things I could use for this project. I really wanted some of those tiny brass label holders that you put on photo boxes. They did not have any. So I got metallic puff paint to make something up. I also found some cute tin corner details in the wood craft section for 99 cents (for the four pack)! Were they black? Yes. Irrelevant. Then I looked through all the charms and jewelry bits. I found a pack of six insanely tacky photo charms. They’re really cheap brassy gold and the fake “diamond” inlays and thin plastic. PERFECT.

So I snipped the charm loops off with some wire cutters and painted all that shit in enamel gold paint — going for a brass accent look. Then I used paint to fill in the center of the photo charms for each player color. In the final photos, you’ll see they look like cabochons. So funny story. I was going through my glue stash and found Mod Podge 3D in there that I had bought for some project and never used. I’m pretty sure I thought it was clear puff paint but it’s not! It’s a liquid to fill bottle caps or pendants to seal things in. What? So I filled up my cheap pendants and daymn — they look amazing! Yall these were six for like $6 and half off. I’m good.

I also picked up some earrings I had hoped to use on the ingredient drawers but they were too small. I ended up using one of them on the black book spine. A bat charm also makes an appearance — I TOTALLY already had that! Again, just snipped the loops off with wire cutters and painted them the brass color.

Layout Time

So at this point in the project, I had decor bits and boxes. I had decisions to make. Do I use the corners as true corners? They look kinda cool sideways. I gotta cover this ugly engraving work too. Do I want to do books like the one I saw? How could I do a potion shelf?

It was time for Photoshop. I love making decisions like this with photos so I can see the different options side by side. So I laid out all the boxes I had and put it in Photoshop. I used the clone tool to fill in some missing wood bits. I googled some playing cards to visualize where those would be in the finished product. And I took the Amazon Review guy’s labels to play with just for the visual. This is what I came up with:

Thankfully, the ingredient drawer fronts could be installed backwards so no worrying about that engraving. The flap in the middle (it flips up to reveal a shelf) could also be installed backwards. I was not so lucky with the other two compartments. I’d have to work something out to cover those.

The book compartment was the worst. That had to go. I couldn’t just paint books because it was engraved. Also, a bit of 3D wouldn’t kill anyone. So I made my book spines with sculpty clay! I used a earring on the black notebook. I modeled the fat green book after my own leather happy book where I have lots of Four-Leaf Clovers and cat foot-prints and even butterfly wings. I envision it being a similar book for herb identification. Oh and I totally had some glass skull beads for an upcoming booknook, so I tucked one of those guys in.

Now We Paint

I’ve moved my crafting from the kitchen table to the living room for two reasons. One: I totally mess up the nice table every time I do stuff on there. Two: Louie gets really needy when I’m ignoring him. This way he can sit by me. Kills my back though.

I color matched the ingredients to the corresponding game tokens. I just used good old acrylic paint on the books and labels. You can see I printed out a fancy outline for my puff paint and to show me the rectangle to color in. I did not outline the squares with puff paint because, as you can see on the Rubies box in the final photos, I can’t do straight lines.

I had been hemming and hawing over what to do with the bottom compartment. I considered covering it in leather bias tape I had or maybe red felt? But It was looking very busy with all the colors. I wanted more wood to show so I decided to do a monogram. To cover the engraving, I cut an oval out of the sticky clear paper for the flat surface (all of this is Mod Podged so no worry about the adhesive strength). The Q is the same Q in the games logo. Does the puff paint work on that Q look shitty? Yeah. But I spent over an hour and like 50 Q-Tips trying to get it reasonable. I’m really proud of my puff paint filigree though.

I also had to add handles to the player token drawers. I didn’t install the wood ones so I could use my swanky cabochons. I did leave a small bit of the opening though so I could thread something through. I had thought maybe tassels. However, when I went to grab my skull bead, I realized I have Evil Eyes! How much fun would Evil Eyes be in my alchemy cabinet? So I grabbed those and the copper beads from the Sherlock Booknook and made some little pulls. I LOVE THEM. Holy fuck they’re fantastic!

I also used a lot of stain markers for clean up. More about that in the Lessons Learned section at the end.

THE FINAL BOX

So look! Here’s my alchemist cabinet! I am beyond thrilled with this! Can you believe I would have just printed off graphics if I had a good printer? What? This is AMAZING. I might store the game in its lid like this. Like just put the guide and player boards in the lid and slide this in over it and just put it on my game shelf like this. I think I will.

Lessons Learned

I learned a lot on this crafting journey. I’d like to pass some of that on to you.

  • Glue Spots. So I glued my boxes together after staining the wood. Well, where any glue spread or I touched it with gluey fingers, there were noticeably shinier spots. That’s why I had to use Mod Podge– I coated everything so it all had the same sheen.
  • Mod Podge and tolerances. I used “Extra Matte” Mod Podge. I’d have rather used regular, but I didn’t have enough and I was using stuff I had. So it was Extra Matte or Super Gloss. Well, this stuff is thick. And that made the tolerances of the sliding pieces off. UGH. So where the trays slide into cutouts in the wood… well, I had to sand that down. I chose to sand down the cutouts to make them wider where they slid in rather than the trays. It sucked. I’m glad that the Mod Podge adds a coating plus strength in that it’s just more glue — but damn.
  • Mod Podge looking “Flat.” In some areas where there was too much Mod Podge, they clouded. This happened on my tin corner decorations. It also looked bad on the back of the flap. The wood is rougher on that side and since I installed it backwards to get rid of the engraving, that was out. I fixed this with Stain Pens. They’re made to fix/hide scratches in furniture — so worth having. I also buffed a bit of that gold enamel paint back over the raised metal additions to bring back their luster. This actually makes them look more aged since they’re less shiny in the nooks. Over all though, I’m not down with the Mod Podge I used. It ruined the tolerances so I had to spend hours fixing that with nail files. It messed with the shine. Also, it has a rough feel. I think the “Extra Matte” fucked me over.
  • Stain Pens are AMAZING. So this is layers of wood. So the stain didn’t go all the way through every layer of wood. This left the center of the wood edges lighter. Stain Pens to the rescue!
  • Stain Pens are shiny. I also used the stain pens to cover some mistakes. Notice how non-square my paint labels were. Squared those up. I told you I used like 50 Q-Tips getting that monogram right. Well, wiping away metallic paint leaves a bit of a color. Fixed that with Stain Pens. But even going with the grain, it was so obviously different where I used the pen over the Mod Podge in levels of sheen. So basically, I covered the front of everything in stain pen. I mean, it looks fucking awesome — but I only did the fronts. I wouldn’t be able to get into the nooks and crannies with the pens even if I wanted to.
  • Clear Sticker/Tape over paint — not great. So the paint was obviously not perfectly flat. This led to light refraction and you could see the areas behind the sticker paper I had printed the text on even after I Mod Podged everything to the same sheen. This sucked. I had to solve this by painting over the sticker paper with paint again. Obviously, I couldn’t get right up against the text though. This led to a ghostly sort of shadow around the text. It works, but it was not intended. I’d say it looks awesome on some of them, like “Fortune” and “Ghost’s Breath.” On those it adds to the look. It’s not noticeable at all on the white and grey. It is noticeably bad on the red Toadstool and Rubies though. Oh well. I stand by the printer making me do this all for real being the greatest thing to happen. But I’d totally print those labels and then add the 3D around them.
  • Puff Paint is for people better than me. I can’t draw a straight line to save my life. Also, a consistent squeeze to get a uniform thickness is impossible. This shit requires skills I don’t have. I’m thrilled with my filigree on the drawers/trays though. It’s abstract so it doesn’t matter that it’s not uniform and perfect. Also it was done by starting by squeexing out a blob and pulling away while releasing the squeeze — this led to nice drop shapes.
  • Paint this interior of the game box. I’m really glad I realized how much of the box would actually show through. What alchemist cabinet is backed in freaking cardboard? So I painted the inside of the box all black before putting this in there. Pro move. I’m so smart.

Feedback for Broken Token on This Exact Box

I don’t like that the ingredient trays aren’t drawers. That sucks. The player tokens are drawers that slide in and out. The ingredient trays are just trays with a lip that slides about a centimeter into the frame. 1) this looks awkward when using the trays on the table to play because they have those stupid tabs on the sides. 2) I can’t use them as drawers like I want. I’d much prefer these had bottoms like the player token drawers.

It kind sucks that you can’t open the books compartment without removing the Fortune and Rubies tray. This is a super small complaint since you’d have to remove those for play anyway. But it also has the same stupid tab problem of the ingredient trays.

Since the box isn’t rigid and you gave us no drawer slides, the side with the ingredient trays can bow out slightly. This means the ones in the middle can come out of their tabs. Seriously, these should have been drawers. It would have fixed this too. There’s nothing holding that column to width anywhere but the very top and very bottom.

I like the swing out bottom compartment. That’s fun.

The ingredient trays need separators for the different values of the tokens. I’m going to add these with painted cardboard because I really do think you need those to play the game more efficiently. It would let you know at a glance if one item is out and also making grabbing what you want easier.

First Game Play(s)

Husband and I actually gave this three plays on Sunday. Once in the afternoon and twice in the evening. We love it. It really is a good game! It’s fun! This picture is the last game where I was DESTROYED so ignore that. I did get 13 rat tails on that last turn though so fucking-a. I love the rat tail catch up mechanic!

There is a lot of luck here — but also a lot of resource management going on. It’s not coincidence husband won all three games. If the game was longer, you could even it out a bit. Only having 9 rounds means that the BEST your bag will get is 1/3 cherry bombs (8 cherry bombs plus assuming you bought 2 ingredients each of the previous 8 rounds). I wish we could buy more ingredients per round.

So far we’ve only played with the starter set of of books, so I’m sure there will be a lot of changes when we change the ingredient books up. Hawkmoth kinda sucks in only 2 player. I know it will be great in larger games though. It’s still a good game for two player! But Hawkmoth sucks for just two.

This is a great length of game for two players — just about 45 minutes.

Five Stars!

five stars

Future Plans

I’m going to make some customized player tokens to go around the score board. I’m cool with the wood discs for the rats and water drops though — don’t see any need to upgrade those. I’m actually going to buy insanely tiny glass vials with cork tops to make color-coded potions for each player!

I HAVE to get the Herbs and Witches expansion. Not too thrilled about the Alchemist expansion, but I really want that Herbs and Witches one. It has a better rating on BGG than the original game! I probably should have got the big box that just had the expansions. But then my organizer wouldn’t fit… so nevermind.

I might put the Evil Eye bead pulls on a nice string or ribbon instead of the seed beads. I’d like them to hang more freely.

I’m going to use cardboard to make separators inside the ingredient trays for the different chip values.

I want to get chip “sleeves.” – plastic to go around the cardboard. Would I ABSOFUCKINGLUTLY LOVE the BGG Geekup acrylic tokens? Fuck yes, I would! But that would be $42 for the base game plus $30 for the expansion. So damn.

I’d like nicer bags, but not any of the ones I’ve found for sale to go with the game. Does anyone sew? Like I like that the bags are black. I don’t want them to be color coded to the player. I want black. I think a nice black crushed velvet would be fucking sweet! With like a silky liner? Chef’s kiss! I wouldn’t mind the silky liner being matched to player color (maybe even the drawstring too). Or even them all having the same color liner on all of them– like maybe a grey? Or purple? They’d have to be the same size cause they gotta fit in my box. But yeah, I’d love a soft nice bag upgrade. But not in garish colors — I like the black bags. I might buy just some velvet bags later that aren’t intended specifically as an upgrade for this game.

Random Updates in My Life

Posted on | by cursingcats.com | 2 Comments on Random Updates in My Life

Crafts and more crafts… And cards… And decorating…

So, I’ve got a lot going on.  Two different craft projects.  Plus Christmas decorating.  Plus Christmas cards (expensive and so much work.  Why do I do these?  Like I can’t break the streak.  That’s why).  And tomorrow I gotta pick up the Thanksgiving ham.  So my counter is full.

Speaking of crafts, you know it’s the good shit when there’s a skull and crossbones warning on it. 

Actually, that wasn’t the good shit.  It fucked me over.  It’s supposed to go over the top of EVERYTHING.  Including a few layers of sealant.  I wish it had specified that.  The second I put it on, my enamel paint just dissolved.  I found out about the sealant thing when I googled “what the fucking fuck.”

These paw print ornaments are killing me.  But I won’t give in.  As I told you, the top coat I previously used was old or something and left yellowish bubbles and streaks.  Maybe THIS SHIT could have saved it.  So I got mineral spirits to try to get it off.  After so much elbow grease, I had barely anything off.  So we brute-force it: repaint.  Now keep in mind, everything I do to these takes two days.  One day for front to dry, then another for back.  And then actually another for the writing on the back in the paint step. 

So I repainted.  They look amazing.  Time for top coat!  FUCK ME it disolved the paint.  So repaint the ones I tried and fucked up. 

I’m going with something I know this time, bitches.  Modpodge.  Super gloss Modpodge.  Got the back done and second coat on the front now.  It says you can do a second coat after an hour (I waited a day) but it takes FOUR MOTHER FUCKING WEEKS TO CURE?! Sweet baby Jesus, are you kidding me? 

For mine, that’s fine.  They’re dry to the touch so I can hang them.  But I gotta mail my brother-in-law his!  What if the packaging leaves dents?  Or sticks to it for some reason?  FUCK. 

And I thought Pottery Barn was smoking crack. 

As seen here in my text messages, Pottery Barn prices are insane. 

Is that a hilarious National Lampoons Christmas Vacation pillow? Fuck yes it is!  Do I want it?  Oh hell yes.  Is it $70? Also yes.  Who are you catering to, Pottery Barn?  Who?

Well, this weekend, I needed craft supplies (enamel paint in red).  It’s cheapest at Hobby Lobby.  I know that is insane, but it’s true. $7.99 online or $2.39 at Hobby Lobby.  It was also half off Christmas and I needed lights for our tree. 

Y’all, I’ve never seen Hobby Lobby so chaotic and full.  FULL.  The giant ass parking lot was full.  You could barely move in there.  The longest string of lights they had was 100 count, so fuck it, I got a ton of those. 

I saw these cute blowmold Christmas Trees at the front.  Would possibly be cute to have.  And half off!  I had to find one with a price tag though.  Holy Mary mother of god! FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS EACH. 

Who are y’all marketing to?  Who?  A fucking blowmold?  Seriously?  What the fuck is happening? Tariffs haven’t kicked in yet, y’all!

Plants!

My plants are doing well.  Look at my Thanksgiving Cactus of Friendship blooming right on time! I love how the red turns to magenta on the tips of the petals!  Stunning.  Today the second layer opened up!

Also, husband helped me put up the main Christmas tree because my anxiety was killing me.  So I had to move plants around.  Plus the end table.  And I’m over wintering some things (I haven’t even brought in the lemongrass from the garage yet).  So Louie is now… JUNGLE CAT. 

Aging without any grace whatsoever

How’s menopause (perimenopause)? I’m glad you asked.  Terrible.  I’m not having nightly panic attacks anymore.  I need to remind myself they were nightly.  But I do still have them around once a week. Also, I’m moody and I’m hot.  

We went to the Venardos Circus for my birthday.  It was going to be 50s and down into 40s when it let out (fahrenheit).  So maybe long sleeves? I wore a thin long sleeve hoodie.  Big mistake.  The second I got in Ks heated car I was like, I have made a terrible decision.  Even inside the tent.  I switched seats with husband because K2s commentary is honest to god, half the joy of the circus.  But when I switched and realized the seat beside him was open, it was heaven!  I wasn’t between two hot people!

Where can I get Christmas tank tops? Not joking.  Want. 

Also, I’ve reached the age of “I have to pee.”. Like, I used to be able to hold my bladder for hours.  Gotta pee?  It’s fine, I’ll go when I get home.  No more.  Now my body gives me like one “I gotta pee.” Then, if I ignore it, all the following “I have to pee” signals will be accompanied by a small bit of pee.  Too much information?  WELL ITS MY LIFE.  So at the circus, my brain was like “I gotta pee.” I’m not allowed to ignore it anymore so I had to use a freaking porta potty!  The shame!

I thought Gods punishment to Eve eating the apple of knowledge was painful child birth.  The Bible don’t say shit about menopause.  Of course neither did anyone else in my life. 

Fuck getting old.  I’m supposed to be happy and child free with money.  Not peeing a little, moody, sweating all night and waking up to panic attacks. 

THAT’S FUCKING BULLSHIT, RONNIE!

Crochet Brontosaurus

Posted on | by cursingcats.com | 1 Comment on Crochet Brontosaurus

I made this.

It is a crochet Brontosaurus. I used Benet Baby Velvet yarn. It is VERY soft. The pattern is from Palana Design on Etsy. It’s the No Sew Mamenchisaurus. I wouldn’t say it was easy. That might have been my yarn choice though. This velvet is crazy hard to see your stitches in. She has videos that are much needed. Especially when I realized she was crocheting in a different direction than myself. That matters. I think the pattern could have been helped by naming where you were (“like 8 stitches around the leg” or “decreases should be on top of the tail”). So my body was a big attempt at me mathing it even so the legs were spaced appropriately. My stitch counts pretty much never matched up, so there was a lot of winging it.

I would also note, this might be considered yarn art and not straight crochet. That’s because I went back on the tail and neck and heavily altered them with stitches after I was done. I made the neck thinner, chiseled the chin, and made the tail taper a lot more. The neck suffered from my stitch count problem. So it was narrower at the base than at the head. So I tightened it up to match the base width. The yarn is so hard to see stitches in that I can get away with it.

That said, I would totally make it again. I would stress less and I would watch more of the videos because yall, she’s not crocheting in the same direction as me and that matters on some parts. I feel like the directions are so confusing because there are so many increases and decreases per row with no indication of where you are in the row. So If I do it again, I’m winging most of it. Now that I know the basic happening, I could wing the body and tail and neck. And if I was focusing on winging it to make it look good and not following the pattern exactly, maybe his head wouldn’t be turning just a little. It doesn’t look bad at all, but that wasn’t something I was aiming for.

This took about 5 sessions. I did the feet with K and K2 while watching a Christmas movie. Then I did the body which picks the feet up (no sew). I did the tail one night. I did the neck and head last night. Then this morning, I shaped it up a bit and highlighted under the eyes.

I love it. He’s may happy purple dinosaur.

Oh and no knocking the pattern! I didn’t design this or figure out how to do the shapes. I love the hump on the back, I love the clever neck hole situation. It’s adorable as fuck. Theirs looks way better than mine! I bet if I didn’t use such a hard yarn, it would have been better. But damn this velvet is so soft.

I would also say that since this is no sew — meaning everything is fully crocheted together, this would be an indestructible kids toy. There are no seems to be torn. Of course you would need to stitch the eyes and not use the plastic ones. But yeah, without the plastic eyes, I’d hand this to a baby no problem.

Pawprint Keepsakes

Posted on | by cursingcats.com | 3 Comments on Pawprint Keepsakes

I’m finally painting the paw print ornaments we did last year.  I did a set for Louie and I did one for my brother-in-law’s dog.  Here’s a picture but they aren’t finished yet.  The clear coat was a disaster.  I gotta get it off, touch up paint as required and use a new coat. 

But I wanted to show them to you.  These insanely cheap kits are AWESOME:

These kits are under $10 bucks.  It’s an extremely lightweight air-dry clay.  Lighter than playdough.  You make a little paw print and it dries and boom, paw print forever! 

Now at just that, they aren’t awesome.  You can see one I have one not painted in that grouping.  The all white.  It’s fun but not attractive.  It doesn’t stand out.  And Lord knows it’s not gonna be pristine white after you wrestle a fuzzy animal’s paw on it. 

But… Look at them painted! I use an enamel model paint kit and they look like really nice ceramics.  Of course they’re light as a feather and unbreakable, but that’s great for hanging on the tree! 

Here’s the initial kit with everything I bought years ago to paint some game tokens:

Testors Enamel Paint.

I’ve done these paw prints three times now.  Back in 2020, I did Jack.  Look how big his paw is compared to Louie!  Jack is the red and green and Louie’s are the other three small ones.

I’m repainting two of Jack’s.  This red one always needed a touch up on the back where I put it down too wet and some paint stuck to the surface.  His silver one has been a little totem I sleep with sometimes.  Perfect size to hold in my palm and press a finger into his little print. 

That’s another reason I think everyone needs to do these.  It was adorable when Jack was alive.  But after he died, it was a piece of him.  A tangible piece.  The vets did an ink print and even a sand print post mortem.  But I can’t touch those.  Also, that’s creepy.  I have the good memory of making this with him. 

Speaking on that memory, I have lessons.  Listen, I don’t know if I didn’t read the directions or they weren’t there, but with Jack I just smushed out balls of clay and stuck his foot in it.  But this shit sticks to everything like crazy.  So I ended up on the floor with flour everywhere pressing his foot into flour, then clay.  It was a mess.  And they are clearly not circles. 

The kits come with one big circle, but it’s way too big.  Even for the dog print I did there in red and black. 

So for Louie’s I used a very small glass to punch it out.  And this stuff takes forever and a week to dry, so if you fuck it up, mix it around and do some more!  I did a bunch for Louie and punched out the 5 best ones and am painting the best three. 

And this time (last year), I read the directions!  Everything sticks to this shit BUT NOT WATER!  So you get their paw wet (bowl of water) then press it down.  Bam!  Then get something with a circle, get it wet and cut it out.  The dog paw is lopsided because I used a bowl and couldn’t see the print.  And he thought it would be too traumatic to do it again. Which is kinda BS cause dogs love attention.  I did Jack’s like 10 times LOL.  I think Louie made out a little better. 

Oh and the nice clean ribbon holes? A straw.  Yep.  Wet the straw and stab it.  If the clay doesn’t come out, no biggie – you can still do more. 

So yeah, last year we did Louie and BIL’s dog.  I’m finally getting around to painting them so they can go on Christmas trees.  And, like I said, touching up two of Jack’s.  That silver enamel paint is my favorite but it just doesn’t dry solid like the others.  So after two years of me rubbing it in my hand, it needed a reshine.

Of course such a small painting project will go fast!  Nope:

Why do all craft projects end up vomiting over an entire room? 

Then, you ever have a jar that is stuck shut but you will have the last word so help you god? Fucking red. 

The jar opener and pliers combo started tearing into the metal lid.  So I was like fuck it – I’m stabbing it. 

And it was bone dry.  You win this round, Testors. 

So I had to use regular red paint to be redeemed with the clear enamel finish.  Only… The finish was way too old.  I mean this kit is over a decade old so the fact that only the gloss was messed up is a great testament.  I had just used all the red.  So now I ordered more clear gloss (and red – plus a few others I was low on).  When it gets here I can try to get the gloss coat off with paint thinner.  Then, I assume, touch them up before the new gloss.  I hope not too much because I did so good writing the names and dates on the back with the black paint marker!

But yes, this year MAKE THESE.  It’s adorable now and a precious memory when they are gone.  A little paint and you’re golden!  If I like you enough, mail it to me and I’ll use my enamel paint supplies to paint them and mail the back.  (Becki, you can have your kids paint them! Then after Christmas of them hanging on the tree, you could send them my way. I could fill in the printed part (if needed) and give it a few enamel coats for permashine)

I have three for each.  One for a Christmas ornament (Jack is green on red, Louie is red on gold).  One for the living room (Jack is white on black, Louie is white on dary grey).  Plus a bonus extra (Jack is black on silver and Louie is black on blue). 

Trauma Dump

Posted on | by cursingcats.com | 2 Comments on Trauma Dump

ISSUES Are Troubling Me

OK. I got issues. I keep having family nightmares — or I don’t know — bad dreams. Every night lately and yesterday even in my damn afternoon nap. I’d say Gods telling me to contact my family, but I feel like if that were the case, he’d send me a happy memory and not just a lot of fucking trash. Also, they all got my number and they all have my address. I did try to reach out about doing lunch on moms birthday, but my bro said he’d check their schedules and never got back to me. But they had a dinner with my sisters in moms memory. Which I get it, my sisters are right there and I’m 90 miles away but COME ON.

I’m Too Poor for a Therapist

I could probably work this out with a therapist, but I don’t have a therapist. I do have a psychiatrist and it’s $130 to see him. Why? Because we have a lack of every type of medical professional here, including mental health and none of them accept insurance because they don’t have to — they’re overloaded with patients as is. And he only does like 10 minutes to talk about meds — not problems. Psychologists are for THAT. So do I want to pay a hundred-plus dollars to talk to someone? Not really. I want to work on my tattoo.

But I can’t work on my tattoo until I pay back my savings I took out to build the deck (which I have HEAVILY enjoyed for two summers now, BTW — totally worth the cost). That was the deal. I’ll stop throwing boat loads of money at my tattoo until I payback my savings I took out for the deck. And I have paid back the deck — but then I also ended up need to replumb some pool pipes. And then get a whole ass new pool pump last year. And then a new salt cell this year. And next summer I’m gonna need a pool robot. And do I want to replace the pool lights? They haven’t worked for like 3 summers — which I’m told they don’t last very long (they’re actually small LED lights, not the big old pool lights that I used to fear were secretly doors that they could open for the sharks to come out and swim at night). Supposedly a super easy replacement that doesn’t require draining any water — so I might depending on the cost. BUT COST. Yeah I paid back the deck, but thousands went into the other shit. I could have finished the whole damn sleeve by now!

I mean to be fair, the pool is nine summers old. So it’s not that the pool is a clusterfuck, it’s just the age that these things fail. The pipes were in full blast sun and the PVC broke down enough to burst. Repiped — but when they burst, the pool got low enough to run dry and burn out the pump. Of course they don’t make my pump anymore so I couldn’t replace just the electronics, I had to replace the whole damn thing. And salt cells usually only last 5 years, I’m told so ours held in pretty long. So has Clarence the pool robot. He’s about 3 years past usual life expectancy but I did have his under carriage replaced a few years back so that might be why he made it so long.

Therapists Suck

Also, it would take like 5 sessions to catch a therapist up on my problems before we could get anywhere. And of course a TON of time is going to be wasted focusing on me being fat being all of my problems. BECAUSE THAT’S ALWAYS THE CASE. I tried therapy back in like 2000 cause I was suicidal and self harming and the motherfucker thought it was all about me being fat and “socially unacceptable” and that was his plan to go forward. Not to fix generational trauma and abuse — I’m just fat.

By the way, the only time i ever lose weight or maintain weight is when I’m happy. Weight is a symptom not the problem at all. Even when I got skinny after Gastric Bypass I was still miserable. And of course that was just an embarrassing failure. And now I’ve gained 7 pounds because perimenopause is kicking my ass so fucking hard and I’m anxious and I’m depressed and I’m being fucking haunted.

That’s right, I said haunted. Yesterday I had to get out of bed at 6 fucking AM with a panic attack. And it’s just all nightmares. I tried to take an afternoon nap to be happy on my long weekend and catch up on sleep and I woke up in another sweaty nightmare.

Like I have an anxiety disorder. “General Anxiety” I think is the technical term? But I don’t think they mean like “oh she’s generally anxious.” I think they mean we can’t put this in a category of “social anxiety” or anything specific — shes just got a lot of anxiety about fucking everything. And now my GYN is like yeah you have menopausal anxiety. THANKS, LIFE.

Now You’re My Therapist. Be Warned, Shits About to Get Real

So my nightmares have generally been family mess. It’s always family fights. Surprisingly usually set in Florida. So Florida was always our summer vacation. Timeshare. It was moms favorite place and I loved the beach too — but like with my family there’s always gonna be some drama so it’s not like that didn’t just take place in new locations. So yeah, when I was very young and stupid, I looked forward to Florida like crazy. But then it stated just becoming a clusterfuck. And I don’t get why mom loved it so much. I mean maybe she was like yall are a hot mess anyway so we might as well be a hot mess at the beach. But I actually felt horrible the last few years of her life because I felt like I was contributing to the drama. By refusing to just not rock the boat and not let shit go, I’m the bitch. I was the bitch complaing about my sisters so just as bad as them on everyone mental health.

My brother always called me and my sisters “the Golden Girls” — he knew it got under my skin at least like no other. Any fight and “oh they’re the golden girls.” Mother fucker, I’m not the crazy ass one here! I’m just trying to have actual healthy boundaries and not let them get away with their shit! Which let’s start there. I adore my brother. But he’s not blameless. He always lumped me in with my sisters which UGH. And my length of college was a huge running joke in my family — mainly instigated by him. He’d always ask when I was going to finally graduate. There’s a Christmas ornament of a graduate on my dads Christmas tree dated 2009. Did I graduate in 2009? No. They just didn’t have any other personality trait to choose for my ornament. Bro was a nurse, Sister1 was a nurse, Sister2 had a paint set, and I had a graduation outfit. Cause I was in college for 10 years. Not because I’m stupid but because I was trying to get through a lot of shit, okay? Did anyone wanna ask about that? No. It’s funnier not to.

That was part of one of the dreams last night. Like I was getting ready for a party — like a nice dress up party like homecoming or something. But we were in Florida so I only had a few things to choose from and I had gained weight so my best options were too tight. And Sister2 for some reason was supposed to take me or go with me or something (a reoccurring of her always stealing the spotlight in my dreams). I think brother was going to take us because he was mad that we weren’t ready. But I was ready! Sister2 was in the bathtub crying for hours and yelled at me when I went in to get my toothbrush. And in her/moms room there were pills everywhere. Like piles of pills laid out — prescription drug-problem shit. So I show brother and he just gets mad. And why do I want to go to this dance anyway? Because it’s my last year of highschool so I want to go to at least one. But wait, I’m 27 (in the dream) and don’t most people graduate high school at 18? Why am I so late? Did mom hold me back some grades and not tell me? What happened?

Yesterday I was napping and we were in Florida and I had a nice room and Sister2 demanded it and I was super sad because it had windows and views and mine now didn’t. And the windows were open with tons of fresh air and beautiful flowers and scents drifting in… And I go shit all.

And the night before last, we were preparing a party for my nephew. They were making cookies for the party and I really wanted to make some too. But I had to clean so I was vacuuming. And Sister1 was acting like I just didn’t want to make cookies and it was my fault I didn’t get to participate. And then brother was yelling about how dirty everything was. And then I finally went to make a cookie but all the sprinkles were gone — but I was like whatever, I’ll use this icing and then bro got mad and started jerking around the vacuum cleaner cause everythings so filthy and none of us will ever clean anything and he gets the cords all in the icing and it ends up all over the carpet and now we can’t have the party cause I ruined it. And now everyone’s mad at me. Also, I thought Sister1 was teaching nephew how to cook burgers in the kitchen but it was my dad. Which might be my subconscious acknowledging that he’s pretty much a feeble old man now.

Most of the time Florida is over and we have to pack up the cars but Sister2 brought like 3 fucking suitcases and hasn’t packed anything so I gotta do it and clean everything up.

So yeah, are these spooky monster dreams? No. I’m not saying they are. But they are clearly my brain ruminating on something it wants out.

Sister2 was always a problem in Florida. She would always bring way too much clothes that brother and sister1 always bitched about because they took up too much space in the car and on the dolly up to the room and in the room. and Sister2 never went to the beach or wanted to do anything. So they were always mad about that. And as we got older, the problems were worse. She was always a binge eater, so she’d eat all the groceries and everyone would be mad because now there’s no food when we had bought food for the week.

She’s been an alcoholic since I can remember. But can my family just maybe NOT have alcohol? Of course not. So she’d just drink it all and get sloppy drunk and piss herself. She always drunk to get black out drunk. Like that was the goal. And we’d all go down to the beach to enjoy the day and she’d steal money from someone and go across the street to get alcohol to do it again. Once she locked herself in a closet with a 24 pack of beer and there was much screaming and ranting and brother threatening to break down the door. Once she got drunk and left to “go kill herself” — so of course mom was freaking out and we had to go find her. There were quite a few times we had to go find her while she was drunk out of her mind. This was before cellphones. I’m old.

She’s always smoked too. And everyone ALWAYS bitches about it. But it was particularly annoying because she had to inconvenience mom the most. Like in Florida, she wouldn’t go through the living room to get to the balcony to smoke — she had to go into moms room and use that balcony door. And in the house we lost to the second bankruptcy, she couldn’t go through the garage to go outside to smoke, she had to go through moms tiny room which had a sliding door to get out. And even as adults, people bitch about “she’s over there in the corner smoking” or something. When we lived in the apartments, shed toss her cigarettes out the window and the maintenance people got mad and gathered them all up and piled them outside our door in moms flowers. Pretty sure I had to clean that up.

And my brother and sister1 always hated her. So I always had to deal with it. She pissed herself and passed out in the living room? Mom wants me to get her to her room. Then I gotta clean the damn area rug and I’m covered in piss. Once she passed out on the lawn and I had to go get her immediately before the neighbors saw. Why am I always the one taking care of this shit? Cause brother and sister moved out and I’m the youngest. But even in our first house we lost to bankruptcy, I was cleaning her messes. Like she was bulimic. But for some reason she threw up in a 5 gallon bucket in her closet instead of the bathroom. Who the fuck knows why. So do you know how bad a 5 gallon bucket of vomit smells? Real bad. And do you know it’s too heavy for mom to get? Yeah, so I gotta do it. Get it downstairs and across the yard to dump it. Like am I the vomit bucket fairy? It’s like people think trash and recycling just disappears if you leave it long enough. THAT’S BECAUSE I’M THE VOMIT AND PISS FAIRY.

This might be why I’m so anal about my house not smelling bad, BTW.

And brother was always just angry and disgusted with us. We had far too many pets because dad dumped his dogs at our place. So we had like 10 Beagles to breed and train. Oh and who had to go hose the dog shit out of the kennels? Yeah, ME. So much dog shit. Wet stinky dog shit being hosed off concrete. By me. And I never did it enough so I felt bad for the dogs. I was the only one who cared to go pet them.

And the cats just used the dining room as a litter box. Just shit everywhere. And mom worked 4 jobs so the only one ever cleaning anything up was me and I wasn’t good at it or did it enough so of course the house is always filthy and it’s always me getting yelled at for it (not by mom — she was just broken and trying to survive). Cause I’m one of the disgusting worthless golden girls.

You know, I cleaned up a lot of shit and vomit and piss was growing up, now that I think of it.

Anyway, Sister2 was also insane and abusive. I couldn’t sleep cause she’d wake me up by hitting me and yelling and shit. Usually because my TV was on. I liked to fall asleep to QVC and I was allowed to. But no matter how low the volume was, it was too loud for her. And after school she’d be mean and yell and throw shit at me. Like hard core throwing shit at my head. Once I flipped the recliner ducking something. She was like a harpy.

That’s why my dog hated her. He wasn’t a bad dog, he was defensive of me. The only being to ever give a shit about my child self. I slept in moms bed a lot cause I had this intense fear mom would die. And she had a california king bed and I was scared of the dark… and sister2. So the dog would sleep at the end of the bed. And sister2 would walk all the damn way across the house past their bathroom to use moms bathroom in the middle of the night (seriously, WHY WAS SHE ALWAYS HARASSING MOM) — but if me and dog were in there he’d just growl and not let her in the room. He was just protecting me. But she couldn’t do anything when mom was home. But after school she could trick the dog by baiting him and wrapping him in blankets to throw in the closet — only to let him out right before mom got off work so she wouldn’t know.

Bitch be crazy. So dog hated her and attacked her. So dog had to go. Mom says she gave dog away but dad said he tied dog up and drug him out in the woods to shoot him. He told me that after school when I got home and dog wasn’t there. Why are these people so fucking insane?

I mean, I know the answer. Sister2 has been diagnosed with antisocial personality behavioral disorder. I’m sure that’s dads problem too. And dad is for sure a narcissist to rule them all. I didn’t know that when I was little so I idealized him. Everyone else hated dad, but I loved him. When I visited his apartment, he’d buy men CANNED COKE. We were too poor to have that shit — so like awesome. He’d only come over to the house to work in the garage on wood projects — but I’d go down there and watch. His friend would sometimes give me scrap blocks to play with and help me put together little creations I made with the scraps. The friend, not dad.

Those weren’t the only dog problems. We had a newfoundland in fucking Alabama that we just tied up in the backyard when I was really little. She was pretty neglected. I did take care of her food and water, but she was so big and drooly and matted and smelly that I didn’t really like doing it. Not that I was ever mean to the dog — no I petted her, and we played in the backyard together. But I was the only one to take care of her and when she died dad went on a rant about how I was the only one to give a shit about that dog and I felt existentially terrible because I didn’t like taking care of her and knew she was neglected.

Then we got the dog that hated my sister that dad may or may not have killed. I liked that one. But I couldn’t save him or protect him either so I swore to never let down another dog. I couldn’t even get him out of the closet.

We DID try family therapy once. It was a group session with us all in the room. And like yall expect me to talk about my abusers — WHILE THEY’RE IN HERE? Yeah fuck you, I’m fine. I’m great even.

But when I was little, I actually did believe that. I didn’t know I had problems or was unhappy. I didn’t know I lived in an abusive codependent household. In FACT, I was so jealous of the mentally depressed girl and troubled girls at school cause they go so much extra attention. I tried to hide in church and being a bubble Christian. Gotta be crazy to be interesting, I thought. Then like 5 years later I busted and went bat shit insane. So there’s that.

I used to think my sister was haunted by a demon. I’m not sure I don’t still think that. I do know she is highly troubled. I remember once she was crazy drunk and I was trying to get away and go to my room but she was taunting me. I was studying my Bible and she asked me to read the Bible to her. I passed, ’cause hey Satan, not today. And it was just this creepy horror movie taunt about why didn’t I love her enough to read the Bible to her. Now that I’m older – I’m not throwing out the demon thing – but I do know she had multiple abortions. Maybe she was trying to drown that out. She was obsessed with this asshole for years and YEARS — like a decade. Fucking Ryan. But he never loved her back.

It’s pitiable, really. Truly. But does that negate all of my suffering at her hand?

As far as Dad, everyone hated him when I was little, but then it flipped. I had a mental breakdown and realized hey — Dad is a son of a bitch. He’s been trying to ruin moms life for 40 years. So much of our family is insanely fucked up and this motherfucker is why. He sprung a secret ass family on me when my step brother was 16 and moving in the next week. Then yelled at me for not being accepting. Not that I was unaccepting, I was emotionless as I had been trained to be from a very young age. I didn’t say shit. But dad projected that I was angry and was furious.

Oh yeah, after the first bankruptcy, I moved in with dad. See, he had moved back into our house (not as like being with mom, just like — hey I live downstairs now). And we lost the house. So we had to get apartments so we got two two bedrooms and sister2 lived with mom and I lived with dad — because this was before I knew dad was an evil son of a bitch. And that’s when I found out secret step brother was moving in. (Looking back, 30 years later — this is why I wasn’t allowed to keep anything in “MY” room at dads — makes sense, it was really his room). It was a cluster fuck cause I was in high school and people were like wait, you live with your dad? Cause mom was everyone’s beloved teacher (rightfully so) and I came to school with her. And even from my youngest age we always centered holidays around dad. They were at his apartment or his house. No presents could be opened until the video recorder was set up for dad to watch later.

I was just dead inside when I lived with dad. Like emotion-wise. Not ailment wise. The stress was killing me I just didn’t know it. I was on smooth muscle relaxers for the constant stomach cramping pain and vomiting. But I was so broken, I didn’t even think I had problems. Anyway, after a year of that, my brother and his wife were like “Mrs C can’t live with dad anymore” and we got a three bedroom so I could move in with mom and sister2. Yay! More abusive, psychological warfare, and piss!

Then we got the second house we lost to bankruptcy (fun FACT! This is where moms flamingos are from). Then I moved to college. And started getting therapy. And started hating dad. But like, now everyone loves dad or at least sees him as worthy of living in his delusion. So last year when he almost died because he refuses to control his diabetes and got an infected hair on his balls and went septic, I didn’t wanna baby sit. And somehow I’M THE BAD GUY?

So they like disowned me for the year, right? My sisters still haven’t opened the christmas gifts I sent them. They didn’t come to Thanksgiving at my brothers. But Sister1 weirdly stayed here when she was in town and needed a free bed. It was awkward.

I finally talked to SIL the other day — after like 9 months of unreturned calls. I mentioned my banishment and she was like naw, they just don’t communicate. She says she never talks to them either but thats not true cause I have facebook and see photos. I wasn’t invited to the family vacation but they’re playing the “everyone is always invited” card. And my sisters have started commenting on my posts sometimes. Like WTF? Last week there was a post by dads girlfriends that mentioned Sister2s cats were leaving at the end of the year. I was curious but didn’t know what was up. Cause I was disowned and no one talks to me anymore.

Background on Sister2s cats. When we lost the second house, mom moved in with my brother and his wife and Sister2 moved into my brothers old house. She was supposed to pay rent but hardly ever did. Eventually SIL got super self conscious that mom was running her house way better than her so they kicked mom out to live with Sister1. Well, the only way to get Sister2 out of their house was to sell it. So they did and mom convinced Sister1 to take in Sister2 for 4 months. So Sister2s cats went to live with Dads girlfriend. But Dads girlfriend doesn’t even live at her house. She kinda lives between that house and dads. And Sister2s cats don’t get along with her pets so they’ve been confined to a single bedroom for… oh 10 years now. Sister2 never visits them.

Yes, Sister2 has tried to move in with me. No. Yes, Sister2 did try to get me to take her cats for “just a month.” Then they wanted me to take them again after Jack died (hence my keeping Louie a secret at first).

Sister1 is just a completely bitter bitch now. So hateful. BY THE WAY — mom was afraid to move in with my husband and I because she said she’d destroy us like she did with my brother and SIL (getting kicked out) and turning Sister1 into a little dad. So sad. It wasn’t mom, it was that fucking leach.

Sister1 hates Sister2 and is so angry that she’s been stuck with her since mom died. But like, kick that bitch out, I’m not taking her. And there’s resentment from Brother and Sister1 that I lead this great life 90 miles away and they still have to take care of Dad and I refuse to help cause fuck that asshole. I’m polite and cordial. But no, fuck them.

And it’s so weird cause Sister1 has this facebook persona of the sweetest most hilarious person ever. Even my inlaws like her. But she’s not that person. But everyone buys it and adores her. I think husband would buy it if he wasn’t there witnessing her interacting with me. It’s really weird. I like her facebook persona. But she’s a wretched bitch.

My whole family has always had this weird two faced ability to be loved by people. Like I worked at Target for 5 years. Got sister2 a job there and people would be like “OH MY GOD, YOU’RE SISTER2’s SISTER?” Like bitch no, I’ve been here 5 years — she’s my sister. And Dad manages to get affair partners and wives and now a girlfriend. And Sister1 is beloved on social media.

IS IT ME? This might be one of my biggest reasons to absolutely refuse to have two faces. It’s fucking disgusting. But like, am I the problem? Because we could just have a fake holiday with the fake personas but like I cant do it. I hate you. I can’t let it go.

Maybe it me.

Is it me?

Yesterday, I was on a family group chat — the first in almost a YEAR. Sister2 has a new job with business cards (holy fuck, she only ever had a job like twice in her 50ish years). Everyone’s congratulating her (yes, I did too). And Dads girlfriend says she’ll tell her cats. Sister2 replies that she hopes to have an apartment by February. So that’s new.

But this dream haunting was already going on before that. Every night — fights with my sisters, sometimes my brother. Sister2 getting wasted and destroying everyone’s lives. Me getting fucked over so Sister2 can have what she wants. Me being blamed for everything.

The holidays are coming. what the fuck is happening for the holidays? Last year brother hosted Thanksgiving but I was the only family that went. He said hes not doing it again but SIL says they are. I thought about saying I’d do it — but like, that means I have to invite them all and have one of those fake persona parties. And pretend like yall haven’t ignored me for a year. I just want my brother’s family to come.

Works been a shit show too. I got into with my bosses (rightfully so). After one meeting, I was discussing it with two colleagues and my coworker-friend said she didn’t listen cause once me and x start going at it, she tunes out. I was like fuck me — I’m AW. He’s a guy who does no work and talks an ungodly amount. So at every meeting he talks for like 30 minutes and fucking everyone hates him and just doesn’t listen because it makes no sense so we just ignore it until it stops. AM I AW NOW?

AM I THE PROBLEM HERE?

This brings back a lot of childhood trauma. Sister2 is batshit (verified with paperwork) but she doesn’t KNOW she’s batshit cause the crazy. So when I was little I used to cry about it to mom and ask if I was like her. And mom would tell me no, of course not. But I was like — she doesn’t know she’s like her so HOW WOULD I KNOW?

And now I’m having an existential crisis as I type this — HOW WOULD I KNOW?

It could be me. I could just be a human piece of garbage. Maybe I am and I just don’t know it. What the difference between I have therapy and healthy boundaries and I’m just a bitch? I’m the only one who has to go to a psychiatrist to function.

I mean I do hate everybody.

Holy fuck I think it’s me.

Would the world be better without me? Cause I’m gonna be honest — it might be without dad and Sister2. Like I’m sorry I’m being honest. Mom would have been better. Sister1 would be better. I’d not have needed 20+ years of therapy.

Maybe I’m just a despicable fat blob of a toxicity like my uncle in law said. Well, he didn’t say the FAT part — I’m adding that on. I honestly have no idea right now. Wheres the ice cream? I need ice cream.

How do I make the nightmares stop? I can’t even fucking take a nap and pretend I’m dead because they’ll be there.

I’m literally going to cry with ice cream now. This is why I’m fat.

I suck.